Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

This is a 10 year old post so I'm sure you've experienced a lot of changes during that time but I just stumbled on it. I want to comment in case it can be helpful to anyone.

My marriage went sexless in 2007 after my spouse had a radical prostatectomy, making him totally impotent. He lost all desire and rejected me.

We went to couples therapy and it helped some at the time but his rejection and lack of desire never changed..

I sucked it up and decided sex wasn't the most important thing, even though I have a very healthy libido, but now all these years later I realized I've been repressing my own needs.

It has led to more communication, a little action, but I'm getting pretty fed up. He just doesn't think about it unless I do all the work.

The sad thing is, I love him dearly. I love our life together. But now over a dozen years later living in forced celibacy, I'm depressed. Communication hasn't made a big difference.

He doesn't even effort to read, research, understand. It's pretty unfair.

We've been together over 20 years. Those who have not been through this really are clueless as to how challenging it is. It has only worked in my marriage because I agreed to live celibate with this man. Not by choice.

Physical intimacy with us is rare. Emotional intimacy is stable, I'd say. But I realized recently that this is not ok with me anymore.

I don't know what the fate of your marriage ended up being but can it survive? Sure. At what cost? I don't know.

Wow... As I was reading your comment, I actually felt your emotions. Yes you love your husband dearly.
Years earlier I was in a relationship were my partner did not satisfy me at all. I couldn't even feel him when he penetrated me. The reason I stayed was that I loved him. We broke up for whatever reason, and he wanted to get back together. I honestly said to him "No because you never satisfied me sexually. I loved you then now I don't. If we get back together, I probably will cheat"
Zia I've done as you have trying to get your partner aroused. Eventually that gets old. At the moment it makes you feel as though you're the one that's desperate and needy. After all the effort and no action makes us feel rejected.
With my frame of mind I would feel guilty if I left my husband because the sex was none. Only because I have love for the man.
@zia I wish you well.
Marbee

Hello @zia123 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Thank you for joining this discussion and sharing your life and experience through the lens of the spouse. The way in which you shared what you have both gone through in your marriage shows the love you both have for one another and the struggle as well.

I see that @marbee21 has reached out to you and responded so will let the pair of you connect more.

You said you recently realized you are not ok with a sexless marriage so I am wondering how you feel you are going to move forward?

I’m on the same boat but it’s been 25 years of no sex al all.

Hello @missy2. Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect and this discussion. Are you comfortable sharing what started the onset of your 25 year break from sex in your marriage with your partner? Was it health related?

It’s a lot to health related situation but over time , I just learned to live with out having sex .

I am so very sorry to hear this. Sexuality is a gift and one that most people find difficult to live without enjoying. There are many ways to resolve YOUR issues and I encourage you to search them out. Me heart goes out to you.

Hi. I was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia at age 20. Married at age 21. I was extremely fatigued and daily chemotherapy made intimacy impossible at times. My husband never complained if we couldn't have sex for months at a time. Regardless of our newlywed status, he took his vows wholeheartedly. After all. He married me knowing full well the outcome was bleak.

Ten years later, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sex became a real challenge. As we all know, there's a lot of movement going on. If you suffer with chronic pain, fatigue, or incontinence, your body simply shuts down and sex becomes a no go area. For him. He was always subconscious of 'what might happen' should he have an accident during sex. He would often crack a joke but I knew how much it bothered him. Going from a fit young man. Extremely athletic, to feeling trapped indoors like a frail old man.

*I apologise for the long post.*

Another ten years passed, with various treatments, and his health ping ponged. He had good days and bad days. Like myself, still taking chemotherapy, still fighting, right along side him. Sex was kinda like, "oops, that didn't go as planned... ABORT ABORT!! MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Sometimes we joked about it. More often than not, there were tears, apologies, more tears. Arguments. Gosh. I really hated those. He never shifted the blame. After all. He was sick.

Then we were tested again. He got sepsis and pneumonia. After being in a coma for 3 weeks in ICU, he woke up. He had lost 80% of his memories. He didn't know, recognise, people, places and it was a very hard time for him and our family.

Being told your husband is dying is extremely difficult to accept. I argued with the doctors and specialist. "He's my buddy. I won't give up on him. Hope. That's all I have."

When he came home that first night from the hospital, all I wanted was to make love to him. To reassure myself. I know that sounds kind a selfish, but we had always enjoyed sex. When I nearly died from an ectopic pregnancy, and over dosing of chemotherapy, we always reconnected deeply through sex. But I knew deep down he had been through a traumatic experience and it would be inappropriate to expect it.

Going forward another 5 years, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. (2021)

It's been a total of ten years without sex in our marriage. I think sex is a big part of being married but it's not a deal breaker. Do I miss it? Sure. Does he miss it? Absolutely. He has offered to take medication to try and fix his erectile dysfunction but I can't consciously ask him to. The risks, side effects, are simply too much to put him through for a few hours of pleasure.

Again. I apologise for the long post. I guess I talk too much.😂

Hi Missy. I'm so sorry. I read your post and it breaks my heart. I love talking. Well. My post shows that. 25 years without sex! Goodness. That is a very long time. If you want to talk more, please feel free to reach out. I'm a great listner. Sending gentle hugs your way.

Hi. In answer to your post. There are 'two' ill people in our marriage. (I did write a very lengthy post about it. 😂 ) I think it depends on what your wants, needs, and demands are around sex. Many believe that being married gives both parties the right to bed bounce 24-7. It's simply not the case. You have to respect each other. Now. If you enter a relationship that evolves into marriage based solely on sexual activities, you're heading towards difficult times. And divorce court. Sadly, and I've heard a lot of stories, people just don't connect like they once did. Who knows. Maybe we put too much emphasis on sex from what we see and read. We are real. There are going to be days, weeks, months...possibly years, where sex isn't an option. Be it illness, working away from home or life just gets busy. Thank you for asking this question. I'm not sure I answered it fully.💖