Cancer destroying what's left of our marriage and life

I need to vent and hopefully get some help. Hubby was always mean-spirited, controlling, acerbic and very negative; I am the complete opposite ("yin and yang", if you will). We've had a splendid time together, lots of fun and memories. It all came crashing down w/ the diagnosis of T3 esophageal cancer February of this year.

Chemo & Radiation started immediately, and he did really good with both! I was not working, so, I was his full time nurse and caregiver, friend, ally. I took this role on with glee, because, he's a strong dude and I know that even w/ it being stage 3, there is still hope.

Surgery in May removed "everything"; recovery has been slow, but - going very well. Was released home 7 days later and just got his feeding tube out. Is trying to maintain weight.

The problem is, I cannot take his meanness, insults and generally very angry, hateful abuse any more. I started working a week after his surgery (lots of reasons, but let's just say it's a MARVELOUS job and it was much needed after being homebound for so long). I can "escape" now while at work. But when I get home at night, and oh lord the weekends... I have almost taken the dog and stayed at a hotel just to truly escape.

He will follow me (slowly...) around and yell, I've had things thrown at me, he's punched the dog. Threatens suicide non-stop. I was HOPING that since he's been blessed with this recovery time and eating food, AND I have this great job now - that he would have SOME happiness. It's all shot to hell and just gone.

I tried to explain how I feel. I do NOT want to leave him. I want my husband back! But my fear is, the cancer is showing 'who he really is', and this monster is going to be here forevermore, until death.

I also made a promise (vows are very serious), til death do we part, and I intend on following through. I guess I just miss the old him, and, according to him - the old him is gone, our life is over, he will never get better.

The 3-month scan is next week (to light up anywhere the cancer may have traveled)... it was in his lymph nodes, and, the tumor itself was still 30% "alive" when it was cut out.

I am on pins and needles, because I know the 'new him' will be super negative even IF the scan shows "no tumors" or spread. And it is tearing me apart. I feel he should count his blessings, be happy he is still above ground.

Go outside and look at my beautiful flowers, walk the dog with me, even just go for a ride, go sit at a park like we used to. I have been doing what others have told me to do --- carve out "me time", do things for myself, do NOT forget that I am still alive to. Trouble is, he's given up... and I feel like I have to, too.

I did put my foot down re: the violence, and that I would call 911 if I need to. Cancer or not, violence is not welcome in our home. I at least can outrun him (he's lost a LOT of weight and is very weak) when he gets his anger outbursts.

Sorry for the long post, just hoping to hear from other Caregivers who are living in a nightmare, looking over the shoulder wanting what once was. Looking at our wedding pictures around the house and our past 18 yrs together is heartbreaking.

It's like Cancer already killed him, and he's just waiting for Death to carry him away. I am so sad. 🙁