How do you deal with a spouse who refuses to do therapy?

Posted by tazcat @tazcat, Aug 26 2:57pm

How do you deal with a spouse who refuses to do therapy? My husband had a stroke 4 months ago , wouldn’t do therapy in rehab and does very little therapy with in home therapists. He is in a hospital bed and needs a tilt wheelchair. He can move his arms and legs , but refuses to exercise and get stronger.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

tazcat | @tazcat | Aug 27 9:16pm

In reply to @strokesurvivordynamo "@tazcat it sounds like you’re doing all the right things! Your husband is very fortunate to..." + (show)

I try to not ever use those “ I told you so “ words. I also always try to explain why I am trying to get him to do something, I can’t say I am 100 percent at it but I do try. I also alway try to make him feel useful. He use to be the main cook in our home because he was very good at it and I hate it. I have to do the cooking now , but I try to include him by asking his simple things about the recipe I am using. He seems to remember quite a bit about cooking. I do know the recipe but it includes him if I ask for his “ advice “ on the recipe, cook times, temp , spices etc.
He is not walking for now , so I use an electric peddle exerciser to keep the circulation in his legs and feet.
I will definitely go to the 2 sites you posted. I can always use suggestions to try and help him . Thank you so much

slowrunner1 | @slowrunner1 | Sep 1 8:32pm

You are extraordinary, would that all who suffer have such support. Therapy with a capital P or O can be a pain, a burden, or even experienced as a forced obligation. On the other hand, anything done IS therapy. Talking, reading, turning pages, drinking through a straw and on and on. I hated my Bozo the clown suportive velcro fastened shoes. I don't remember how many tries it took before I tied a bow in my old running shoes, but I did. Bozo begone! I wanted to cut my own pancake, scissors worked, and then followed in due time butter with a knife (dull) and syrup. Little steps, but they add up. Sure, I walk like a drunk, but I walk. Help when neccessary(I hate to ask, but I do). Memory, speech, do it the best you can, but do it I would not be here except for the help and encouragement of my bride for 63 years .

Lisa Lucier, Moderator | @lisalucier | Sep 8 8:28am

In reply to @tazcat "I try to not ever use those “ I told you so “ words. I also..." + (show)

@tazcat - how are things going lately with your husband and his therapy?

tazcat | @tazcat | Sep 8 10:54am

In reply to @lisalucier "@tazcat - how are things going lately with your husband and his therapy?" + (show)

Not bad. I am trying to work on his cognitive abilities by asking him to spell random words or ask questions about cooking. He is differentiating words that sound alike but are spelled different pretty well….such as hair and hare….piece and peace. He still doesn’t like exercise , so I have to make it “ fun” and not look like exercise. His attitude is getting perkier. So I would say all that is a plus. Thanks for asking .

tevadog | @tevadog | Sep 9 11:26pm

My sister at 80 has been a caretaker for our two parents now passed and her 92 year old husband who needs 24 hour care. Her years married has been challenging as a pleaser and caretaker. She wont go to a group. And dipped her foot into therapy, which helped for the modt part. She has such anxiety worried each day he will not wake up. They have the money but he doesn't want it and she doesn't see the need. But her stress level is not healthy. I know there is nothing I can do...is there? Ps, her husband and I dont get along, from the first day I met him. Over 60 years he has been miserable, as a dry alcoholic, tho generous with money. I feel so sorry for her and she lives far away. But now we are unable to connect. She has had much trauma but she thinks it not worth learning about it. I feel I have to pull back to take care of my own challenges. I have a great therapist.

tevadog | @tevadog | Sep 9 11:32pm

Edit above. My sister's husband WILL NOT ALLOW SOMEONE TO HELP OUT and she thinks she can do it herself.

gravity3 | @gravity3 | Sep 11 12:06am

In reply to @naturegirl5 "@tazcat Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. It must be heartbreaking for you that your husband had..." + (show)

I would add that you may need a support group. Perhaps you local medical facility has a social worker who can give you resources. Senior centers often have caregiver support groups

Lisa Lucier, Moderator | @lisalucier | Sep 30 10:27am

In reply to @strokesurvivordynamo "Hi @tazcat - it’s really difficult when we forget and it’s hard when we hear “I..." + (show)

Hi @strokesurvivordynamo - I really like your concept of recovery being a journey and not a destination. I'm currently seeing the "destination" mindset being harmful to a family member who recently had orthopedic surgery.

Wondering how you are doing lately?

strokesurvivordynamo | @strokesurvivordynamo | Sep 30 11:42am

In reply to @lisalucier "Hi @strokesurvivordynamo - I really like your concept of recovery being a journey and not a..." + (show)

@lisalucier I'm almost 10-years into this brain injury journey and 80% recovered. I feel fortunate for every day I'm here. Failing to hit that "recovered" goal post is tough. It took me 5-years to realize that recovery after a brain injury is a journey and NOT a destination. My deficits are invisible and mostly cognitive - executive function, brain processing speed, central auditory processing difficulties, and when I'm tired my balance takes a hit and my post trauma vision syndrome symptoms flare.

Now, from an ortho surgery perspective, because I'm about to embark on one - I'm expecting a recovery goal post. So I do think it's different. Most ortho surgeries do have expected dates and milestones to hit. Brain injuries don't fall in that category because every stroke is like a snowflake and no two are the same.