Share this:
amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

Ready to throw in the towel ......

Posted by @amberpep, Sep 23, 2016

I hope I didn’t write this before, but I’m at my wits end. I’m 71, have lived in PA and then in MD for 35 years. Two of my 3 kids and their families live in VA. and they kept hounding me to move down. I didn’t want to do it. Finally after 4-5 years, I decided to do it. So here I am, and I hate this place. I wish I’d have never moved. I love being with my kids and their families, but they have lives so it’s only about once a week, which is understandable. I am so very sorry I moved here …. it’s been nothing but upheaval and trouble for me since I did. One thing after another. I see a therapist and Psychiatrist every other week for therapy and meds., but that’s 3 hours away. My kids just don’t “get it” ….. they don’t want to hear anything about me that might even be slightly negative. HIP HIP HOORAY! That’s my life as they think it should be. Well, it’s not. They have no idea what I mentally go through, and this move has just turned my world upside down in every possible way ….. physically, mentally, emotionally, financially (big time!). It feels like I’m just here, waiting for the end. I know this sounds like a pity party and I guess it is ….. I’m sorry. I just never imagined this point in my life would be this sad.
Abby

REPLY

@ I’m sorry you moved. I’m afraid if the time comes to move my children may move for business reasons or empty nest reasons.
I would know no one. As it is my husband and I really love where we live and stay in a lot.
You don’t mention if you are ill.

Hi Margaret ….. No, I’m in good health … had a knee replacement 2 years ago which is fine, and I’m in the process of getting dentures; otherwise, I’m fine. I loved where I lived before in MD ….. my own condo, friends, a church I loved, and I’d lived in that county for 35 years, so I knew it like the back of my hand. It was “home” ….. I’ve left all that behind. I’m trying to find new doctors and I have found a few, but I still go up to MD to see my therapist and my Psychiatrist – cyclothymia. I’ve been working with them for 15 years and I’m not about to change that. I go every other week, and drive home the same day. It’s a tiring drive, but it’s worth it. I wish my kids understood a little more, or tried to understand, how difficult it is to move when you’re older and have just been through one loss after another ….. my father died from Alzheimer’s, my husband of 40 years and I got divorced, and now I’m plunked in a new place which I neither like nor feel I fit into. And, on top of that, my X lives down this way …. he’s about 45 min. from me, but for this area, people don’t feel that’s very far away. Just another chink in the puzzle. My girls are delighted I’m here, and have been so sweet to me, but what about me? Whose life is it anyhow? It took 4-5 years for me to finally decide to make the move ….. I think I made the wrong choice.
Abby

@amberpep

Hi Margaret ….. No, I’m in good health … had a knee replacement 2 years ago which is fine, and I’m in the process of getting dentures; otherwise, I’m fine. I loved where I lived before in MD ….. my own condo, friends, a church I loved, and I’d lived in that county for 35 years, so I knew it like the back of my hand. It was “home” ….. I’ve left all that behind. I’m trying to find new doctors and I have found a few, but I still go up to MD to see my therapist and my Psychiatrist – cyclothymia. I’ve been working with them for 15 years and I’m not about to change that. I go every other week, and drive home the same day. It’s a tiring drive, but it’s worth it. I wish my kids understood a little more, or tried to understand, how difficult it is to move when you’re older and have just been through one loss after another ….. my father died from Alzheimer’s, my husband of 40 years and I got divorced, and now I’m plunked in a new place which I neither like nor feel I fit into. And, on top of that, my X lives down this way …. he’s about 45 min. from me, but for this area, people don’t feel that’s very far away. Just another chink in the puzzle. My girls are delighted I’m here, and have been so sweet to me, but what about me? Whose life is it anyhow? It took 4-5 years for me to finally decide to make the move ….. I think I made the wrong choice.
Abby

Jump to this post

As you know moving is extremely traumatic, so first take very good care of
yourself (food, exercise, sleep) before you try to move forward from your
past. It seems you need an internal spark of passion or some inspiration in
your life and you probably need to consciously be more open for discovery
because this is the time you can try out new things to figure out what
moves you. There may be different events or classes you can try (in VA
public college is free for senior residents) or you could try volunteering.
It can be very fulfilling to help others and it helps get you out of your
own head as do hobbies like painting or yoga… when you can concentrate on
something it clears your mind from the unpleasant fretting you seem to be
experiencing and eventually find contentment. If you can take on the
responsibility of owning a pet, adopting an animal (or two) from a
shelter can bring much (unconditional) love into your life which could
satisfy the emptiness you seem to be experiencing. Even people who don’t
particularly care that much about animals can be transformed into doting
obsessive pet lovers when they adopt (or you could try fostering a shelter
pet first ). Hope you adjust to your new life with purposeful openness so
you can search out and develop a social life near you without having to
rely on your children for any emotional support. Best of luck, Pale

That’s what I plan to do …. when I move about 10 miles from here to a Sr. Apt. Complex I do wan to get involved. I’ve got a cat and just 2 months ago had to put down my best bud … Molly. She was my Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and just the dearest little thing. She was a rescue from a puppy mill. I plan to get another dog when I move also. Unless a Cavie comes up for adoption, I can’t afford a puppy, so I’ll just see what comes along. I always have been very involved in my church, and hopefully I can find one that is at least similar ….. I’m Western Orthodox. So, I do plan to step it up a bit once I move over there. Thanks so much for your reply.
Abby

Liked by Ali Skahan, Kim

I’m 70 and for some reason just love to stay home. My husband, younger but not as healthy, works from home. We go everywhere together. We really enjoy each other’s company. My fear is he will die and I will really feel alone because we’re together all the time now. His parents were the same so to him it’s perfectly normal.
Also, my mother never had neighbors in. She went to lunch monthly. She lived to be 99 and sharp as a tack. But towards the end she was lonely even though I visited often.
My friends all moved! At 65-70 to NC, TN, SC. Two died. We live in New England. So my kids have their lives at 50 and 45 and my friends retired and moved out of large homes to retirement communities.
I really like my life now but will be pretty alone if I outlive my husband.
Older age has come on very fast.
Thank God I’m not depressed about it but concerned about being alone if it comes to that.
I don’t want to volunteer, join clubs, make friends now. So… It’s going to be my fault if I’m alone later in life.

When I read your post, I just had to respond.

I have been retired for the last eight years. I am now 62 years old. Similar to you, I didn’t mind being home all day. My husband of 43 years and I did many things together. We were best friends as well as husband and wife. Our friends were originally my husbands friends. He was a few years older than I so we chummed with his age group. Unfortunately my husband passed away in November 2014. He had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in December 2013. Prognosis was 2 weeks to 2 months. My husband lived for 11 months. I was his only caregiver for the entire time as his friends had drifted away and he was not comfortable with strangers in the house. My best and only friend (Judy) was also fighting cancer. She was my support throughout my husband’s illness and death. I can never express my gratefulness to her for her support.

Nine months after my husband passed, my mother also passed away from cancer. A total shock as she had never been ill a day in her life and suddenly over a three day period she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I was a mess. I managed to get by just putting one foot in front of the other. I have 2 sons (44 & 39 yrs. old) but both live a long distance from me. They also have their own lives to live and I didn’t want to become a burden so when asked I said everything was okay.

My best friend Judy passed away this past June. Now I am by myself with no friends or family near by. I am depressed and have been seeing a psychiatrist for medications and counsellor to help me work through my feelings and emotions. Days go by when I don’t see or talk to anybody.

I have been trying to make new friends since my husband died but it is not an easy task. I have tried joining a couple of groups but have found that most of the participants do not socialise outside the group setting.

What I want to pass on to you is don’t put off making new friends or participating in things you like to do, either by yourself or with your husband. Keep your social circle alive. If your husband does pass before you, God forbid, it is a very lonely and sad place to be in. I am speaking from experience and don’t know whether I will ever get beyond this loneliness, even though I keep trying to meet new people.

@WendyAnne

When I read your post, I just had to respond.

I have been retired for the last eight years. I am now 62 years old. Similar to you, I didn’t mind being home all day. My husband of 43 years and I did many things together. We were best friends as well as husband and wife. Our friends were originally my husbands friends. He was a few years older than I so we chummed with his age group. Unfortunately my husband passed away in November 2014. He had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in December 2013. Prognosis was 2 weeks to 2 months. My husband lived for 11 months. I was his only caregiver for the entire time as his friends had drifted away and he was not comfortable with strangers in the house. My best and only friend (Judy) was also fighting cancer. She was my support throughout my husband’s illness and death. I can never express my gratefulness to her for her support.

Nine months after my husband passed, my mother also passed away from cancer. A total shock as she had never been ill a day in her life and suddenly over a three day period she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I was a mess. I managed to get by just putting one foot in front of the other. I have 2 sons (44 & 39 yrs. old) but both live a long distance from me. They also have their own lives to live and I didn’t want to become a burden so when asked I said everything was okay.

My best friend Judy passed away this past June. Now I am by myself with no friends or family near by. I am depressed and have been seeing a psychiatrist for medications and counsellor to help me work through my feelings and emotions. Days go by when I don’t see or talk to anybody.

I have been trying to make new friends since my husband died but it is not an easy task. I have tried joining a couple of groups but have found that most of the participants do not socialise outside the group setting.

What I want to pass on to you is don’t put off making new friends or participating in things you like to do, either by yourself or with your husband. Keep your social circle alive. If your husband does pass before you, God forbid, it is a very lonely and sad place to be in. I am speaking from experience and don’t know whether I will ever get beyond this loneliness, even though I keep trying to meet new people.

Jump to this post

Hi Wendy …. thank you so much for sharing part of your life with me … I feel honored. Yes, except for my 3 kids, who all have lives too, I have no family at all …. I’m the last of the MacPherson line in the U.S. and the ones in Nova Scotia are all gone also. My kids are great, but busy, which is good and right. When I moved from MD to VA I found that there are no Western Orthodox Churches down this way … closest is 1-1/2 hrs. away. I visited 2 Eastern Ortho., but it’s not a fit at all. Church was where my main support system came from before I moved down here. The folks in this particular area stick to themselves ….. they’ll say “hi” and chat awhile, but when it comes to being open to an invitation, or visa versa, they stick with their own families. I’m really not used to that at all … the town I came from in MD was very friendly, very open to new people, and just “real” people. And, similar to you, I have been seeing a therapist for 12 years and a Psychiatrist for the same length of time …. I take several meds. and I’m thankful for them. My X-husband (we were married for 42 years) lives about 45 min. from here, and while we do get along, it doesn’t help to hear about how “wonderful” his life is … from him, at family gatherings. I truly think I made a mistake moving here. It took me 4-5 years to finally decide to do it, but now I think it was a mistake. I still drive back up to MD to see my therapist and Psychiatrist every other week as down here, I am told by many folks that mental health help is sorely lacking. After 12 years, I’m not about to change. I’m home 90% of the time except when I need to go to the store, or visit my girls. Otherwise is pretty much a “waiting til the end.” I’m sorry ….. I know that sounds awful, and I apologize; but, it is just the way it is. (It is nothing down here like it was where I spent the last 35 years.) I had to put my dog down 2 months ago, I do have a kitty.
Thank you again Wendy, for sharing part of your life with me. I really am honored.
Blessings, Abby

Liked by marychapman

@margarettassmer

I’m 70 and for some reason just love to stay home. My husband, younger but not as healthy, works from home. We go everywhere together. We really enjoy each other’s company. My fear is he will die and I will really feel alone because we’re together all the time now. His parents were the same so to him it’s perfectly normal.
Also, my mother never had neighbors in. She went to lunch monthly. She lived to be 99 and sharp as a tack. But towards the end she was lonely even though I visited often.
My friends all moved! At 65-70 to NC, TN, SC. Two died. We live in New England. So my kids have their lives at 50 and 45 and my friends retired and moved out of large homes to retirement communities.
I really like my life now but will be pretty alone if I outlive my husband.
Older age has come on very fast.
Thank God I’m not depressed about it but concerned about being alone if it comes to that.
I don’t want to volunteer, join clubs, make friends now. So… It’s going to be my fault if I’m alone later in life.

Jump to this post

Hi Margaret …. like you, I am very much a home body. But, down here, nothing feels like home. I saw my therapist and Psychiatrist last Tuesday and finally got the diagnosis of Bipolar II, which is just a milder form of the Bipolar I we often think about. My “down”part is the most predominant – usually always there, rarely a day I don’t wake up not wanting to get out of bed. The “up” part for me isn’t manic as such, it’s just high anxiety. The few times I have felt really good were reactions from meds. (Prednisone for hives), I went on total on-line shopping sprees. So, now I’ve got 2 CC’s to pay off. When I do move about 15-20 miles from here to this “old age place” …. that’s what I call it …… I have got to get a job to get these cards paid off. I just want to feel “normal” …. whatever that is.
Abby

Don’t give up my friend. Bless your heart Lindsay

@margarettassmer

I’m 70 and for some reason just love to stay home. My husband, younger but not as healthy, works from home. We go everywhere together. We really enjoy each other’s company. My fear is he will die and I will really feel alone because we’re together all the time now. His parents were the same so to him it’s perfectly normal.
Also, my mother never had neighbors in. She went to lunch monthly. She lived to be 99 and sharp as a tack. But towards the end she was lonely even though I visited often.
My friends all moved! At 65-70 to NC, TN, SC. Two died. We live in New England. So my kids have their lives at 50 and 45 and my friends retired and moved out of large homes to retirement communities.
I really like my life now but will be pretty alone if I outlive my husband.
Older age has come on very fast.
Thank God I’m not depressed about it but concerned about being alone if it comes to that.
I don’t want to volunteer, join clubs, make friends now. So… It’s going to be my fault if I’m alone later in life.

Jump to this post

My niece is bi-polar. She is a sweet heart when on her meds, she doesn’t like the way they make her feel so she goes off them and is all over the place causing trouble. She has a child that she is mentally abusing. Thank God for her husband, he is the rock in that family. I hope he sticks it out.
I had another friend in Arizona that would go off her meds and then run off into the dessert and everyone had to look for her before she died of exposure.
My point….when they give you meds take them. Don’t stop. Call the doctor and get them changed but keep taking them.
I wish you luck in getting a job and getting rid of your debt.
I hope we keep talking so you know you have a friend.

@margarettassmer

I’m 70 and for some reason just love to stay home. My husband, younger but not as healthy, works from home. We go everywhere together. We really enjoy each other’s company. My fear is he will die and I will really feel alone because we’re together all the time now. His parents were the same so to him it’s perfectly normal.
Also, my mother never had neighbors in. She went to lunch monthly. She lived to be 99 and sharp as a tack. But towards the end she was lonely even though I visited often.
My friends all moved! At 65-70 to NC, TN, SC. Two died. We live in New England. So my kids have their lives at 50 and 45 and my friends retired and moved out of large homes to retirement communities.
I really like my life now but will be pretty alone if I outlive my husband.
Older age has come on very fast.
Thank God I’m not depressed about it but concerned about being alone if it comes to that.
I don’t want to volunteer, join clubs, make friends now. So… It’s going to be my fault if I’m alone later in life.

Jump to this post

Oh, believe me ….. I have always followed their directions to a “T.”
Abby

@amberprep

Abby sorry to hear that the move has been difficult for you but in my opinion is doesn’t sound as if you fully embraced it. Making such a move after you have been in one location for 35 years is very difficult your roots go deep. You doctor’s should be able to help you find doctors closer to you. You sound like you are in good health. Have you looked into volunteering at a local hospital, library or even an elementary school.

You must accept that you will not beable to recreate exactly the life you had prior to the move but you can find new things that can bring you the same happiness.

Hope all works out for you and find happiness and joy that you deserve.

@WendyAnne

When I read your post, I just had to respond.

I have been retired for the last eight years. I am now 62 years old. Similar to you, I didn’t mind being home all day. My husband of 43 years and I did many things together. We were best friends as well as husband and wife. Our friends were originally my husbands friends. He was a few years older than I so we chummed with his age group. Unfortunately my husband passed away in November 2014. He had been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in December 2013. Prognosis was 2 weeks to 2 months. My husband lived for 11 months. I was his only caregiver for the entire time as his friends had drifted away and he was not comfortable with strangers in the house. My best and only friend (Judy) was also fighting cancer. She was my support throughout my husband’s illness and death. I can never express my gratefulness to her for her support.

Nine months after my husband passed, my mother also passed away from cancer. A total shock as she had never been ill a day in her life and suddenly over a three day period she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. I was a mess. I managed to get by just putting one foot in front of the other. I have 2 sons (44 & 39 yrs. old) but both live a long distance from me. They also have their own lives to live and I didn’t want to become a burden so when asked I said everything was okay.

My best friend Judy passed away this past June. Now I am by myself with no friends or family near by. I am depressed and have been seeing a psychiatrist for medications and counsellor to help me work through my feelings and emotions. Days go by when I don’t see or talk to anybody.

I have been trying to make new friends since my husband died but it is not an easy task. I have tried joining a couple of groups but have found that most of the participants do not socialise outside the group setting.

What I want to pass on to you is don’t put off making new friends or participating in things you like to do, either by yourself or with your husband. Keep your social circle alive. If your husband does pass before you, God forbid, it is a very lonely and sad place to be in. I am speaking from experience and don’t know whether I will ever get beyond this loneliness, even though I keep trying to meet new people.

Jump to this post

@Making new friends is so very difficult. It’s almost like high school. There are groups in activities I’ve joined and they won’t let you into their little cliques. They may talk and be friendly but go off and make plans without even thinking of asking you to come along. At school, work, in neighborhoods I was always very popular. I’m upbeat and helpful and always have a smile on my face.
So….I’ve got pets. They love me unconditionally.

I’ll listen my family completely abandoned me when they found out that I had mental health issues like anxiety depression PTSD anxiety and I have sensory processing disorder and I’m probably on the autism spectrum somewhere. Most of my friends abandoned me I have a few friends that still keep up with me if they don’t want to hear anything about my problems they just want to hear the positive stuff so I’d rather be alone. I don’t feel like people get the right to just certain parts of my life they don’t get the joy and the happiness part they don’t experience or don’t support me with the emotional part. I feel like it’s a good thing for us to connect on sites like this because I think a lot of people are facing this type of discrimination from their families and when everyone’s life is going perfectly they don’t care about sick people and they don’t want to hear anything about it and I think it’s ridiculous I find it to be humiliating and degrading. I feel your pain I am empathetic towards it and I know exactly what you’re going through because I was dumped by my entire family and friends when I got my depression now for over a year now without any treatments or help my doctors don’t believe me my parents don’t believe me my friends don’t believe me physically I’ve been left in the dark for an entire year without working without friends without family support I basically have nothing. I don’t feel supported I don’t feel loved I don’t feel like anybody really cares. But I do care about you and I would like to hear more about what’s going on and how you cope things that you do to feel better but even if you aren’t feeling better I’ll hear about that part too because that’s most of my day 90% of my day is feeling completely horrible so I understand

@melissa333

I’ll listen my family completely abandoned me when they found out that I had mental health issues like anxiety depression PTSD anxiety and I have sensory processing disorder and I’m probably on the autism spectrum somewhere. Most of my friends abandoned me I have a few friends that still keep up with me if they don’t want to hear anything about my problems they just want to hear the positive stuff so I’d rather be alone. I don’t feel like people get the right to just certain parts of my life they don’t get the joy and the happiness part they don’t experience or don’t support me with the emotional part. I feel like it’s a good thing for us to connect on sites like this because I think a lot of people are facing this type of discrimination from their families and when everyone’s life is going perfectly they don’t care about sick people and they don’t want to hear anything about it and I think it’s ridiculous I find it to be humiliating and degrading. I feel your pain I am empathetic towards it and I know exactly what you’re going through because I was dumped by my entire family and friends when I got my depression now for over a year now without any treatments or help my doctors don’t believe me my parents don’t believe me my friends don’t believe me physically I’ve been left in the dark for an entire year without working without friends without family support I basically have nothing. I don’t feel supported I don’t feel loved I don’t feel like anybody really cares. But I do care about you and I would like to hear more about what’s going on and how you cope things that you do to feel better but even if you aren’t feeling better I’ll hear about that part too because that’s most of my day 90% of my day is feeling completely horrible so I understand

Jump to this post

Hi dear friends …. well, it’s been another “kick in the pants” week. I went to a lake at a National Park with my girls and grandkids last Fri., and it made me feel sad …. my X and I did that often and would camp and hike and just “be.” My 3 kids get along wonderfully for which I am grateful ….. my 2 girls are planning their Christmas trip to a state park in WV ….. they do this every year …. they take Christmas lights, music, and items they are making a craft with for gifts. They stay in a cabin and just have a wonderful time …. they are so fortunate to have each other. During our time Fri. at the lake there was a lot of talk about what to make, where to get it, etc., often several feet away from me (not intentionally on their part), and I felt totally left out and unwanted ….. remnants of earlier life. Then I realized that what was actually happening was (and I am not proud of this), I was jealous of their relationship. I always longed for a sibling which I never had, to walk through the hell of our childhood …. it would have been someone to talk to. I was always alone, living within myself. I have got to stop being so sensitive to these things. I wanted my 3 to have good relationships, and they do, and now here I am …. envious of it. I feel like a 10 year old.
I also went to pay some bills this morning and my checking account is way overdrawn! I have been meticulous about keeping track of everything and it totally panicked me. I’m in the process of getting dentures and they’ve been a monthly bundle, but I thought I had all the figures tracked ….. apparently not.
I just feel sick. I think moving here was one giant mistake. Perhaps growing up alone, albeit in a drunken, drug riddled family, I continue to prefer to be alone. I am going to sit down and figure out what my costs are at both places, and depending what I find, I well may go back, get a job, and just stay there. My girls won’t like it, but I’m sorry about that.
I guess I really should tell you the origins of this spiral. My father died 13 years ago and left me a very large inheritance. At the advice of a “friend” I got myself a Financial Planner to help me with it and unknown to me, he was a smaller version of Bernie Madoff. I, and others, were left with less than 1/3 to 1/4 of what I had. I was sick …. it was my father’s hard-working money and this bas___d stole it. Sure, he is on probation with the SEC and was fined a hefty fine, but what about all of us who got “taken” ….. I have been told by a lawyer that the way the contracts were written, we had no recourse ….. those of us who lost money through his scheming and overbilling are just out of luck. So here I am, and all the rest – whomever they are – living our “golden years” in a way totally unforeseen.
Thanks for listening friends,
abby

Liked by Kim

Please login or register to post a reply.