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Guener
@guener

Posts: 79
Joined: Nov 27, 2011

On Grief from a Lost Relationship

Posted by @guener, Sep 25, 2016

I have been obsessing over the loss of my relationship with my once fiance. My anxiety has been really high, and while I do not cry I think about her all the time. There is no possibility of reconciliation, and I feel my guilt over the matter continuously. My fault lies in my use of alcohol over my depression, and I know how detrimental this is to one’s physical and mental well being. Sometimes suicidal thoughts intrude, but so far I can recognize those ideas as irrational and not a course to take, though I have pretty much arranged how things would be carried out in the event of my death. I don’t mean to overemphasize the dire straits, but this sadness is consuming me. It has been months of pain, and sometimes I think it will never end.

Liked by grammydove

REPLY

Hi @jay_baruch, thank you for being opening up about what you’re going through. I’ve seen many of your posts on Connect before and know that you’ve tried different therapies and medications yet your depression hasn’t fully subsided. As you mentioned, alcohol can complicate things as it is a depressant and can worsen the situation when combined with antidepressants: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants-and-alcohol/faq-20058231

Have you tried channeling your anxiety into hobbies? It can sometimes be a positive distraction that aides in the coping process. Here’s a list of some other methods in case you haven’t tried them: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

I’m also tagging @jajade, @lilwitch, and @roxie43 who might be able to share their experiences. Never forget that you’re not alone, we’re here for you.

@aliskahan

Hi @jay_baruch, thank you for being opening up about what you’re going through. I’ve seen many of your posts on Connect before and know that you’ve tried different therapies and medications yet your depression hasn’t fully subsided. As you mentioned, alcohol can complicate things as it is a depressant and can worsen the situation when combined with antidepressants: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/antidepressants-and-alcohol/faq-20058231

Have you tried channeling your anxiety into hobbies? It can sometimes be a positive distraction that aides in the coping process. Here’s a list of some other methods in case you haven’t tried them: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

I’m also tagging @jajade, @lilwitch, and @roxie43 who might be able to share their experiences. Never forget that you’re not alone, we’re here for you.

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@aliskahan, thank you for the referrals and for the helpful links. I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work to help build up my self-esteem (hobbies), so I’m glad that you mentioned that as a reminder. I’m trying to get out of my head and into life in a better, more productive way; while it is difficult when one is depressed.

Liked by Ali Skahan

I am not in this group but saw your post and could sesnse your desperation so felt the need to reply. Exercise is also a great way to release good, healthy endorphins which help combat depression and will help you boost your self esteem. Break this cycle to let go of your fear and know you are not alone and NOT a failure. We all have weaknesses and are not perfect but we all have what it takes to change ourselves for the better. #dontgiveup. #staystrong. #youcandothis

@coastalgirl

I am not in this group but saw your post and could sesnse your desperation so felt the need to reply. Exercise is also a great way to release good, healthy endorphins which help combat depression and will help you boost your self esteem. Break this cycle to let go of your fear and know you are not alone and NOT a failure. We all have weaknesses and are not perfect but we all have what it takes to change ourselves for the better. #dontgiveup. #staystrong. #youcandothis

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@coastalgirl , I thank you very much for your words of relief and recommendations; too, as well, that you sensed my emotional desperation. I am a decent person, but I see too often only my faults. My ex-partner, she told me that we can change, and I know that to be true. It’s just very hard work. If I don’t see a brighter way, that work just becomes harder, so it’s helpful that people like you remind me that it’s not easy but it’s worth the effort. 🙂

@coastalgirl

I am not in this group but saw your post and could sesnse your desperation so felt the need to reply. Exercise is also a great way to release good, healthy endorphins which help combat depression and will help you boost your self esteem. Break this cycle to let go of your fear and know you are not alone and NOT a failure. We all have weaknesses and are not perfect but we all have what it takes to change ourselves for the better. #dontgiveup. #staystrong. #youcandothis

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It definitely can be a hard road but if you keep getting up day and having the goal of moving forward, no matter how slowly, and letting go of past failures, you can make a change. Reach out to trusted sources to help you through the rough spots because no man is an island. We all need positive support!! Wishing you smooth sailing ahead.

Liked by Ali Skahan

It is so difficult for me not to think of myself as an Island, because of my circumstances of moving recently: I don’t have any friends here, and my friends of the past are so closely tied to my breakup, it’s unusual. And when I think of what I did emotionally to a person, that she had to say good-bye, I feel like I should be destroyed. Sigh. I don’t know how I can forgive myself, ever.

What a difficult situation. Try and reach out in your new area to support groups, therapist, church, or other groups so you can grow a support network. Do everything you can to stay strong. Each day brings the promise of hope and a chance to get it right. Don’t lose hope. Just focus on the future and brighter days and not the past. Once you can forgive yourself you can begin to heal.

Liked by Ali Skahan

You are bright, and I mean that in the sense of light and in of knowing. Thank you for your support.

Liked by Ali Skahan

Hi … while our situations are not exactly alike, I fully understand what you’re feeling. About 8 years ago I was divorced from my husband of 42 years …. this was my last resort. He is a narcissist and would not do anything to change …… I was “irrational and illogical” …. he was fine. Those were the most painful years of my life. It is only within the passed few years that I feel more adjusted, but it is not easy. But, in your case, it sounds as though you can do something to help yourself. First, get help from a good Psychiatrist ….. next get help for your alcoholism, and get into intense therapy. I can understand your sadness and guilt, but this is a case that you are able to do something about it …. there is help out there …… go after it!
Good luck, Abby

@amberpep

Hi … while our situations are not exactly alike, I fully understand what you’re feeling. About 8 years ago I was divorced from my husband of 42 years …. this was my last resort. He is a narcissist and would not do anything to change …… I was “irrational and illogical” …. he was fine. Those were the most painful years of my life. It is only within the passed few years that I feel more adjusted, but it is not easy. But, in your case, it sounds as though you can do something to help yourself. First, get help from a good Psychiatrist ….. next get help for your alcoholism, and get into intense therapy. I can understand your sadness and guilt, but this is a case that you are able to do something about it …. there is help out there …… go after it!
Good luck, Abby

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@amberpep, thank you for the great advice, and I am doing all those things. It’s hard working on yourself. Still, I’m pervaded daily with sadness. I have to just keep plodding through this.

@amberpep

Hi … while our situations are not exactly alike, I fully understand what you’re feeling. About 8 years ago I was divorced from my husband of 42 years …. this was my last resort. He is a narcissist and would not do anything to change …… I was “irrational and illogical” …. he was fine. Those were the most painful years of my life. It is only within the passed few years that I feel more adjusted, but it is not easy. But, in your case, it sounds as though you can do something to help yourself. First, get help from a good Psychiatrist ….. next get help for your alcoholism, and get into intense therapy. I can understand your sadness and guilt, but this is a case that you are able to do something about it …. there is help out there …… go after it!
Good luck, Abby

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Sometimes, Jay, it’s like walking through molasses in the dead of winter, but ….. it’s truly worth it. Once you’re rid of the alcohol, getting good treatment for the sadness and depression, who knows what great things may lie ahead for you?! Good luck, my friend.
Abby

Liked by Guener

I can relate. Due to depression and anxiety I never could connect with girls when I was a teenager or as an adult. I could not understand, I wasn’t unattractive and I was even sometimes chased by women. When I was about 30 I was doing ok but I had always wanted a wife and children as all my HS friends had married and were raising families. I got a real good job with a regional accounting firm as I had persevered with much difficulty to get a degree in accounting following in my deceased father’s footsteps. ( btw I too had and have a problem with alchohol ) In this job that I really liked I was at my desk one day and I could not make myself work to complete my task and I became very frightened and called a shrink and without any diagnosing they asked me 10 questions and told me (labeled me as depressed).

The pschologist who was not supposed to write prescriptions had the Doctor put me on a antidepressant and it worked very well. I conttinued therapy for a while and signed up for a computer class, bought a cheap camera and then went to a happy hour and made friends very easily. I felt so good especially when drinking. I started drinking too much and knew it and I told my therapist and he told me not to worry about it that it was ok. He also advised me to just have fun with women and not worry. So one night I met my future wife and I also connected to another cool chick. I was able to work very fast and got a substantial raise. It seemed too good to be true and it was. My wife and I were blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children.

Anyway when the drug stopped working it all vanished, my wife was suppotive for a while but when I kept sinking into the darkness of depressiom she deserted me when I needed her the most. I had to be hospitalized with a broken heart. Not only did I lose my wife but she turned my children against me.

I feel for you

@tcccpa

I can relate. Due to depression and anxiety I never could connect with girls when I was a teenager or as an adult. I could not understand, I wasn’t unattractive and I was even sometimes chased by women. When I was about 30 I was doing ok but I had always wanted a wife and children as all my HS friends had married and were raising families. I got a real good job with a regional accounting firm as I had persevered with much difficulty to get a degree in accounting following in my deceased father’s footsteps. ( btw I too had and have a problem with alchohol ) In this job that I really liked I was at my desk one day and I could not make myself work to complete my task and I became very frightened and called a shrink and without any diagnosing they asked me 10 questions and told me (labeled me as depressed).

The pschologist who was not supposed to write prescriptions had the Doctor put me on a antidepressant and it worked very well. I conttinued therapy for a while and signed up for a computer class, bought a cheap camera and then went to a happy hour and made friends very easily. I felt so good especially when drinking. I started drinking too much and knew it and I told my therapist and he told me not to worry about it that it was ok. He also advised me to just have fun with women and not worry. So one night I met my future wife and I also connected to another cool chick. I was able to work very fast and got a substantial raise. It seemed too good to be true and it was. My wife and I were blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children.

Anyway when the drug stopped working it all vanished, my wife was suppotive for a while but when I kept sinking into the darkness of depressiom she deserted me when I needed her the most. I had to be hospitalized with a broken heart. Not only did I lose my wife but she turned my children against me.

I feel for you

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A very heart-felt reply, thank you. I do not understand why anyone would tell you it was okay to drink through to a relationship; while I have done so in my case. What I found is that it clouded my understanding of my feelings of how to relate to the person I came to love, and, of course, hurt that person. I do understand why I came to drink in relationships, and like you I was/am a handsome man that could get along with women when I felt okay about myself via drink. No person wants or needs to be in a relationship that is an illusion forever.

Today I am charged with finding who I am independently, and I am unsure and afraid of any relationship. I carry the scars of being informed directly how I can hurt people in dishonesty of who I am, and of sharing my fears. To be honest, I fear forever to be alone; while feeling I deserve it. The good days are when I don’t think about this state and can occupy my mind hourly. This is not life, it’s just existence, but I still try.

Jay

Liked by tcccpa, grammydove

Hi @jay_baruch, I was thinking about you today and noticed we haven’t heard from you for a little while. How are you?

Liked by loriannek

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