Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

@dianaml
Thank you for the hug! They are always welcome!

My husband was diagnosed with mild cognitive decline 2 years ago. It had a very gradual onset. It is very difficult for me to deal with this Behavior. I did go to a therapist for 4 months but it wasn't helpful really. We both go to a memory Clinic and he is evaluated every 6 months. We had an appointment yesterday and they are calling his condition stable. He takes Aricept. I have to assume it's helping. The behaviors that come with this diagnosis are so hard on me and I constantly have to as they say let things go. He blames me for everything, is irritable, and at times I just have to go someplace. For my own sanity I visit friends when I can but none of them live nearby. My son and his wife live also in Vermont where I live, but two and a half hours north of me. They are totally understanding but half busy lives.

@agnes01 I could have written most of this. Diagnosis for my husband was in 2021, but for awhile memory loss was on a plateau. Things seem to have speeded up in the past several months…and, like you, I’ve not given details of upcoming events until it’s almost time. And I’m sad not to be able to discuss some things that all of our 52 years married, would have been mutual discussions/agreements on things. Flying solo was not on my radar, but here we are. Like you, I lurked once in awhile on this group, and now, I rarely miss a day of checking in with my “friends” here. Thank you all!

@dianaml My husband was diagnosed with MCI in 2014, for the first 8 years he declined slowly cognitively, but was fully functional- independent in self-care, driving short distances to familiar places, taking his meds appropriately, enjoying hobbies. From my work, I knew what lay ahead with that diagnosis, so I had plenty of time and his cooperation to get things in order with wills, advanced directives, POA, car titles, a pre-paid funeral plan.
I was prepared for the cognitive decline, BUT I wasn’t prepared for his developing near constant irritation, anger, shouting, profanity, etc. He was never physically threatening, but living with those behaviors was really hard.
Because he was functional, I started traveling to visit our kids and their families, reconnected with high school friends and traveled to see them, went to places near where I grew up to visit, went to see elderly cousins. Doing this gave me much needed intermittent breaks, to be able to “carry on” at home.
In 2022, my husband needed to be hospitalized and was then discharged to Assistive Living, where he is today. He got into “You’re not the boss of me” and wouldn’t let me help with meds, wouldn’t eat what I cooked. He’s happy there, has a group of guy friends, likes teasing with the young staff, has never asked to come home, continues to slowly decline.
Being on my own and having to manage a house, the finances, etc is a learning process, but it’s a huge relief to no longer be living in Crazyland.

It seems like such a lonely path. I found a life coach on Headspace. I try to set some goals for myself because I am having to do the paperwork, the driving, and anything involving electronics or fixing things. At 80 years of age, I didn’t choose to learn all of this stuff, but if we want to stay in our house and be independent, I am going to have to. It’s good that you found a therapist to talk to about your challenges. One of my goals was to find a group to share this journey with, I’m very grateful for this group.

Hi there, I totally get the having to do EVERYTHING and the loneliness due to a husband who is just not there mentally anymore, and now that he's not safe to drive - I'm planning everyday around getting him out so he won't feel stuck at home. We had 2 graduations and a funeral to go to in the last 3 weeks so I drove over 1800 miles and planned hotels, bathroom stops and food for each trip. I'm glad that at 79, I can still do all that I do but some days I can feel resentful and even angry about my circumstances. After 53 years of not the best relationship to begin with, this new "in charge" role feels so unfair. I do have a kind counselor who helps me to deal with my need to "fix" everything. With dementia, there is no fixing, only accepting, distracting, agreeing and in one sense relating to my husband as if he were a 5 year old. That is what makes me feel alone - treating an 80 year old man like a 5 year old is not only hard it is so very sad. In one way, we would have had a much better marriage had I treated him this way all along. ha ha. I am half Italian so I have a temper and I am use to speaking up when things aren't right - wow - this new role is making me cross eyed. Learning phrases like: I know you feel useless and that's hard or I know you want to drive and I would be sad about that too. It's all about acknowledging their feelings when you want to scream about how pissed off you are about how they are screwing up YOUR life! That might seem like a relief to say it but then I'd feel so guilty about upsetting him that it's not worth it and won't change a thing. At least he is docile for now, not aggressive or demanding. Life is better if I keep a peaceful attitude. I play instrumental music, talk about simple things without emotion, listen to his concerns and try to be the uninvolved helper as if I were visiting him as an employed caregiver. I'm taking one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the fact that he doses off a lot and his old needy self has mellowed over the years. There are some good things about this - he doesn't hold a grudge for weeks and if I do mess up with an outburst - he forgets it in a few hours! hurray for that one!! Bless all of us who are learning new behaviors in our older years in order to stay in our own homes and be as independent as possible. hugs ~

Hi there, I totally get the having to do EVERYTHING and the loneliness due to a husband who is just not there mentally anymore, and now that he's not safe to drive - I'm planning everyday around getting him out so he won't feel stuck at home. We had 2 graduations and a funeral to go to in the last 3 weeks so I drove over 1800 miles and planned hotels, bathroom stops and food for each trip. I'm glad that at 79, I can still do all that I do but some days I can feel resentful and even angry about my circumstances. After 53 years of not the best relationship to begin with, this new "in charge" role feels so unfair. I do have a kind counselor who helps me to deal with my need to "fix" everything. With dementia, there is no fixing, only accepting, distracting, agreeing and in one sense relating to my husband as if he were a 5 year old. That is what makes me feel alone - treating an 80 year old man like a 5 year old is not only hard it is so very sad. In one way, we would have had a much better marriage had I treated him this way all along. ha ha. I am half Italian so I have a temper and I am use to speaking up when things aren't right - wow - this new role is making me cross eyed. Learning phrases like: I know you feel useless and that's hard or I know you want to drive and I would be sad about that too. It's all about acknowledging their feelings when you want to scream about how pissed off you are about how they are screwing up YOUR life! That might seem like a relief to say it but then I'd feel so guilty about upsetting him that it's not worth it and won't change a thing. At least he is docile for now, not aggressive or demanding. Life is better if I keep a peaceful attitude. I play instrumental music, talk about simple things without emotion, listen to his concerns and try to be the uninvolved helper as if I were visiting him as an employed caregiver. I'm taking one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the fact that he doses off a lot and his old needy self has mellowed over the years. There are some good things about this - he doesn't hold a grudge for weeks and if I do mess up with an outburst - he forgets it in a few hours! hurray for that one!! Bless all of us who are learning new behaviors in our older years in order to stay in our own homes and be as independent as possible. hugs ~