Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

I can feel your every word and weep with you. I know what its like, my beautiful son was also a certified genius, got the highest math score in the state of Illinois when he took SATS at age 11, a math science mind that wanted to be a composer, could have gone to Julliard, but chose Berkelee Acadame of Music, straight As in 8 classes, doing a double major when he had a breakdown, but all of that was nothing compared to his angelic heart.
If you ask me around that time I would have thought we'd all be better off dead, and they said my sons prognosis was severe and poor.
But, both of us, we wanted to live.
All you can do is let your son know that you love him, and however politically incorrect it is, let him know you need him to get well for you, that you cant truly be happy or well without knowing he is happy. My second son told me when he realized that, he cried his eyes out and fought like he'll to get well.
Remind him of the simplest good things he's missing out on him, and be specific with details if you want, write him the honest truth...what do you have to lose?
Let go of your fear. And get back to the real you that isn't afraid to love him with the truth. And you may be wrong about what you think is right for him, I would tell him that. I told my kids, I am not able to fix or change you or your life, your addiction or your illness, and this world is both wonderful and terrible injustices happen daily, too. You cant change that.
I think they hate that they became so dependent on our love and unlike when they were babies we can't rescue them, we can only help them help themselves.
You are not alone. Do something you love.
It will help.
Keep writing

@bonniethompson1234
I've recently seen a drastic change in my daughter behavior with being paranoid and her thinking that the family members were out to get her. It reached a climax recently the sheriff was involved along with PERT. She was put in for psychological evaluation and diagnosed with Bipolar paranoia. So I am on the path of learning how to live with a loved one and her mental health disorder. I am very new to this and am trying to learn as much as I can. As well as her younger sister whom also lives with me.

Yes, this is very, very difficult especially when an adult child is first diagnosed.
Look into your local NAMI chapter, they certainly can help. See if the facility she was evaluated at have parent support groups. At the very least, you should have help from her treatment team when/where she was diagnosed.
Try to monitor her medications...very important she complies with taking them daily.
There are tons of books out there to enlighten you. Check out Amazon for books especially about parents coping with an adult child with bi-polar disorder (her age??) or simply go to google for, at least, some information.
Is she cooperative with her medication regimen? That is half the battle. Is she capable of attending an out-patient support group with her peers? Helpful for her. She just can't sit home all day doing nothing but thinking, thinking, thinking, Give her lots of support and love (that's a given) but not knowing her present state of mind also watch your boundaries. You can't be co-dependent...and that is why I strongly suggest you see a therapist yourself to discuss how best to cope with her...this is very important for your own mental well being. As a parent, you have suffered a loss. You will be grieving for her...what she "could" have become, what she could have done in her life without suffering from a mental illness. This is all normal. And in time, you will adjust to "what is".
Your new normal. Also, remember you are entitled to your life, happiness and well-being DESPITE being dealt the cards you now have been handed. Don't get lost in her life. Be there as her support as she learns to navigate her new normal. There will be times you must step in - there will be times you must step back. A therapist will help you know the difference. You and her sibling need lots of support, start seeking it out. Perhaps both of you can start therapy together. Having worked in mental health, I know many people, young and not-so that have made a life for themselves while balancing their disease, they are thriving in the work force.
You might think it now, but it is not the end of her world or yours.
And it is a disease...just like heart disease, diabetes, etc. Sometimes there is a genetic component...anyone else in the family with mental illness? Your daughter didn't ask for this - doesn't want it. It is NO reflection on her character at all, no shame or blame. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it or control it. But you can help her (with reasonable boundaries) to live her best life despite her mental health battles. And you must live yours. All the very best to you - seek lots of support for yourself and both daughters. The road is very rocky starting out on the journey of mental illness for the entire family - not just the member affected with this disease. But as time goes on and everyone becomes more educated & adjusts...your family can have a happy life. Perfect? No. But all can live their best life despite the challenges you and your daughters will face. Try to get involved with good health wellness...yoga, meditation, nature, journaling, a walking program/exercise, healthy eating, music, times with "only" supportive friends or hobbies - just some examples that is good for your soul and your daughter's mind & spirit. Sending you lots of positive energy and peaceful thoughts. You will get through this as well as your daughter(s)...believe it, keep a positive attitude and never give up hope.
Believe me, you are NOT alone and neither is your daughter as your travel this journey together.

@ead You are the mommy thats why! Expect respect and dont take any less. You earned it

@riverbendab it’s been awhile … hoping things might be better for you? I think about my son everyday … I miss him everyday … don’t want to feel like this anymore … what kind of life is this?

Sadly, it's been over 3 1/2 years and there has been no improvement in my son.
But I haven't even taken the first step yet...I had plans this month to visit him but he had lots of reasons not to fly out to him.
He is "expected" here for Christmas. I must take that agonizing first step in addressing not "confronting" this situation head on. I believe I have been afraid of losing him, so I held back fully knowing his abuse goes on.
My husband (not his Dad) always wanted us to have a nice Christmas and not to rock the boat with him. At those times, I agreed with him. However, Christmas was always ruined anyway...so I must expect the same for 2025.
I even believe I have been in denial. He lives so far away from me, it's been easy to do that. Our phone contacts are now limited - only thanks to him, not me. He is calling the shots. He will deny, deny, deny and very well might leave immediately and head back home. Once this can of worms is open there is no going back. It will always be there between the 2 of us. From his childhood, he was always so close to me. Since is...but it's much different now. His Dad lives in the south and simply thinks he has a "mental illness" (which he does have too) but I haven't told him about his prescription drug abuse yet. Why? He is basically no help at all. Never really was with him, it was always all me from the get-go. He wants nothing to upset "his" apple-cart.
I am very afraid of this. But I can no longer keep my head in the sand. Once we have this conversation I will tell his father. I will approach my son in a supportive, kind and loving manner...offering to help him in anyway possible. Of course, he will refused because he "doesn't have a problem?"...that is what I am expecting.
Any thoughts from other Moms would be appreciated in how to approach this heart-breaking situation.
I feel it's a lose-lose situation. BUT I will feel better in my mind when I bring it out in the open. After all, this abuse can kill him. Thank you.

@briarrose It might kill you first from worrying about him. How old is he? If over 21 you can't control him. Send him cards letting him know you care and go on with your life.I say this because I went thru a similar situation. Its been over 20 years for me.

Is it possible to move closer to him? We are going through the same thing with our 32 year old son, who for 10 long years has suffered with bipolar 1 and now schizoaffective disorder as well. His medication Invega stopped working again this Fall and had a major manic relapse and has been in and out of hospitals since September, while they try to find a drug that works on him. It’s been terrifying to see him in this state yet again. Since we live close by we can keep an eye on him and attend Doctor appts with him when it is needed. Of course there are times he insists on going alone, which is okay. But it really makes a big difference being involved with the process and being close by. Praying only does so much, and my prayers are going unanswered right now for him to become stable. It is heartbreaking, I agree to watch your child suffer

I would if I were alone. My 2nd husband and I retired to a 55+ community almost 10 years ago. He is a skilled craftsman and did so much work on our home and simply loves it here. He would never returned to a city environment and the cost of living is less expensive here. However, my son can sell his condo and live anywhere since he works from home. There is nothing for him where he has been living for 4 years. Complete isolation. The "perk" for him is his psychiatrist who prescribes the medication he abuses...but he also flies to Canada to see a former psychiatrist (he lived there for 3 years for work), pretends he still lives there and gets more of this medication, also prescribed. So he is doctor shopping. 2 psychiatrists, 2 different countries. Because he is taking a controlled substance he could never do this in the US. There would be a red flag warning. Of course, he could always buy on the street but he is smart enough to know how dangerous that is.
My prayers are going unanswered now for 3 1/2 years. I don't know why. Sometimes I think I am being punished, again, I don't know why. I will address it all when he comes to visit at Christmas (hopefully he comes) but know he will deny, deny, deny. And I very well might lose him...never seeing me again. Addiction will take over, that's his priority now. Not having a relationship with me. My heart is broke and there is nothing I can do. He and he alone must change himself. I don't know what it will take for this to happen.

@sudie46 I truly believe the unbelievable stress, worry and heartache was a major factor in being diagnosed with breast cancer this year. He is 41. My only child...the best son in the world up until 2022. He went down the rabbit hole and there is no possibility at this point he is coming back up. Of course, you are right. But I fear losing him is going to make me very sick and depressed. It's a no win situation. Being blind to it is not working for me. I must confront him...he could kill himself, purposely or accidentality. And then how would I feel? I must at least try to help him, right? I never thought in a million years I, at age 70 and my son, at age 41 would be facing this at this time in our lives. Now should be the good years, right?
20 years for you? How do you do it? Do you have other adult children who support you?