Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

Please feel free to use this as a "woe is me" site if you need to vent some steam. We're all human, and we've all been there.
My husband seems to be in the same general state as yours with MCI. He has few memories of our lives together, is relatively independent but gets lost, can't work his phone, etc. I'm handling it so far by trying to maintain my other relationships while I'm still free to do so. I know that when his dementia worsens I'll be a lot more limited. I intend to care for him at home as long as possible. So, I walk a few miles a day, exercise a bit with weights at home, and do stretching exercises. Endorphins are good. I try to befriend new people so I'm not so lonely and maintain good relationships with family, but we don't have many relatives nearby. Basically, I suggest exercise and friendships...and this site.

I am having a hard time adjusting my attitude. My husband is very smart, a writer and editor, very funny, and usually charming in a number of ways. He loves to tell stories and our guests/friends/family don't see any real difference in him except a lost word or name or in one case only, telling the same story twice on the same occasion. I'm having trouble relating to this new person and making connections with him. I find myself being angry that he can't remember the third time I answer a question within an hour, which is of course absurd, and the only way around it is humor, which actually works well but I can't always stop my immediate reaction that of course he knows... Then I feel I'm being cruel and I always apologize but that makes HIM feel bad. And if I'm calculating every response that seems like a very inauthentic way to relate to someone you love.
I also struggle with letting him continue to be useful in his old way of always doing the dishes and putting them away, putting away groceries, making the bed (that one is fine and easy to fix), taking out garbage, bringing in the mail, making coffee (in our expensive but extremely simple machine, and at least every week there's one disaster but so far not unfixable), etc. But that can mean vegetables going into the bread box where they're not seen for days, since I almost never eat bread. It can take hours for me to find something I use everyday. He loses his glasses at least ten times a day and gets frantic, yet never puts them in the appointed places and complains when he finds them that they don't let him see better than he does without them - he is legally blind and has been losing vision dramatically in the last year. There's nothing to be done about that. He's also quite deaf, and refuses to get hearing aids (I did convince him to be tested a few years ago when it was "mild" and optional, but that was then), so I am often shouting at him or over-articulating my endlessly repeated answers in a way that sounds sarcastic, which grieves me. We are both in our late 80s and fairly active. Having lost two of his senses and now much of his sense of taste is also very hard on him. He's very brave and usually doesn't complain or acknowledge any of it.
I have my own problems including low vision and I'm not very organized but have been trying to set up systems for medicines and other important things. I now hand him the crucial meds and we use Alexa constantly - she never tires of telling him the time, unlike me. He has Meta glasses which are terrific but will wear them only outdoors when he goes for walks. I have medical issues that keep me from coming along on these walks in our little town. I console myself that he has a very large brain and can afford to lose some of it and still be himself. At least for a while. He still makes me laugh several times a day, which is our usual way of dealing with the world. But this is not the same world.

@midnightwalker
Yes my husband has bloodwork on a regular basis. He is refusing infusion, sticking with Aricept, and a bunch of other supplements that are useless but he finds using them gives him a sense of control I suppose. On another note does everybody know what confabulation means? It's something that people with dementia do when they can't remember something in the moment, they make something up. To cover up for not remembering. It's not a lie, it's unconscious and they actually think it's true. And they are so sure of themselves and they will fight with you and an entire argument will center around whether or not this or that actually happened. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Look the word up, and read about it, it's interesting and I bet it applies to somebody in your life. It helps to explain things when power struggles emerge.

@stuffy Thank you for this post. I especially found your comment supportive where you mentioned that friends,and family and guests don’t really see any difference
. That’s our house.
You made me chuckle (when you said that vegetables may end up in the bread box). I relate. Hopefully I can upload two photos to show you what happens when my husband unloads the dishwasher (which I used to appreciate). I think you will appreciate how it is supposed to look vs after he unloads the dishwasher….) 🙂
Pardon errors I may make. Broke my hand over weekend and doing everything one-handed.
Here are the photos (I hope).

@midnightwalker
Yes my husband has bloodwork on a regular basis. He is refusing infusion, sticking with Aricept, and a bunch of other supplements that are useless but he finds using them gives him a sense of control I suppose. On another note does everybody know what confabulation means? It's something that people with dementia do when they can't remember something in the moment, they make something up. To cover up for not remembering. It's not a lie, it's unconscious and they actually think it's true. And they are so sure of themselves and they will fight with you and an entire argument will center around whether or not this or that actually happened. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Look the word up, and read about it, it's interesting and I bet it applies to somebody in your life. It helps to explain things when power struggles emerge.

@meitsjustme
I am not a caregiver type so learning how to live with my husband has been difficult. Several things I apply are - do not ask questions as this is difficult for my husband to respond. I avoid asking him to help as he responds as if I am bossing him.

Show appreciation for all things he still can do. He is still very much here but not who he was before.

@dianaml I know that word! My husband did that for some years before I finally presented the behavior to google and that word was what came up. I would ask google these long drawn out questions for the longest time before I finally started adding it all up. I would print out the results to my questions as well as documenting odd quirks that were not my husband in past years. With his confabulations, my grown daughter and I would hate him making up stories about us and he would say that we just don’t remember anything…. It certainly all came together in the end, much to my dismay.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it’s not easy.
Hang in there, we’re all here for each other.
Linda

@defleurs I’m not a caregiver type either. And you’re not kidding, it’s hard!!! I find that when I try to have a conversation with him (yes, I get fooled into trying to pretend he’s himself) he usually has no response at all and I always say “ Did you hear me?” & he says yes and I ask why he didn’t respond- no response or “I didn’t know I was supposed to answer.” It’s very lonely losing your loved one in this way.
Wishing you well,
Linda

@defleurs I’m not a caregiver type either. And you’re not kidding, it’s hard!!! I find that when I try to have a conversation with him (yes, I get fooled into trying to pretend he’s himself) he usually has no response at all and I always say “ Did you hear me?” & he says yes and I ask why he didn’t respond- no response or “I didn’t know I was supposed to answer.” It’s very lonely losing your loved one in this way.
Wishing you well,
Linda