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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

REPLY

Just an update things moving at a snails pace… but moving i hope in the right direction… will hopefully know in few weeks or sooner things are in progress for purchase of the on piece of property everything has to be re-done title search etc. I keep cleaning, packing etc. There's another house on the market they all line up from south to north from here – new on is in the middle of the other two I liked the first one it was all brick built in about 1959 on level with attached garage and basement and approximately 5 acres with some woods and corner lot on 2 state highways within short distance of town… next came #2 with 1.5 acres, pine trees & other trees, partial basement, detached garage, wood deck surrounds most of the house; open living, dining, kitchen vaulted ceiling and wind turbine power to help with electric (friends choice & son likes the most too & I got to admit it it is still #1 choice) built in about 1972 recently remolded and all appliances washer/dryer frig, dishwasher, microwave and stone, ceiling fans; sits on the corner of state highway & county road… #3 last came up the other day built about 1932 says it is smaller than other, has family room with stone work ( which I love because it was deceased husbands occupation) has frig, stove & dishwasher nothing about laundry appliances ; has a full basement with drive in garage (i think by looks of pics) and out building and 1 acre with some trees sits on the state highway short ways from one of the main entrances into town downfall it is a part of an acquired properties that were annexed into town recently seems it has been broken off as it still is septic & well Son has a CT-scan on Thursday (his last one showed some growth in the lymph node in the arm pit & collapsing behind the tumor in the lung the other lymph nodes remained steady – but it is Stage 4 so anything can happen at anytime…)and next Wednesday his Immunology/drs at IU Medical/Simon Cancer center… he had his 4/6 month check up (lost track would have to go look at calender's) with primary care and he bumped him up to 6 months tomorrow his his 6 month check with his heart dr…. the Van is holding out I think its a sore subject the gauges have started to go crazy at times so holding breath it will last the winter till other things are taken care of… still have friends monument/cremation house to buy that depends on pending property sale as is that house and a lot of other things… The daughter and her husband another story they don't even put forth the effort to pick up phone and see how I am doing or how her brother is doing lame excuses being made as to why… i need to start clean-up outside but have put off because some of their actions Pretty sure every thing is settled on the adverse possession as I got paper work and letter from lawyer saying I can clean etc. just waiting to see if sale goes through as will give me the extra money to really proceed with things… I feel scared and yet I don't I am a black/white person it all has to be in order… I just want to get some of the promise all fulfilled and done with and i know it all take time…. God will provide….

@reibur1951

Just an update things moving at a snails pace… but moving i hope in the right direction… will hopefully know in few weeks or sooner things are in progress for purchase of the on piece of property everything has to be re-done title search etc. I keep cleaning, packing etc. There's another house on the market they all line up from south to north from here – new on is in the middle of the other two I liked the first one it was all brick built in about 1959 on level with attached garage and basement and approximately 5 acres with some woods and corner lot on 2 state highways within short distance of town… next came #2 with 1.5 acres, pine trees & other trees, partial basement, detached garage, wood deck surrounds most of the house; open living, dining, kitchen vaulted ceiling and wind turbine power to help with electric (friends choice & son likes the most too & I got to admit it it is still #1 choice) built in about 1972 recently remolded and all appliances washer/dryer frig, dishwasher, microwave and stone, ceiling fans; sits on the corner of state highway & county road… #3 last came up the other day built about 1932 says it is smaller than other, has family room with stone work ( which I love because it was deceased husbands occupation) has frig, stove & dishwasher nothing about laundry appliances ; has a full basement with drive in garage (i think by looks of pics) and out building and 1 acre with some trees sits on the state highway short ways from one of the main entrances into town downfall it is a part of an acquired properties that were annexed into town recently seems it has been broken off as it still is septic & well Son has a CT-scan on Thursday (his last one showed some growth in the lymph node in the arm pit & collapsing behind the tumor in the lung the other lymph nodes remained steady – but it is Stage 4 so anything can happen at anytime…)and next Wednesday his Immunology/drs at IU Medical/Simon Cancer center… he had his 4/6 month check up (lost track would have to go look at calender's) with primary care and he bumped him up to 6 months tomorrow his his 6 month check with his heart dr…. the Van is holding out I think its a sore subject the gauges have started to go crazy at times so holding breath it will last the winter till other things are taken care of… still have friends monument/cremation house to buy that depends on pending property sale as is that house and a lot of other things… The daughter and her husband another story they don't even put forth the effort to pick up phone and see how I am doing or how her brother is doing lame excuses being made as to why… i need to start clean-up outside but have put off because some of their actions Pretty sure every thing is settled on the adverse possession as I got paper work and letter from lawyer saying I can clean etc. just waiting to see if sale goes through as will give me the extra money to really proceed with things… I feel scared and yet I don't I am a black/white person it all has to be in order… I just want to get some of the promise all fulfilled and done with and i know it all take time…. God will provide….

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Hello @reibur1951
So good to hear from you. It does sound like you are making progress, albeit slow. I'm glad to hear that other properties are becoming available that might work for you. That is good news! How is your friend's son doing with his cancer treatment?

@hopeful33250

Hello @reibur1951
So good to hear from you. It does sound like you are making progress, albeit slow. I'm glad to hear that other properties are becoming available that might work for you. That is good news! How is your friend's son doing with his cancer treatment?

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He has done amazingly well he is in a clinical study – from Dec – Apr it was a 12 week thing of going down every week – and his dad went with us… sure mess that 🙁 … It was a 4-3 week cycle Week 1 was Carbiolatin/Abraxane/Pembrolizumab; week 2 &3 was abraxane only amazingly he had no nausea, vomiting or diarrhea – some hair loss (its all grown back in now and thicker it seems) he had some neuropathy, to the feet up to about the heels low ankles and seems to be coming out of that more and more seemed to bother him – he is on the Pembrolizumab (immunology) right now and its every 3 weeks I think up to 2 years not sure… He done the genetic bio-maker thing at the end of the 12 week cycle so that if anything develops or better treatment options comes up he is on the "band wagon" and ready to go. Like said the last CT 6 weeks ago showed the lymph node had somewhat increased in size but not to where it was; the other lymph nodes involved had remained stable; the main tumor in lung had shrunk from the treatment and had not showed any change thus far only concern seems that the area behind the tumor had collapsed so we will see what this CT-scan brings on Thursday… his immunology is next Wednesday.. I need to find an undivided amount of time to sit down and put all reports in a line and read them and compare them. From the horror stories i have heard of others on chemo he done amazingly well he never got a cold, flue etc. during the treatment and his immune level had only dropped twice during that time where the treatment had to be delayed for a week. This was the only option open since surgery and radiation were out from the beginning Like said its termed Stage IVB squamous cell carcinoma of the upper right lung with several lump nodes involved the 2 main is a right supraclavicular and the the left axillary (arm pit) It all in Gods hands He complains very little of anything and denies having any pain or breathing problems he rides his bike to a local country store every late afternoon early evening just about every day in all types of weather which is about 12 miles – out of curiosity I will have to clock it one day to see just how far….

Of the houses I prefer the wind generated one it came on market 2nd.; its the nearest to were I am at the brick one was the first and its okay (its hte furthest away) and the 3rd it is cheaper and in the middle and will suffice and at least its has an acre of buffer but I am sure its in the annexed portion of the town for development into housing/retail I will have to go look at a zoning map to see just what the developer done to sub-divide it off of the parcels he bought but for now it "country"….

I am hanging in and bouncing with what life throws at me knowing God does not give us anymore than we can handle and tolerate at any given time.

@reibur1951

He has done amazingly well he is in a clinical study – from Dec – Apr it was a 12 week thing of going down every week – and his dad went with us… sure mess that 🙁 … It was a 4-3 week cycle Week 1 was Carbiolatin/Abraxane/Pembrolizumab; week 2 &3 was abraxane only amazingly he had no nausea, vomiting or diarrhea – some hair loss (its all grown back in now and thicker it seems) he had some neuropathy, to the feet up to about the heels low ankles and seems to be coming out of that more and more seemed to bother him – he is on the Pembrolizumab (immunology) right now and its every 3 weeks I think up to 2 years not sure… He done the genetic bio-maker thing at the end of the 12 week cycle so that if anything develops or better treatment options comes up he is on the "band wagon" and ready to go. Like said the last CT 6 weeks ago showed the lymph node had somewhat increased in size but not to where it was; the other lymph nodes involved had remained stable; the main tumor in lung had shrunk from the treatment and had not showed any change thus far only concern seems that the area behind the tumor had collapsed so we will see what this CT-scan brings on Thursday… his immunology is next Wednesday.. I need to find an undivided amount of time to sit down and put all reports in a line and read them and compare them. From the horror stories i have heard of others on chemo he done amazingly well he never got a cold, flue etc. during the treatment and his immune level had only dropped twice during that time where the treatment had to be delayed for a week. This was the only option open since surgery and radiation were out from the beginning Like said its termed Stage IVB squamous cell carcinoma of the upper right lung with several lump nodes involved the 2 main is a right supraclavicular and the the left axillary (arm pit) It all in Gods hands He complains very little of anything and denies having any pain or breathing problems he rides his bike to a local country store every late afternoon early evening just about every day in all types of weather which is about 12 miles – out of curiosity I will have to clock it one day to see just how far….

Of the houses I prefer the wind generated one it came on market 2nd.; its the nearest to were I am at the brick one was the first and its okay (its hte furthest away) and the 3rd it is cheaper and in the middle and will suffice and at least its has an acre of buffer but I am sure its in the annexed portion of the town for development into housing/retail I will have to go look at a zoning map to see just what the developer done to sub-divide it off of the parcels he bought but for now it "country"….

I am hanging in and bouncing with what life throws at me knowing God does not give us anymore than we can handle and tolerate at any given time.

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@reibur1951
It really is amazing how many things you have on your plate. You are managing them quite well.

I wonder, are you taking some time for self-care?

@hopeful33250

@reibur1951
It really is amazing how many things you have on your plate. You are managing them quite well.

I wonder, are you taking some time for self-care?

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I do what I can as I can when it gets to much i just walk away either for a nap or to work on here or bed for the night;
I love genealogy so i come in here and hide behind what one person dub the"Dead peoples Society" years ago friends grandson went to school and told his teacher that about me and she laughed as she knew what I done… its the waiting for things to click so progress can be made…

Like said clean, pack as boxes come available so that won't be all last minute there is couple of areas – the china hutch, the closet and kitchen that will have to be done at last minute… and if not will have to find way to re-organize boxes as not unpacking all are labeled so know where came from and whats in in a board sense… if from in here that's questionable… but tried to by systematic about how i packed things up and away have had to do it a couple times when the roof leaked and they are still packed away for the eventual surprise "Oh i forgot I had that"… some probably should of tossed but i have collected glassware and other collectibles over the years and not about yet ready to give up but probably should…

Given time i know it will all work out it will be nice to have space other than a mobile home if it is meant to be if not will have to make the best of it here for a while longer…

I still have my hopes and dreams and won't let them go keeps me going…

I just have to see this through and make the best of today and tomorrow.

I have wondered what it would of been if I had not forced the issue of the chest x-ray last September but I was not expecting lung cancer for him it was "silent heart attacks" as he went through that in 2007 and had a stent placed his dad carried him out and I drove to the ER at top speed and made it just in time if we had called an ambulance and waited for it to come 14+ miles…

I know I made the best choice in IU Medical/Simon Cancer center than messing around up here with the son… just wish had gotten his father down to IU Medical but did not IU Methodist was the start but it was just to late and regret that but it was inevitable what the out come would be since he was not making red blood cells and transfusions were only a "stop gap measure" and one day would fail… it just came a little sooner than expected would of liked him to be around longer and seen all this accomplished but it was not meant to be… I am at peace with that…

Nothing in this life is guaranteed and the best plans do go astray…. we just have to dust ourselves off and carry on the best we can.

@reibur1951

I do what I can as I can when it gets to much i just walk away either for a nap or to work on here or bed for the night;
I love genealogy so i come in here and hide behind what one person dub the"Dead peoples Society" years ago friends grandson went to school and told his teacher that about me and she laughed as she knew what I done… its the waiting for things to click so progress can be made…

Like said clean, pack as boxes come available so that won't be all last minute there is couple of areas – the china hutch, the closet and kitchen that will have to be done at last minute… and if not will have to find way to re-organize boxes as not unpacking all are labeled so know where came from and whats in in a board sense… if from in here that's questionable… but tried to by systematic about how i packed things up and away have had to do it a couple times when the roof leaked and they are still packed away for the eventual surprise "Oh i forgot I had that"… some probably should of tossed but i have collected glassware and other collectibles over the years and not about yet ready to give up but probably should…

Given time i know it will all work out it will be nice to have space other than a mobile home if it is meant to be if not will have to make the best of it here for a while longer…

I still have my hopes and dreams and won't let them go keeps me going…

I just have to see this through and make the best of today and tomorrow.

I have wondered what it would of been if I had not forced the issue of the chest x-ray last September but I was not expecting lung cancer for him it was "silent heart attacks" as he went through that in 2007 and had a stent placed his dad carried him out and I drove to the ER at top speed and made it just in time if we had called an ambulance and waited for it to come 14+ miles…

I know I made the best choice in IU Medical/Simon Cancer center than messing around up here with the son… just wish had gotten his father down to IU Medical but did not IU Methodist was the start but it was just to late and regret that but it was inevitable what the out come would be since he was not making red blood cells and transfusions were only a "stop gap measure" and one day would fail… it just came a little sooner than expected would of liked him to be around longer and seen all this accomplished but it was not meant to be… I am at peace with that…

Nothing in this life is guaranteed and the best plans do go astray…. we just have to dust ourselves off and carry on the best we can.

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Hello @reibur1951
It sounds like you do have some ways of walking away from the stress of all of your responsibilities. That is important!

Your labeling of your Genealogy research, "The Dead People's Society" was amusing, I'll have to remember that.

Thanks for the smile this morning!

@hopeful33250

Hello @reibur1951
It sounds like you do have some ways of walking away from the stress of all of your responsibilities. That is important!

Your labeling of your Genealogy research, "The Dead People's Society" was amusing, I'll have to remember that.

Thanks for the smile this morning!

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The was not me it was a 5-6 year old who was in kindergarten at the time who was trying to explain me and what I did to his teacher and class 🙂 and it has stuck all these years and it has stuck with me all these years and puts a smile on my face a reminder of … Art Linkletters show and his segment "Kids say the Darndest things" it was good that she knew me and that I did genealogy…

@shortshot Hello Nancy:

I hope that you are doing well. It has been a few weeks since I've had a post from you and just thought I would check in and say hello.
How are your immunotherapy treatments going? How is your son doing after the loss of his wife and his father?
Does your family have any special plans for the upcoming holiday season, given all of the losses you have all experienced over the last year?
Will you drop me a note and let me know how you are doing?

@hopeful33250

@shortshot Hello Nancy:

I hope that you are doing well. It has been a few weeks since I've had a post from you and just thought I would check in and say hello.
How are your immunotherapy treatments going? How is your son doing after the loss of his wife and his father?
Does your family have any special plans for the upcoming holiday season, given all of the losses you have all experienced over the last year?
Will you drop me a note and let me know how you are doing?

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@hopeful33250 Hi Teresa, I think you sent this to the wrong person!

@hopeful33250

@shortshot Hello Nancy:

I hope that you are doing well. It has been a few weeks since I've had a post from you and just thought I would check in and say hello.
How are your immunotherapy treatments going? How is your son doing after the loss of his wife and his father?
Does your family have any special plans for the upcoming holiday season, given all of the losses you have all experienced over the last year?
Will you drop me a note and let me know how you are doing?

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(shortshot Nancy) Hi Teresa, I'm sorry for being so long. I have had several visits with a trained councilor in the past several weeks.. I also have been the hospital for four days. Started with a fever of 1 -1/2 temp. Thought I had pnoumnia SP) decided that I didn't have it so it must be a reaction of my last treatment. So don't know what it is. All I know is that everyjoint is so painful, so I received some pain pills , so don't know what is going on. I am so teary and my #1 son has been pretty hurtful toward me. Don't know which side is up. Not fun. #2 son Randy is having a awful terrible time with his grief. I Can't seem to help him any. Just one thing after another. I don't know what to do Teresa… I'm at a loss. Please just pray for me and my family. Nancy shortshot) Thanks for asking. Nancy

@hopeful33250

@shortshot Hello Nancy:

I hope that you are doing well. It has been a few weeks since I've had a post from you and just thought I would check in and say hello.
How are your immunotherapy treatments going? How is your son doing after the loss of his wife and his father?
Does your family have any special plans for the upcoming holiday season, given all of the losses you have all experienced over the last year?
Will you drop me a note and let me know how you are doing?

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Hi Teresa (shortshot) Things have just seem to explode, I have had my "Immune therapy sessions, which have been ok. But this last week, I spent Last Sunday 9/20 through Wed, in the hospital, I Had a fever 101.8, doc thought I had pnouminia and gave me antibotics.
Spelling isn't very good tonight. Anyway I was there for four days, Also I had all my joints hurting really bad, couldn't hardly get around. Well say my cancer doc today, said it could have maybe be a reaction to last month treatment. Gave me some pain meds and that them three times daily. Am really tired. Still am having a hard time with all the grief and so is Randy. He is just a basket case. But things will be better with time. Thanks for checking on me…… Had my treatment today and I'm tired. More later. (Nancy)

@shortshot80

(shortshot Nancy) Hi Teresa, I'm sorry for being so long. I have had several visits with a trained councilor in the past several weeks.. I also have been the hospital for four days. Started with a fever of 1 -1/2 temp. Thought I had pnoumnia SP) decided that I didn't have it so it must be a reaction of my last treatment. So don't know what it is. All I know is that everyjoint is so painful, so I received some pain pills , so don't know what is going on. I am so teary and my #1 son has been pretty hurtful toward me. Don't know which side is up. Not fun. #2 son Randy is having a awful terrible time with his grief. I Can't seem to help him any. Just one thing after another. I don't know what to do Teresa… I'm at a loss. Please just pray for me and my family. Nancy shortshot) Thanks for asking. Nancy

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Hello Nancy @shortshot
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. It seems like you and your family are all hurting right now. I certainly will pray for you all. Is the counselor helping you?

Hi Teresa, shortshot, Yes the counselor is helping quite a bit. I see him again on the 16. Will also have a ct scan on the 11 th I think. But am doing somewhat better. Nancy

@shortshot80

Hi Teresa, shortshot, Yes the counselor is helping quite a bit. I see him again on the 16. Will also have a ct scan on the 11 th I think. But am doing somewhat better. Nancy

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@shortshot
Hello Nancy,
I'm glad to hear that the counselor is helpful. You've experienced a lot of losses and you can use all the support. Sometimes we need a perspective outside of our family. You are doing a good job taking care of yourself.

@hopeful33250

@shortshot
Hello Nancy,
I'm glad to hear that the counselor is helpful. You've experienced a lot of losses and you can use all the support. Sometimes we need a perspective outside of our family. You are doing a good job taking care of yourself.

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Hi Teresa, (shortshot Nancy) My brother B is one and one half years younger than me. Last Friday he and his wife were in a small town on the coast, had spent couple days there, well on Friday he loaded the car and told his wife we need to leave and you need to drive, Get me to the local hospital. The doc's there wanted to life flight him to a different hospital, he told them no and to send him to Portland and his regular doc. Arrived in Portland , his doc met him and told him that there wasn't anything they can co expect start hospice. B called another brother G and told hi what was going on and not to tell me. He told him that I had enough problems. Anyway I called him to tell him about me, then I found out about him. He said "well dear neither of us is doing to well. Well G came to visit me yesterday and I found out he has bladder problems with blood in it. We prayed for each other and also for brother B. This year has not been to much fun.
More Later Nancy

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