Caring for Mother: She doesn't trust my care. Suggestions?

Posted by Leonard @jakedduck1, Jun 12, 2019

<p>It’s only been about two months since my Mom fell and broke her shoulder. The problems started 4 days later when her hand and elbow became contracted and she became fearful of standing, walking, being pushed in a wheelchair, riding in the car, scared of the dark. She is scare of everything. All of a sudden she’s lonely, she wants me to sit in her room all night. She calls me all the time starting 30 minutes after I put her to bed. “Are you awake,” when she asks if I’m awake she doesn’t wand anything just wants to know. “What time is it,” she has a clock a inches away. “Is it morning?” “Can I get up” 2, 3, 4, 5, 6am “I’m thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, adjust my pillow, open the window/door, I’m hot/cold. When I walk with her she screams out “SLOW DOWN, YOUR GOING TO FAST… we are stopped, not moving at all or “I’m falling” or “I’m going to fall.” It NEVER stops, NEVER. My Dad was paralyzed from the neck down and was more independent and he had total confidence in me. My Mom doesn’t trust me at all. She was independent prior to the fall and now she’s totally dependent on me for everything. Under the best of circumstances I seldom sleep. I’m often up for days. Good thing I guess. But I can’t keep this up. I don’t know how to get her to trust me. I don’t mind doing everything that needs doing, well cooking and cleaning isn’t at the top of the list but I keep us alive and the house hasn’t been condemned. So I suppose my question is, is she being reasonable?<br />Thanks,<br />Jake</p>

@jakedduck1

@colleenyoung
Hi Colleen,
I remember you’ve had them. I also remember you let them pass naturally. Just the thought of that makes my skin crawl. Ouch ouch & mega ouch! My doctor said this one will never pass on its own. I want them out ASAP and however they have to get it out. It makes me so made I didn’t think of my back pain possibility being a stone. The pain was so horrible. I took so much pain medicine I got sick and it didn’t even help. The doctor said it’s been there quite awhile.
Thanks for thinking about me.
Jake

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Thankfully, I've never had a kidney stone, but i take Cranberry capsules now for frequent UTI's which are no longer a problem. I decided to take the capsules so that I wouldn't have drink so much sugary cranberry juice.

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@gingerw

@jakedduck1 You picked a strange way to get a break from caring for your mother! But really I hope you are feeling better tonight. I had a kidney stone many years ago and it was simply no fun. My dad was prone to them. Guess you will be needing to drink more cranberry juice, huh? Seriously you need to consider having someone come in to spell you to take some of the stress away from caring for your mom all the time. You know that she will appreciate it when you are caring for her again since you get to wait on her hand and foot. Not so sure the others will be doing the same.
Ginger

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@gingerw I gotta admit Ginger a little respite certainly isn’t worth the price I ended up paying for it. I hate being here
especially today on my mom’s 89th birthday. I was drinking lots of cranberry juice when I had my first one. I said to the doctor “It’s a good thing I’ve been drinking so much cranberry juice” he said “The only thing cranberry juice will do is make you fat.” I’m grateful my brother took over so well. I should have arranged for someone in case something like this happened. The doctor wants the hand & foot being waited on to stop. He wants her walking to the bathroom getting her own breakfast and doing dishes. I was ecstatic to hear him say that. I hope it happens, for her sake although people probably won’t believe me.

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@jakedduck1

@gingerw I gotta admit Ginger a little respite certainly isn’t worth the price I ended up paying for it. I hate being here
especially today on my mom’s 89th birthday. I was drinking lots of cranberry juice when I had my first one. I said to the doctor “It’s a good thing I’ve been drinking so much cranberry juice” he said “The only thing cranberry juice will do is make you fat.” I’m grateful my brother took over so well. I should have arranged for someone in case something like this happened. The doctor wants the hand & foot being waited on to stop. He wants her walking to the bathroom getting her own breakfast and doing dishes. I was ecstatic to hear him say that. I hope it happens, for her sake although people probably won’t believe me.

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@jakedduck1 Leonard, you'll give your mom a second birthday celebration when you're ready. Since you have had multiple stones, have the doctors ever bisected the stones and check to see what they are made of in order to better help you avoid getting them? Don't beat yourself up please. Remember that there is no way to be prepared for a some emergencies no matter how you may have tried to be ready.
Ginger

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I like that "there's no way to prepare for emergencies". All you can do is prepare the best you can and leave the rest in God's hands. He knows what's ahead around the corner and will be there for you if you'll ask Him and trust His care and love for you.

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You might ask Dr to tell her that as it worked when the Dr said my husband should no longer drive. I knew if I or a family member said anything he would ignore it.

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@jakedduck1

@becsbuddy
Surgery went okay I think all they did was put in a stint. They couldn’t remove the stone. The Doc said it’s massive and cans be removed now. And shock waves or Lithotripsy won’t work. My kidney was damaged but the tests show its better today so it’s fixing itself I guess. 2 weeks after I get out of here we’ll decide how to get it out. Probably regular invasion type surgery but he mentioned a laser. Not sure how the laser works, anyone know? The shockwaves he said will damage surrounding structures. Seems like he could have just ripped me open and snatched it up.
They put me in the Postpartum section of the hospital. My friends are saying it’s because I act like a child. I think I may need to go shopping for a new set of friends. I’m giving the nurses a good working over. It’s the only fun I get.
I’m in a semi-private room without a a roommate and put a sign on the door that said NO VACANCY.
I’ll get some rest although the opposite is what I need more.
Thanks for your message
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Boy, you’re getting to try out everything, aren’t you? The laser surgery is probably another way to break yo the stone to make it easier to remove or let it pass on its own. When they send you home to wait for the surgery, you want to drink lots of water! Keep things flowing. And no strenuous work! This will be a good time to follow the doctor’s advice and let/get your mom to do as much as possible for herself. Keep the helpers your brother hired—you, too, will need them. I wish you the best of everything and hope to keep hearing from you!

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This week's member spotlight is for one of our most active members @jakedduck1. He's always willing to offer his support and share some laughs.

Transforming stigma to acceptance: Meet @jakedduck1
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/page/about-connect/newsfeed-post/transforming-stigma-to-acceptance-meet-jakedduck1/

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Jake, your account indicates that your mother is overwhelmed, regardless of what changes of life she is going through. She is afraid. You are going through this with her. Continue to reassure her of your love and commitment, that you are devoted to her, including her ability to be her best self at any given moment, whatever that is. You must also take care of you, notably where sleep in concerned. This must be shared with her to the degree that she can understand. Sleep in snatches, but sleep you must, or neither her needs or yours will be met.

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My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Leonard, I am sorry to hear about this. I know that tonight maybe a night of not a lot of sleep for you, as you ponder what will be happening in the next week or even the next few days. Do you have family to call to advise them of the current situation? Please be gentle on yourself and know that we are thinking about you.
Ginger

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Hello @jakedduck1, You will find Hospice to be a great help to not only your mother, but to you as well. Allow yourself to accept their comfort and know that you have given as much of yourself as you could to your mother.

Be at peace my friend!

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@jakedduck1

My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 This may be a rough time for you but hospice can be a great help. Remember, your mother trusted you with her care. She knew that you were strong when she entrusted you to care for her. You are doing the right thing now and you’ll never have any regrets. Actually, you’ve demonstrated to others that it’s a privilege to care for the one who cared for you. All of your foodie friends at MCC are here for you. Becky

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I want to let everyone know how grateful I am for your advice and words of encouragement, wisdom kindness and etc over the last 5 months. You kids are always there when I need you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I wish I could express more appropriately my gratitude.
On November 6th my mom started seizing, as the Paramedics wheeled her into the ER she went into cardiac arrest. They did chest compressions and restarted her heart, something she didn’t want. Tuesday her journey ended. She passed away about 9:30pm. I only wish I had the honor of taking care of her longer. It’s only been 7 months since her fall.
Jake

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
Jake

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@jakedduck1

I want to let everyone know how grateful I am for your advice and words of encouragement, wisdom kindness and etc over the last 5 months. You kids are always there when I need you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I wish I could express more appropriately my gratitude.
On November 6th my mom started seizing, as the Paramedics wheeled her into the ER she went into cardiac arrest. They did chest compressions and restarted her heart, something she didn’t want. Tuesday her journey ended. She passed away about 9:30pm. I only wish I had the honor of taking care of her longer. It’s only been 7 months since her fall.
Jake

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So sorry for your loss, @jakedduck1. My mom passed away today, on Thanksgiving, so I sense the emptiness you feel.

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