Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@stlouisgmajenn

My son in law, Sean, was large in many ways. 6 foot 5 inches, built like a football player. Super protective of his daughter, my granddaughter. I'm tiny, 5 foot 2 inches. But we would go toe to toe on some issues.People would wonder that I took him on. But he's a gentle giant. My daughter, my granddaughters mother has a habit of making babies then abandoning them. Sean took care of her from day 1. The only constant in her life.

Jump to this post

What a lovely description of your late son in law, @stlouisgmajenn. I just love the phrase "a gentle giant." From what you have said that sounds like a good descriptor.

Continue to post as you are able, about Sean as well as your granddaughter. Believe it or not, the sharing you do will be beneficial to you as you look forward to reconnecting with your granddaughter in the future.

REPLY
@reibur1951

The was not me it was a 5-6 year old who was in kindergarten at the time who was trying to explain me and what I did to his teacher and class 🙂 and it has stuck all these years and it has stuck with me all these years and puts a smile on my face a reminder of … Art Linkletters show and his segment "Kids say the Darndest things" it was good that she knew me and that I did genealogy…

Jump to this post

Has it been this long… Update…

Went for the CT-Scan on the 1st – it was a miserable day of driving rained all the way to Indy and back was within 30-40 miles when it was down to only a barely visible drizzle…

The 5th was the drs/immunology and he is doing excellent with it there is no adverse effects side effects etc. with it – . with his actual dr. and not a replacement as last time (but all are within the clinical study he is on) The axillary and supraclavicular lymph nodes and tumor has remained stable the term used was "grossly stable" and no new lymphadenopathy tho some ground-glass nodules have appeared and some more this time they are carefully watching these there was mild emphysematous changes the next Ct-scan sometime in Dec. – but we has a heavy smoke up till April 2007

The trip down uneventful but but was late in infusion lab tho there before 12:30/1 p.m. The medication did not come till 3 got out at of building on road at 4 and stopped for some sandwiches it was getting dark and darker as we came north – very heavy traffic in Indy and went down to heavy moderate traffic which did not cease until hit Logansport 30 miles from home – its a 200 miles round trip each time…

One day week of Oct. 22 I was woke up around 9 a.m. by friends step-sister 1st time she has called in 6+ weeks. Started out by asking about her half-brother and then demanded to know the prognosis and what amount of time they had given him… I said many factors would determine that – so far the chemo/immunology is doing their job, it has not grown, its shrunk some, he has had no adverse effects to chemo/immunology and there is no new growths… I thought WTF…

Then she started in on her dad about what was going down – I told here the new grave-sites were re-purchased elsewhere & footing paid for (long story) the grave-sites were not paid for – only in his name and trustee claimed even if finished paid for we could not put a monument there for cremains – then got her to agree we could put it on top of his parents monument – but she had the right to move it without permission if she deemed it detrimental to the cemetery & care of and also had to sign off on the partially paid for graves with no re-payment of what was paid on them & had to sign off on the 2 empty graves where his parents were buried (again no re-reimbursement) so they could re-sell them for a profit and would have the monument hopefully paid for in a few weeks… then she started in on how I was going to pay for it… This was added expense and took away from the cremation house money.

Then she started in on the properties that I was awarded adverse possession on and she knew was filed and none of the kids fought – of course their dad told them if they did not like the way he done they could kiss his ass and if not high enough… All I said that it was up to me and my friend with lung cancer her half-brother and she informed me it was not and kept arguing over the graves and property and I just hung up on her… The daughter who is get the 5A for her house called and said she talked to her-half sister and was informed by half-sister "the properties were still in the grandmothers name, she proceeded to ask if I would stay and take care of her half-brother since "he did not have anything to offer me"… then she informed she was upset because she is not get the entire 69.9A she was only promised over the years 5A for her house and no more… Again i thought WTF… and yes I attempted not to cry but did all day off and on and even pulled out the whiskey and coke before I went to bed…

The adverse possession in my name was done to take care of her dad as he did not want to go into a nursing home and neither does her half-brother; plus he wanted me taken care of since do there would be no meddling from them and me having to "beg" for money for care of their father. All work and have left everything up to me – his care – taking to drs. etc. etc. same with the brother… Oh well their father was not as dumb as they thought he was… he knew he wanted son and I taken care of not left out int the cold Will at least have the cash rent for the farm ground but if like in past due in March/November. November was given when father died so could have for cremation etc…. So that done that in…

I have been here for 24+ years and taken care of her mother (who is in nursing home since Dec. 3rd, 2004), helped take care of her grandmother, done for her and her kids etc. The brother lived with and took care of his grandmother and helped pay off the mortgage that she took out on the bare farm ground her place & the 40A it was a 15 year mortgage and there was 12 years left still owed after she died. Both the sisters work so you know where what he out come would of be nursing home… The never offered to help money wise in any way with the mortgage or property taxes…

Cost over $2000 to get this done and their father did have me call the lawyer and went with me and it was not done behind his back i was done with his blessing… I have one option of turning everything over back to his name and over to the state and everything will be lost…

The 1st property interested in was sold (it was the brick); the 2nd in line the wind power has been sold also drove down by since could not see a real estate sign from main road – it sits barely off on a country road I wish i had the furniture they were throwing into the dumpster out of it,,, in the real estate ads it looked in excellent condition and thing wrong with it… the one remains ..

The buyer called the 29th or 30th said the title insurance company would not issue a policy because the way i acquired until a year more is up… said something afraid of lawsuits….. So I am still sitting on the earnest money not sure if it has to be returned or not… at least it did draw $2,82 cents worth of interest 🙂

Have to come up with rest of property taxes; and got bill the 2nd for filing the order of default judgement 3 months later and I had asked in August if I owed anymore money or would owe more money… So I am awaiting the buyers call to go talk to the lawyer so he can explain more I mentioned if land contract can be done till year is up so the buyer does not loose the money of the appraisal fees ($500) and I know there are lawyer fees and i am not sure what else he has assumed in expenses…

And yes I attempted not to cry all day but put my efforts into trying to figure how to re-stack and store all the boxes packed no i am not emptying out for now can live without the stuff I have boxed up….

So now I am re-grouping, re-organizing and trying to figure out how to salvage this 1975 mobile home to make it more live-able for the time being…. Hoping the van will last if not will be walking basically have an old 4-wheel drive truck but barely trust it around here it needs a lot of work and is un-comfortable to drive and maneuver.

The daughter & her husband who is to get the 5A have not been told as yet that they can not get it for at least another year so I still have that yet to face… They are only around when they want something 🙁 Make promise and I have to ask, beg, plead to have anything done by him, the daughter well forget it; she did bring us a turkey couple of weeks ago because she had to clean her freezer out for new food as her hours of work was being cut and she wanted to start laying in a winters supply….

I can't even lay in a supply as transportation to I.U. & bills come first then food. I am selling some stuff on eBay glassware trinkets but it nothing of great value just can not give away to a local thrift store… to late for garage sales and they have never been productive for me…

I will survive… I won't give up… God will provide… and Krama will strike the others… And yes I am remaining around to care for the son no matter what and hanging till the bitter end unless my health gives up or i die…. They would only get control slap him into a half-way house or nursing home and make off with everything… Their work their lives are more important… they have proven that with their dad let alone their brother….

REPLY
@reibur1951

Has it been this long… Update…

Went for the CT-Scan on the 1st – it was a miserable day of driving rained all the way to Indy and back was within 30-40 miles when it was down to only a barely visible drizzle…

The 5th was the drs/immunology and he is doing excellent with it there is no adverse effects side effects etc. with it – . with his actual dr. and not a replacement as last time (but all are within the clinical study he is on) The axillary and supraclavicular lymph nodes and tumor has remained stable the term used was "grossly stable" and no new lymphadenopathy tho some ground-glass nodules have appeared and some more this time they are carefully watching these there was mild emphysematous changes the next Ct-scan sometime in Dec. – but we has a heavy smoke up till April 2007

The trip down uneventful but but was late in infusion lab tho there before 12:30/1 p.m. The medication did not come till 3 got out at of building on road at 4 and stopped for some sandwiches it was getting dark and darker as we came north – very heavy traffic in Indy and went down to heavy moderate traffic which did not cease until hit Logansport 30 miles from home – its a 200 miles round trip each time…

One day week of Oct. 22 I was woke up around 9 a.m. by friends step-sister 1st time she has called in 6+ weeks. Started out by asking about her half-brother and then demanded to know the prognosis and what amount of time they had given him… I said many factors would determine that – so far the chemo/immunology is doing their job, it has not grown, its shrunk some, he has had no adverse effects to chemo/immunology and there is no new growths… I thought WTF…

Then she started in on her dad about what was going down – I told here the new grave-sites were re-purchased elsewhere & footing paid for (long story) the grave-sites were not paid for – only in his name and trustee claimed even if finished paid for we could not put a monument there for cremains – then got her to agree we could put it on top of his parents monument – but she had the right to move it without permission if she deemed it detrimental to the cemetery & care of and also had to sign off on the partially paid for graves with no re-payment of what was paid on them & had to sign off on the 2 empty graves where his parents were buried (again no re-reimbursement) so they could re-sell them for a profit and would have the monument hopefully paid for in a few weeks… then she started in on how I was going to pay for it… This was added expense and took away from the cremation house money.

Then she started in on the properties that I was awarded adverse possession on and she knew was filed and none of the kids fought – of course their dad told them if they did not like the way he done they could kiss his ass and if not high enough… All I said that it was up to me and my friend with lung cancer her half-brother and she informed me it was not and kept arguing over the graves and property and I just hung up on her… The daughter who is get the 5A for her house called and said she talked to her-half sister and was informed by half-sister "the properties were still in the grandmothers name, she proceeded to ask if I would stay and take care of her half-brother since "he did not have anything to offer me"… then she informed she was upset because she is not get the entire 69.9A she was only promised over the years 5A for her house and no more… Again i thought WTF… and yes I attempted not to cry but did all day off and on and even pulled out the whiskey and coke before I went to bed…

The adverse possession in my name was done to take care of her dad as he did not want to go into a nursing home and neither does her half-brother; plus he wanted me taken care of since do there would be no meddling from them and me having to "beg" for money for care of their father. All work and have left everything up to me – his care – taking to drs. etc. etc. same with the brother… Oh well their father was not as dumb as they thought he was… he knew he wanted son and I taken care of not left out int the cold Will at least have the cash rent for the farm ground but if like in past due in March/November. November was given when father died so could have for cremation etc…. So that done that in…

I have been here for 24+ years and taken care of her mother (who is in nursing home since Dec. 3rd, 2004), helped take care of her grandmother, done for her and her kids etc. The brother lived with and took care of his grandmother and helped pay off the mortgage that she took out on the bare farm ground her place & the 40A it was a 15 year mortgage and there was 12 years left still owed after she died. Both the sisters work so you know where what he out come would of be nursing home… The never offered to help money wise in any way with the mortgage or property taxes…

Cost over $2000 to get this done and their father did have me call the lawyer and went with me and it was not done behind his back i was done with his blessing… I have one option of turning everything over back to his name and over to the state and everything will be lost…

The 1st property interested in was sold (it was the brick); the 2nd in line the wind power has been sold also drove down by since could not see a real estate sign from main road – it sits barely off on a country road I wish i had the furniture they were throwing into the dumpster out of it,,, in the real estate ads it looked in excellent condition and thing wrong with it… the one remains ..

The buyer called the 29th or 30th said the title insurance company would not issue a policy because the way i acquired until a year more is up… said something afraid of lawsuits….. So I am still sitting on the earnest money not sure if it has to be returned or not… at least it did draw $2,82 cents worth of interest 🙂

Have to come up with rest of property taxes; and got bill the 2nd for filing the order of default judgement 3 months later and I had asked in August if I owed anymore money or would owe more money… So I am awaiting the buyers call to go talk to the lawyer so he can explain more I mentioned if land contract can be done till year is up so the buyer does not loose the money of the appraisal fees ($500) and I know there are lawyer fees and i am not sure what else he has assumed in expenses…

And yes I attempted not to cry all day but put my efforts into trying to figure how to re-stack and store all the boxes packed no i am not emptying out for now can live without the stuff I have boxed up….

So now I am re-grouping, re-organizing and trying to figure out how to salvage this 1975 mobile home to make it more live-able for the time being…. Hoping the van will last if not will be walking basically have an old 4-wheel drive truck but barely trust it around here it needs a lot of work and is un-comfortable to drive and maneuver.

The daughter & her husband who is to get the 5A have not been told as yet that they can not get it for at least another year so I still have that yet to face… They are only around when they want something 🙁 Make promise and I have to ask, beg, plead to have anything done by him, the daughter well forget it; she did bring us a turkey couple of weeks ago because she had to clean her freezer out for new food as her hours of work was being cut and she wanted to start laying in a winters supply….

I can't even lay in a supply as transportation to I.U. & bills come first then food. I am selling some stuff on eBay glassware trinkets but it nothing of great value just can not give away to a local thrift store… to late for garage sales and they have never been productive for me…

I will survive… I won't give up… God will provide… and Krama will strike the others… And yes I am remaining around to care for the son no matter what and hanging till the bitter end unless my health gives up or i die…. They would only get control slap him into a half-way house or nursing home and make off with everything… Their work their lives are more important… they have proven that with their dad let alone their brother….

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Oh my, and I was feeling sorry 4 myself. Shame on me. I applaud you, dude, for your fortitude, your ability to "Keep on keeping on". Your energy level is amazing.

REPLY
@stlouisgmajenn

Oh my, and I was feeling sorry 4 myself. Shame on me. I applaud you, dude, for your fortitude, your ability to "Keep on keeping on". Your energy level is amazing.

Jump to this post

Thank you sometimes I wonder… I have trying to not be bitter, angry towards th sisters but it dam down right hard not to be… I keep reminding my self things will work out, God will provide, and in the end for the sisters pay backs are hell and it won't be me doing it…. an appointment with the lawyer to see if the money for the "earnest money" for the sale of the 40A has to be returned its been in savings and sitting on it… will just have to find a way to come up with the crematory house/monument money for friends father it also has spaces for the mother (who is in nursing home), him and his brother who lives in a half-way house 40 miles south of here… then my promises will be kept expect sticking it out with the son/friend with lung cancer…

REPLY

You are carrying out your promises with a remarkable attitude, @reibur1951. I am glad to hear that your friend's son is remaining stable with his cancer treatment.

You are a good friend of this family. They probably cannot appreciate it at the time but you have been faithful in carrying out your responsibilities. Good work!

REPLY

Met with buyer and his lawyer… get to keep the earnest money… have extended the contract/agreement out to next Sept. he even asked about more down payment think really to lawyer but I said no that would do with the 10% and the cash rent … Will get by

The properties are finally in my name things could still go sour but at least have a year maybe lawsuits from a couple of his kids but the ace up my sleeve is the mother/step-mother is still i alive and in nursing home since Dec. 3 2014 so I will make dam well sure the state gets it all…

Paul and I can walk away without nothing, the one sister will loose her house which has no ground to it or have to move it

Paul is one who stayed cared for grandmother till she died, help pay the mortgages off she put onto the properties the others never offered to help or pay the property taxes…. So I am the wicked evil person

I doubt that they will ever appreciate what I have done but I am the better person for it I think or hope

WIll just have to take it one day at a time and hope for the best the coming year that they let go and leave well enough alone …. their brother has to be cared for and he does not want in nursing hom and that will be the first place he lands if they get hold of anything….

REPLY
@reibur1951

Has it been this long… Update…

Went for the CT-Scan on the 1st – it was a miserable day of driving rained all the way to Indy and back was within 30-40 miles when it was down to only a barely visible drizzle…

The 5th was the drs/immunology and he is doing excellent with it there is no adverse effects side effects etc. with it – . with his actual dr. and not a replacement as last time (but all are within the clinical study he is on) The axillary and supraclavicular lymph nodes and tumor has remained stable the term used was "grossly stable" and no new lymphadenopathy tho some ground-glass nodules have appeared and some more this time they are carefully watching these there was mild emphysematous changes the next Ct-scan sometime in Dec. – but we has a heavy smoke up till April 2007

The trip down uneventful but but was late in infusion lab tho there before 12:30/1 p.m. The medication did not come till 3 got out at of building on road at 4 and stopped for some sandwiches it was getting dark and darker as we came north – very heavy traffic in Indy and went down to heavy moderate traffic which did not cease until hit Logansport 30 miles from home – its a 200 miles round trip each time…

One day week of Oct. 22 I was woke up around 9 a.m. by friends step-sister 1st time she has called in 6+ weeks. Started out by asking about her half-brother and then demanded to know the prognosis and what amount of time they had given him… I said many factors would determine that – so far the chemo/immunology is doing their job, it has not grown, its shrunk some, he has had no adverse effects to chemo/immunology and there is no new growths… I thought WTF…

Then she started in on her dad about what was going down – I told here the new grave-sites were re-purchased elsewhere & footing paid for (long story) the grave-sites were not paid for – only in his name and trustee claimed even if finished paid for we could not put a monument there for cremains – then got her to agree we could put it on top of his parents monument – but she had the right to move it without permission if she deemed it detrimental to the cemetery & care of and also had to sign off on the partially paid for graves with no re-payment of what was paid on them & had to sign off on the 2 empty graves where his parents were buried (again no re-reimbursement) so they could re-sell them for a profit and would have the monument hopefully paid for in a few weeks… then she started in on how I was going to pay for it… This was added expense and took away from the cremation house money.

Then she started in on the properties that I was awarded adverse possession on and she knew was filed and none of the kids fought – of course their dad told them if they did not like the way he done they could kiss his ass and if not high enough… All I said that it was up to me and my friend with lung cancer her half-brother and she informed me it was not and kept arguing over the graves and property and I just hung up on her… The daughter who is get the 5A for her house called and said she talked to her-half sister and was informed by half-sister "the properties were still in the grandmothers name, she proceeded to ask if I would stay and take care of her half-brother since "he did not have anything to offer me"… then she informed she was upset because she is not get the entire 69.9A she was only promised over the years 5A for her house and no more… Again i thought WTF… and yes I attempted not to cry but did all day off and on and even pulled out the whiskey and coke before I went to bed…

The adverse possession in my name was done to take care of her dad as he did not want to go into a nursing home and neither does her half-brother; plus he wanted me taken care of since do there would be no meddling from them and me having to "beg" for money for care of their father. All work and have left everything up to me – his care – taking to drs. etc. etc. same with the brother… Oh well their father was not as dumb as they thought he was… he knew he wanted son and I taken care of not left out int the cold Will at least have the cash rent for the farm ground but if like in past due in March/November. November was given when father died so could have for cremation etc…. So that done that in…

I have been here for 24+ years and taken care of her mother (who is in nursing home since Dec. 3rd, 2004), helped take care of her grandmother, done for her and her kids etc. The brother lived with and took care of his grandmother and helped pay off the mortgage that she took out on the bare farm ground her place & the 40A it was a 15 year mortgage and there was 12 years left still owed after she died. Both the sisters work so you know where what he out come would of be nursing home… The never offered to help money wise in any way with the mortgage or property taxes…

Cost over $2000 to get this done and their father did have me call the lawyer and went with me and it was not done behind his back i was done with his blessing… I have one option of turning everything over back to his name and over to the state and everything will be lost…

The 1st property interested in was sold (it was the brick); the 2nd in line the wind power has been sold also drove down by since could not see a real estate sign from main road – it sits barely off on a country road I wish i had the furniture they were throwing into the dumpster out of it,,, in the real estate ads it looked in excellent condition and thing wrong with it… the one remains ..

The buyer called the 29th or 30th said the title insurance company would not issue a policy because the way i acquired until a year more is up… said something afraid of lawsuits….. So I am still sitting on the earnest money not sure if it has to be returned or not… at least it did draw $2,82 cents worth of interest 🙂

Have to come up with rest of property taxes; and got bill the 2nd for filing the order of default judgement 3 months later and I had asked in August if I owed anymore money or would owe more money… So I am awaiting the buyers call to go talk to the lawyer so he can explain more I mentioned if land contract can be done till year is up so the buyer does not loose the money of the appraisal fees ($500) and I know there are lawyer fees and i am not sure what else he has assumed in expenses…

And yes I attempted not to cry all day but put my efforts into trying to figure how to re-stack and store all the boxes packed no i am not emptying out for now can live without the stuff I have boxed up….

So now I am re-grouping, re-organizing and trying to figure out how to salvage this 1975 mobile home to make it more live-able for the time being…. Hoping the van will last if not will be walking basically have an old 4-wheel drive truck but barely trust it around here it needs a lot of work and is un-comfortable to drive and maneuver.

The daughter & her husband who is to get the 5A have not been told as yet that they can not get it for at least another year so I still have that yet to face… They are only around when they want something 🙁 Make promise and I have to ask, beg, plead to have anything done by him, the daughter well forget it; she did bring us a turkey couple of weeks ago because she had to clean her freezer out for new food as her hours of work was being cut and she wanted to start laying in a winters supply….

I can't even lay in a supply as transportation to I.U. & bills come first then food. I am selling some stuff on eBay glassware trinkets but it nothing of great value just can not give away to a local thrift store… to late for garage sales and they have never been productive for me…

I will survive… I won't give up… God will provide… and Krama will strike the others… And yes I am remaining around to care for the son no matter what and hanging till the bitter end unless my health gives up or i die…. They would only get control slap him into a half-way house or nursing home and make off with everything… Their work their lives are more important… they have proven that with their dad let alone their brother….

Jump to this post

Talked with buyer, lawyer they are extending the agreement/contract out for final closing in Sept 2019 barring any new complications offered additional amount of down payment above the 10% but I said no – will have the cash rent for 2019. Just did not feel it was right in case anything goes haywire… I told lawyer if its the sisters I would definitely make sure the nursing home got it all for the 14+ years care for mother/step-mother plus the judgements against her for hospital bills she refused to pay … I can walk away with nothing and find a way somehow to care for the son… just wish my house was restored and livable would be the simple solution….

Lawyer is goign through with the survey on the one property to separate the 5A off I hope it can be deeded off since no money will be involved with me bearing all the cost of the survey, appraisal lawyer fees and what ever else

I've got the property taxes finished paid for the year on the other two properties; found out the adverse possession lawyer
did not file properties into my name until Oct. 26 and default judgement was ordered Aug. 10th I hate what I am thinking since the son-in-law recommended the lawyer trying not to go there but….

my Culver house property taxes paid for too as did not pay the spring as needed the money to take son to Indy and friend to his CBC's and blood transfusion he was not happy that i opted not to pay but "Shit happens" and you do with what you got when family refused to help out…

Went to pay for the crematory house and specifications was changed for foundation raising the cost and funeral director was not informed – so he is making sure if takes effect mid-year or 1st of year and if the Masonic Lodge as a whole made the changes or just the one who issues out the gravesites nothing has been simple but I am not letting him absorb the extra cost deceased husband worked with cement/concrete and it gets costly I know and the $155-200 per graves times however many quoted to be poured for October can dig into ones pocket very heavily I want to be fair a bout this

Not started on how going to fix this place up as yet… trying to decide just how much its worth to do it since its a 1975 mobile home but it has to suffice for now… Got to see what the survey etc. going to cost before can dig in here got some scrape to haul off to start it…

Got my eye exam also scheduled for the 29th… I lost my glasses day made cremation arrangements and never did find them… friend had been badgering me to go have new ones for over 2 years finally got his wish but had to wait because not enough money to go around…

Hopefully things will settle down now…. praying for a mild winter… praying the van holds out… and know Miracles do happen… will make it through the winter It can not be any tougher than last winter :-)….. asl always I know God will provide and look over us….

Next dr./immunology on the 26th with Ct. on Dec. 13th and few days after dr./immunology again…..

A Happy Blessed Thanksgiving to all… will be alone and if not considering goign to the Eagles in WInamac where belong as they are having a free thanksgiving dinner. A lot to be thankful for things could be worse….

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@reibur1951

Talked with buyer, lawyer they are extending the agreement/contract out for final closing in Sept 2019 barring any new complications offered additional amount of down payment above the 10% but I said no – will have the cash rent for 2019. Just did not feel it was right in case anything goes haywire… I told lawyer if its the sisters I would definitely make sure the nursing home got it all for the 14+ years care for mother/step-mother plus the judgements against her for hospital bills she refused to pay … I can walk away with nothing and find a way somehow to care for the son… just wish my house was restored and livable would be the simple solution….

Lawyer is goign through with the survey on the one property to separate the 5A off I hope it can be deeded off since no money will be involved with me bearing all the cost of the survey, appraisal lawyer fees and what ever else

I've got the property taxes finished paid for the year on the other two properties; found out the adverse possession lawyer
did not file properties into my name until Oct. 26 and default judgement was ordered Aug. 10th I hate what I am thinking since the son-in-law recommended the lawyer trying not to go there but….

my Culver house property taxes paid for too as did not pay the spring as needed the money to take son to Indy and friend to his CBC's and blood transfusion he was not happy that i opted not to pay but "Shit happens" and you do with what you got when family refused to help out…

Went to pay for the crematory house and specifications was changed for foundation raising the cost and funeral director was not informed – so he is making sure if takes effect mid-year or 1st of year and if the Masonic Lodge as a whole made the changes or just the one who issues out the gravesites nothing has been simple but I am not letting him absorb the extra cost deceased husband worked with cement/concrete and it gets costly I know and the $155-200 per graves times however many quoted to be poured for October can dig into ones pocket very heavily I want to be fair a bout this

Not started on how going to fix this place up as yet… trying to decide just how much its worth to do it since its a 1975 mobile home but it has to suffice for now… Got to see what the survey etc. going to cost before can dig in here got some scrape to haul off to start it…

Got my eye exam also scheduled for the 29th… I lost my glasses day made cremation arrangements and never did find them… friend had been badgering me to go have new ones for over 2 years finally got his wish but had to wait because not enough money to go around…

Hopefully things will settle down now…. praying for a mild winter… praying the van holds out… and know Miracles do happen… will make it through the winter It can not be any tougher than last winter :-)….. asl always I know God will provide and look over us….

Next dr./immunology on the 26th with Ct. on Dec. 13th and few days after dr./immunology again…..

A Happy Blessed Thanksgiving to all… will be alone and if not considering goign to the Eagles in WInamac where belong as they are having a free thanksgiving dinner. A lot to be thankful for things could be worse….

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@reibur1951

I certainly wish you a good Thanksgiving as well. I hope you have a great meal and enjoy some good conversation! I'm thankful for you continuing to post.

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Sometimes the loss of a loved one can stir up regrets for the life we expected to have with that person, in addition to our sense of our current loss. For example, if you lost a spouse, right before retirement, you may have lost your dream for that vacation/retirement home and the plans that went with it. Of, if you lost a child, you will never see that child accomplish the goals that they might have been working towards.

I saw this quote from a Mayo Clinic doctor and thought about how it applies to all of us in this group,

"The present moment is all you can control, not what happened in the past. Although you can't turn back the clock on setbacks and disappointments, your past does not have to define you."— Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Any thoughts you would like to share?

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@muppey

lisalucier, Thanks for the note! It seems I've developed an "attitude" which puts people off, but I'll get over it, the VA is helping me with therapists, and now a psychiatrist I tele-conference with from Stanford U. They want me to recall different things and stuff which make me so defensive/offensive???
One thing occurred in the Army where a Sargent pulled a .45 pistol on me and pointed it at my face and pulled the trigger, I cursed him a lot. "It's not loaded!" Stupid person, all guns are loaded. Latter he was bothering me while I was sleeping, he started throwing darts at me and poking holes in the freshly painted walls above my head, I finally grabbed a dart and flung it at him, not like playing darts but like a weapon. The dart stuck in the wall right inches above his head, they left me alone as they determined I was upset. Could have gone to prison if my aim was better.
Anyway the docs want me to talk about the many "violent" episodes and other things in my life to figure "What is your main malfunction?" I'll get it!
Thanks for asking and maybe I'll come back to this site more often as it's helped a lot. Our divorce is final on the 27th.
Take Care!
Mark

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@muppey
Hello Mark:

I hope you are doing well. It has been a while since you last posted. I see that when you last posted your divorce was going to be finalized in the near future. How are you doing with that as well as with the holiday season approaching? Any plans?

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I don't know if I know how to grieve. I lost my mom , almost 3 months ago. I weeped some everyday, holding her hand, while she was dying from cancer. When I got the call one morning, telling me she died, I was numb. Mom and I were very close. I didn't want to see her after she died. I don't know if I was wrong on that decision or not. I feel guilty for not being there during or after her death. I can get a little weepy thinking of her, but I haven't ever just had a good crying spell. My husband and I live in FL, mom lived in NY, and I was with her for 3 months. When I came home, after the funeral, after arrangements to auction off my parents belongings, putting the house on the market, going thru a flood while there, I started to talk to my husband about my ordeal. He stopped me cold, told me he had his own depression, and didn't want to hear about my loss. I feel and look like I aged five yrs over the summer. Am I holding in grief, or is my husband right, when he says, if I talk about my mom, it only reinforces the memories and loss?

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Hello @lindafrisbie and welcome to Mayo Connect and to our discussion on Grief and Loss. Losing your mother is a significant loss and I'd like to encourage you to talk about your mom here. I and the others in this group will listen and provide a shoulder to lean on during this time of grief.

You see, talking about your feelings of loss and grief provides the road to feeling better. It sounds as if your husband is not able to listen, however, I and the others in our group can and will listen!

Please read through some of the posts here and see how people have dealt with loss through writing, journaling and seeking a support group.

So, begin by telling me a little about your mom (if you are comfortable doing so). I would like to get to know her as well as you. Will you do that?

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@lindafrisbie This is a safe place to share with caring, supportive shoulders. Talking helps.

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@lindafrisbie

I don't know if I know how to grieve. I lost my mom , almost 3 months ago. I weeped some everyday, holding her hand, while she was dying from cancer. When I got the call one morning, telling me she died, I was numb. Mom and I were very close. I didn't want to see her after she died. I don't know if I was wrong on that decision or not. I feel guilty for not being there during or after her death. I can get a little weepy thinking of her, but I haven't ever just had a good crying spell. My husband and I live in FL, mom lived in NY, and I was with her for 3 months. When I came home, after the funeral, after arrangements to auction off my parents belongings, putting the house on the market, going thru a flood while there, I started to talk to my husband about my ordeal. He stopped me cold, told me he had his own depression, and didn't want to hear about my loss. I feel and look like I aged five yrs over the summer. Am I holding in grief, or is my husband right, when he says, if I talk about my mom, it only reinforces the memories and loss?

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@lindafrisbie Please be assured that there is no right or wrong way, length of time, or plan for grief. We each have our own and it may be different for each person we lose. I feel the monumental job you have already completed in 3 months. When my father died I had mother to make final decisions, but much of it landed on me. During the years since we have reduced her material possessions and she has moved into a nursing home. Her final plans will be up to me to complete. Fortunately I have been able to discuss her wishes with her and can be assured that she is ready and comfortable with what we will provide for the extended family and community to remember her. Also, fortunately for me I only live 30 minutes away. I miss my father every day, but have only wept significantly once during the last 10 years and that was several years after his funeral. I am surprised about that because I am an emotional person. I have no idea how I will behave at mother's funeral, but I suspect I will not publicly weep because of some family members that are overly dramatic and love to call attention to themselves in any possible way. Sometimes I can talk to my husband, other times not. It depends on what is going on in his life. You do need someone to talk to though. Use us if you like, or a friend, counselor or clergy. Whoever you feel most comfortable with. You have been under a great strain for a year, so it is not unusual for it to show on your face. In my experience, talking about issues makes them more manageable for me, so I do not agree with your husband. However, that is his way to manage his emotions, which may also be feeding his depression. In your case I would just take care of my own grief and hope that he sees you improve over time and decides to open up. You are and will continue in my prayers. Blessings and love to you.

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@hopeful33250

Sometimes the loss of a loved one can stir up regrets for the life we expected to have with that person, in addition to our sense of our current loss. For example, if you lost a spouse, right before retirement, you may have lost your dream for that vacation/retirement home and the plans that went with it. Of, if you lost a child, you will never see that child accomplish the goals that they might have been working towards.

I saw this quote from a Mayo Clinic doctor and thought about how it applies to all of us in this group,

"The present moment is all you can control, not what happened in the past. Although you can't turn back the clock on setbacks and disappointments, your past does not have to define you."— Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Any thoughts you would like to share?

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@hopeful33250 That is a good quote. I saw this phrase and use it often: Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here, that is why we call it a present. It is also a gift.

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