Caring for Mother: She doesn't trust my care. Suggestions?

Posted by Leonard @jakedduck1, Wed, Jun 12 9:18am

<p>It’s only been about two months since my Mom fell and broke her shoulder. The problems started 4 days later when her hand and elbow became contracted and she became fearful of standing, walking, being pushed in a wheelchair, riding in the car, scared of the dark. She is scare of everything. All of a sudden she’s lonely, she wants me to sit in her room all night. She calls me all the time starting 30 minutes after I put her to bed. “Are you awake,” when she asks if I’m awake she doesn’t wand anything just wants to know. “What time is it,” she has a clock a inches away. “Is it morning?” “Can I get up” 2, 3, 4, 5, 6am “I’m thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, adjust my pillow, open the window/door, I’m hot/cold. When I walk with her she screams out “SLOW DOWN, YOUR GOING TO FAST… we are stopped, not moving at all or “I’m falling” or “I’m going to fall.” It NEVER stops, NEVER. My Dad was paralyzed from the neck down and was more independent and he had total confidence in me. My Mom doesn’t trust me at all. She was independent prior to the fall and now she’s totally dependent on me for everything. Under the best of circumstances I seldom sleep. I’m often up for days. Good thing I guess. But I can’t keep this up. I don’t know how to get her to trust me. I don’t mind doing everything that needs doing, well cooking and cleaning isn’t at the top of the list but I keep us alive and the house hasn’t been condemned. So I suppose my question is, is she being reasonable?<br />Thanks,<br />Jake</p>

Hello @jakedduck1 Sounds like a tough patch for both you and your mom. Sorry to read about your challenges.

Personally I gave up early as a caregiver trying to figure out if my loved one's' demands were reasonable or not. I couldn't figure out how she viewed life once she became ill, so I just tried my best.

Has you mom been seen by a GP as t owhat sounds to be a substantial emotional change? Also did they give a reason for her fall? Maybe her fear is steming from something she hasn't or can't verbalize.

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@IndianaScott
Hi Scott,
She hasn’t been seen by a GP specifically for any emotional change? Good thought though. We think she fell because she lost her balance while folding clothes, which she was told not to do. “Maybe her fear is steming from something she hasn't or can't verbalize.” That may be true be she is very good at verbalizing. I will ask the doctor about a brain MRI since she is having some problems with her left side.
Thank you Scott for you response.
Jake

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This morning I fixed her some coffee and oatmeal (gag!) but she likes the flavored stuff and it’s relatively easy.
She asked for some raisin toast so I quickly reminded her this isn’t the Waldorf Astoria and I’m not the Galloping Gourmet. I went the extra mile this morning but told her not to expect 5 star service on a regular basis in the future.

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I AM NEW HERE. WHY AN I GETTING SO VERY MANY EMAILS FROM PEOPLE THAT DO NOT HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS AS MYSELF???

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@kimspr3

I AM NEW HERE. WHY AN I GETTING SO VERY MANY EMAILS FROM PEOPLE THAT DO NOT HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS AS MYSELF???

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@jakedduck1

This morning I fixed her some coffee and oatmeal (gag!) but she likes the flavored stuff and it’s relatively easy.
She asked for some raisin toast so I quickly reminded her this isn’t the Waldorf Astoria and I’m not the Galloping Gourmet. I went the extra mile this morning but told her not to expect 5 star service on a regular basis in the future.

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Sounds pretty good, @jakedduck1 If you have any spare time you can fix me breakfast any day! 🙂

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@IndianaScott

Sounds pretty good, @jakedduck1 If you have any spare time you can fix me breakfast any day! 🙂

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@IndianaScott
Now that’s funny. You should have posted your comment in the joke section, lol. When I have any spare time the last place I’d be is in the kitchen.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Leonard I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your mother. It's always difficult to suddenly be placed into a caregiver mode for one's parents. Like @IndianaScott had mentioned, a full evaluation of your mother both physically and mentally maybe in order here. Sometimes a fall or physical upset tips the scale into a mode for the patient that they are no longer independent and must be cared for completely from then on. The fall may have triggered something mentally with rapid onset of dementia or Alzheimer's. But I'm not a medical professional as you know so it's not my place to make that kind of a diagnosis only a professional can do that. Is there anyone that can come in to spell you for a little bit so you can get some much-needed rest, a friend or relative perhaps?
Ginger

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@gingerw

@jakedduck1 Leonard I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your mother. It's always difficult to suddenly be placed into a caregiver mode for one's parents. Like @IndianaScott had mentioned, a full evaluation of your mother both physically and mentally maybe in order here. Sometimes a fall or physical upset tips the scale into a mode for the patient that they are no longer independent and must be cared for completely from then on. The fall may have triggered something mentally with rapid onset of dementia or Alzheimer's. But I'm not a medical professional as you know so it's not my place to make that kind of a diagnosis only a professional can do that. Is there anyone that can come in to spell you for a little bit so you can get some much-needed rest, a friend or relative perhaps?
Ginger

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@gingerw
You may be right Ginger but I hope that’s not the case. I suppose I don’t want accept the possible reality of the situation.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

@gingerw
You may be right Ginger but I hope that’s not the case. I suppose I don’t want accept the possible reality of the situation.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Please keep us up-to-date what happens. We care.
Ginger

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@gingerw

@jakedduck1 Please keep us up-to-date what happens. We care.
Ginger

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@gingerw
Howdy,
I know your moving, bet you’ll be glad to be out of the rat race. I think I remember you mentioning 750 miles but not sure if that was one way or round trip. I was curious if you were moving within Ca or out of State.
Jake

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@jakedduck1

@gingerw
Howdy,
I know your moving, bet you’ll be glad to be out of the rat race. I think I remember you mentioning 750 miles but not sure if that was one way or round trip. I was curious if you were moving within Ca or out of State.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 The appraisal was yesterday, so we should hear by Saturday if we need to negotiate at all. If everything goes through, escrow closes on 2 July, and sellers will rent back for a month. I move up 1 Aug, and we will shuttle loads once a month or so until weathered out, final loads in the Spring. Husband is still working until April. It is 765 miles each way, into southern Oregon. We're going back to area he was born and raised in.
Ginger

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@colleenyoung

Hi @kimspr3, You can tailor which emails you receive in your inbox. See instructions here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/get-started-on-connect/
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THANK YOU!

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@jakedduck1

@IndianaScott
Hi Scott,
She hasn’t been seen by a GP specifically for any emotional change? Good thought though. We think she fell because she lost her balance while folding clothes, which she was told not to do. “Maybe her fear is steming from something she hasn't or can't verbalize.” That may be true be she is very good at verbalizing. I will ask the doctor about a brain MRI since she is having some problems with her left side.
Thank you Scott for you response.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 .your situation sounds tough! And sad because it’s your mother. It’s so difficult when the child becomes the parent. It sounds like your mother is very afraid; afraid of another fall, afraid of losing her independence, afraid of what you’ll think of her, afraid of dying. You might take her to the GP who know her and maybe ask for a referral to a gerontologist. They specialize in the aging process and caring for elderly patients. He/she will better understand what has happened and how the fall has affected your mom.
I agree with @gingerw about having someone else come in so you can get some sleep. That’s so important! You want to keep your humorous personality, we like it!

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@becsbuddy

@jakedduck1 .your situation sounds tough! And sad because it’s your mother. It’s so difficult when the child becomes the parent. It sounds like your mother is very afraid; afraid of another fall, afraid of losing her independence, afraid of what you’ll think of her, afraid of dying. You might take her to the GP who know her and maybe ask for a referral to a gerontologist. They specialize in the aging process and caring for elderly patients. He/she will better understand what has happened and how the fall has affected your mom.
I agree with @gingerw about having someone else come in so you can get some sleep. That’s so important! You want to keep your humorous personality, we like it!

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I’ve been thinking about her seeing a gerontologist. Is that a specialist or a primary care physician for the elderly. I’m concerned if she goes to one and it doesn’t work out how receptive will her current doctor be in taking her back if the gerontologist is a primary doctor.
I know she is scared. She keeps saying “I can’t” every time I try to get her out of bed or her chair. She leans way back instead of leaning forward. I show her by sitting and bending as far forward as I can showing her how I don’t fall. I took a few videos of her trying to get up and how as soon as I hold her to help she leans way back. I try to explain it is to hard on me to lift dead weight and instead of trying to do it like I show her she says “I don’t want to hurt you. Cant we hire someone. She doesn’t seem to understand if she gets up like that it’s going to be hard on anyone helping. Does she need to see a Psychologist?
Jake

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