Long-term depression

Posted by seeker70 @seeker70, Oct 11, 2017

I have been depressed, when I think about it, since I was a kid (I”m a senior now!) I have been treated off and on with meds and minimal talk therapy, but nothing changes. In the past it has been underlying but as I grow older it is becoming more intense. People ask: ‘why are you depressed? I never get depressed, just get a better attitude’. Or they don’t hear my (probably passive-aggressive) cries for help. Or they say: ‘what do you have to be depressed about?’ Actually although I agree with these opinions to a certain extent, it does not address the problem that depression is not a ‘why’, not is it a ‘choice’. It’s almost like being gay, you just are. Maybe I should just accept it (guess that’s what I have done for decades 🙂 But I don’t want to. I want to feel better now. Earlier in my life I was able to enjoy things, although the depression would keep popping out. But now I seem to have trouble enjoying anything, including my own family, and it’s harder and harder to ‘push depression down’ once it’s popped. So I have longer periods of depression and sadness and sleeplessness and lonliness, an shorter periods of being able to enjoy my life. Or want something. Or look forward to anything. I will say too that I have as much to be happy about as I do to be unhappy – but as I said, it’s not a ‘why’. I’m looking for people to explore this idea, and to help each other begin to overcome. Or maybe it’s just me and there’s no one else who feels this way — 😉 Thank you for reading all this.

@parus

Guilt is a destroyer. I am still endeavoring to destroy the guilt as it rips me apart at times. I have been blamed for many things and my intellect says this member does not have the kind of power some have given me. Make sense?
@hopeful33250 Your statement about blame not belonging to children sure brought tears to my eyes.

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@parus

I’m glad that it helped! Yes, children are never responsible for adult problems – period!

Teresa

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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@kdo0827

It sounds like you are doing a lot to counteract depression. We attend church on Sunday morning, and I lead worship and play the piano in the evening service. I was a volunteer for hospice for several years, visiting patients. I resigned from hospice because they made new guidelines and wanted me to have my service dog trained as a therapy dog. The two types of dogs are very different, and I need to keep Sadie as my service dog. I still visit one woman every Monday, and celebrated her 104th birthday with her today.

I’ve been taking Wellbutrin for 12 years and added Remeron a couple of months ago. I also take Klonopin for anxiety. My mental health fell apart in ’05. I’d been taking antidepressants for a few years, but I crashed and attempted suicide a number of times and was down in a very deep, very dark hole by the end of ’05. I spent November and December in a facility, and the following October I retired at 56. It took several years to get out of the hole, and by now I’m in a better, safer place. I’m sorry that I’ve put my wife through some rough times. I wish I could say I’m all better, but I know I still have a way to go.

Jim

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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Hi, @jess123

Sorry for all of the frustration you’ve been experiencing. I hope your new doctors will be more helpful. Allergies are no fun at all. We live in Oregon, and moved out of the Willamette Valley 20 years ago, where it rains all the time and mold and mildew were disabling us. We live in central Oregon, which is high desert, with only around 15 inches of precipitation annually. Our allergies are way better, but then there are other things like sage brush. I don’t think there’s a place that’s allergen free.

I’m just getting over a nasty cold that my wife had last week. I’m looking forward to having some energy again. I need to finish taking down the Christmas lights outside, and at the same time clean gutters. I’ve put off the gutter cleaning for way too long.

Time for bed. Look forward to hearing more from you.

Jim

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@jimhd Honesty is helpful. An over-used euphemism: We are all human. Some of us are more human than others. Definitely a global statement. I feel stuck oft times as well and it seems futile to continue on knowing depression will always be lurking somewhere waiting to rob of us of feeling a part of life.
Thank you for your feedback on the anger theory. Depression comes with many faces. I can remember (and still hear thus) that I am” too” sensitive. I avoid conflict-in fact I flee from conflict.
Been down for so long it looks like up to me. So I have now labeled depression a thief, a liar, a demon and a destroyer. I have found the addition of other situations and not being able to avoid depression by always being busy has forced me to face the depression as real and having to deal with it in other ways.
Circular jibber-jabber. I do appreciate your openness and your honesty.

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@parus

Guilt is a destroyer. I am still endeavoring to destroy the guilt as it rips me apart at times. I have been blamed for many things and my intellect says this member does not have the kind of power some have given me. Make sense?
@hopeful33250 Your statement about blame not belonging to children sure brought tears to my eyes.

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@hopeful33250 AMEN!

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@parus

I was once told that depression is anger turned inward…these words came from a long ago therapist that I fired and the nightmare that followed was a frightening experience. I did the right thing. Any input on the depression/anger theory?

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@parus

The anger turned inward is a fairly common description of what depression is all about. I have my doubts as well, but I’m not sure if my doubts are based on facts or just what I want to believe (hmmmm). If we are all honest about depression, we will probably admit to anger about the way we have been treated (or neglected) in one (or many) ways. For some reason, anger is not considered a good thing, but it is an emotion, like all of the rest emotions. This sounds like a good discussion topic.

Would you like to begin a Discussion on the topic of anger and depression?

Teresa

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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Thank you Jim! I also appreciate you sharing your life with me. I’m sorry to hear about your suicide attempts. It’s hard to battle those thoughts. I’m very glad that you are doing better. I like getting to know you and others. I don’t feel so alone. I too suffer with morning anxiety and it felt good to know other people understand what I go through. Today’s been pretty good. I ran errands with my Mom and volunteered at Hospice. I did notice today I didn’t think about my depression at all when I was there. I guess I need more busy work to keep my mind off things. Hope you have a wonderful afternoon.

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@parus

I was once told that depression is anger turned inward…these words came from a long ago therapist that I fired and the nightmare that followed was a frightening experience. I did the right thing. Any input on the depression/anger theory?

Jump to this post

I’m glad you saw your therapist! Please don’t do anything to harm yourself Talk to us here, we are ready to listen anytime.

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@parus

I was once told that depression is anger turned inward…these words came from a long ago therapist that I fired and the nightmare that followed was a frightening experience. I did the right thing. Any input on the depression/anger theory?

Jump to this post

Hi @kdo0827
Your advise was very good. A lot of wisdom. Thanks for helping many people in our group.
charlie75

Liked by kdo0827

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@parus

Guilt is a destroyer. I am still endeavoring to destroy the guilt as it rips me apart at times. I have been blamed for many things and my intellect says this member does not have the kind of power some have given me. Make sense?
@hopeful33250 Your statement about blame not belonging to children sure brought tears to my eyes.

Jump to this post

@parus
You are very correct as identifying guilt as a destroyer. Most of us learned the feeling of guilt when we were small children from the adults in our lives. We didn’t have the mental capacity to understand why we were meant to feel this way. One of my prior therapist helped by teaching me to forgive my inner child for feelings that I didn’t deserve to carry in my baggage cart. Once I forgave myself, I no longer feel guilt, and I make sure that I don’t continue to do actions that will cause me to feel guilty. Understanding the truth will set us free. I hope you can talk with someone that can be of help with this situation.
charlie75

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

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Hi Jim, thanks for your reply. I try to keep doing the things that make me feel better, like talking to my mom regularly. She’s in Texas and I hate to worry her but it’s my only lifeline right now. I’m taking the best care of myself that I can under the circumstances. I’ve had a low-grade fever for a few weeks now and don’t know what is causing that so I called the new doc’s office this morning about it. I usually don’t get a fever, even when I’m at my sickest with a bad virus. They are the ones who took my temp a couple of days ago but we didn’t discuss it when I was there. More blood test results will be coming early next week, so maybe some answers finally. I am hoping that going to different types of medical professionals will yield some answers and some relief. I really need to work again, I don’t have anywhere to go except back to Houston, which would make me really sick because of the mold. I’m really relying on my faith to get me through, like I have been for several years now, I wish I wasn’t so sensitive emotionally. Good luck with your projects, I know you’ll feel better once you get started on them. Sometimes breaking it up into smaller chunks or smaller time periods helps with getting started. I procrastinate, I don’t know if that’s an issue for you. I’ll tell myself that I’m only going to do something for 30 min. Then, once I get started I usually do twice that amount. Have a great day.

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@parus

I was once told that depression is anger turned inward…these words came from a long ago therapist that I fired and the nightmare that followed was a frightening experience. I did the right thing. Any input on the depression/anger theory?

Jump to this post

Jim @jimhd — sounds like you had a really good session with your therapist yesterday, even though it wasn’t easy. Reflecting on the session and after a night’s rest, are you feeling a little bit less stuck today? You are a helper in the group. The strength of community is built on knowing we are all human, and that helpers need support sometimes, too.

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@parus

Guilt is a destroyer. I am still endeavoring to destroy the guilt as it rips me apart at times. I have been blamed for many things and my intellect says this member does not have the kind of power some have given me. Make sense?
@hopeful33250 Your statement about blame not belonging to children sure brought tears to my eyes.

Jump to this post

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for the kind acknowledgement.
charlie75

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@charlie75

Hi Sharlynn62,
I’ve read the sharing between you and others in our group. I’ve been depressed for so many times that it became a comfortable space for me to occupy as I knew where I was and what was happening. I learned to feel the pain and continued to function after several years of suffering. I would put on my actors face and go out into the world and fool those around me although I was crying inside. My Father would tell me that I was my worse enemy. I was so sick that I didn’t understand. Of all the lessons that I’ve learned is that once I accept my illness, I have been able to work on the illness by people who are willing to help me recover. These people are professionals and others who share the same sicknesses and hope is instilled. I’ve learned that acceptance and hope are two verbs that require action on my part. Action helps with optimism and optimism brings me out of my depression. I have no idea what your mental diagnosis is and the medications you take. Hopefully, your Doctor can help you with this portion of treatment. The best to you.
charlie75

Jump to this post

@jess123

Well, I took down some of the lights, and put away the extension cords. I didn’t get to the ones on the roofline. It starts getting dark at 4, so the days are kind of short. I usually feel better when I get even just one thing done. A low grade fever often indicates some sort of infection. I trust that blood tests will show if and what infection might be going on.

Jim

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@parus

I was once told that depression is anger turned inward…these words came from a long ago therapist that I fired and the nightmare that followed was a frightening experience. I did the right thing. Any input on the depression/anger theory?

Jump to this post

@lisalucier

I haven’t thought much about how I feel today. One of those days when I just coast my way through. I burned trash, took out the recycling and started taking the Christmas lights down. So, I have a sense of accomplishment. I’m smelling the pulled pork my wife has in a pot, working its way toward our dinner plates. Food has to be really pungent before I smell it. I think neuropathy is affecting my sense of smell. I seem to be having increasing trouble reading and driving. I’ve been seeing double for awhile. Most of the time I can ignore it, but not always.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicidal ideation have been a challenge for me and my therapists. Often, guilt is an underlying contributor. Today I’m trying not to dwell on the issues I covered yesterday with the therapist.

Thanks for your kind words.

Jim

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