Broken Hearted, What can I do?
Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don’t know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won’t talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.
I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.
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Sorry life is too short. How old is he? Has he been checked for bipolar. What time of day does this start?
Never been checked for bipolar but I don’t think that is it. His cycles of mood swings are farther apart than 4 days. Yes, life is too short. Sadly, he chooses his own misery and tries to pull me down into the pit too. He is just downright mean and nasty when he is in his bad mood swing. I doubt that we will cohabitate indefinitely as he is unwilling to change.
one thing i think you should a point of doing is being there for yourself. take care of yourself while you are outside of your home, and do things to make the inner you be ok with you. i think, could be completely wrong and dont hesitate to tell me if i am, your husband carries a lot of baggage with him from his home life growing up. his anger could stem from dissatisfaction with his upbringing, and the fact that he felt that he is illegitimate as a person for not being able to right wrongs that were out of his control growing up. and if that is the case, he needs to address those issues. one cannot be there for another if they cannot be there for oneself, and at this point, it seems that your husband is hurt too much by his past to try and address it. you must realize that behind his anger, there is probably a lament for a troubled past (child). that is not by any means to justify his abuse of you, not in the least bit. but it may make it easier for you to understand his gross anger in realizing that his childhood was probably a highly dysfunctional one. but you will never know unless HE decides to open up about it. maybe you could try speaking with your husband about his past when he is in one of his better mood swings. if you feel that love still remains for your husband and that a go can still be made in marraige, try to converse with him and see if he might open up a little bit about his past. if he does not show any willingness to change, i think you owe it to yourself to contemplate how you want to live the rest of your life. complacent and succumbing to his will, or assertive for your own happiness. itd be optimal for you and your husband to be happy together, but i think at this point, he has to have a talk with his inner child and bring it back to you. also i believe a clear conscience is the only way to live, but especially in a situation like this. you might do well to reflect upon your own behavior in your marraige, and see if there is anything you could improve upon. not to say that anything you may have done warrants a fat lip, but if you were to convey a few of your own shortcomings in attempting to discuss your husbands life with him, he may be more apt to open up. i could be absolutely wrong, but i hope i helped at least on a limited basis. be well and best of luck to you and your go in this beautiful, painful thing we call life 🙂
I believe you are right about the inner child stuff but this man is unwilling to go there in therapy. When we married he admitted that he had ‘anger issues’ and told me he would go and work on them with a psychologist. He did for several sessions and as soon as the PhD started to get into his childhood, he clammed up and refused to go back to see him. I’d been through some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with the same doctor and he was excellent. He told me that my husband just didn’t seem to want to work on his childhood issues. Unfortunately, we were already married. My husband promised me before we married that he would continue this therapy to overcome his ‘anger’. I should have made him complete the process and not married him until he successfully unloaded his baggage. He promptly quit counseling after we were married, much to my dismay.
With bipolat mood swings can be fast or months.
“He speaks of things from his past that scares you”, just from what you have shared I am assuming that he is not tell the doctors of these thing no more than he has confided to you, and until he does the hard work of growing away from these past truamas nothing about him will change, and the abuse is the damage it causes inward, the physical part heals long before the abuse of the inward doubt of self worth. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you, if he does not become more willing to work on himself for clarity of himslf and the harm done to him as well as the harm he’s doing to you , he has a choice as do you to do whats best. You can go to therapy every day, but if you don’t be honest and open then it will be of no effect, as it is here. He is not responsible for his illness but he is responsible for his recovery of self, and all the love in the world will not change him until he makes an honest go at it. Yes it can get really bad, don’t kid yourself. He must want it for it to happen. GBG
Thanks for the comments, I have much to think about and ask all to say a prayer for my strength and wisdom. I feel much stronger now just sharing my plight with others and appreciate all of the comments very much. Have a safe Halloween. Blessings!
If you can …..I hate to be harsh ….leave him… if its against your religion….God will understand….you arent required to live with someone who wont get help.
im sorry i know its not simple-i care
Your husband has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (“PTSD”). I know plenty about the symptoms. My PTSD has been under control for many years. Your husband needs professional help and he needs you by his side during his treatment program, otherwise, he will fail. I’m still extremely embarrassed by my past behavior. Divorce? I think not. Remember vowing “…in sickness and in health…”? To ignore his issues and divorce him is irresponsible. You will only send him into the world in an unbalanced mental state and both of you will be even more miserable. Without your support, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that he will give up and commit suicide.
Oh, and if he threatens your life, the life or lives of others, or threatens to commit suicide, you can have him forcibly committed to an inpatient treatment facility (you do not want to have him arrested, just committed. An arrest record for domestic violence will destroy his life and worsen his condition. Nothing amps up PTSD like being hauled off to jail and then becoming unemployed!). Commitment orders are issued by probate court judges, not criminal court judges and they are not difficult to obtain. You will need to complete a sworn affidavit stating the circumstances and the judge will rule on your application on the spot. There is no shame in forcing someone to receive help for a mental disorder. There is shame in divorce, criminal proceedings, and failure to support your spouse when he is incapable of understanding that he has an embarrassing illness…When he is being forcibly taken to a treatment facility, he will curse and threaten you (“I’m not crazy, YOU are, you f”ing bi*ch! I’ll kick your ass for doing this to me!”). Later, when he realizes that you love and care enough to force him into treatment, he will hug, kiss, and thank you, so do not worry! It will take time, but everything is going to improve! Chin up!