I dropped out for awhile

I too still suffer with LC. I don’t talk about all the ailments anymore, just accept this is me now :/
I have arythmia, shortness of breath, very bad fatigue some days, there is so much inflammation in my body. I also get heart flutters on and off, my temperature fluctuates.
I hear and see you. We will be ok💕

Hey @diverdown1. Welcome back to the fold! You’ve been missed. And kudos to the wonderful person who replied to you that sparked your return.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been in this overwhelming funk and in the ‘depths of despair’. I’m fond of that phrase. Though of course it isn’t just a phrase when one is living through it. I still ‘own the shirt’ from one of my wretched periods. But we humans or super humans, have the ability to claw our way back to the surface!

I’m rewatching Anne of Green Gables for the umteenth time over many decades. She often uses “depths of despair” to describe her melancholy during her teen years. Huh. A far cry from the reality of adulthood, debilitating, chronic illnesses, a world filled with insanity, and loneliness that can come with a change in health. Considering what you’ve been through and are now coping with and still possessing the drive to complete your graduate degree, you have an incredible spirit of endurance! That says a lot about you and your tenacity!
For you, covid caused an abrupt and enormous change in everything that was predictable. You’ve had to completely reinvent yourself, your daily life patterns changed, you’ve changed…and for that there is a period of mourning. Nothing is the same. So, my dear, you are admirable in your perseverance to continue your education and to come out a victor on the other side.

Congrats on getting your graduate degree in a couple of months! The finish line is near!! If you don’t mind sharing, what is your area of study?

I get it! (also, I got it LC heart problrms). If we were meant to be happy, then it would be our default state to where we return after being sad or depressed.
Instead, our base (default) state is low (call it depression) to which we return after being happy.
Why did our founding fathers include PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS as important as Life and Liberty?
Happiness is not a given. We are in the existential challenge of having to MAKE happiness, by our thoughts, words, and actions. We develop by doing this.
It is so subjective, based in part on what has meaning. Pictures of your family and kids (or boat) make YOU happy, but not so much to those to whom you're showing the pictures!
Stuff will happen over which we have NO CONTROL (like concentration camps?), except, as Viktor Frankl held, how we think about it,; and what we do about it. He found meaning in helping others. Maybe not happy, but there being MEANING IN LIFE got him through.
Instead of expending energy oscillating between sadness and euphoria (thank you Billy Joel), accept that it's all relative on a continuum, and there is no happiness unless there is also sadness. With that acceptance, we can find peace, which is more enduring than happiness
(Crazy Rich Asians movie).
This is not meant as a "Get over it, or snap out of it." Depression is real and painful. But it's in how we deal with it. 💌

Welcome back, I too noticed that you haven’t been around for a while, I’m sorry that LC is taking such a toll on your health, it’s truly a sinister virus. I’m sure you will get back your life soon, you have the determination and brains to fight back, here’s to moving forward, amen 🙏

@loribmt Thank you for the kind and honest words. I am working on my clinical Master of Social Work. I truly think that trauma plays a part in so many autoimmune diseases, I can only speak for myself. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict of over 8 years. I had turned my life around. My father, a diagnosed NPD, had remarried after almost destroying my mother. His wife called me, who I met one time, in the Fall of 2021 to tell me that he wasn't doing well. I went to visit and was told he had heart failure and dementia. So that journey led me to go on the weekends to a house that was not my own but I love(d) my dad and forgave him as he was a product of his childhood. All that to say, she was emotionally abusive to me. He went downhill quickly and I spent the last 10 days of his life with him, essentially his hospice nurse, administering morphine and just making sure he was comfortable. I was with him when he died. He died in 10/21, a day before his 80th birthday. I was also at a very stressful job that was chaotic and really ethically problematic. Please remember that I am newly sober (about 2 years) which sounds like a lot, but I got sober at 47, so learning to live sober was and is a crazy journey. Then, I had to move out of my house. My partner of 28 years, also an alcoholic, would not stop drinking. I tried and tried to help him. He was just one that could not do it. I found him dead in our house in December of 2023. So, I believe my body's immune system, cortisol, fight, flight was ever present. I think that is a big part of why I got so sick. I know it is a real virus and I do not want anyone to think I am saying otherwise. I also know that trauma, complex trauma over so many years affects not only the mind, but the body as well. AA says, learn to live life on life's terms. I am still trying to figure that out and I am pretty sure that I am not alone. I work with a therapist weekly and have for several years. I want to work with other people with substance use disorder and mental illness's. That is what I know from my own experience. I want to also say that I have reached out to the director of the Social Work department to tell them about my experience with this virus. I have yet to learn or have any class that has addressed living with an illness like this. I believe we can all be advocates. I have and will post some sites that are working with doctors and doing research on LC. I hope I did not write too much. If feels good to be able to vent. I am terrified at times, especially being so close. I have a field placement, however I feel terrible most mornings. The students with disabilities at the University has been so good to me, as well as my Professors. I have been transparent with them. Life is hard. Life is hard when one feels good. I have to try and remain in the moment because if I don't, my mind will spin into a freak out panic about "how in the hell am I going to make it..." As I said before, I am grateful for everyone on here.

Congratulations on your graduation. I certainly understand the isolation, as no one understands except for people experiencing it. I am moving across the country for a new job, since I have to keep working to keep my health benefits and every day I wonder how I will get through it. I wish I could offer some help, but just know that you are not alone. Gentle hugs.

@shmerdloff Thank you for that. I agree with some of what you said. Happiness is not a place, or a goal or a "hey, I am now happy." It is a spectrum, a journey. moments in time. If you ascribe to Eastern thought, it is the present moment. Also, I love your question about "the Pursuit of Happiness," and as you said, everything is subjective. Some people (psychopaths) are happy killing someone. As everything is subjective, it is almost impossible to know what someone else believes except in their actions. This is one of my favorite quotes...
Flow with whatever may happen
and let your mind be free;
Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.
This is the ultimate.

-Chuang Tsu

I do believe we are all connected on a level that is not visible and I mean everything is connected in the Universe. This gives me peace in times when I am freaking out. I also believe and want to say that there is a big difference in depression, sadness, and hopelessness, the latter being brutal. Gratitude also helps me get out of the hole. I am okay at this moment. I may not feel good, but I have shelter, food, water, a car, my 2 dogs and 2 cats and I know that things could be much worse. I also agree that EVERYTHING is on a spectrum. Black and white thinking does no good, and I fight that. I need to find the gray (thanks Grateful Dead) See what I did there? I appreciate your post. It made me smile and challenged this brain to think. Acceptance is key in situations that I am unable to control. AA taught me that gem and honestly the only absolute truth in this life is "change."

@diverdown1 I'm sorry to hear of your trauma history. I have cptsd (diagnosed years before I got covid) and I will say that my mental health has declined since I got covid 6 years ago due to depression over not being able to live and work the way I used to. Everything is a struggle. Please know that you have support here. It's amazing that you're still working on your degree. I'm still working to keep my insurance. I wish I could retire early, but that is not financially feasible. You have endured a lot, so give yourself some grace and compassion for still showing up and for pursuing a degree that will help others. I, too, am in the helping profession with a specialty in trauma-informed care, so I can relate in many ways to your struggles. Take gentle care of yourself. I've got movers coming on Friday and I'm only able to pack a couple boxes at a time. Fortunately I have an understanding spouse, but I do fear that he is going to get tired of dealing with my long covid and mental health issues. I do suspect that for those of us with trauma history and mental health issues covid certainly has exacerbated them, at least for me. I recently filled out my Johns Hopkins long covid study survey (in the hopes that research will help others someday, even though I think it's too late for me) and that always depresses me to see how in 6 years I have not improved and doubt I ever will at this point. Hang in there Sadly, there are many of us who empathize and understand the ravages of this illness.

I’m sorry you’re suffering with LC. I too suffer from Long Covid and when I say suffer, I lost my taste and smell in December of 2022 when I caught Covid and it’s still not back. I also had several other symptoms of Long Covid that have dissipated like horrible body tremors, stuttering, bad headaches, fatigue, heart palpitations and loss of taste and smell. To help with body tremors, I had 7 Stellate Ganglion Block injections over a period of time. The 7th one took my body tremors way down and I only experience them if I am stressed or anxious. I’m hoping my taste/smell will return because existing like this is quite dull. I may be leaving the Group for a while as well, it can be depressing and I have enough of that on my own!

@shmerdloff This was in one of my daily readings this morning. Thought of you.

When we are no longer able to change a situation- we are challenged to change ourselves.
~ Viktor E. Frankl