My friend and support person "quit" me

I’ve had a friend for several years who more recently became someone whom I considered one of my best friends. This was especially true because over the last year and a half, we became support persons to one another as both of our husbands exhibited increasing signs of MCI and/or dementia. We met at least twice a month to discuss our worries and concerns. In between, the four of us went out socially ever month or two.

My husband was further along in this journey, so I was able to offer her more information and ideas as to disease characteristics, medications, possible treatments, caregiving options and so on. Time and again, she told me how happy she was to have me as her friend because it was hard for others to understand what she was going through unless they were experiencing it themselves. She frequently thanked me for my ideas and/or advice. She expressed particular interest in the CCRC that we had moved to.

Everything seemed to be fine until almost three months ago when she and her husband returned from a long vacation. I sent her an email asking when she might like to meet up again, and she replied that, “For the time being, I’m choosing not to talk so much about M's MCI, worst-case scenarios or future care decisions unless and until I decide it's necessary.” I replied, saying that was her choice but that I would miss her support of me. I also said that sometimes waiting to decide until it’s necessary wasn’t a good idea and that I still thought it would be wise to get on a waitlist for our CCRC because it is 100% full at this time.

Well, that wasn’t the response she wanted to hear. “I’m not open to continuing debate about care planning, waitlists, or assessments of M’s condition, “ she said. I replied that I wasn’t trying to debate her or force her into anything, but in subsequent emails, she got more irate, accusing me of giving her unwanted opinions and unsolicited advice as well as being “relentless” in trying to get them to move to our CCRC. I was flabbergasted and very hurt because that wasn't true at all, and we closed the conversation by saying each of us felt we weren’t good friends anymore. I did tell her I appreciated the support she had given me while I was going through some difficult times, and hoped that she felt I offered her a little bit of comfort while she faced similar challenges.

She did not respond at all, plus she “unfriended me on Facebook”! Because I do miss her friendship as well as the support she gave me, I decided to contact her again two weeks ago to see if she would be willing to meet in person to attempt a reconciliation. She wrote back with a terse message, “I think it’s best to leave things as they are.”

So that’s where things stand. I remain hurt, frustrated and yes, angry. Other mutual friends have told me this isn’t my fault, just to forget about it and that she’s probably in denial or that something might even be mentally “off” with her. I wish I could forget about her, but there is a hole in my heart. This is such a great group so I’m hoping someone can offer me some more words of advice to get past this ugly situation.