Spouse with cognitive problems and finances

Reading your message about your husband, I can relate to you because we both have the same situations and I am relieved because I am not alone or going crazy. Fear of the unknown is starting to weigh on me so I must live just for today, and it’s a struggle. I hope to learn from this group so I am more confident about my decisions that I alone must make for my husband and myself.

We are putting our home on the market and plan on moving in with our daughter. Bill wants to sell (that isn't the problem) but he doesn't want to live with anyone other than me. He keeps saying he only has a short time left (has CKD stage 3) - but buying another home and then needing to make another change doesn't make sense. He wants me to live with daughter if he goes before me - and if I go first he would live with her rather than go into a nursing home. Robin's husband had major dementia problems so is well aware of what she is facing (which I hate putting her through again). As it is I have to do everything for both house and yard - spent the weekend tree trimming - we have a large yard area and an HOA that demands perfection. Trying to keep finances afloat!

@Julie Chitwood
I think moving in with your daughter is best for him and you ... just convincing Bill or just telling him like I did my Mama when she had to come live with us .. it is the only best choice we have.

Frank, my husband helped me as caretaker with my mama for two years. My health is not good .. and lost a lot of weight in that time, but back up now. It is important to take care of yourself. Maybe Bill will understand that you need help. Mama's insurance did not pay for people to come in and help with baths and such. PT they did pay for to come to the house. Frank found pull-ups that would do Mama most nights. .. she got to where she would fall trying to get to her potty chair .. I have a bum hand and putting diapers on her was a big pain.

Was Bill a writer of mysteries? Before all my health issues got so bad I was going to read a murder mystery and I think I remember one of your husband's books as a choice.. but long ago and I may be remembering wrong. I cannot pay attention for long anymore.. so leave my reading to short stories and poems.

Oh .. you mentioned genealogy in one of your post as an interest. My husband, Frank (on Ancestry as Lewis Goff) is a dna match to a Julie Chitwood… are you the same one?

ZeeGee

Zee, yes Bill has written about 20 books, mostly mysteries. Not real long reads. He also does a blog.

I'm probably that Julie Chitwood - maybe. If it is a gehrandt tree and/or matching with Craig Ruecker then it is positively me. If so would love comparing notes.

At the moment I'm exhausted as started work early to get ready for Realtor's picture taking tomorrow. We live at the foot of South Mountain in Phoenix. Most fantastic views - and neighbors.

I bought a Shark IQ remote vacuum and while I'm taking a break it is working away! Love it.

Your husband sounds wonderful - as do you. Hard work being a caretaker!

Doesn't look like a match to me - but if that Julie Chitwood is a Chitwood line then she would most likely be connected to Bill in some manner. All the Chitwood tend to tie in together.

Tracking family trees keeps me sane!

@billchitwood
No doesn't appear a match. There was only one match to her and Julie nor the match had a tree. Frank had a couple more with Chitwood name .. most no tree, but the couple that had a little seemed to be from Alabama and Tennessee. I had a few matches to Chitwood too, but again not much in trees and they were from Kansas and Kentucky in my matches. So we may connect with Bill somewhere along the line. Yes, most of the time genealogy helps keep me sane… but sometimes it boggles my mind. My parents are 5th cousin and their branches are all gnarled together. Frank's about the same on his birth father's side (birth father died in car accident when Frank was almost 4 years old) His step dad's the same.. gnarly. I gave up on all those William Goffs… not sure which one is son of John Goff. .. but know they all go back to him some way.

@billchitwood

Julie no Gehrandt connection for either of us.

I hope you managed to get some rest. I hope to never move again .. our daughter lives in Roswell GA and son in Valdosta.GA. We may eventually need to move nearer to our son… the thought of packing all this collection of household goods and family heirlooms is mind boggling … and Frank's workshop.. a yard sale would be needed to downsize it. .. or small explosion .😁

It is very hard work being a caretaker. It is hard physically and mentally. Frank and I agree that we would do it all over again. He thought as much of my parents as he did his own and his parents were my second set of parents too.

A fantastic view and neighbors is great. Our next door neighbor helps us out a lot. Our scenery is pecan, pine and oak trees. Which I love.. even though I am highly allergic to pecan pollen. I can eat the pecans fine.

Frank has been my caretaker off and on for a few years. I was on a feeding tube for a bit over a year .. couldn't handle that on my own.

I will check into Bill's books again. . and try to find his blog.

Hi @janet7, I'm glad that you can connect here with Julie aka @billchitwood, @tsc @rgalitis @teacher502 and others.

I completely understand the feeling of what you said, "Fear of the unknown is starting to weigh on me so I must live just for today, and it’s a struggle." It is so important to live each day and hour as it comes, but also not losing yourself or your health.

Feeling more confident in your decisions is not easy when caring for someone with dementia. What seems like an absolute necessity one day may turn on a dime the next to be a non-issue. You can't help but doubt your assessment of the situation with these fluctuations. I'll be interested in hearing from others about how they learned to accept the future and trust their decisions and where they found support to make and uphold them.

So, let's start with one day at a time. How are you doing today, Janet?

Hi Coleen, I’m feeling better today knowing that I am no longer alone,
thank you.

Hi @janet7, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please trust that you will do what has to be done. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's nearly three years ago, but I knew something was wrong before that. He withdrew from social activities and was not using the proper words to express himself. It was difficult coming to terms with his diagnosis because he had always been so on top of things and I depended on him. I started taking more responsibilities reluctantly and he was eager to hand things over to me - like our finances, house maintenance, etc. I really hated doing everything, but I knew I had to. Now, three years later, he has no short term memory, but other than that, functions pretty well. I 'm managing okay. He has a good disposition and appreciates all I do. He broke his hip in a fall about six weeks ago and that thrust me into another panic of uncertainty, but we've both come out of it okay. Throughout all this I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, which was quite debilitating for a year, before diagnosis and treatment. That's how I found Connect which has been a great help. As @colleenyoung mentioned take each day one at a time. Try not to let yourself get overwhelmed by all that has to be done, break it down into manageable tasks in terms of their importance. Ask for help when you need it and find ways to take care of yourself. All the best, Teri