Connect
My friend and support person "quit" me
I’ve had a friend for several years who more recently became someone whom I considered one of my best friends. This was especially true because over the last year and a half, we became support persons to one another as both of our husbands exhibited increasing signs of MCI and/or dementia. We met at least twice a month to discuss our worries and concerns. In between, the four of us went out socially ever month or two.
My husband was further along in this journey, so I was able to offer her more information and ideas as to disease characteristics, medications, possible treatments, caregiving options and so on. Time and again, she told me how happy she was to have me as her friend because it was hard for others to understand what she was going through unless they were experiencing it themselves. She frequently thanked me for my ideas and/or advice. She expressed particular interest in the CCRC that we had moved to.
Everything seemed to be fine until almost three months ago when she and her husband returned from a long vacation. I sent her an email asking when she might like to meet up again, and she replied that, “For the time being, I’m choosing not to talk so much about M's MCI, worst-case scenarios or future care decisions unless and until I decide it's necessary.” I replied, saying that was her choice but that I would miss her support of me. I also said that sometimes waiting to decide until it’s necessary wasn’t a good idea and that I still thought it would be wise to get on a waitlist for our CCRC because it is 100% full at this time.
Well, that wasn’t the response she wanted to hear. “I’m not open to continuing debate about care planning, waitlists, or assessments of M’s condition, “ she said. I replied that I wasn’t trying to debate her or force her into anything, but in subsequent emails, she got more irate, accusing me of giving her unwanted opinions and unsolicited advice as well as being “relentless” in trying to get them to move to our CCRC. I was flabbergasted and very hurt because that wasn't true at all, and we closed the conversation by saying each of us felt we weren’t good friends anymore. I did tell her I appreciated the support she had given me while I was going through some difficult times, and hoped that she felt I offered her a little bit of comfort while she faced similar challenges.
She did not respond at all, plus she “unfriended me on Facebook”! Because I do miss her friendship as well as the support she gave me, I decided to contact her again two weeks ago to see if she would be willing to meet in person to attempt a reconciliation. She wrote back with a terse message, “I think it’s best to leave things as they are.”
So that’s where things stand. I remain hurt, frustrated and yes, angry. Other mutual friends have told me this isn’t my fault, just to forget about it and that she’s probably in denial or that something might even be mentally “off” with her. I wish I could forget about her, but there is a hole in my heart. This is such a great group so I’m hoping someone can offer me some more words of advice to get past this ugly situation.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.
Connect
@dbamos1945 This is true. I respected her for her decision not to talk about her husband's MCI. But what about her decision to stop supporting me and even go so far as to drop me as a friend and stop communicating in any way? That was the point of my post. It sounds like this has never happened to you. You're lucky.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@kjc48 Thank you again. I am 79 so I hear you about writing letters. My friend is "only" 72. We both had careers and were used to emailing back and forth frequently both when we were working and now as friends, but I like the idea of writing a short and sweet letter. I may even use your suggested copy!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@ret2tus: When I was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years ago, I had a similar experience with what I thought was my forever best friend. However, She made it clear to me that she didn’t like the fact that I was not physically able to be on her beck and call!
I was hurt and disappointed, but realized I needed to spend my little bit of energy taking care of myself. I still see her from time to time and say hello, but I accept the fact that she had never been my “forever best friend”! Others in my life have been gracious to fill the empty place.
It is a reminder to me to keep my thoughts in REALITY - not the way I wish it were. Others make their own choices and decisions, but I had the good sense to distance myself when I needed to “take care of me”.
We are stronger than we think we are… find joy and happiness in your daily life. Laugh more! Other people come and they go… that’s just life. Choose to be a happy person, smile in the mirror and turn on your “optimism” gene. I have found if I try to make every day better than yesterday I am ready to face life’s challenges. Take care of YOU!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
7 ReactionsHi, @ret2tus I’m Scott and was my wife’s caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer.
One of the most important lessons I learned early on was that you cannot control any other person in your life, just as you can’t control MCI, cancer, of any other disease.
As a caregiver I realized I couldn’t afford to spend any of my limited energies worrying about what other folks chose to do.
We never know what is truly happening in other folks’ lives and so I found comfort in knowing they were doing what they were able to, but not to expect more.
Strength, Courage, & Peace
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
8 Reactions@ret2tus You are welcome to use my suggested copy. I felt your pain in your post - it takes courage to post here and admit things that maybe don't always go the way we want them to. You know, you're 79; I'm 78...it's even harder to lose a good friend at our age. Reach out in a heartfelt letter and then call it a day, and know you did what you needed to do, to try to make things right.
Best,
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 Reactions@kjc48 Thank you for your kindness. I've posted on here before in answer to factual questions, but this was the first time I posted about my feelings. I have to admit that I was disappointed in some of the responders who didn’t acknowledge my hurt but instead defended the person who hurt me. I don't think I'll be posting anything personal again!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@ret2tus I was a bit surprised at one of your responses too, but everyone is in a different walk or stage of life and everything that someone reads can be a grab bag of interpretation. I always try to be kind in any response back, because people are hurting whether seeking factual or "feeling" information. Caregiving isn't easy - and we're all seeking the same thing: compassion, love and support partners who can help us and will listen. I have a few high school friends who continually bypass my hurt. Just recognize it for what it is and keep posting!
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsSo sorry you are going thru this. It does hurt because you are human and passive aggressive ghosting is often meant to hurt as well..but not sure about your situation.
I've found that one finds out who their true friends are during life's trials. Sounds like this friend used you more as an option, not as a priority such as in a genuine "friendship"..and an option she decided to be rid of when it no longer suited her. That is not a genuine friendship. So have peace knowing you did not lose a real friend.
Please forgive her for hurting you because I think this is much more about her internal hurt, struggles, unhappiness, projected on you. I would not reach out to her again, she has made it clear, set clear boundaries that you should not cross.
I experienced a similar situation, with a female friend, who was very unhappy with her life, just ghosted me and that was it, after we had travelled together, and chatted daily, etc..someone close to me told me that she was very jealous of my life, happy demeanor outlook, despite challenges.
I know it hurts...I have learned from therapists, others, to just LET IT GO and be peaceful and grateful ....because when one door is closed, I believe another always opens up...just have faith, hope, keep moving forward, keep getting involved in appropriate safe social groups, and I feel you will be fine dear...just my one cent..
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 Reactions@tinamaria1 Very well shared. I remember when I lost my son to suicide and friends that were close said some hurtful things but I learned--they didn't know what to say and they had their own fears. Being a caregiver is much the same. They may not understand and just hope they never have to be in your shoes.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsJust want to thank the various folks who responded to my initial post about losing a friend during a tough period in my life. I truly appreciate your taking the time to respond . One thing that occurred to me is that my friend might be a "Summer Friend." Some of you may know and relate to this term--taken from a poem--but if you're not familiar with the poem, here it is:
Summer Friends
by Mary Lamb
The swallow is a summer bird;
He in our chimneys, when the weather
Is fine and warm, may then be heard
Chirping his notes for weeks together
Come there but one cold wintry day,
Away will fly our guest the swallow:
And much like him we find the way
Which many a gay young friend will follow
In dreary days of snow and frost
Closer to Man will cling the Sparrow:
Old friends, although in life we're crost,
Their hearts to us will never narrow
Give me the bird - give me the friend -
Will sing in frost - will love in sorrow -
Whate'er mischance to-day may send,
Will greet me with his sight to-morrow.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions