Long-term depression

Posted by seeker70 @seeker70, Oct 11, 2017

I have been depressed, when I think about it, since I was a kid (I”m a senior now!) I have been treated off and on with meds and minimal talk therapy, but nothing changes. In the past it has been underlying but as I grow older it is becoming more intense. People ask: ‘why are you depressed? I never get depressed, just get a better attitude’. Or they don’t hear my (probably passive-aggressive) cries for help. Or they say: ‘what do you have to be depressed about?’ Actually although I agree with these opinions to a certain extent, it does not address the problem that depression is not a ‘why’, not is it a ‘choice’. It’s almost like being gay, you just are. Maybe I should just accept it (guess that’s what I have done for decades 🙂 But I don’t want to. I want to feel better now. Earlier in my life I was able to enjoy things, although the depression would keep popping out. But now I seem to have trouble enjoying anything, including my own family, and it’s harder and harder to ‘push depression down’ once it’s popped. So I have longer periods of depression and sadness and sleeplessness and lonliness, an shorter periods of being able to enjoy my life. Or want something. Or look forward to anything. I will say too that I have as much to be happy about as I do to be unhappy – but as I said, it’s not a ‘why’. I’m looking for people to explore this idea, and to help each other begin to overcome. Or maybe it’s just me and there’s no one else who feels this way — 😉 Thank you for reading all this.

@johnsonk

@parus While Im not all that old, I feel old and useless. Long distance significant other that doesn't need me, no children, feel unwanted and useless at work, cant care about anything long enough to have a real hobby, family lives 5 hrs away, number of true friends countable on one hand, etc. Talk therapy doesn't work anymore. Really the only thing that keeps me going is my dog and a couple of friends. I know how you feel…

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@ladybugmg Just by knowing someone else understands. I am 66 and seems I wore my body out being a people pleasing person. Looking back I can see that I was a fool thinking such behavior would mean friends. The world is full of users and abusers. There are also a lot of folks whom are not. At 65 I finally learned I can say "no" without giving a reason. Thankful for this lesson learned. If wishes were horses beggars would ride. Thank you for some sunshine.

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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@ladybugmg You cant, no one can. That's the most difficult part, maybe I just have to wait or maybe I need to stop looking. Maybe it will never fully arrive but Im hopeful to at least obtain a modicum of peace at some point in this lifetime. Im happy to know you have found what works for you.

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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I realize there are no easy answers and hope you did not think I was being glib. One of my interests is current brain imaging/research that is reported on the Internet and there is and some evidence that a certain part of the brain is responsible for the occurence of depression. Let us hope they find a solution soon.

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If I have brought you some sunshine, you have made my day!

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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I am all for that!! I feel so weak because the depression is not manageable. I ought to be strong enough to conquer this darkness. Still trudging on even if only in place.

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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@johnsonk I understand this feeling of dread. T'would be nice to have this cloud magically vanish.

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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Could it be that some of us try too hard? Possibly I do not even know what it is I am striving for and continue to do so…Does this mean I will cease the journey? No. I have made it thus far and realize my companion is depression. Is what it is. Somethings cannot be changed or fixed, but can be tolerable even if on a low level. I do know what those depression meds did to me and as much as I do not enjoy depression the side effects made the depression much worse and did dreadful things to my mind. Thankful to not be taking them. Mayhap one day there will be one that will help others and myself.

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CBD helps me a little with depression

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@parus

Long term depression is nothing more than a death sentence. The constant battle is never ending. There are no solutions for some. Reality is all there is for some. DNA cannot be a battle that can be won for some. we all do the best we know how. There is no denying genetics.

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Are you open to Meditation ? If it does't do anything else it will rest your thinking while you do it. It takes time tolp us but it can be helpful !

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How old are you that you say your old ?

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YOU ARE NOT ALONE ! HAVE YOU TRIED EXERSISE ? JUST A SIMPLE 10 MIN WALK CAN HELP !

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@johnsonk

@parus While Im not all that old, I feel old and useless. Long distance significant other that doesn't need me, no children, feel unwanted and useless at work, cant care about anything long enough to have a real hobby, family lives 5 hrs away, number of true friends countable on one hand, etc. Talk therapy doesn't work anymore. Really the only thing that keeps me going is my dog and a couple of friends. I know how you feel…

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@parus I'm sorry that you don't let your children know how you're feeling. I have a hunch that may be why you feel lonely and useless. When others are only allowed (by us) to see only our faked smile or acted good will, we will feel hollow and invisible. That's because others don't know who we really are. The fear is always that if they really knew, they might not love or accept the feelings we have. Many of us live our lives being invisible to those around us because we have learned that we shouldn't be a burden to them. Sharing our feelings with others isn't necessarily a burden for them.

My experience is that in many ways you are "cheating" your family out of the opportunity to know you deeply and to help you. A few years ago my stepson was very upset when he found his mother in the shower where she had died. She had been dead for 3 days. She never told him that she had congestive heart failure and her doctor had told her she had about 18 months to live. She moved from California to Virginia to be with her son, his wife and grandson until she died. No one knew why she moved suddenly at the age of 56. Following her death my stepson was very angry that she hadn't told him. He said he would have spent more time with her and not resented her "butting into" his life suddenly as he had done. He felt cheated out of knowing who she really was. He still carries that burden. I'm sure if his mother had known how not letting him in on her illness would end up making him feel, she would have done things differently.

I will even go so far as to suggest that perhaps one of the reasons you feel depressed is because you haven't let others close to you see and know the real person you are. You may believe they won't accept you as you are. So, they only know the "act" you let them see. I did that in the past, and I was very depressed. It wasn't until I was willing to be vulnerable and let others into my world that I began to heal. I did this with the help of my talk therapist.

I hope there will be something that will help you find the ladder to climb out of the deep hole you talk about being in. You are right that there is no reward for taking care of others, except for the feelings of love and satisfaction you generate from doing a kindness for another person. That is the only reward, and you are the one who gives that to you. I have found that I must BRING happiness with me to situations; I can't expect to GET happiness from them. So, now I only do things for others that I feel good about doing and I have no expectations about being rewarded for any good I may have done.

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@johnsonk

@parus While Im not all that old, I feel old and useless. Long distance significant other that doesn't need me, no children, feel unwanted and useless at work, cant care about anything long enough to have a real hobby, family lives 5 hrs away, number of true friends countable on one hand, etc. Talk therapy doesn't work anymore. Really the only thing that keeps me going is my dog and a couple of friends. I know how you feel…

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@gailb You make some good points about sharing our pain with others. We are all wired differently and for some of us "baring our souls" can seem like a frightful experience (although it is cathartic and leads to healing).

For many, this Connect group offers anonymity. We can be open and share. It allows us to "test the waters" of being vulnerable and see what happens. I'm just wondering how many people share here on Connect for that very reason.

Teresa

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@johnsonk

@parus While Im not all that old, I feel old and useless. Long distance significant other that doesn't need me, no children, feel unwanted and useless at work, cant care about anything long enough to have a real hobby, family lives 5 hrs away, number of true friends countable on one hand, etc. Talk therapy doesn't work anymore. Really the only thing that keeps me going is my dog and a couple of friends. I know how you feel…

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@gailb I learned the hard way to not others know how I feel. I received the negative feedback and asking for help long ago pretty much destroyed my life. So much of the truth I did not know and no family wants or need to know. I tried to explain the fibromyalgia thing and was accused of making excuses, feeling sorry for myself, etc-no way will I mention depression nor any thing other than the Elizabeth Barrett Browning Tra-la-la attitude. I am not one to go places with a sad hound dog look. I put on a happy face as I don't want anyone else knowing the darkness within. As to family-there is nothing any family member can do and I am NOT my family's responsibility. I spend time with the grand children when I can or when needed to hold the fort and I enjoy doing so.
I read your words and I do take happiness where I go. No one else can make me happy. Happiness comes from within. As to being vulnerable? No more. When I do things for others I am NOT looking for rewards. I have learned I have to use caution because I was being too vulnerable and others used me. Took me a long time to realize that people pleasing is an emotional death sentence.
Even the therapist was out of suggestions-I even failed at therapy. Doesn't get much worse.
When others see the real person they think they seeing they start asking me to do art work for them because I am a friend. I do live surrounded my neighbors that will be users. Got tired of the materialistic needs of others-I did not take them to raise!!
Dismounting soapbox. Most of the time being a recluse is far safer. I do this by choice. When it comes to my adult children I will help if they need it. I am thankful they are all doing well enough. they also grew up in abuse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

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@donny67

How old are you that you say your old ?

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77

Liked by Parus

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