Psychiatric Medications are Killing Me.

I have been on high doses of psychiatric medications for quite some time. It turns out that I should not have ever been put on them. The antidepressants do nothing to relieve depression, because the problem is not depression. Depression is only a symptom of the problem. The problem is terrible childhood trauma. All the meds have done is numb my feelings.

The medications destroyed my ability to sleep making everything much worse. I was then put on Seroquel for sleep. Seroquel knocks me out but according to the sleep doctor I’m not really getting sleep,

I wake up everyday so suicidal that I would kill myself if I had the means, I fight my way through the day and try to be productive. By the end of the day I usually have hope again. Then I go to bed and the cycle starts all over again,

My providers agree that I need to reduce and get off the medication. We tried before and I ended up in the hospital. This time is going better and I am making progress dealing with the trauma. However, everyday is a roll of the dice.

Every change to the medication tosses me straight back into hell. I am not experiencing a reoccurrence of depressive symptoms. I don’t think that is even valid. No medication or treatment has ever addressed my desire to die. The only thing that had helped is addressing the trauma.

I am losing my ability to fight through the discontinuation effects from the medications. At times like this I am certain I am going to kill myself. I still take 122.5 of Venlafaxine, 300 mg of bupropion and 75mg of Seroquel. I also have .5 lorazepam as needed. The lorazepam doesn’t touch the discontinuation effects.

I just want my life to end. I have been fighting for fifty four years. I can’t do this anymore. I write down everything I am going through so that if I do kill myself my experience may help others.

I guess part of me still wants to live or I wouldn’t be writing this. No one should have to go through this.

I don’t want to be just another person the pharmaceutical industry has killed.

I wish everyone peace and good health.