Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

Sadly, it's been over 3 1/2 years and there has been no improvement in my son.
But I haven't even taken the first step yet...I had plans this month to visit him but he had lots of reasons not to fly out to him.
He is "expected" here for Christmas. I must take that agonizing first step in addressing not "confronting" this situation head on. I believe I have been afraid of losing him, so I held back fully knowing his abuse goes on.
My husband (not his Dad) always wanted us to have a nice Christmas and not to rock the boat with him. At those times, I agreed with him. However, Christmas was always ruined anyway...so I must expect the same for 2025.
I even believe I have been in denial. He lives so far away from me, it's been easy to do that. Our phone contacts are now limited - only thanks to him, not me. He is calling the shots. He will deny, deny, deny and very well might leave immediately and head back home. Once this can of worms is open there is no going back. It will always be there between the 2 of us. From his childhood, he was always so close to me. Since is...but it's much different now. His Dad lives in the south and simply thinks he has a "mental illness" (which he does have too) but I haven't told him about his prescription drug abuse yet. Why? He is basically no help at all. Never really was with him, it was always all me from the get-go. He wants nothing to upset "his" apple-cart.
I am very afraid of this. But I can no longer keep my head in the sand. Once we have this conversation I will tell his father. I will approach my son in a supportive, kind and loving manner...offering to help him in anyway possible. Of course, he will refused because he "doesn't have a problem?"...that is what I am expecting.
Any thoughts from other Moms would be appreciated in how to approach this heart-breaking situation.
I feel it's a lose-lose situation. BUT I will feel better in my mind when I bring it out in the open. After all, this abuse can kill him. Thank you.

@briarrose —This might seem too simplistic, but what if you called a moratorium on any discussion of mental health and treatment?

Discussing it gets you nowhere, and it just increases his anger and suspicion.

On top of his losses, he has now lost his therapist who might have been helping him. I can see why he wouldn’t want to go through that again—and risk losing another one. Ideally, the therapist would have announced her leaving a few months beforehand and would have actively suggested names of other therapists. She could’ve had him make an appt. w/ one to let him “test the waters.” If that one didn’t work out, another could’ve been proposed. Few of them do that. Many therapists don’t understand how important they can become to a patient. Odd, but true.

I doubt that he is a paranoid personality disorder since you state he was different before these losses and was close to you. That’s not the picture of a PPD.

I think what I would do in this situation is keep the lines of communication open. Continue to be his friend as well as his loving mother. I’d write a note on a pretty note card weekly (or at another interval) telling him what was going on with me. It could be just a chatty, short note. Include some jokes or little stories, or pictures or photos that you like. Send him little gifts or baked items—treats you know he loves.

The point of this is to re-establish that you are safe and can provide a safe space. I’m not necessarily suggesting he visit. You might visit him tho’ once this safety has been established. You want to be what others haven’t been: present, unruffled and loving. The message is that you have always been there for him and will always be.

When people suffer major losses, they don’t just suffer from the pain of loss. They are stuck wondering why. That almost always leads to over-examination of what they did wrong, if anything. If he was involved w/ a self-centered person w/ low empathy (narcissistic), those kind of people can be very difficult to extract oneself from, in part because they take little to no responsibility for the rupture and often excessively fault find.
If your son was a giving person who was empathic, he would’ve been a target for narcissists.

@riverbendab it’s been awhile … hoping things might be better for you? I think about my son everyday … I miss him everyday … don’t want to feel like this anymore … what kind of life is this?

My 30yr old son experienced prodromal/1st episode psychosis around 4yrs ago. It runs in my family but sadly UK MH services didn’t listen when he approached for help & he was untreated for around 18months.
Similar to you I am now navigating our new dynamic which is full of suspicion, accusation and him isolating but also not functioning that well, meaning I often need to compromise healthy boundaries and endure his horrible treatment of me to ensure he eats & has his basic needs met.
We used to be so close and he was so loving. He was the funniest person to be around and had so many friends, ran his own business.
I totally understand what you are going through. The sadness is overwhelming sometimes right?

I found out recently that 80% of teenage boys that use Marijuana regularly are highly likely to become schizophrenic later in life.

I wish that was taught in school health classes.

They say marijuana is a gateway drug, but don’t explain that one of the gates that open up is devistating mental health issues later in life.

I have spoken to doctors and police and they all reacted like it is common knowledge!!!

Just not common to the public!!

I believe this is the cause of my son’s issues. He is 36 and is living in a tent downtown in Calgary with temperatures dropping to -20 c. Or lower on the next few months.

I check on him 2-3 times a week and each time after a cold night I feel like I am going to find him frozen to death.

My 30yr old son experienced prodromal/1st episode psychosis around 4yrs ago. It runs in my family but sadly UK MH services didn’t listen when he approached for help & he was untreated for around 18months.
Similar to you I am now navigating our new dynamic which is full of suspicion, accusation and him isolating but also not functioning that well, meaning I often need to compromise healthy boundaries and endure his horrible treatment of me to ensure he eats & has his basic needs met.
We used to be so close and he was so loving. He was the funniest person to be around and had so many friends, ran his own business.
I totally understand what you are going through. The sadness is overwhelming sometimes right?

@bewildered have the doctors tried Confenfy ?
I just saw an add for it on tv.

@bellsback
It has been a few months I think I have not been online.

I have been able to see my son, talk with (or have him talk to me) and give him food, cigarettes and lately he is always asking for $20.
But that is another price I pay to see him and know he is alive.

He did come to stay at my house 2 nights when it got down below -20c. It was not too bad the first night, he just slept. But the second night was getting really tough. Then the morning of the third day he left. Going back to his tent I guess. I work today and tomorrow, so I will check on him Thursday.

I know the money is going to drugs, even though I beg him to use for food. But I just go crazy if start to loose sight of him for too long.

When he was here my husband got to see what I have been dealing with, and agreed I cannot say anything to my son. He will just argue even it is just a small thing. Like the exercises I do with my hands for my arthritis.

@slpdprvd Hang in there. I am in the same boat as my son has had this mental illness since age 21, so over 10 years now! He will do fine on a drug for awhile then relapse with a manic episode and then has to start all over again. I heard that each of these episodes cause brain damage and we have noticed he is not the same friendly smart young man with so much promise that he once was. He is still in hospital now for 2 months and meds not working. It’s all overwhelming and we have no support, The family just ignores it, but then they have always ignored us so we should be used to it. This forum is the only outlet for me where most people understand mental illness is a disease and not just toxic behavior and that ‘call the cops to fix it’ doesn’t work. Some days I feel I can’t go on. Have you tried NAMI? I was thinking about reaching out to them, just have felt too low to do it. I don’t know what to do.