Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@shortshot
Nancy,
I'm so sorry to hear that both of your brothers are ill. This has been a tough year for your family. It sounds like you and your brothers are close. I will be praying for you all. Keep in touch.

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@hopeful33250

Hello @reibur1951
So good to hear from you. It does sound like you are making progress, albeit slow. I'm glad to hear that other properties are becoming available that might work for you. That is good news! How is your friend's son doing with his cancer treatment?

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Just Brief update – The agreement was signed on the 26th for the sale of the 40A; the earnest money is in savings account not touching it as if it fails to go through may have to return it… all three houses are still up on the market but the one is up for being subdivided and creating a new subdivision :-(; seen an account and the tax men will get at least 17% so will have to put that back; looked under the van and it will not last much longer 🙁 the welded axle has cracked through again or a new cracked has appeared I am trying not to be bitter over this but have very hard feeling for the person taking advantage of an 84 year old man who was sick and me – needless to say we have not seen hide nor hair of him since last June just as well as i just might find a wire clothes line and string him up by his… So priorities may have to change to safer vehicle first and may have to "rough it out" this winter here in "box heaven" but have not given up complete hope of having a better place yet for this winter. Been scrubbing down what little furniture have mainly storage pieces gun cabinet, dressers etc. considered collectibles or even antiques using re-finisher and goign a-la-natural wood with tung oil.
Colder weather has hit and have bought wood (and I now own 30+A of woods but have to "ask" for it to be cut I feel dau. & son-in-law have lived over there for free without helping with taxes should be able to do with out me asking/begging. The son always cut out wood for us last winter had to buy and dau. did not like person i was getting from found her own source and I think we did not get quantity & quality for the same price her dad said some had cersote or something on it I know I could smell also like had been treated or maybe sprayed with weed bug killer so was not happy – between price of wood and electric Getting use to lower temp's trying not to burn furnace unless necessary but it is a mobile home a "tin box" (aluminum) seems to get cold and stay that way and with all the air leaks… but I will survive as having a safer vehicle comes first – as i do no know what will happen when/if axle gives way and I am not in for killing myself or anyone else and i will have one that is new certified warranty and some service maintenance on it as well as safety features such as onstar – thinking dual purpose a truck since one have is only fair and i can do my own hauling/moving etc with it and some help.

Everything hinges on the title search and closing feeling scared at times even tho its only been 3 weeks on Tuesday just feeling impatient over it all.

Friends son due for another dr/immunology on Tuesday. The Last Ct-scan report seems to brings some new issues up the tumor in upper right ling has shrank – but there is emphysema in the area ; a new 5mm right upper lobe subpleural nodule and some small ill-defined left upper nodules nor seen before; the supraclavicalar lymph node appeared similar but earlier to day it seemed to be enlarged to me so there maybe changes there – thoracic spine degenerative changes were noted no vertebral compression fracture…his regular dr. was out so will see what he has to say on the previous scans another scan due Nov. 1st followed on the 5th for dr/immunology

Been a little down this weekend as birthday was Saturday there was no celebration etc. At times my mind over thought and i started to tear up But I am alive and surviving and I know God will provide in his own way and time.

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@reibur1951

Just Brief update – The agreement was signed on the 26th for the sale of the 40A; the earnest money is in savings account not touching it as if it fails to go through may have to return it… all three houses are still up on the market but the one is up for being subdivided and creating a new subdivision :-(; seen an account and the tax men will get at least 17% so will have to put that back; looked under the van and it will not last much longer 🙁 the welded axle has cracked through again or a new cracked has appeared I am trying not to be bitter over this but have very hard feeling for the person taking advantage of an 84 year old man who was sick and me – needless to say we have not seen hide nor hair of him since last June just as well as i just might find a wire clothes line and string him up by his… So priorities may have to change to safer vehicle first and may have to "rough it out" this winter here in "box heaven" but have not given up complete hope of having a better place yet for this winter. Been scrubbing down what little furniture have mainly storage pieces gun cabinet, dressers etc. considered collectibles or even antiques using re-finisher and goign a-la-natural wood with tung oil.
Colder weather has hit and have bought wood (and I now own 30+A of woods but have to "ask" for it to be cut I feel dau. & son-in-law have lived over there for free without helping with taxes should be able to do with out me asking/begging. The son always cut out wood for us last winter had to buy and dau. did not like person i was getting from found her own source and I think we did not get quantity & quality for the same price her dad said some had cersote or something on it I know I could smell also like had been treated or maybe sprayed with weed bug killer so was not happy – between price of wood and electric Getting use to lower temp's trying not to burn furnace unless necessary but it is a mobile home a "tin box" (aluminum) seems to get cold and stay that way and with all the air leaks… but I will survive as having a safer vehicle comes first – as i do no know what will happen when/if axle gives way and I am not in for killing myself or anyone else and i will have one that is new certified warranty and some service maintenance on it as well as safety features such as onstar – thinking dual purpose a truck since one have is only fair and i can do my own hauling/moving etc with it and some help.

Everything hinges on the title search and closing feeling scared at times even tho its only been 3 weeks on Tuesday just feeling impatient over it all.

Friends son due for another dr/immunology on Tuesday. The Last Ct-scan report seems to brings some new issues up the tumor in upper right ling has shrank – but there is emphysema in the area ; a new 5mm right upper lobe subpleural nodule and some small ill-defined left upper nodules nor seen before; the supraclavicalar lymph node appeared similar but earlier to day it seemed to be enlarged to me so there maybe changes there – thoracic spine degenerative changes were noted no vertebral compression fracture…his regular dr. was out so will see what he has to say on the previous scans another scan due Nov. 1st followed on the 5th for dr/immunology

Been a little down this weekend as birthday was Saturday there was no celebration etc. At times my mind over thought and i started to tear up But I am alive and surviving and I know God will provide in his own way and time.

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@reibur1951, thank you for keeping in touch!

First let me wish you a happy birthday 🎈 with a balloon. I hope that this next year is a good one for you.

I am sorry to hear that your vehicle is wearing out, that is a financial dilemma when you already have others isn't it?

I hope that your property issues all go as you hope they do and that you are able to sell the land and find something that will suit your needs. I also hope that your friend's son has an improved outlook with his upcoming appointment.

Will you let me know how his appointments go?

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It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost my beloved husband and grief is hard work. I am a strong believer in talking with others about your feelings and situation. Some people are hidden gems and others are surprisingly unsympathetic

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@ev2nana

It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost my beloved husband and grief is hard work. I am a strong believer in talking with others about your feelings and situation. Some people are hidden gems and others are surprisingly unsympathetic

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Hello @ev2nana

I'm so glad that you posted about the loss of your husband. You are correct when you say that talking with others about your feelings is a good thing.

On that note, would you care to share something about your husband? Tell us a little about what kind of person he was so that we can get to know him better.

Also, share with us, if you will, what you have been doing for yourself to deal with the feelings of loss.

We all deal with loss differently (even in the same family). How is the rest of your family doing? Do you have some friends that you can share with?

Liked by Parus

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@hopeful33250

Hello @ev2nana

I'm so glad that you posted about the loss of your husband. You are correct when you say that talking with others about your feelings is a good thing.

On that note, would you care to share something about your husband? Tell us a little about what kind of person he was so that we can get to know him better.

Also, share with us, if you will, what you have been doing for yourself to deal with the feelings of loss.

We all deal with loss differently (even in the same family). How is the rest of your family doing? Do you have some friends that you can share with?

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I have been part of a grief support group that have become very close. We see each other regularly and look out for one another. I was blessed to be married to a caring, outgoing and inquisitive man. He wrote me poems all the time and they are a beautiful reminder of a unique man.

I am in a decent position now and try to help others who are in my situation.

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That is wonderful, @ev2nana, I'm so pleased to hear that your marriage was a good one! You are most fortunate. I am also pleased to know that you are meeting with a group of others like yourself and that you are able to find support and encouragement along the way. It is also great that you are in a position to help others.

I would encourage you to respond to some of the posts listed here on Connect, as you are comfortable doing so. We really need people to encourage and help those who post. Will you do that?

Liked by Parus

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@hopeful33250

@reibur1951, thank you for keeping in touch!

First let me wish you a happy birthday 🎈 with a balloon. I hope that this next year is a good one for you.

I am sorry to hear that your vehicle is wearing out, that is a financial dilemma when you already have others isn't it?

I hope that your property issues all go as you hope they do and that you are able to sell the land and find something that will suit your needs. I also hope that your friend's son has an improved outlook with his upcoming appointment.

Will you let me know how his appointments go?

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Yes will – we get a phone report of the CT Scan before we go done on 5th but i always get the printed report as it says more I need to find a place to lay all out from day one I think there are 5-8 reports all together.
As for the vehicle it was wore out when we got it in May 2017 the so-called fried of the family lied to my friend oh he told of the minor problems it had but neglected the major ones a bad alternator & battery- was stuck out twice in less than 2 weeks after i titled/insured it etc. the on-in-law found the rusted cracked axle sometime late summer/fall last year and welded it shut etc. but with the harsh winter last year and the weekly trips to Plymouth every Tuesday roughly 60 miles round trip and then the trips to Indy from October on which are 200 round trip it just took its toll with the road salt (spray) it even eats the roads up where its been sprayed Its been a thorn in my side since we got it The axle was a noted problem for the Windstar XL and there was at one time a recall for it priced a new one through eBay and was right at $700 without taxes and shipping and then labor on top of that Took it to Ford dealer in Dec. and they came up with over $2000 in maintenance & repairs but friends would not have done – but that did not include the front windshield wipers which I replaced they did list the back ones – did not included the front brakes, rotor & hub we had to replace in if Jan-Mar. nor the gas cap because the idoit light for it kept coming on & for a while the tire idiot light kept coming on but it stopped sometime after June and the gauges have started to "dance" Sad thing is it runs like a scared rabbit and gets good gas mileage

The saying is life "is a bowl of cherries" Things will workout somehow – have no doubts the property is sold if all the legal shut is in order the guy buying it has cash rented (farmed it) for 35 year and his dad before that. he offered to buy it in June while friend was in hospital in Indy but the Adverse possession had not came through that came on Aug. 9th (I was not sure when it would be final i had figured as late as Nov so ahead of game there) legal stuff just takes time.

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@reibur1951

Yes will – we get a phone report of the CT Scan before we go done on 5th but i always get the printed report as it says more I need to find a place to lay all out from day one I think there are 5-8 reports all together.
As for the vehicle it was wore out when we got it in May 2017 the so-called fried of the family lied to my friend oh he told of the minor problems it had but neglected the major ones a bad alternator & battery- was stuck out twice in less than 2 weeks after i titled/insured it etc. the on-in-law found the rusted cracked axle sometime late summer/fall last year and welded it shut etc. but with the harsh winter last year and the weekly trips to Plymouth every Tuesday roughly 60 miles round trip and then the trips to Indy from October on which are 200 round trip it just took its toll with the road salt (spray) it even eats the roads up where its been sprayed Its been a thorn in my side since we got it The axle was a noted problem for the Windstar XL and there was at one time a recall for it priced a new one through eBay and was right at $700 without taxes and shipping and then labor on top of that Took it to Ford dealer in Dec. and they came up with over $2000 in maintenance & repairs but friends would not have done – but that did not include the front windshield wipers which I replaced they did list the back ones – did not included the front brakes, rotor & hub we had to replace in if Jan-Mar. nor the gas cap because the idoit light for it kept coming on & for a while the tire idiot light kept coming on but it stopped sometime after June and the gauges have started to "dance" Sad thing is it runs like a scared rabbit and gets good gas mileage

The saying is life "is a bowl of cherries" Things will workout somehow – have no doubts the property is sold if all the legal shut is in order the guy buying it has cash rented (farmed it) for 35 year and his dad before that. he offered to buy it in June while friend was in hospital in Indy but the Adverse possession had not came through that came on Aug. 9th (I was not sure when it would be final i had figured as late as Nov so ahead of game there) legal stuff just takes time.

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@reibur1951 How unfortunate about the vehicle problems. I hope you have success with the property situation.

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So true how the grief process affects each person differently. I have started seeing a new therapist and from some of the things I have told her it seems grief plays a large role in the difficulties I have. Never thought about it affecting me as it has in my life. The recent anniversary of my father’s suicide brought forth some feelings that have been uncomfortable and that way down deep gut wrenching stuff that had been buried for so long and never felt. I had numbed out so much. Not only is it still traumatic it is also complicated by so many things.
Yes, we all experience grief eventually. Hoping for some healing along this journey.

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@parus

So true how the grief process affects each person differently. I have started seeing a new therapist and from some of the things I have told her it seems grief plays a large role in the difficulties I have. Never thought about it affecting me as it has in my life. The recent anniversary of my father’s suicide brought forth some feelings that have been uncomfortable and that way down deep gut wrenching stuff that had been buried for so long and never felt. I had numbed out so much. Not only is it still traumatic it is also complicated by so many things.
Yes, we all experience grief eventually. Hoping for some healing along this journey.

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That is great, @parus. I appreciate your sharing that.
Unresolved grief does have a way of making the waters murky, doesn't it?

Liked by Parus

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My son in law died a few days ago, suddenly, at 42. He was the single parent of my 17 year old granddaughter. He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe. He and I didn't always agree but we could agree to disagree. I don't have direct contact with my granddaughter-she's gone into hiding. I've been told by a 3rd party that she's safe but in shock. Guess I'm just feeling sad and sorry 4 myself.

Liked by Parus

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@stlouisgmajenn

My son in law died a few days ago, suddenly, at 42. He was the single parent of my 17 year old granddaughter. He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe. He and I didn't always agree but we could agree to disagree. I don't have direct contact with my granddaughter-she's gone into hiding. I've been told by a 3rd party that she's safe but in shock. Guess I'm just feeling sad and sorry 4 myself.

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Oh, I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your son in law, @stlouisgmajenn. Please accept my sympathies. It sounds as if losing him has also resulted in losing contact with your granddaughter, which certainly represents another loss. At times like these, it is OK to feel sorry for yourself. Losses of significant others in your life are major.

It is also understandable that your granddaughter might need some time to be alone and process her grief. I would encourage you to stand by and be ready to provide her comfort and sympathy when she comes out of her isolation and reaches out to you. She will need support. As age 17, is a difficult time to lose a parent who as you said, "He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe."

If you are able to share more now, please tell me a little about your son in law. As you share your memories and grief with me (and the others in this group) you will find strength and comfort to face each day.

Will you post again about your son in law?

Liked by Parus

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@shortshot80

Hi Teresa, (shortshot Nancy) My brother B is one and one half years younger than me. Last Friday he and his wife were in a small town on the coast, had spent couple days there, well on Friday he loaded the car and told his wife we need to leave and you need to drive, Get me to the local hospital. The doc's there wanted to life flight him to a different hospital, he told them no and to send him to Portland and his regular doc. Arrived in Portland , his doc met him and told him that there wasn't anything they can co expect start hospice. B called another brother G and told hi what was going on and not to tell me. He told him that I had enough problems. Anyway I called him to tell him about me, then I found out about him. He said "well dear neither of us is doing to well. Well G came to visit me yesterday and I found out he has bladder problems with blood in it. We prayed for each other and also for brother B. This year has not been to much fun.
More Later Nancy

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Hello Nancy, @shortshot

I've been thinking about you and I hope you are coping with your health difficulties as well as your many family losses.

Will your write a post as you are able?

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@hopeful33250

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your son in law, @stlouisgmajenn. Please accept my sympathies. It sounds as if losing him has also resulted in losing contact with your granddaughter, which certainly represents another loss. At times like these, it is OK to feel sorry for yourself. Losses of significant others in your life are major.

It is also understandable that your granddaughter might need some time to be alone and process her grief. I would encourage you to stand by and be ready to provide her comfort and sympathy when she comes out of her isolation and reaches out to you. She will need support. As age 17, is a difficult time to lose a parent who as you said, "He's the only one consistently in her life. Kept her safe."

If you are able to share more now, please tell me a little about your son in law. As you share your memories and grief with me (and the others in this group) you will find strength and comfort to face each day.

Will you post again about your son in law?

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My son in law, Sean, was large in many ways. 6 foot 5 inches, built like a football player. Super protective of his daughter, my granddaughter. I'm tiny, 5 foot 2 inches. But we would go toe to toe on some issues.People would wonder that I took him on. But he's a gentle giant. My daughter, my granddaughters mother has a habit of making babies then abandoning them. Sean took care of her from day 1. The only constant in her life.

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