1. < Loss & Grief

On Grief from a Lost Relationship

Posted by Guener @guener, Sep 25, 2016

I have been obsessing over the loss of my relationship with my once fiance. My anxiety has been really high, and while I do not cry I think about her all the time. There is no possibility of reconciliation, and I feel my guilt over the matter continuously. My fault lies in my use of alcohol over my depression, and I know how detrimental this is to one's physical and mental well being. Sometimes suicidal thoughts intrude, but so far I can recognize those ideas as irrational and not a course to take, though I have pretty much arranged how things would be carried out in the event of my death. I don't mean to overemphasize the dire straits, but this sadness is consuming me. It has been months of pain, and sometimes I think it will never end.

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Barb | @amberpep | Oct 1, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Hi ... while our situations are not exactly alike, I fully understand what you're feeling. About..." + (show)
@amberpep

Hi ... while our situations are not exactly alike, I fully understand what you're feeling. About 8 years ago I was divorced from my husband of 42 years .... this was my last resort. He is a narcissist and would not do anything to change ...... I was "irrational and illogical" .... he was fine. Those were the most painful years of my life. It is only within the passed few years that I feel more adjusted, but it is not easy. But, in your case, it sounds as though you can do something to help yourself. First, get help from a good Psychiatrist ..... next get help for your alcoholism, and get into intense therapy. I can understand your sadness and guilt, but this is a case that you are able to do something about it .... there is help out there ...... go after it!
Good luck, Abby

Jump to this post

Sometimes, Jay, it's like walking through molasses in the dead of winter, but ..... it's truly worth it. Once you're rid of the alcohol, getting good treatment for the sadness and depression, who knows what great things may lie ahead for you?! Good luck, my friend.
Abby

REPLY
tcccpa | @tcccpa | Oct 11, 2016

I can relate. Due to depression and anxiety I never could connect with girls when I was a teenager or as an adult. I could not understand, I wasn't unattractive and I was even sometimes chased by women. When I was about 30 I was doing ok but I had always wanted a wife and children as all my HS friends had married and were raising families. I got a real good job with a regional accounting firm as I had persevered with much difficulty to get a degree in accounting following in my deceased father's footsteps. ( btw I too had and have a problem with alchohol ) In this job that I really liked I was at my desk one day and I could not make myself work to complete my task and I became very frightened and called a shrink and without any diagnosing they asked me 10 questions and told me (labeled me as depressed).

The pschologist who was not supposed to write prescriptions had the Doctor put me on a antidepressant and it worked very well. I conttinued therapy for a while and signed up for a computer class, bought a cheap camera and then went to a happy hour and made friends very easily. I felt so good especially when drinking. I started drinking too much and knew it and I told my therapist and he told me not to worry about it that it was ok. He also advised me to just have fun with women and not worry. So one night I met my future wife and I also connected to another cool chick. I was able to work very fast and got a substantial raise. It seemed too good to be true and it was. My wife and I were blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children.

Anyway when the drug stopped working it all vanished, my wife was suppotive for a while but when I kept sinking into the darkness of depressiom she deserted me when I needed her the most. I had to be hospitalized with a broken heart. Not only did I lose my wife but she turned my children against me.

I feel for you

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1 reply
Guener | @guener | Oct 11, 2016
In reply to @tcccpa "I can relate. Due to depression and anxiety I never could connect with girls when I..." + (show)
@tcccpa

I can relate. Due to depression and anxiety I never could connect with girls when I was a teenager or as an adult. I could not understand, I wasn't unattractive and I was even sometimes chased by women. When I was about 30 I was doing ok but I had always wanted a wife and children as all my HS friends had married and were raising families. I got a real good job with a regional accounting firm as I had persevered with much difficulty to get a degree in accounting following in my deceased father's footsteps. ( btw I too had and have a problem with alchohol ) In this job that I really liked I was at my desk one day and I could not make myself work to complete my task and I became very frightened and called a shrink and without any diagnosing they asked me 10 questions and told me (labeled me as depressed).

The pschologist who was not supposed to write prescriptions had the Doctor put me on a antidepressant and it worked very well. I conttinued therapy for a while and signed up for a computer class, bought a cheap camera and then went to a happy hour and made friends very easily. I felt so good especially when drinking. I started drinking too much and knew it and I told my therapist and he told me not to worry about it that it was ok. He also advised me to just have fun with women and not worry. So one night I met my future wife and I also connected to another cool chick. I was able to work very fast and got a substantial raise. It seemed too good to be true and it was. My wife and I were blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children.

Anyway when the drug stopped working it all vanished, my wife was suppotive for a while but when I kept sinking into the darkness of depressiom she deserted me when I needed her the most. I had to be hospitalized with a broken heart. Not only did I lose my wife but she turned my children against me.

I feel for you

Jump to this post

A very heart-felt reply, thank you. I do not understand why anyone would tell you it was okay to drink through to a relationship; while I have done so in my case. What I found is that it clouded my understanding of my feelings of how to relate to the person I came to love, and, of course, hurt that person. I do understand why I came to drink in relationships, and like you I was/am a handsome man that could get along with women when I felt okay about myself via drink. No person wants or needs to be in a relationship that is an illusion forever.

Today I am charged with finding who I am independently, and I am unsure and afraid of any relationship. I carry the scars of being informed directly how I can hurt people in dishonesty of who I am, and of sharing my fears. To be honest, I fear forever to be alone; while feeling I deserve it. The good days are when I don't think about this state and can occupy my mind hourly. This is not life, it's just existence, but I still try.

Jay

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Nov 3, 2016

Hi @jay_baruch, I was thinking about you today and noticed we haven't heard from you for a little while. How are you?

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healingone | @healingone | Feb 7, 2020

How are things going for you?

Have a great day!

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