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Broken Hearted, What can I do?

Posted by Anonymous-aeaf6ea1 in Women's Health, Oct 24, 2011

Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don't know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won't talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.

Tags: mens health, womens health, healthy living, mental health

Native Floridian likes this
debera

Posted by @debera, Oct 27, 2011

Sorry life is too short. How old is he? Has he been checked for bipolar. What time of day does this start?

Native Floridian likes this
nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 27, 2011

Never been checked for bipolar but I don't think that is it. His cycles of mood swings are farther apart than 4 days. Yes, life is too short. Sadly, he chooses his own misery and tries to pull me down into the pit too. He is just downright mean and nasty when he is in his bad mood swing. I doubt that we will cohabitate indefinitely as he is unwilling to change.

stape

Posted by @stape, Oct 28, 2011

one thing i think you should a point of doing is being there for yourself. take care of yourself while you are outside of your home, and do things to make the inner you be ok with you. i think, could be completely wrong and dont hesitate to tell me if i am, your husband carries a lot of baggage with him from his home life growing up. his anger could stem from dissatisfaction with his upbringing, and the fact that he felt that he is illegitimate as a person for not being able to right wrongs that were out of his control growing up. and if that is the case, he needs to address those issues. one cannot be there for another if they cannot be there for oneself, and at this point, it seems that your husband is hurt too much by his past to try and address it. you must realize that behind his anger, there is probably a lament for a troubled past (child). that is not by any means to justify his abuse of you, not in the least bit. but it may make it easier for you to understand his gross anger in realizing that his childhood was probably a highly dysfunctional one. but you will never know unless HE decides to open up about it. maybe you could try speaking with your husband about his past when he is in one of his better mood swings. if you feel that love still remains for your husband and that a go can still be made in marraige, try to converse with him and see if he might open up a little bit about his past. if he does not show any willingness to change, i think you owe it to yourself to contemplate how you want to live the rest of your life. complacent and succumbing to his will, or assertive for your own happiness. itd be optimal for you and your husband to be happy together, but i think at this point, he has to have a talk with his inner child and bring it back to you. also i believe a clear conscience is the only way to live, but especially in a situation like this. you might do well to reflect upon your own behavior in your marraige, and see if there is anything you could improve upon. not to say that anything you may have done warrants a fat lip, but if you were to convey a few of your own shortcomings in attempting to discuss your husbands life with him, he may be more apt to open up. i could be absolutely wrong, but i hope i helped at least on a limited basis. be well and best of luck to you and your go in this beautiful, painful thing we call life 🙂

Native Floridian likes this
nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 29, 2011

I believe you are right about the inner child stuff but this man is unwilling to go there in therapy. When we married he admitted that he had 'anger issues' and told me he would go and work on them with a psychologist. He did for several sessions and as soon as the PhD started to get into his childhood, he clammed up and refused to go back to see him. I'd been through some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with the same doctor and he was excellent. He told me that my husband just didn't seem to want to work on his childhood issues. Unfortunately, we were already married. My husband promised me before we married that he would continue this therapy to overcome his 'anger'. I should have made him complete the process and not married him until he successfully unloaded his baggage. He promptly quit counseling after we were married, much to my dismay.

2

Posted by @2, Nov 22, 2011

Just fyi, I'm an avoidant type with childhood issues. I'm trying to go to therapy and it's just not working ...I can't talk at all. So, ultimately, I'm just ending up with a feeling that it's just another thing I have failed at. The result is feeling worse. And then add to that, the fact that now I'm more aware of how screwed up I am and how much my past has affected me but with no resolve to go with it. Then take away the coping skills I have relied on to survive all of my life ...because now they just look like it's been a futile effort. That's my summary of pushing myself into 'therapy' to 'get better'. I don't think this is better. I've been contemplating if addressing issues head-on is always the right thing to do.
I don't know if this would interest you but Wikipedia true self & false self and read similar concepts. I found Alice Miller to be particularly interesting. I was also trying to find more information on Joan Riviere, negative therapeutic reaction, & "defensive organization" but general look-ups have lacked the detailed information I was seeking.
I guess my reason for commenting here is that the comments I've seen (either here or on the 'loving someone with a personality disorder post'?) regarding people's willingness to change have gotten to me. Willingness just is sooo not the issue with me and I wanted to add another perspective of what someone might be thinking.

??? likes this
2

Posted by @2, Nov 24, 2011

NF, you comment on a lot of posts. Please, comment on the one above. I'm not looking for some big answer or a conclusion ...just your thoughts. What you were thinking, if you looked up any of that, do you think your husband might have similar feelings? While sorting things out for myself, I also like to hear the opinions of others. Especially, those that come from another point of view.
The perspective I wanted to add is that maybe your husband doesn't feel he has control over his emotional well-being. But, know that I admire the effort you have made to find resolve and work it out. I also whole-heartedly believe that you should put you and your family first if he treats you badly.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 25, 2011

I believe you are right about putting the family right if the treatment is not healthy. Strict boundaries are in place now and measures have been taken to protect my health and well being, as well as the children. My husband avoids life, in general, he is just someone with low energy, low self esteem and learned from his family of origin to 'keep quiet' and not make any waves. Sad, but true. We go to joint counseling and it is helpful, but he doesn't always talk much there either. At least it keeps him in line, for now.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 25, 2011

Anon: Why can't you talk? You see, I don't understand that. If you really want to get better, you need to open up with a therapist and learn what it is you need to do to help yourself. I also think that you're thinking and analyzing this to death, you need to just make a list of your issues and work down the list. Start with all of the people that have truly 'hurt' you and why and go talk to the therapist. They are great at giving you insight as to what you may have done to cause someone else to have the ability to hurt you. sometimes we are just innocent victims and other times we are just plain naiive about people, like choosing the wrong friends, spouses, etc. Like I'm not the best judge of character, well, I'm much better now than I was in the past but that's because I learned the hard way. I appreciate you wanting to add another perspective to this blog because that is important. I'll take a look at the Wikipedia references you mentioned and comment later. I've got a plane to catch early in the morning.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 5, 2011

I've been thinking about what you wrote alot, you are so on target about this man I am married to. I am seriously considering ending the relationship if at all possible. I am so tired of dealing with someone that really doesn't want to get 'well'. He thinks I am his problem. He is cold, mean, uncaring and rude to me. When my teenagers are home (they live with their dad about an hour away) on weekends, etc. he is nice to them one weekend and the next he just ignores them. They think he doesn't like them. I tend to agree. They are good kids and don't deserve to have someone like him for a step dad. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to remove us from his life because he is not going to get better because he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behavior. He feels justified in his anger and continues to act like a you-know-what when he is home. I hate it.

birdsong

Posted by @birdsong, Oct 29, 2011

With bipolat mood swings can be fast or months.

andrewd

Posted by @andrewd, Oct 30, 2011

"He speaks of things from his past that scares you", just from what you have shared I am assuming that he is not tell the doctors of these thing no more than he has confided to you, and until he does the hard work of growing away from these past truamas nothing about him will change, and the abuse is the damage it causes inward, the physical part heals long before the abuse of the inward doubt of self worth. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you, if he does not become more willing to work on himself for clarity of himslf and the harm done to him as well as the harm he's doing to you , he has a choice as do you to do whats best. You can go to therapy every day, but if you don't be honest and open then it will be of no effect, as it is here. He is not responsible for his illness but he is responsible for his recovery of self, and all the love in the world will not change him until he makes an honest go at it. Yes it can get really bad, don't kid yourself. He must want it for it to happen. GBG

Native Floridian likes this
nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 31, 2011

Thanks for the comments, I have much to think about and ask all to say a prayer for my strength and wisdom. I feel much stronger now just sharing my plight with others and appreciate all of the comments very much. Have a safe Halloween. Blessings!

vrswesley

Posted by @vrswesley, Oct 31, 2011

If you can .....I hate to be harsh ....leave him... if its against your religion....God will understand....you arent required to live with someone who wont get help.
im sorry i know its not simple-i care

Leanne likes this
nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 2, 2011

It is not that simple. Are you married? That is a harsh opinion to have but I understand that some people just aren't as tolerant as I am. I don't think God wants people to just get divorced for the sake of divorce, to make life easier or more enjoyable Sure it would be nice sometimes to trade but that's not really what God wants, i dont' think.

atljoe

Posted by @atljoe, Oct 31, 2011

Your husband has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ("PTSD"). I know plenty about the symptoms. My PTSD has been under control for many years. Your husband needs professional help and he needs you by his side during his treatment program, otherwise, he will fail. I'm still extremely embarrassed by my past behavior. Divorce? I think not. Remember vowing "...in sickness and in health..."? To ignore his issues and divorce him is irresponsible. You will only send him into the world in an unbalanced mental state and both of you will be even more miserable. Without your support, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that he will give up and commit suicide.

atljoe

Posted by @atljoe, Oct 31, 2011

Oh, and if he threatens your life, the life or lives of others, or threatens to commit suicide, you can have him forcibly committed to an inpatient treatment facility (you do not want to have him arrested, just committed. An arrest record for domestic violence will destroy his life and worsen his condition. Nothing amps up PTSD like being hauled off to jail and then becoming unemployed!). Commitment orders are issued by probate court judges, not criminal court judges and they are not difficult to obtain. You will need to complete a sworn affidavit stating the circumstances and the judge will rule on your application on the spot. There is no shame in forcing someone to receive help for a mental disorder. There is shame in divorce, criminal proceedings, and failure to support your spouse when he is incapable of understanding that he has an embarrassing illness...When he is being forcibly taken to a treatment facility, he will curse and threaten you ("I'm not crazy, YOU are, you f''ing bi*ch! I'll kick your ass for doing this to me!"). Later, when he realizes that you love and care enough to force him into treatment, he will hug, kiss, and thank you, so do not worry! It will take time, but everything is going to improve! Chin up!

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 2, 2011

Thanks for the tips..he isn't the type to threaten anyone's life or his own, he is very much the avoidant type. Just when he is pushed that is when he loses his temper. I think he is just having a very difficult time managing his full time job and his life right now. When he takes a day off or two days off and rests up, he is much better and relaxed. He is just so exhausted alot of the time and it is difficult having to live with someone that is so unresponsive to life in general.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 2, 2011

You could be on to something...except the mood swings aren't consistent enough for PTSD? I am not sure. He's been going to counseling with me, so I think he isn't likely to commit suicide. He also is too close to his parents to do that to them. I don't think he is in that frame of mind, he is just a very detached individual whenever he wants to be.

ann406 likes this
zenful

Posted by @zenful, Nov 2, 2011

I am truly sorry for your suffering broken hearted! You are a champion to stand by and support your partner's ailment. However you must keep yourself safe from harm. In addition, continue to seek help until you find the best possible resources. Ask friends, family, professionals until success happens! I will pray for positive results.

Native Floridian likes this
nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 2, 2011

Thank you, I appreciate your positive feedback and prayers. I am doing all of the things that you recommended. Seems to be helping, yet it is a daily struggle as I try to keep my emotions out of it.

deliasanderson

Posted by @deliasanderson, Nov 6, 2011

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that's who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it's you that has changed and you who hasn't been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don't marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people's spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven't chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 10, 2011

If he was so honest, then why didn't he do what he said he was going to do? He promised he would go through with therapy for his "anger issues". He quit going as soon as he started to talk with the therapist about his angry feelings. Therapy doesn't 'change' someone's personality. I married the man because I loved him for who he was and his anger has turned him into someone I didn't marry. I think you've got it backwards and probably should learn more about therapy before you critique someone, Delia..

deliasanderson

Posted by @deliasanderson, Nov 10, 2011

I'M UNCERTAIN AS TO WHOM I CRITIQUED. I MADE 2 DEDUCTIONS BASED ON YOUR LETTER. IF SOMEONE HAS A CHRONIC LIVER DISEASE, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY CAN GO FOR THERAPY AND GET MEDICATION, ETC...IF THEY FIND THEY CAN'T COPE, THEY WILL STOP. THE DISEASE GETS THE BETTER OF THEM DUE TO EITHER A LACK OF COURAGE OR A HORMONE THAT IS IN EXCESS QUANTITY OR TOO LIMITED QUANTITY, ETC... ALL I SAID WAS THAT HIS ANGER WAS EXPOSED TO YOU BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM AND YOU DID HAVE CONCERNS THEN BUT YOUR LOVE WAS GREATER THAN YOUR WORRIES. NOW THE DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER OR, WHATEVER IS THE ROOT CAUSE, SEEMS TO BE GETTING THE BETTER OF YOU AND YOUR CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL ARE GREATER THAN ANY LOVE FOR HIM. YOU'RE THINKING OF QUITTING THAT PROJECT, YOUR MARRIAGE. SO THAT REMARK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND BEING HONEST WAS TO CITE HIS LACK OF 'PHONINESS' AS HIS PREDISPOSITION TO ANGER/FRUSTRATION/ANXIETY WAS REVEALED TO YOU IN THE EARLY STAGES OF YOUR RELATIONHIP. YOU DID NOT MARRY A SIR WALTER RALEIGH WHO SUDDENLY SHOWED ALL SIGNS OF AN ANGRY HOSTILE SPOUSE AS SOON AS HE BECAME YOUR HUSBAND. HIS ANGER ISSUES ARE NOT ABOUT YOU, THAT'S THE BAGGAGE HE BROUGHT INTO THE MARRIAGE AND HE DID DISCLOSE THIS TO YOU. HIS INABILITY TO CONTINUE ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT FOR IT IN THE PRESENT OR SHORTLY AFTER THE MARRIAGE, IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S HIS OWN DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER/HORMONAL IMBALANCE THAT IS WEIGHING HIM DOWN, IT SEEMS EVEN MORE OVER TIME. HE IS BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY SOMETHING HE CANNOT GET ENOUGH CONTROL OVER TO GET HIM TO A THERAPIST; YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY HIS PROBLEMS. YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HELP AND I JUST THOUGHT, SINCE YOU ASKED, I'D SEND REFLECTIONS AND QUESTIONS YOUR WAY, BUT NO ANSWERS AND NO JUDGMENT. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU, AND YOU ALONE, CAN NAVIGATE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO NURTURE. WHEN YOU STEER YOUR OWN SHIP, WHICH IS, I WOULD IMAGINE, THE MAIN GOAL OF EVERY ADULT, YOU NURTURE YOURSELF FIRST AND THEN THE FLOW OF THAT CARE REACHES OUT TO THOSE AROUND YOU. YOU DECIDE WITH THIS FLOW OF ENERGY 'HOW' TO LOVE THOSE AROUND YOU. IT'S IMPORTANT NOT TO FEEL GUILTY IF THERE IS REJECTION AS THAT IS LOVE IN ITSELF, SEEING THAT THAT PERSON IS SEPARATE FROM YOU. IF YOUR LIFE'S AMBITIONS AND ACTIONS ARE PHYSICALLY BLOCKED OR EMOTIONALLY HAMPERED BY THE INFLUENCE OF ANOTHER, THEN QUESTIONS ABOUT EXPOSING YOUR JOYFUL SELF/SAD SELF TO THEM ON AN ONGOING DAILY BASIS IS LIKE HITTING YOUR HEAD INTO A WALL AND EXPECTING IT TO FEEL BETTER ON THE NEXT ATTEMPT. SOMEONE GREAT (INDIRA GHANDI?) SAID 'you be the change' . YOUR LETTER SHOWED THIS IS THE WAY YOU WERE THINKING, YOU COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

THE SECOND COMMENT WHICH I PUT IN QUESTION FORM WAS WHAT CAUSED THE CHANGE IN YOU? THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF YOU, SOME COULD TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT. IF YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZED YOU DESERVED BETTER AND YOU ARE CAPABLE OF BEING A BETTER PERSON/HAPPIER AND LOVING WITHOUT HIM, THEN THIS CAN BE A MOVE IN ANOTHER DIRECTION OF YOUR CHOICE. IF YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE BECAUSE HE WAS NOT HELPING HIMSELF, YOU HAVE FINALLY PUT THE ONUS ON HIM AND ONLY HIM TO BETTER HIMSELF AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN MISERIES (AND JOYS) AND NOT GET SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF BLAME. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO PUT THE EMPHASIS ON YOURSELF, YOUR OWN GOALS, COMPLETING YOUR OWN DREAMS AND LEAVING HIM BEHIND INSTEAD OF CONTINUUING TO HELP HIM AND FEELING DRAINED OF ENERGY FOR YOUR EFFORTS . A QUESTION IS NOT A CRITIQUE. IT IS THROUGH QUESTIONS FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, ACQUAINTANCES, THERAPISTS, THAT YOU CLARIFY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND GET CONNECTED WITH YOUR OWN CREATIVITY ABOUT LIFE. A CONCERNED PERSON CAN ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER WITH THE QUESTION OR ENTERTAIN IT WITH AN ANSWER. A FEELING PERSON KNOWS IT'S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PERSPECTIVES AND DOESN'T CARE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER BUT THEY REFLECT ON YOUR CHOSEN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION THAT YOU INVITE THEM INTO. IF YOU ARE GIVING INFORMATION AND SEEKING INPUT ONLINE, IT IS NOT OUT OF LINE FOR SOMEONE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS/THOUGHTS OR COMMENT ON THEM. YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN THIS WORLD, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO KEEP IN YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOU WANT TO GET RID OF. WILL HE BE IN THE CREATIVE PROCESS OF YOUR OWN LIFE OR DO YOU FEEL YOUR CANVAS WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM? THIS BOILS DOWN TO HOW VITAL A PART OF YOUR LIFE HE IS AND CAN YOU DRAW AND COLOR ON THAT CANVAS MORE FLOWINGLY WITHOUT HIM? YOU, AND ONLY YOU, CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION. LIFE CHANGES EVERY MINUTE AND WE CAN EMBRACE THE NOTION OF CHANGE AND DEAL WITH IT OR WE CAN RUN FROM IT AND THINK IT'S THE WAY IT WAS.
ARE YOU IN THE PRESENT MOMENT? HE IS WHO HE IS WITH HIS ANGER ISSUES THAT WERE ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WITH LOVE FOR HIM ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. DO YOU WANT HIM TO LESSEN HIS ANGER ISSUES? THIS FOCUS IS JUST GOING NOWHERE AND YOU SAY YOU ARE BASICALLY IN LIMBO WITH THIS. SECONDLY, CAN YOU MOVE ON TO A LESS STRESSFUL PLACE OR ARE YOU STUCK IN THE PAST?

IF YOU LEAVE HIM, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOUR LOVE WASN'T OR ISN'T REAL, IT JUST MEANS THAT YOU LOVE LIFE AND YOU WANT A BETTER TOMORROW. HE CAN BE A REAL PART OF YOUR MEMORIES AND EXPOSURE TO HIM ON A LESS FREQUENT BASIS OR NO BASIS MAY BE THE ANSWER.

IF YOU STAY WITH HIM, AND YOU STAY THE SAME AND HE STAYS THE SAME, YOU WILL GET MORE OF THE SAME. IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

I APOLOGIZE IF YOU FELT THERE WAS ANY JUDGMENT IN MY RESPONSE
YOU PUT IT OUT THERE, AND AS A LAY PERSON, GAVE MY HONEST FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION, TAKING NO SIDES.

GOOD LUCK IN YOUR LIFE'S DECISIONS. DELIA SANDERSON

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 11, 2011

I understand better where you are coming from and you raise questions that I feel are very valid for my situation. I appreciate the fact that you apologized although I am not sure that you needed to. I apologize for being rude, if I was. I have been very upset this week and know that my writings have not been very positive. I have suffered some trauma that I did not realize until this week. I have been repeatedly threatened with divorce and the emotional and verbal abuse has gotten to me. Symptoms of depression have been lingering as I struggle with the situation. I am seeking professional advice and do appreciate your concern and comments. I hope you will continue to follow this thread.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 11, 2011

Also, typing in caps is considered yelling when you are online, in case you didn't realize that. I am overlooking it this time because I understand that this blog has gotten a bit emotional and I do appreciate everyone supporting me and giving me advice because it is very helpful. I am basically alone in my home with this man most of the time and he is not like this with others outside of our home, so no one else sees it. I have contacted his family and made them aware of our situation so they will not be too surprised when living arrangements change.

deliasanderson

Posted by @deliasanderson, Nov 11, 2011

HELLO, NATIVE FLORIDIAN, I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT'S JUST EASIER WITH THIS NEW COMP AS IT HAS ALL DIFFERENT KEYS THAT I DON'T GET YET. IF I WERE TO BOTHER CHANGING TO LOWER CASE WHEN I SHOULD, I DOUBT I'D GET ANY LETTER OFF. IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. THIS WAY, I WRITE THE SAME AS I WOULD TALK. NO I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MEANS YELLING. IN THIS CASE IT HAS NO INTENTION OF THAT. I HAVE AN ONGOING RESPONSIBILITY AND A LOT OF DISTURBANCE SO I DO HAVE TO GET MY THOUGHTS DOWN QUICKLY. I DO REFLECT BEFORE I WRITE WHILE I TEND TO MY RESPONSIBILITY.

SO SOMETHING MAY DEFINITELY CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE TODAY. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO APPROACH THIS? ECKHART TOLLE IS EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING. HE HAS ALL THESE 2 MIN. VIDEOS THAT ARE FREE TO VIEW ONLINE AND THEY REALLY HAVE GIVEN SOLACE TO MY SOUL IN DIFFICULT TIMES. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH HIM. IT'S NOT ANY RELIGION THAT I AM PUSHING, IT'S MORE OF FOCUSSING ON THE NOW AND STANDING BACK TO VIEW YOUR THOUGHTS OBJECTIVELY AND CARRYING OUT ACTIONS THAT YOU CHOOSE RATHER THAN BEING DRIVEN BY A CERTAIN EMOTION/HORMONE. IT CERTAINLY IS NOT A ROBOTIC PHILOSOPHY, AS THE STRESS IS ON 'JOY' AND OPERATING FROM THAT STANCE RATHER THAN ALLOWING SUFFERING TO DICTATE ACTION. HE HAS DIFFERENT TOPICS SO YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT'S RELEVANT TO YOU NOW. TAKE CARE, AND I HOPE YOU MANAGE TO UNCOVER YOUR JOY THAT HAS GOTTEN BURIED WITH ALL THE UNPLEASANTNESS OF YOUR REALITY. ONE LAST THING, ECKHART'S PERSONAL JOURNEY FROM THE TIME HE WAS A BUM ON A BENCH AND IN ONE MOMENT HE MAKES THE REALIZATION THAT THE REASON WE LIVE IS FOR THAT JOY. SO HE REALIZES THE SELF HE HATES IS ALL THE PROBLEMS HE'S FOCUSSED ON AND HE'S NEGLECTING HIS TRUE SELF, HIS REAL SELF, THAT ONE THAT IS DRIVEN BY JOY AND HAPPINESS ALONE. IT WAS AFTER THAT HE WROTE HIS FIRST BOOK AND HE'S WRITTEN SO MANY BY NOW. IT TAKES EFFORT, SOMETIMES GREAT EFFORT TO MAINTAIN THIS FOCUS BUT I FOUND IT REALLY HELPS ME TO STAY POSITIVE AND SEPARATE FROM OTHERS' PROBLEMS. WITH THIS ATTITUDE, I AM ACTUALLY, I THINK, CAPABLE OF HELPING OTHERS WITH THEIR PROBLEMS BUT I DON'T MAKE THEM MINE.

I ENJOYED YOUR LAST COMMENTS. COMMUNICATION DOES REQUIRE FEEDBACK BOTH WAYS. HOPEFULLY, YOUR INNER STRENGTH KICKS IN IN MOMENTS OF NEED. DELIA

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 13, 2011

Thanks for the feedback. I like Eckhart Tolle too. I like your attitude too. I too try to keep a positive attitude. it is not always so easy in the midst of adversity. The distractions of another's problems coupled with being a target for anger can be an extremely difficult situation.

enanas

Posted by @enanas, Nov 10, 2011

Don't pay attention to anything from Delia on this issue. Bravo for your comment that this person has things quite mixed up. I'd ignore any further posts from this person. I hope you are getting help in this forum.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 11, 2011

I think I understand better where Delia is coming from after reading her lengthy reply. I have been unusually stressed this week because things have escalated, the man stated he was 'moving out and getting my own place' on Monday evening. He disappeared for over 24 hours and then returned to our home. He has not spoken one word to me and continues to keep all of his clothing packed on his bed. I am waiting to see if he is moving out tomorrow since he has the day off.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 11, 2011

I appreciate your comments and concern but I am taking into consideration everything that is written on this blog because it is all helping me. My situation is traumatic and it has affected me in ways that I did not expect. I am usually very happy and I have had symptoms of depression lately which I have sought treatment for. Unfortunately, long term effects of this type of stress upon me will continue unless we stop living together. Since he is not willing to change and continues to give me silent treatment and threats of divorce, it is time for me to make a change. I will seek professional help tomorrow and do what is best for my health, as I am unable to assist him in his health related concerns any further without it being detrimental to me. I do love this man but I do not love his behavior and he must learn that life is not about just him and if he is incapable of loving me any more then that I must accept. Some people can not love others when they are so wrapped up in themselves. Sad, but true.

enanas

Posted by @enanas, Nov 10, 2011

I think this reply is irresponsible and wrong. The assumptions here may be projections or imagination at play. This response, Delia, invalidates the trauma this woman is experiencing by writing off what she has said, ignoring her feelings/pain/suffering, and making up scenarios that are absurd. How do you know this man was honest when they got married? How do you know this woman believed marriage would change this "honest" man? Who are you to pretend you know anything about this woman's intentions, reasons for marriage, or current position. Her last line indicates that her husband's behavior came about a few years ago and thus her pain and agony should be recognized by your own standards of issues regarding choice. If you choose to respond to this post, please don't use all caps and please reflect before you write. I understand that it is difficult to be criticized in any forum. At the same time, this forum should be supportive and should not be blaming people seeking help, support, and advice. So, all caps and response that is clearly not thought out would be a waste of your time and our time. Please rethink and please figure out a way to be supportive. I am sure everyone here would appreciate that.

enanas

Posted by @enanas, Nov 10, 2011

People who behave as you describe your husband do not change when the behavior is long term and no treatment is available. While I respect the sanctity of marriage, it sounds like it is time for you to take care of yourself by seeking your own counselor and an attorney. You may also invest in a voice recording device (I like Olympic) to begin privately documenting your husband's abusive behavior. You'll want to be careful that you set up the recorder so that it does not make any sounds at all when you are using it (e.g., no beeps when the recorder is turned on/off and no sound if "play" is accidentally hit). You need a recorder that you can sync to your computer and you need to make sure that the files are password protected and hidden. The files will be large. You will also want some kind of external hard drive to back up your recordings weekly. Make sure to keep the external hard drive at a trusted friend's house or family member. DO NOT allow your husband to know what you are doing. These files will be important to share with your lawyer and will also be useful with counseling. When you live with a person like your husband you might start doubting yourself or reality. It is very important to keep records for yourself so that you are able to know that your trauma is completely real. In addition to recording events I would also set up a private email address that only you know about and use this to keep a written journal of events. You will just write out your "journal entry" in an email that you send to yourself at the same email. These records will also be very important in helping you obtain the care and support you need to leave your husband or to have your husband removed from your home. Wishing you well. EN

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 11, 2011

I thank you for this advice, as I will be consulting a professional tomorrow and will decide with that advice what steps to take to protect myself. Your advice is good and I will keep all of this in mind as I proceed with action to protect my own sanity. I can no longer care for this individual unless he goes into treatment and I doubt that is going to happen. He will not change his behavior, he has made it clear to me that we will not be "making up" this time and I am not inclined to "make up" only to repeat the same cycle and pattern of abuse. I have enabled his abuse of me because i thought that the side affects of his medication should be overlooked becfause I agreed to marry him knowing his illness and his medication. I just didn't realizze to what extent prolonged use of prednisone coupled with repressed anger could affect his behavior so drastically. It is very unfortunate and I am not in a position to be a punching bag any more. Thanks so much for all of your comments and concern too. I really appreciate you ladies for giving me so much to think about and to support me during a very lonely time.

deliasanderson

Posted by @deliasanderson, Nov 13, 2011

hi, i'm sure the therapy will help because you want it to.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 13, 2011

I think that therapy is a good source for guidance in a difficult situation. Sometimes it is difficult to separate emotion from the equation. Confusion can set in when too much is going on and decisions need to be made. i've received professional advice this week and feel that I have all angles covered, psychological/emotional, legal, medical and finally, I've shared the situation with family and friends and am no longer flying solo on this. I appreciate all of your advice and support here on the mayo blog because it is good to know so many people have concern for others, even strangers that turn to the internet for help.

peacekeeper

Posted by @peacekeeper, Nov 14, 2011

This has been removed for violation of our terms of use.

nativefloridian

Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 16, 2011

Peace Keeper, I understand your philosophy but there are people that truly need this Master Physician to work through human physicians in order to heal them. I don't think that discouraging others to seek medical attention is a productive thing to do on this forum. Not everyone on this earth gets a miraculous healing like you. I am not discounting your experience and believe your experience is your reality. Please realize this and know that although everyone's opinion is respected here many have been helped by medical doctors. I am happy for you and happy to hear you are enjoying life again. Blessings!

Fibro-sufferer likes this
deliasanderson

Posted by @deliasanderson, Nov 23, 2011

nf i think you are so right. quite often it takes more courage to seek human help than prayer alone. we are made of flesh and blood and even though we are aware of our spirit it is through our senses and cognition that we survive. from prayer, i believe comes the answers and the clarity of the next step in our journey and as humans we can see with our eyes God's message in a number to call, an office to go to, a friend to unite with, etc...etc and then we use our ears to listen, our feelings, thoughts and voice to respond. God, I believe gives us strategies to help ourselves and these include reaching out to others. He expects us to deal with other humans in this world as both a helper and a helpee. everyone has their ups and downs and sometimes we are in a position to help and sometimes we need help. you are right perhaps miracles do happen but on a day to day basis, society is set up to care about its members and people should use these services if they feel they need them and quite often this is the answer to their prayers.

Native Floridian likes this
anon33437135

Posted by @anon33437135, Jan 27, 2012

Time will heal the pain.

tabi

Posted by @tabi, Nov 23, 2016

This is exactly my experience.
I have to get my husband to leave...he's been threatening to do so for three years and has demeaned me, belittled me. I will tell him at the weekend. I can't live like this.

safetyshield

Posted by @safetyshield, Nov 24, 2016

No one should be exposed to bullying from anyone. If you can I think you should leave him if you feel he is a danger to you. I know you may want to help him. But the best way is to protect yourself first and foremost. Once you are safe and secure than you can get him help. Protect yourself first and foremost.

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