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Guilty Pleasures
Psalm 32:7 says: “You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Was the author of this passage addressing dementia caregiver, too? I would like to think so: Surely, the presence of "the Lord" or some other higher power is working through this incredible support group.
Many of us start our mornings by checking new postings in this forum. Sometimes, George will call me a dozen times before I get a chance to scroll through the headings--or to finish composing a post.
Consequently, I feel guilty about not giving him my undivided attention. So when he calls and asks what I'm doing, I tell him that I am looking at my "Mayo porn"--one of my guilty pleasures ("guilty" because I'm enjoying myself without his participation and because I should be more attentive to him--or be doing chores, like beginning the process of döstädning).
The other guilty pleasure is my glass or two of wine every evening, and occasionally, a martini. My "happy" hour--but it's without George because he can't mix alcohol with his meds.
For me, a guilty pleasure is a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's a notch above self-care, because indulgence can create a sense of fun--real or imagined.
You don't have to share your guilty pleasures, if you wish to keep them private.
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I think it's a great idea to have these.
The only problem I see is with feeling guilty.
Do what you gotta do. You're doing a thankless, difficult, draining, virtually endless job, and whatever helps keep you going is nothing to feel guilty about.
Cheers!
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12 ReactionsGuilty pleasures? No, never had any of those during my six years of caregiving for my wife. Had pleasures, small ones, but pleasures just the same. Such as the times when my wife was able to finish a full meal without me having to intervene and take over the feeding process - like those rare times when I would get a smile, for doing something funny....OR stupid. Always got pleasure when a whole day passed without being told I was hated, of asked "who are you". Got a lot of pleasure, when I learned that using "sippy cups" was the solution to prevent spilling, and the throwing of liquids on others. I only wish that I could still be enjoying those, and other small pleasure now - instead of facing the complete emptiness of what life has become without the source of those pleasures, pleasures that I accepted without any guilt at all. Best to you, stay strong and take care of yourself.
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11 ReactionsGeorge’s wife, My guilty pleasure is hoping my hubby will sleep in in the mornings (early morning is my quiet time, and I too enjoy reading the Connect to start my day), take a good afternoon nap and go to bed early. I never would have dreamed at this point of my life after 45 years of a good marriage that this would be what I look forward to….😔
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13 ReactionsGuilty pleasure. Reading and responding to posts here. My husband doesn’t know that this website is so important to me because he really doesn’t think that his cognitive issues are significant and that I need a support system.
My pleasures, guilty or not, are having some time to myself in the early morning, exercising, going to my painting studio, seeing friends or talking to them on the phone, getting an occasional mani/pedi, watching a good TV show after dinner with my hubbie and reading.
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8 ReactionsI'm in favor of "guilty" pleasures, but without the guilt. Taking care of one's self is crucial if you're to be an effective caregiver. Burnout is real and no one else is going to take better care of our loved ones than us. So take care of yourself, too. Without guilt.
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8 ReactionsI agree that we all need our pleasures and I have mine without any guilt because I know caregiving is draining and anything that I can do to give me pleasure is just what I need. Tending my garden restores my soul. This morning while my husband was still sleeping ( he sleeps virtually all day now) I was out in the front up on a ladder trimming some trees along the driveway. I am getting our home ready for a wedding reception fiesta in our backyard in October for my daughter and her fiancé. My family is so big that not everyone could be invited to the actual wedding in September in Mammoth Lakes, CA where they live. Also it is in the Sierra Nevada mountains at 8,000 feet and is difficult to get to unless you drive. Not an option for some of the older relatives. I also have been sewing since I was a child and am busy making my dress for the wedding and also my daughter's veil. For me keeping busy with projects that have an end result-usually good- gives me a sense of control over part of my life. I have no control over my husband's dementia and really can't know that the future will bring so I try to find something to be grateful for each day and that works for me.
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8 Reactions@grandmajoan
I think we could all use some art therapy, if you don't mind attaching a photo of your paintings. Thanks!
🎨 🖌
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2 ReactionsNot guilty. After I drop him at dialysis, three days each week, I enjoy a a coffee drink on the way home. While he’s all day getting blood transfusions each week to ten days, I go home to sleep before taking lunch to him, then sometimes sleep during the afternoon before picking him up around 5 p.m.
Retail therapy, every week or so I buy new clothing, stroll around the shopping center; I gift a lot of clothing to donation places for girls and women. Any time remaining while he’s in treatment, I clean house for exercise, then float in the pool.
When family is visiting I let them answer the constant questions that require repeating over and over and over. I’ve been repeating things because of his memory loss for over five years.
My Apple watch says I get 6 hours of sleep average each night. Daytime sleep and a little relax time makes up for it. Still tired all the time, every day. No guilt for anything at all.
This life is not easy - I recommend everyone just stop while the patient is sleeping, take time where you find it, and every meal does not have to be perfectly balanced for the patient. You need every break you can get.
@ocdogmom So nice to read that you are guilt-free. So am I.
Things you mention are also what I enjoy. I learned to sew as a pre-teen, still do that, sometimes on my mom’s old Singer featherweight, not fancy. A couple weeks ago I got out the chain saw and trimmed branches hanging over the driveway. My tomato plants are three feet tall - impressive. I tend my flowers and keep my little pool clean.
You’re right, it’s a sense of control of the environment when so many other things are impossible to fix. My husband has blood cancer, is kept alive with blood transfusions after five kinds of failed treatment; no kidneys because of renal cell cancer and tumors; has had memory loss for nearly ten years, and dementia for about five years.
Life is ok, but it’s not easy! Take time for yourself when you can; so nice to hear from someone who is managing a difficult time.
Fred so sorry for your loss. I know I will feel the same way. I complain about the caregiving (try not to constantly complain) but know I will be very sad to say a final goodbye. Daily it seems as if we say goodbye to part of our loved ones as the memory continues to fade. I do not want to continue to watch this slow deteriation, either. My husband sleeps for usually and hour or two after breakfast. I used to take that time to clean or organize and now I take that time for me. I read, work on a puzzle or watch adventures via YouTube. Sometimes I sleep a bit, too. I also struggle with being tired and really think that is just part of being a caregiver and the stress that comes with it. I set my alarm early so I can enjoy coffee soley for an hour or so before he wakes up. I watch as the sky changes colors and the sunrise. Too busy in the evening to enjoy the sunset.