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My Opioid Addiction
MY OPIOID ADDICTION
My body is my major negative asset. I am riddled with pain. At a 5, 6 or 7 out of 10 on my pain scale, I still function normally, just living through it. At a 10, I suffer in bed. As a youth I had occasional, classic aural/nausea migraines. They became more frequent and less severe, till they morphed into chronic daily headaches. Knee pain resulted in a knee replacement. But arthritis continues to attack my lower back and neck. My piriformis muscles too, add to the relentless pain.
I probably saw a hundred medical practitioners from both traditional medicine,-pain or neurology specialists, to alternative treatment, from acupuncture to cupping. Nothing worked except drugs... especially when oxycodone was introduced to the medical market.
My doctor was very enthusiastic. There was a medical mantra they all bought into that was clearly promoted by the drug company.
They believed that there was a difference between those who used oxycodone for recreational use who could be addicted, but if used for pain and no high was experienced, you could not become addicted, you were only ‘dependent’. I never experienced any high on opioids.
Somehow it was assumed that ‘dependent’ was a mild issue that could be easily rectified if necessary. You could just quit anytime. I started with Percocets a few times a day. It soon was not enough. My doc prescribed Oxycontin. It was soon not enough.
A friend had a fentanyl patch. My doc said he only prescribed a patch for terminal cancer patients. He upped the Oxycontin dose... again... and again. I continued to complain of pain. Finally he added a fentanyl patch. I began taking 160 mg of combined Oxycontin and Percocets, plus the patch.
I was a drug addict. I remember driving up the Don Valley Parkway in Toronto, in bumper to bumper, stop and go, rush hour traffic, in a drug stupor. I fell asleep at a pause and was only awakened by car horns urging me to move on. It was time to stop.
A pain specialist advised moving into a residential rehab facility. I opted for the do-it-yourself option. I researched the process and decided to do it on my own. It took me 6 months to get off the opioids.
I asked my wife what it was like when I was getting off the drug. “You lost your mind. You kept saying to everyone you saw the Buddha on the road. You wandered up and down the beach at the cottage buttonholing people and talking nonsense and breaking down crying.”
My cottage neighbour, a doctor, who observed me in this state, called it ‘ebullient emotion’, typical when patients have strokes or when in shock. I burst into bouts of convulsive weeping without any reason. I did that frequently during my detox.
I reduced my dose by 5mg a week. It was agony. After a couple of months the detox twisted my mind. I was nearly mad. Even when I was down to 5mg per day it was excruciating. I wanted to give up and get a strong dose, but I persisted.
I remember talking to Laurie, a pharmacist at Shoppers Drug Mart in Penetanguishene and asked her if there was anything I could take to get me over the agony on my last 5mg.
She asked how much I had reduced from. “160mg and a fentanyl patch,” I replied.
“On your own?’ she asked, incredulously.
“Yes,” I said.
“That’s unheard of,” she said. Her face signalled shock.
Every time I hear one of many current statistical opioid stories on TV, I am reminded of my addiction and detox. For example: * There were 2833 opioid related deaths in Ontario last year. * In the USA, there were more than 70,200 overdose deaths in just 2017. More than 130 people died every day from opioid- related drug overdoses.
On TV as I wrote this, someone declared, “One hundred people die from gun violence in the USA every day”. 130 from opioids! 100 from gun violence! Are these not preventable?
I have been free of opioids for a few years now. The pain persists but I am better off than where I was. My wife had nightmares about my drugged period. “I thought we were going to lose you.” I am still here.
By the way, I really did see the Buddha on the road.
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Thank you for this! I, too, am a Substance Use Counselor and am having screaming-heebie-jeebies (and yes, in my world, that is a clinical term lol) over some of these "cold turkey" and "self-tapering" stories! They horrify me. Doctors prescribe (and over-prescribe) these damn drugs and fail to educate their patients about them and that is, in my opinion, unethical and damn near, if not complete, malpractice. I will not get on my soap box tonight. I just will spare all of you that! But know this, your suffering and struggles make my heart ache! But your resilience makes me so proud!
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1 ReactionSo true. I am tapering down xanax now. Half mg tabs and I took one in am and one pm. I am at one in am and 1/2 in pm now, making it 3/4 mg. Getting ready to go down again to 1/2 daily, split in half. Done with benzos.. Now, I take hydrocodone 10/325. I have severe back issues from 30 years doing hair. My RX says every 6 hours but sometimes I need them less. I always have to move my appt out about a couple weeks. I see my pain management doctor every 2 months and he calls in the 2 RX. One is filled and one is put on file for later. I have now gone to every 7 hours. Very seldom do I need them every 4. I have been taking them for 20 years and yes they still work. Some pain is still there but that's how it is. I also have neuropathy and if I stand in one place too long, my thighs will get numb. They also get numb if I lie on back at night. I wake sometimes and am on back and both thighs are numb. I have something for nerve issues but do not take it. I was in the hospital for 2 days treated for leg pain, with dilaudid. I cried so much my eyes were swollen. Still not sure what happened there but I am terrified I'll wake one morning and not be able to get out of bed. Just taking one day at a time.
A percentage of people are left with stiffness and pain. I think I waited too long over 10 years to make the decision I’m thankful I still mobile
Hello Carol, @carol1024, it's nice to meet you. 30 years on your feet...it's no wonder you have chronic back pain. I took vocational cosmetology in high school, but due to back pain I never tested to become licensed. It just wasn't in the cards.
First, congratulations on tapering down Xanax! Wanting to rid of benzos is an incredible accomplishment that you should be proud of for pursuing. Second, always taking the least amount that you need of an opioid is responsible pain management. Thanks to @summertime4 for such a profound post. So true, is right! Seeing it both ways is important to have understanding and empathy when it comes to addictive medications.
I'm wondering if you've ever considered an all inclusive pain "rehabilitation" center? Not a pain clinic or pain management facility - a place that treats the whole person, body and mind? I used hydrocodone, plus medical marijuana, injections, ablations...you name it. I tried benzos and other stuff and hated every minute of it, but never knew what else to do for myself - my pain, my symptoms. None of my docs offered up any more than meds. For me Mayo Clinic Pain Rehabilitation Center ended up being my "drug" of choice. Here is who helped me -Dr. Sletten from the Mayo PRC discussing chronic pain and rehabilitation. Maybe you will find it interesting. He's a pretty dynamic speaker if nothing else.
For you to worry that one day you will wake up and not be able to get out of bed is torture to yourself and makes me sad for you. I had those days and they were miserable. Do you think you might consider trying nerve medication? Why have you chosen not to?
The xanax and beta blockers I take because of a brain aneurysm I had in 2011. I have anxiety very bad. My doctor said he would put me on a non benzo for my anxiety if I wanted. The problem runs in my family. Our adrenaline pump doesn't cut off. That fight or flight feeling you get?, yeah, things don't return to normal like they should. I have had every kind of heart test you can imagine. When I had the heart cath last year, the doctor said I have healthy, strong heart with no blockage. It used to feel like a machine gun in my chest and would scare me so bad I'd call EMS. The metoprolol slows my heart down and is a Godsend. I've gone months with no palpitations and skipped beats. I also have nerve medication. I've got a whole bottle of gabapentin, I've tried Lyrica, I don't like how it makes me feel. I think it didn't mix well with other meds I was on. The only way to fix the problem is to get the discs off the nerve. The fluid between discs is drying out(can't remember what it's called right this second) and the nerves get caught sometimes, depends on what I'm doing. I have areas on my back where the nerves branch out that are numb, about the size of a nickel, used to be dime sized. When I first had issues, I sat on a 5 gallon bucket and pulled weeds from a garden. It was the back and forth rocking I did for hours that did something. That night I couldn't hardly move and it felt like my back needed popping. This was in 2000. I couldn't get out of bed for a week. Everytime I would put weight on lower back it would spasm and hurt and I'd fall back into bed. After a week, my then boyfriend called non EMS to take me to hospital and they did x-ray, gave pain meds and sent me home. I was referred to orthopedic doctor and he gave me a shot in lower back and I was good for about 28 days. So the back thing isn't going to get better until I get the nerves out of the way. I have sciatica at times very bad. I can't do any repetitive bending or leaning at an angle. I can do thorough vacuuming like changing attachments and going along walls and because I'm bent over a lot, I can hardly straighten up when done. At times I have to stop and sit. I love to sew and had to raise my table about 4 inches so I wouldn't have to lean at awkward angle while cutting pattern. I don't sew anymore because of it. The pinched nerve in my neck, made worse from years of holding arms in air doing perms, cutting, etc, makes it numb across top of shoulders. I can't sit at a computer and sit in chair, on edge. I have to lean completely back. I'd do taxes and after 10 minutes sitting upright midway in chair, my shoulders were numb and burning. I could scratch it and not feel a thing. I also tried a chiropractor and felt good for about 3 days then right back to where I was. So, I think surgery is the only thing but that's about $25,000 for the procedure to fill in the discs and lift if so nerves don't get caught. Right now you could say I'm in holding pattern, just taking one day at a time. ❤️
Thank you for sharing so much of your personal health journey. It doesn't sound too pretty but definitely sounds like you're a fighter and you continue to persevere. I like your mantra of one day at a time, sometimes that's all we can do.
Remarkable story and refreshing honesty. I’m 74 and have dealt with pmr and osteoarthritis for 8 years. I’ve tried infusions, joint injections, joint replacements and continuing use of prednisone. My arms appear tattooed from the medications. The only treatment that gave me relief was Vicodin, 4-5 tablets a day. The reluctance of my doctors and difficulties in filing script resulted in discontinuing its use. Everyone is happy ( doctors running scared to prescribe) except me. I deal with the pain everyday. Our government knows best.
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3 ReactionsI had a shoulder replacement 5 years prior.
About 2.5 prior, pain returned to the shoulder, not as intrense as pre-op, but still wakes me at night.
Imaging is not definitive, no good reason has been determined.
The surgeon & I suspect it's a tendon issue.
The low pressure fronts are killer.
In the NW, it's about everfy 3 days during the winter, so I'm in constant pain also.
ITS VERY HARD FOR ME TO IMAGINE THAT MEDICAL MARIJUANA IS NOT BETTER THAN THE DRUGS WE ARE PRESCRIBED. I HAVE BEEN PRESCRIBED SO MANY SLEEP MEDICATIONS DUE TO A HORRIFIC WITHDRAWAL FROM 17 YEARS ON LORAZEPAM FOR RLS. LORAZEPAM IS USED FOR SLEEP, SO, OBVIOUSLY WHEN YOU STOP, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP. MY LAST SLEEP MEDICATION WAS DAYVIGO, $138 FOR 30 DAYS. DID NOT WORK, TRIED FOR 5 DAYS AND STOPPED. FINALLY I TRIED KIVA CANNABIS-INFUSED DARK CHOCOLATE 5MG PER SERVING. I HAVE TAKEN IT EVERY NIGHT FOR 2 WEEKS AND I HAVE GONE FROM 3 HRS SLEEP A NIGHT TO 6 HRS. I DON'T THINK THIS WILL CONTINUE TO WORK, BUT I AM THANKFUL FOR THE RELIEF I AM HAVING NOW. ITS LEGAL IN SAN FRANCISCO AND I KNOW MANY ADULTS WHO USE CANNABIS WITH MUCH SUCCESS.
I am tapering down on xanax now. Taken it since 2011. 1 mg daily. They are 1/2 mg tablets and I take 1 in am and 1 in pm. I an now at 1 in am and 1/2 in pm making it 3/4 mg. I'll soon go to just 1 tablet daily. I had withdrawals when I stopped suddenly because of snafu with new doctor not filling it for a week. I didn't know it was withdrawals until after a week and 2 visits to hospital in 24 hours. My sense of smell was screwed up, I didn't eat for 5 days, physically could not sleep for over 48 hours and could not cry. It was horrible. I'm so done with benzos. I'm ready to feel normal again. Doctor said he could give me non benzo for anxiety if I want but I need something fast acting for when the anxiety attack hits.