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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Kathy, I just noticed your post and felt led to jump in. I have experienced some significant losses in my adult life. The last one was related to the only part of my life that I really felt good and successful at -- my work. I think it was almost what sent me over the edge after dealing with the suicide of a son in college, the demons of addiction in another son, the double murder of some kind people that my wife and I were very close to (including cleaning the scene), etc. Every one of those events had a huge affect on me, but I have bounced back (not fully) from every one of them. I have worked on it intensely since the last major loss which was about 3 years ago now. While I will always be affected, I feel very much ahead of where I was two years ago. My point in this is to tell you that just Sunday I received an email from a dear friend with a link to a sermon he had heard that morning. The topic of that sermon was "choosing joy". The point was that followers of Christ should approach every day with utmost joy because of who we are and the gift we have received. Theoretically, that is entirely true -- but it is just not the real world. You see, I happen to believe that many of us who were raised in conservative congregations in the south in particular have heard that sermon over and over since our childhood. When this is preached, I know for a fact (first handed) that it heaps loads of guilt upon us because we cannot choose to be happy and joyful. Those people have no idea about those of us who kept our true selves hidden for many, many years because we were ahamed that we were not able to grasp that joy. The message it sends is that if we do not exhibit exceptional joy every day that we are worthless sinners and obviously are not worthy to be followers of Christ. I will even go as far as to say that many people who were raised like me have experienced serious mental/emotional problems as a result of all that guilt -- and has probably led to a lot of suicides. Why can't church leaders be more like Christ himself in that He welcomed people where they were and in whatever state they were in with open arms. Those people who demonize depression from the pulpit are walking on dangerous ground. One cannot "guilt" another into into sudden healing from depression -- rather it drives them deeper into depression. I assume that those who deliver that style of teaching have never experienced the "demons of darkness" (depression), so they simply cannot relate to the concept of being unable to get out of bed, much less walk around with bubbling joy all the time. Yes, God does love you and accepts you as you are, where you are. No, friends do not understand the darkness that we walk in from time to time (evidenced by the well-intended email I received yesterday). Honestly, I have trouble attending formal church now and have since 2004 when my son died. You are absolutely correct that people will turn their back on you and friends will desert you -- not so much (I think) because they don't care, but much more so because they just do not understand. Maybe if depressioin was not such a taboo subject to talk about and we could feel open sharing our experiences with our church family in a comfortable way, it would be better. But, it is not. People just do not understand, therefore they distance themselves. I absolutely hate the words you quoted: "get over it". I have heard that so many times. The "bottom line" is that we heal from the pains of life on our own personal timetable. There is no prescribed time allowance for grief. Do not let anyone steal your freedom to grieve no matter how long it takes. That is between you and our Maker. My goal is to get back to more reliance on Him and to recognize how little control over life that I really have. I pray for wisdom, peace, and ultimately some contentment and even joy for you in your life. -- TB
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2 ReactionsKathy, perhaps those that you feel have turned their backs on you just don't know how to help and feel inadequate. It might be up to you to not only forgive in your heart, but to show them by going back to the church and joining in again. Do not bring up your hurt again, or at least for now. Maybe some of them have had the same problem as you and maybe not. We all try to cope with our grief in different ways. I'm sure you will find other widows in the church who in time will become your friends. Our lives do change. For your own sake, you must try to move forward. Not to forget, but to find peace and contentment again. Blessings, Liz
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2 Reactions@tbaxter33
"it heaps loads of guilt upon us"
You been reading my mail? There are so many things I can relate to with what you wrote. It's "been there done that!" Once you are on this side of that fence it opens the eyes to the grief handed out to others who are just you and me. None of us wanted all that but got it and have to live with it. I really do feel for you.
I'm not going to repeat all you said because it seems you've been reading my mail and in this case, here at Mayo, it's OK with me.
Post some more because I'm still looking for clues on moving forward and I'm determined to not let this thing take years to get over. By that I understand that these things will be forever on our mind and will shape us. I'm also sure, by your writing, that you are aware of who the Potter is and who the clay is. A while ago I was discussing that passage with my now X and was trying to explain that we really can't say to the Potter, "Why have you made me thus?" That would be like that Alexas thing that listens to you and is at your command saying, "I don't like the way you built this house!" (All that doesn't mean there isn't pain with being shaped just so...on to a more better you.) I don't like it, the pain, but others tell me I will in due time appreciate it (Oh really???).
"I believe, help thou my unbelief."
I'd really like to read more of you.
Catch you later on.
Mark
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1 Reaction@hopeful33250
Hopeful, that is very helpful. I didn't know about that one (They are called ACoA groups.). Someone mentioned at a meeting the other day that there are many meetings which are OPEN MEETINGS, where just anyone can go and sit for a bit, come back or find out about Al-anon, https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Some may be hesitant about going to (where all the former drunks go) one of these meetings but if you want a hug they are all around and the people are all grateful to be there. I'm going to miss tonight's meeting because I'm short of money, gas and no one around to give a ride, otherwise I'd go. Maybe I'll call around.
Thanks Teresa!
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1 ReactionThank you, that all makes perfect, but the reason I am not going back is not about me. Its about some one else, who I care very much for and dont want them hurt anymore by me being there. and until they ask me to come back, I dont feel they are ready to see me every Sunday. My heart aches every Sunday to be there. I listen to every sermon on pod cast, just to feel a part of whats going on. My heart is so heavy, knowing that this person cant seem to forgive me. Yes I have asked, but no reply, And to mention that I lashed out in my grief, not wanting to hurt, but was just hurting so much my self. Not an excuse I know, But dont understand why people dont realize that hurting people hurt. I know that doesn't excuse my actions, and I believe that God has forgiven me. But others apparently cant. So I wait and pray that God will heal, and they will eventually want me to come back. in the mean time I wait and pray for healing. So hard as I end up spending much time alone. Which I know is not good for me.
Dont know what else to do. I dont want anyone hurt anymore cause of me.
so better me alone, then to cause more trouble.
Maybe God will just answer my prayers and take me home to be with my husband, and best friend.
Kathy
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3 ReactionsThank you, I too have heard many sermons on Joy, and at this point not experienced it after the death of my husband, But as I read in my devotions joy is not an emotion, its a gift. And a gift from God. I believe that God will let me receive joy again, just not right now. I will wait, and pray that my friends will understand.
I trust you will continue to heal too, I only wish that I had my church friends could be my listening, understanding friends. they dont have to relate cause they cant. but just be there for me, cause I miss them, and our friendship.
Just want to be needed again, to have purpose in life, other then work, life has no meaning for me anymore.
Kathy
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3 ReactionsMark, thank you for your kind reply. I am truly sorry for your pain. I promise you that I have not been reading your posts. For some reason, I read one that showed up in my email box today and felt led to post what I did. It is a cruel world out there with so much misunderstanding of each others' pain. By the way, I firmly disbelieve the notion that "you will in due time appreciate it". No, I do not buy that for one moment. It is like so many good intending people have said to me over the years particularly about the loss of my son: "Well, it's God's will". No, there is evil in this world along with dark depression. I just do not believe that it was "God's will" that my son would go into the men's bathroom in his dorm on May 3, 2004 and end his life. I will never understand why things happened the way they did when we prayed fervently for our boys' protection and turned them over to His care. I have spent too many years fighting the bitterness inside me, so I have resolved to try ... try ... to rekindle a relationship with Him and move forward through and past the bitterness, sadness, and (yes) anger.
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1 ReactionKathy, please hang in there. There is evil and much cruelty in this world. I have found the Church to not be immune to it. In fact, my experience says that potentially a higher level of bitterness can be observed in our "brothers and sisters" at times. Have you considered going to the person with an independent observer to personally look them in the eye, apologize, and try to help them understand the darkness that you were living in at the time? You may have done that, and it sounds like it probably would not work anyway. I just think that any desired relationship must be continually cultivated. It may be one-sided for a time, but it may also help in the reconciliation process to keep after it. Of course, if the person is unwilling or unruly, that is not a workable solution. Understand that I have no qualifications other than life experiences to make any suggestions, so be sure to take them as such. I am deeply troubled by one thing you said -- only because I have said it so many times over the years. We surely do have the hope of seeing our loved ones on the other side, but you know that God loves you deeply as his own child. I believe it is very likely that He has a purpose for you yet in your life on this earth. You have been through some horrible experiences, but just think what a testimony it would be to His kingdom if someday, when you are ready, you connect with the right group -- or the right congregation -- and you are able to show Christ living in you by sharing your experiences with others and let them see that life's hurts are real, and also see that you are a survivor. Let life play out and see what the next acts hold for you. Please, do not rush to pass from this world, but recognize how valuable you are as a person, and how you really can someday begin to be transparent about your life's issues as you strive to encourage and help others. All the best, TB
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1 ReactionThanks, I know that my time is my choice, but God's timing. that's why I still here. I just wish I knew what His purpose is for me. Not so good at the patience thing.
All my attempts at talking with the person has been ignored, Dont know what else to do. Just to keep praying that they can heal, and eventually want to reconcile.
Kathy
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1 Reaction@kathy4385
Is your church large enough that you could just slip in and out without connecting with others until you and they are ready? Are there small groups, or even a Celebrate Recovery group, or a service other than Sunday morning? I know how important it is to be able to sit with others in worship. A podcast just isn't the same thing, though it does fill a need. I hope that you'll soon be able to get back to your friends at church, with or without reconciliation.
jim
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