* High anxiety and depression *

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

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Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

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Hi Georgette ..... thank you so much for your note .... it really helps to know I'm not alone in this struggle. Actually, I'm leaving Tues. AM for Frederick... I have an appointment with my therapist at 11 (been seeing him for 12 years) and my Psychiatrist at 1 PM .... that's usually only about 20 minutes as he Rx's the meds. My Oral Surgeon talked with me the other day .... guess he could tell I wasn't my usual "sassy" self. He asked me what had been going on before I moved down here and since. Well, after I told him, he just looked at me and said, "and you wonder why you feel so depressed and unsettled?" He was right, and I knew it - in my head. When I got home I called my closest girlfriend in Frederick and she pretty much said the same thing .... and has been for months. It's true, 4 years ago I had a total knee replacement .... somehow it never felt like it should .... I'd been in PT 2x, several shots into the knee of Synvisc, and then my Ortho. Surgeon went in arthroscopically and cleaned out the scar tissue. Well, 2 years ago I had to have a revision - meaning they go back in and replace the whole piece, except the posts that go down the tibia and up the femur are longer. Went back to P.T. and this time it is wonderful. I went to rehab. for about 4 days and then home to my condo - 2nd floor - and I was totally alone. Everything that had to be done I had to do. All through this my girls were hounding me to move down here ..... I resisted ... I was happy on my own, felt free and independent for the first time ...... about 8 years before my husband and I got divorced after 40 years .... he has a personality disorder - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing I or anyone else said or did would convince him that he needed to look at his part in our difficulties. Finally, one day I was seeing my therapist and I was in awful shape ..... he said to me, "you need to either get out of that house this weekend, or I'm going to have to have you admitted to Brook Lane" .... that is a private Psychiatric Hospital outside of Frederick. Just the week before, a girlfriend from my church, right out of the blue said to me, "if you would like a place to stay, the upstairs of my house is empty and you're more than welcome to rent it." And then, following that came the comment from my therapist. Well, I knew this was God's Hand, so during that weekend I took my clothing and the items I needed - furniture was already there - and took it over to her house in my car. I told my then-husband what I was doing (not where I was going), continuing to hope he would plead with me not to leave. He said nothing, but, "you don't have to do this, you know." I just looked at him and said "yes I do." Just prior to my leaving, my father died of Alzheimer's .... my mother had been dead for about 20 years .... she was an alcoholic, and being an only child it was mine to take care of my Dad. Living about 3-4 hours away, I went up every weekend to check on him .... that was after he finally had to go to a nursing home. The strain on me was huge, although I didn't realize it. In the typical only child fashion I said, "well, you just do what you have to do," not giving any thought as to the toll it was taking on me. When Dad died, I had made all the arrangements about a year before, and I went up to the town where he lived. I wanted to see him ... they said, "oh, he's not ready yet." I looked at them and said, "I want to see my father." They brought him out on this cold metal liter and there lie the shell of the man he once was, cold as ice, frail as silk. I kissed him and left. The next day I took his clothing over that he was to be buried in. The undertaker (whom I graduated with!) said that if I wanted anyone with me when I came the next day (I was to view the body, and close the casket), to let him know and we could change the time. I called my husband and asked if he would come up ..... to which he said, "no, I want to remember him as I last saw him." I was too numb to respond. One great thing about all that was I reconnected with a girlfriend I went to Business College with and we've been close ever since.
So (and I'm sorry this is so very long), I stayed with my girlfriend in her upstairs for about 2 years and then got my condo. For the first time in my life I felt good, free, not being corrected and directed as narcissists do. It was wonderful. I was there 12 years.
Then I moved down here and it's been very hard .... I am a real "nester" and I like to make a place my own. I never did here because I wanted to go back to Frederick. Well, I needed dentures, so I started that long haul, last July. My teeth were terrible, and the roots had demineralized so every tooth the Oral Surgeon took out required surgical removal deep down of the shards of bone. I've been living on soft foods, or foods put through a food processor since July.
Well, all the cutting is over and once all the areas are healed I will get an impression taken and permanent dentures made. I look totally bizarre .... I have the 2 bottom canine teeth yet and he's going to anchor the bottom bridge onto them, and then the top will be a whole denture. I should change my name to "fang."
And now I'm trying to find a new place to live down here ..... NOT in the town I'm in. It must be less expensive than this one, that's why my son and I and daughters have been applying to low income places. It's doubtful I'll get in, so my son has made a list of other apartments about 20 miles from here that are less expensive. My dear friend from PA told me when I do get in a new place, she will come down and help me decorate and make my "nest." I want it to have a "beach-y" feel.....light and airy. So, that's part of the whole mess ..... I love spending time with my girls and my son when he comes over - he lives in Alexandria, VA and I'm in Harrisonburg, and if I left and went back to Frederick, I know I would miss them. So I will stay, find another less expensive place and make it my "nest."
Depression and anxiety have been my constant "companion" since I was a young teen, but of course back then I didn't know what was wrong, and you never said a word about feeling sad ...... at least not in my parents' home. They were always drunk, but I was supposed to always be happy.
So, I do keep in touch with both my Psychologist and Psychiatrist between visits, so they know, and I will be seeing both of them Tuesday.
I am so sorry this is such a long epistle ..... I feel you must be half blinded by now. I'm sorry. But it feels good to know you know exactly what I'm talking about when I talk about Cyclothymia - Bipolar II ..... I rarely if ever have a "high" ..... I'm always either flat lined or depressed.
Thank you my friend, and again ..... I'm so sorry this is so long.
abby

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