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Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011

Broken Hearted, What can I do?

Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 24, 2011

Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don’t know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won’t talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.

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Debera
@debera

Posts: 11
Joined: Oct 13, 2011
Posted by @debera, Oct 27, 2011

Sorry life is too short. How old is he? Has he been checked for bipolar. What time of day does this start?


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 27, 2011

Never been checked for bipolar but I don’t think that is it. His cycles of mood swings are farther apart than 4 days. Yes, life is too short. Sadly, he chooses his own misery and tries to pull me down into the pit too. He is just downright mean and nasty when he is in his bad mood swing. I doubt that we will cohabitate indefinitely as he is unwilling to change.


Stape
@stape

Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 28, 2011
Posted by @stape, Oct 28, 2011

one thing i think you should a point of doing is being there for yourself. take care of yourself while you are outside of your home, and do things to make the inner you be ok with you. i think, could be completely wrong and dont hesitate to tell me if i am, your husband carries a lot of baggage with him from his home life growing up. his anger could stem from dissatisfaction with his upbringing, and the fact that he felt that he is illegitimate as a person for not being able to right wrongs that were out of his control growing up. and if that is the case, he needs to address those issues. one cannot be there for another if they cannot be there for oneself, and at this point, it seems that your husband is hurt too much by his past to try and address it. you must realize that behind his anger, there is probably a lament for a troubled past (child). that is not by any means to justify his abuse of you, not in the least bit. but it may make it easier for you to understand his gross anger in realizing that his childhood was probably a highly dysfunctional one. but you will never know unless HE decides to open up about it. maybe you could try speaking with your husband about his past when he is in one of his better mood swings. if you feel that love still remains for your husband and that a go can still be made in marraige, try to converse with him and see if he might open up a little bit about his past. if he does not show any willingness to change, i think you owe it to yourself to contemplate how you want to live the rest of your life. complacent and succumbing to his will, or assertive for your own happiness. itd be optimal for you and your husband to be happy together, but i think at this point, he has to have a talk with his inner child and bring it back to you. also i believe a clear conscience is the only way to live, but especially in a situation like this. you might do well to reflect upon your own behavior in your marraige, and see if there is anything you could improve upon. not to say that anything you may have done warrants a fat lip, but if you were to convey a few of your own shortcomings in attempting to discuss your husbands life with him, he may be more apt to open up. i could be absolutely wrong, but i hope i helped at least on a limited basis. be well and best of luck to you and your go in this beautiful, painful thing we call life 🙂


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 29, 2011

I believe you are right about the inner child stuff but this man is unwilling to go there in therapy. When we married he admitted that he had ‘anger issues’ and told me he would go and work on them with a psychologist. He did for several sessions and as soon as the PhD started to get into his childhood, he clammed up and refused to go back to see him. I’d been through some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with the same doctor and he was excellent. He told me that my husband just didn’t seem to want to work on his childhood issues. Unfortunately, we were already married. My husband promised me before we married that he would continue this therapy to overcome his ‘anger’. I should have made him complete the process and not married him until he successfully unloaded his baggage. He promptly quit counseling after we were married, much to my dismay.


birdsong
@birdsong

Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 29, 2011
Posted by @birdsong, Oct 29, 2011

With bipolat mood swings can be fast or months.


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 5, 2011

I’ve been thinking about what you wrote alot, you are so on target about this man I am married to. I am seriously considering ending the relationship if at all possible. I am so tired of dealing with someone that really doesn’t want to get ‘well’. He thinks I am his problem. He is cold, mean, uncaring and rude to me. When my teenagers are home (they live with their dad about an hour away) on weekends, etc. he is nice to them one weekend and the next he just ignores them. They think he doesn’t like them. I tend to agree. They are good kids and don’t deserve to have someone like him for a step dad. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to remove us from his life because he is not going to get better because he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behavior. He feels justified in his anger and continues to act like a you-know-what when he is home. I hate it.


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Nov 22, 2011

Just fyi, I’m an avoidant type with childhood issues. I’m trying to go to therapy and it’s just not working …I can’t talk at all. So, ultimately, I’m just ending up with a feeling that it’s just another thing I have failed at. The result is feeling worse. And then add to that, the fact that now I’m more aware of how screwed up I am and how much my past has affected me but with no resolve to go with it. Then take away the coping skills I have relied on to survive all of my life …because now they just look like it’s been a futile effort. That’s my summary of pushing myself into ‘therapy’ to ‘get better’. I don’t think this is better. I’ve been contemplating if addressing issues head-on is always the right thing to do.
I don’t know if this would interest you but Wikipedia true self & false self and read similar concepts. I found Alice Miller to be particularly interesting. I was also trying to find more information on Joan Riviere, negative therapeutic reaction, & “defensive organization” but general look-ups have lacked the detailed information I was seeking.
I guess my reason for commenting here is that the comments I’ve seen (either here or on the ‘loving someone with a personality disorder post’?) regarding people’s willingness to change have gotten to me. Willingness just is sooo not the issue with me and I wanted to add another perspective of what someone might be thinking.

Liked by ???


???
@2

Posts: 53
Joined: Aug 29, 2011
Posted by @2, Nov 24, 2011

NF, you comment on a lot of posts. Please, comment on the one above. I’m not looking for some big answer or a conclusion …just your thoughts. What you were thinking, if you looked up any of that, do you think your husband might have similar feelings? While sorting things out for myself, I also like to hear the opinions of others. Especially, those that come from another point of view.
The perspective I wanted to add is that maybe your husband doesn’t feel he has control over his emotional well-being. But, know that I admire the effort you have made to find resolve and work it out. I also whole-heartedly believe that you should put you and your family first if he treats you badly.


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 25, 2011

Anon: Why can’t you talk? You see, I don’t understand that. If you really want to get better, you need to open up with a therapist and learn what it is you need to do to help yourself. I also think that you’re thinking and analyzing this to death, you need to just make a list of your issues and work down the list. Start with all of the people that have truly ‘hurt’ you and why and go talk to the therapist. They are great at giving you insight as to what you may have done to cause someone else to have the ability to hurt you. sometimes we are just innocent victims and other times we are just plain naiive about people, like choosing the wrong friends, spouses, etc. Like I’m not the best judge of character, well, I’m much better now than I was in the past but that’s because I learned the hard way. I appreciate you wanting to add another perspective to this blog because that is important. I’ll take a look at the Wikipedia references you mentioned and comment later. I’ve got a plane to catch early in the morning.


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 25, 2011

I believe you are right about putting the family right if the treatment is not healthy. Strict boundaries are in place now and measures have been taken to protect my health and well being, as well as the children. My husband avoids life, in general, he is just someone with low energy, low self esteem and learned from his family of origin to ‘keep quiet’ and not make any waves. Sad, but true. We go to joint counseling and it is helpful, but he doesn’t always talk much there either. At least it keeps him in line, for now.


Andrew D
@andrewd

Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 30, 2011
Posted by @andrewd, Oct 30, 2011

“He speaks of things from his past that scares you”, just from what you have shared I am assuming that he is not tell the doctors of these thing no more than he has confided to you, and until he does the hard work of growing away from these past truamas nothing about him will change, and the abuse is the damage it causes inward, the physical part heals long before the abuse of the inward doubt of self worth. This is a very unhealthy relationship for you, if he does not become more willing to work on himself for clarity of himslf and the harm done to him as well as the harm he’s doing to you , he has a choice as do you to do whats best. You can go to therapy every day, but if you don’t be honest and open then it will be of no effect, as it is here. He is not responsible for his illness but he is responsible for his recovery of self, and all the love in the world will not change him until he makes an honest go at it. Yes it can get really bad, don’t kid yourself. He must want it for it to happen. GBG


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Oct 31, 2011

Thanks for the comments, I have much to think about and ask all to say a prayer for my strength and wisdom. I feel much stronger now just sharing my plight with others and appreciate all of the comments very much. Have a safe Halloween. Blessings!


vrswesley
@vrswesley

Posts: 15
Joined: Oct 29, 2011
Posted by @vrswesley, Oct 31, 2011

If you can …..I hate to be harsh ….leave him… if its against your religion….God will understand….you arent required to live with someone who wont get help.
im sorry i know its not simple-i care

Liked by tamara1967, Leanne


Native Floridian
@nativefloridian

Posts: 175
Joined: Oct 15, 2011
Posted by @nativefloridian, Nov 2, 2011

It is not that simple. Are you married? That is a harsh opinion to have but I understand that some people just aren’t as tolerant as I am. I don’t think God wants people to just get divorced for the sake of divorce, to make life easier or more enjoyable Sure it would be nice sometimes to trade but that’s not really what God wants, i dont’ think.


atljoe
@atljoe

Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
Posted by @atljoe, Oct 31, 2011

Your husband has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (“PTSD”). I know plenty about the symptoms. My PTSD has been under control for many years. Your husband needs professional help and he needs you by his side during his treatment program, otherwise, he will fail. I’m still extremely embarrassed by my past behavior. Divorce? I think not. Remember vowing “…in sickness and in health…”? To ignore his issues and divorce him is irresponsible. You will only send him into the world in an unbalanced mental state and both of you will be even more miserable. Without your support, it is HIGHLY LIKELY that he will give up and commit suicide.

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