Over the years I have developed a theory about the source of these negative reactions by people with dementia (e.g., blaming, resisting). I have seen three frequent causes:

1. Physiological Changes that change personality. I know that this happens and you have my wholehearted sympathy if you are facing this. I do think that some people assume that their loved one is experiencing this when in fact, the negative moods may be one of the other two cases below.

2. Their own pain, shame and frustration at their condition leads them to lash out in an effort to feel better by finding others at fault.

I have found that my most useful phrases are:

“My fault!”
“Silly me!”
“ I’m sorry, I can’t believe I forgot to do that!”
“You would think I’d know better by now”

… and…when they have done something wrong (or terribly staining )

"No problem!”
“ These things happen”

Yup. I don't wait to be blamed. I take the blame proactively. If you do this just as they are doing something wrong, it can preempt the frustration or embarrassment, avoiding the negative behavior altogether. Often, I even ham it up when I take the blame, exaggerating my chagrin, so we can laugh about it together :).

3. Escalation of tense interactions. For example, it could be that I was terse because I was in a hurry, and that then made him anxious. Or, it could start with him getting cranky and me responding in kind. Either way, negative feelings can feed on each other or persist much longer than desired.

I try to be mindful of this. I read that dementia patients often do “emotional mirroring”, that is, they display negative emotions when they sense stress in the people around them, and that they pick up on non-verbal cues of people being anxious, impatient, or rushing around them My husband is very sensitive to tone. So if I want for things to go smoothly, harmoniously and as fast as possible, I know that I have to maintain an upbeat and caring tone. This has a fabulous side-effect: By acting calm and loving I feel better than if I let myself act out stress.

The last tip I will share on this is to remember: Don't let an outburst rattle you. They usually blow over quickly or can be dispelled with some distraction. I found that if I let it get under my skin, I am likely to stew over it long after my husband has gotten over his little snit!