1. < Depression & Anxiety

Long-term depression

Posted by seeker70 @seeker70, Oct 11, 2017

I have been depressed, when I think about it, since I was a kid (I"m a senior now!) I have been treated off and on with meds and minimal talk therapy, but nothing changes. In the past it has been underlying but as I grow older it is becoming more intense. People ask: 'why are you depressed? I never get depressed, just get a better attitude'. Or they don't hear my (probably passive-aggressive) cries for help. Or they say: 'what do you have to be depressed about?' Actually although I agree with these opinions to a certain extent, it does not address the problem that depression is not a 'why', not is it a 'choice'. It's almost like being gay, you just are. Maybe I should just accept it (guess that's what I have done for decades 🙂 But I don't want to. I want to feel better now. Earlier in my life I was able to enjoy things, although the depression would keep popping out. But now I seem to have trouble enjoying anything, including my own family, and it's harder and harder to 'push depression down' once it's popped. So I have longer periods of depression and sadness and sleeplessness and lonliness, an shorter periods of being able to enjoy my life. Or want something. Or look forward to anything. I will say too that I have as much to be happy about as I do to be unhappy - but as I said, it's not a 'why'. I'm looking for people to explore this idea, and to help each other begin to overcome. Or maybe it's just me and there's no one else who feels this way -- 😉 Thank you for reading all this.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Feb 23, 2018

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

REPLY
14 replies
Gary, Alumni Mentor | @gman007 | Feb 23, 2018

@jimhd, I have had the same issues with being numb and my psych is slowly getting me off klonopin as she says that could well be the reason. It is no fun coming off of it either. Probably because I have done it several times, I find stopping the klonopin more difficult emotionally than the synthetic morphine I have used for 10+ years for pain. My psych (I just started with a new one) also thinks I may need to lower my zoloft dosage if I really do want to feel again, but like you, that is a semi scary proposition. I have been numb for so long that I don't know how I will handle the emotions I do feel, but I am willing to risk some short-term discomfort to be able to feel real joy with my children and grandchildren, and of course, my wife. Gary

REPLY
2 replies
Parus | @parus | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

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@jimhd Those dark places are beyond describing. I end up filled with guilt because I do not trust enough. I no longer attend church as it triggers PTSD. My sanctuary is my home and what nature I can find. I know that numb feeling. Maybe it is the way of our minds escaping. It is auto pilot that frightens me. We continue keeping on.

REPLY
Lorraine | @desirea | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

Jump to this post

Hi Jim It's been years since I felt anything. I don't know if it's the Cymbalta or the Risperdal but it's since I have been taking them for 7-8 years. What really bothers me the most is that I can't cry anymore either. Therefore I can't even feel my sadness. What has been happening is fighting off bad moods. I get them when I wake up and before I get out of bed.
Your in my prayers and do hope that all of us who respond to your post gets well.

Lorraine

REPLY
kdo0827 | @kdo0827 | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

Jump to this post

I so appreciate your input and your raw honesty. It's sad that we even have this group but what we go through is real, very real. My new meds seem to be helping some. The Remeron makes me hungry which is tough when you're dieting. I've gained back 5 pounds and I'm not happy. Hopefully the meds will continue to work. I've also gone back to therapy. Deep past issues I've buried need to be dealt with. Hope I can go there. Be blessed today!

REPLY
donny67 | @donny67 | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

Jump to this post

SO NICE TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE WITH SIMILAR ISSUES. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING REPLY. MOST DAYS I FEEL LIKE I AM ON THE VERGE OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK. FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS WHEN I TOOK 1 MG OF PRESCRIBED XANAX THE SYMPTIOMS ALMOST DISAPPEAR .

REPLY
Moderator
Lisa Lucier, Moderator | @lisalucier | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

Jump to this post

Hi, @donny67. I'm sorry your anxiety has been so hard.

Additionally, just wanted to mention that we discourage the use of ALL CAPS for writing messages, since it is considered shouting in online communication. I'd just recommend turning the all caps off. See the community guidelines here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/community-guidelines/

Talk soon.

REPLY
Moderator
Lisa Lucier, Moderator | @lisalucier | Feb 23, 2018
In reply to @jimhd "I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole..." + (show)
@jimhd

I found myself in a dark place I'd never been 12 years ago, a deep hole of depression and suicide. It was a tortuous climb out, that took several years. I lived on the edge of the hole for some time after, and sometimes I find myself back close to the edge again. Such was the case a year ago. I think I had started into the hole, and really didn't want to live. There hadn't been a therapist available to me for 18 months, though if the director of the behavioral health department at the main hospital had seen me, I might have been able to get an appointment with him, even though it's an hour drive. I had to see him for a required evaluation for a spinal cord stimulator implant, and I kind of came apart in his office. I'd had to wait for 3 months to get that appointment. What he saw concerned him but he was booked three weeks out. That's a long time for someone in my condition to wait. But I made it for six weeks until a therapist finally came to my town. I know he saved my life.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I've been feeling times of sadness lately, which is something fairly new, and I haven't figured out how to deal with them. The therapist told me today that depression tends to suppress emotions, so when we feel one, or I should say, when I feel one, I don't know what to do with it. It's been a long time since I have felt anything.

Jim

Jump to this post

Hi, @desirea -- what you said about not feeling anything and not being able to cry made me think of another discussion in the Mental Health group here that you may want to check out: http://mayocl.in/2HCENXT

Do you still experience highs/joys with the medications you are taking?

REPLY
Lorraine | @desirea | Feb 23, 2018

Hi @lisalucier No I don't feel much joy. In fact my depression seems to be getting worse. I think I need to take more Cymbalta or take something else with it. Also having a lot of negative thoughts.Physch prescribed Gabapentin which is known to be a happy pill because at that time I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling very suicidal.. since taking them I don't wake up like that anymore. Thank You for the discussion you sent. I will look into it.

Lorraine

REPLY
Parus | @parus | Feb 23, 2018

@desirea Glad to know the gabapentin helps you with this.

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