1. < Men's Health

Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Posted by Native Floridian @nativefloridian, Oct 15, 2011

Anyone out there think that this is a good idea? Some people are just too ill to have sex and if they are married, obviously their mates suffer. What do you think? Are there solutions to this problem or is it such a hush-hush topic that nobody wants to discuss it. I'd sure like to know whether or not a long term sexless marriage exists and if it can be a happy one.

Thanks for considering my questions and feel free to anonymously respond, if that is your desire.

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stage4wife | @stage4wife | Feb 12, 2023
In reply to @danab "Hi Dbennet, Welcome to connect. My answer would be not something that probally would go over..." + (show)
@danab

Hi Dbennet, Welcome to connect. My answer would be not something that probally would go over well. As a believer in the Bible and God's promises I come from a different perspective.
Have you given thought to if you were the one who could not have any form of sex would you be OK with your advice? I've been in a relationship without for about 10 years now. When I married her our vows were in sickness or health. I like to think about someone like Christopher Reeves and how his wife stuck by his side. Now I can see cuddling is still an option but I can't imagine much more. And if you are a faith based person a marriage is for a lifetime. So with God's help i have come to accept it and enjoy the other aspects of our lives. Some other examples would be like a nursing home situation, I have an uncle whose wife my aunt had MS (she passed away recently) which in the later stages is pretty much just a time of very few words and just being there for her. I suggest a book that is based on a true story called "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks. Of a man with a wife who developed senile dementia its also movie with James Garner in it. Beautiful story of the kind of Love I hope I can have in that situation. So I hope maybe youu might reconsider what love is as we get older.
Blessings

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Amen, my wedding vows mean that to me also. I am the well spouse, husband has been on blood pressure meds and this led to no lovemaking. Now he has prosthetic cancer, returned after prostatectomy, in 2020. It’s back.

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Mentor
Jim, Volunteer Mentor | @jimhd | Feb 13, 2023
In reply to @arctic22 "My shot are costing right at 95 a bottle ..depending on the dose should give 12..." + (show)
@arctic22

My shot are costing right at 95 a bottle ..depending on the dose should give 12 to 16 erections ... I get mine from menMD .. have u talked to your Dr. about this ... most won't go right ot the implant till you have tried the shots .... also my Dr showed me with a implant since I'm a "grower" and not a shower whatever you can grab the head of your penis and pull is what you will get with an implant .. she said you will lose length and if you are obese will lose even more as it is shrunk back into your body .. I'm exploring all the options and I live in an area that has a practice at USF that is has done the largest amount of implants ..best of luck to you keep me posted on your outcome please ..

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@arctic22 I'll talk more after my appointment with the urologist.

Jim

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paktoledo | @paktoledo | Feb 18, 2023
In reply to @danab "Hi Dbennet, Welcome to connect. My answer would be not something that probally would go over..." + (show)
@danab

Hi Dbennet, Welcome to connect. My answer would be not something that probally would go over well. As a believer in the Bible and God's promises I come from a different perspective.
Have you given thought to if you were the one who could not have any form of sex would you be OK with your advice? I've been in a relationship without for about 10 years now. When I married her our vows were in sickness or health. I like to think about someone like Christopher Reeves and how his wife stuck by his side. Now I can see cuddling is still an option but I can't imagine much more. And if you are a faith based person a marriage is for a lifetime. So with God's help i have come to accept it and enjoy the other aspects of our lives. Some other examples would be like a nursing home situation, I have an uncle whose wife my aunt had MS (she passed away recently) which in the later stages is pretty much just a time of very few words and just being there for her. I suggest a book that is based on a true story called "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks. Of a man with a wife who developed senile dementia its also movie with James Garner in it. Beautiful story of the kind of Love I hope I can have in that situation. So I hope maybe youu might reconsider what love is as we get older.
Blessings

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Agree. Love ❤️ your comments!

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evrtgln | @evrtgln | Jun 17, 2023
In reply to @nativefloridian "What if the reason is health related and the other party does want to have sex?..." + (show)
@nativefloridian

What if the reason is health related and the other party does want to have sex? Should the neglected spouse bring up the issue with the ill spouse? It seems to be a very touchy subject.

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This is unfortunately a reality for many. There’s no one solution or magic wand. The reality is that no matter the circumstances the partner that is suffering from the inability to make love to their ill spouse will experience emotions similar to those you go through when grieving the death of someone close. If it’s possible to even spend a few moments a day holding hands, or sitting by one another it can make all the difference in the world. The healthier mate should try to refrain from entertaining all the why can’t he/she just do this or just do that and how hard would it be to just do X or Y this only leads to further frustration. Substituting pornography and or masturbation can also be a slippery slope as you don’t want to become your own best lover or have a warped view of what intimacy is. I wish, hope and pray every day for the ability to continue to NOT become more saddening but what is essentially a loss on the level nearly that of death or divorce. Love to all. Hang in there. Don’t blame. Don’t shame. Don’t give up.

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mikem8 | @mikem8 | Jul 5, 2023

I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling BC for over 15 years. It has been a sexual trainwreck, but l love this woman like no other and could never see myself ever cheating. This has unfortunately wreaked havoc on my mental status. The sex abruptly ended as soon as the hormones were chemically shutdown, it was over pretty much from there. There were many attempts on my part until she finally had the courage to admit that she felt nothing sexually and nothing would change that. I am 60 now and had hoped by now my sexual feelings would begin to
wain, but no, its worse!! Personally l feel as if l am in a living hell. I wish it weren't true but it is. I know l am not alone in these private feelings.

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4 replies
mikaylar | @mikaylar | Jul 6, 2023
In reply to @mikem8 "I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling..." + (show)
@mikem8

I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling BC for over 15 years. It has been a sexual trainwreck, but l love this woman like no other and could never see myself ever cheating. This has unfortunately wreaked havoc on my mental status. The sex abruptly ended as soon as the hormones were chemically shutdown, it was over pretty much from there. There were many attempts on my part until she finally had the courage to admit that she felt nothing sexually and nothing would change that. I am 60 now and had hoped by now my sexual feelings would begin to
wain, but no, its worse!! Personally l feel as if l am in a living hell. I wish it weren't true but it is. I know l am not alone in these private feelings.

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Be thankful for life itself and all the other blessings you have. Volunteer somewhere. Help others, keep busy, go to church. Be happy you have someone to live with. Many are alone and lonely.

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rrradar | @rrradar | Jul 7, 2023
In reply to @mikem8 "I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling..." + (show)
@mikem8

I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling BC for over 15 years. It has been a sexual trainwreck, but l love this woman like no other and could never see myself ever cheating. This has unfortunately wreaked havoc on my mental status. The sex abruptly ended as soon as the hormones were chemically shutdown, it was over pretty much from there. There were many attempts on my part until she finally had the courage to admit that she felt nothing sexually and nothing would change that. I am 60 now and had hoped by now my sexual feelings would begin to
wain, but no, its worse!! Personally l feel as if l am in a living hell. I wish it weren't true but it is. I know l am not alone in these private feelings.

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No, you are not alone with your private feelings. I haven’t a solution to your problem but it’s a very difficult one.

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budisnothome | @budisnothome | Jul 8, 2023

Check out the prostate cancer support group on connect. Wednesday July 12 has a doc reporting on sex. It is on zoom.

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paktoledo | @paktoledo | Jul 8, 2023
In reply to @mikem8 "I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling..." + (show)
@mikem8

I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling BC for over 15 years. It has been a sexual trainwreck, but l love this woman like no other and could never see myself ever cheating. This has unfortunately wreaked havoc on my mental status. The sex abruptly ended as soon as the hormones were chemically shutdown, it was over pretty much from there. There were many attempts on my part until she finally had the courage to admit that she felt nothing sexually and nothing would change that. I am 60 now and had hoped by now my sexual feelings would begin to
wain, but no, its worse!! Personally l feel as if l am in a living hell. I wish it weren't true but it is. I know l am not alone in these private feelings.

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Because of health issues, of my husband, it has been years too for intimacy of that kind.
I exercise a lot!

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Mentor
Chris, Volunteer Mentor | @auntieoakley | Jul 10, 2023
In reply to @mikem8 "I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling..." + (show)
@mikem8

I have quite a bit to say on this subject. First, my spouse has been battling BC for over 15 years. It has been a sexual trainwreck, but l love this woman like no other and could never see myself ever cheating. This has unfortunately wreaked havoc on my mental status. The sex abruptly ended as soon as the hormones were chemically shutdown, it was over pretty much from there. There were many attempts on my part until she finally had the courage to admit that she felt nothing sexually and nothing would change that. I am 60 now and had hoped by now my sexual feelings would begin to
wain, but no, its worse!! Personally l feel as if l am in a living hell. I wish it weren't true but it is. I know l am not alone in these private feelings.

Jump to this post

I usually do not discuss this, just because it is no one’s business what happens or doesn’t happen in my bedroom. My husband and I are often referred to as the love story for the ages.
I got breast cancer in my 30s and like your wife, I just lost the capacity for sex. First physically as the tissue atrophied and it would tear, bleed and be an excruciating exercise. Then mentally as I tried to avoid that pain and humiliation. My husband and I did find other avenues for intimacy that did not involve actual intercourse.
He was very kind and patient, and continued to love me like no other man could or would.
Six years later my husband was diagnosed with a devastating bone cancer that left him in pain all the time and broken bones, and one lung partially paralyzed. This ended our sexual life for good. One day when we were talking about this he said “if I had been like our friend, and left you over this, then who would have loved me when it happened to me”.
We are still very much in love and and enjoy each other’s company and I am grateful daily for my marriage.
I don’t know if any of that info can be helpful to you, but try to talk about this with your wife, and remember love doesn’t require sex to be healthy.

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