Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

@afrobin- I think that you are talking about extremes. I believe that some of us are simply saying that a bit of appreciation and concern is an appropriate response be an adult child. I also think that not saying thank you for gifts is inappropriate behavior for an adult child. I am not talking about adult children with severe mental health problems.
When I fly to visit my son, who lives on the opposite coast from me he picks me up. He lives about 3/4 hr away and unless my husband and I rent a car I expect him to do this. I do not feel that he is burdened by this, nor does he.
I think that when our kids have kids their thoughts should be with their kids and what's best for them. If a child has trouble sleeping then interrupting a nap might not be the best idea. Some kids adapt very well to being woken up and taken anywhere, some don't. When I was a young mother I really hated to wake my son up, for anything. I missed doing things and felt selfish sometimes but that's what I did.
Perhaps we need to make alternate plans if our children can't make it to pick us up, take us to an appointment, or whatever. If I lived alone and my son lived near me then I would not hesitate to ask him to help me out. I do feel like a pain when I have to rely on anyone, but that's what mine does. I think that there is a difference between being a burden and being a part of a family.

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@654321 Yes, it has been a wonderful day! Started out with the duldrums and feeling better now thanks to all of the cyber friends. Yeah team!!

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@kdo0827 I can understand in many ways how it can feel frustrating when you are trying. I don’t believe anyone is invalidating your efforts. I hear you on needing some help. Being presented with a long list of suggestions can be overwhelming. I have times I just cannot get motivated. I ponder things I enjoy, things I need to do-still nothing inspires me to do anything. I am not lazy and get upset with myself when I lack the energy to find even one teeny-tiny reason to move. This is where I want to scream because nothing seems to work. We are here to share the good, the bad and the ugly and lend a hand where we can. You are here telling us about how it is and that is a start. At times nothing seems to help and it is NOT because we are wallowing in self pity. I hope I made some sense.

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@afrobin- I agree with much of your suggestions, but your word burden sticks in my craw. I get that we can all become a burden using your word at times to our children or even spouse, but if you continue to let that word take on more power in our lives, there will be always be a reason to be more selfish rather than selfless. It has already become this way in so many instances in todays live choices. Recently I had a conversation with a dear older friend who now lives in the local retirement community and he told me how many of the residents don't even have family that visits them. I'm a fan of still having our loved ones come to live with us as long as we can take care of them, and I realize that is often not possible for everyone, but lets all reconsider the word burden especially when we think of our loved ones.

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@sandicel- Thank you dor you kind words! I'm so glad you have your faithful friend! Nothing like a pet who is often so loyal and shows their affection to us for the simplest things we do or say. I would not be so hard on yourself. I agree with what you say about getting out in the morning or at least sometime during the day. We make the choice each day to pull out a new canvas and lay down the beginnnings of the first brush strokes of our new day. Start with what I can be thankful for which can simply be a new sunrise? Today I choose.... May God replace your pain with Joy in this New Year! Jim @thankful

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@parus I love your attitude! So upbeat! Need to work on mine!

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I absolutely agree that we should try and create a full life that doesn’t revolve around our children – after all, didn’t someone say that the quickest way to get your child’s attention is to sit down, relax and look comfortable?
But that’s much easier said than done, especially with depression. "Depression" is simply a label which really tells us nothing about the who/what/when/why of depression. There’s no life hack or “10 easy steps” to deal with it; Being “strong” or trying new medication or a new psychiatrist doesn’t make it go away. Each person deals with depression in their own way, and I have to say this – I have deep admiration for all of you for being members on Connect, because it means you’re here to read, to share, to take care of yourself and to help others.

I’ve been blessed with 3 great kids, who are beautiful, decent, responsible (most of the time) people. But, as a mother, I’ve come to realize that it’s an art to raise kids! Having kids can be a joy, a challenge, a pain in the..., a miracle, and it takes tremendous strength to be a parent – and we realize this only when children grow up and no longer depend on us!

The irony is that they are only doing what we’ve taught them to do. We teach them to respect others’ space, to not intrude; we teach them to be assertive, to speak-up; as parents, we impose our need for “readiness” on them, or we try to make sure that they know what they want to do for the rest of their lives...at the age of 18! We tell them to “get a life” and yet we feel replaced, hurt, irrelevant when they are leading their own lives and are adults with their own ideas, or when they tell us they need “space” – instead of saying Thank You – at least I do:)

I’ve (reluctantly) realized that my daughter is no longer fascinated by a graphic description of some event – but perhaps my friends are:) And just because my son doesn’t “check-in” with a text or a phone call regularly, doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me – what’s going on in the college library (or he wants me to believe he’s in the ‘library’) is so much more urgent than what’s going on with his parents!
Now, when I complain about how supportive we’ve been, given them what they need, sacrificed for them, I’ve heard at least one of them mumble “Martyr Alert!!”

When people say, "To understand a parent's love you must raise children yourself,” they may be onto something; I catch myself hoping that someday my children will have lots of kids of their own...who behave exactly like their parents did:)

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I appreciate your honesty, @merpreb. We all have our pouting days😊 Attitude adjustment is something that we all work out in our own way!

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