Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

This is a 10 year old post so I'm sure you've experienced a lot of changes during that time but I just stumbled on it. I want to comment in case it can be helpful to anyone.

My marriage went sexless in 2007 after my spouse had a radical prostatectomy, making him totally impotent. He lost all desire and rejected me.

We went to couples therapy and it helped some at the time but his rejection and lack of desire never changed..

I sucked it up and decided sex wasn't the most important thing, even though I have a very healthy libido, but now all these years later I realized I've been repressing my own needs.

It has led to more communication, a little action, but I'm getting pretty fed up. He just doesn't think about it unless I do all the work.

The sad thing is, I love him dearly. I love our life together. But now over a dozen years later living in forced celibacy, I'm depressed. Communication hasn't made a big difference.

He doesn't even effort to read, research, understand. It's pretty unfair.

We've been together over 20 years. Those who have not been through this really are clueless as to how challenging it is. It has only worked in my marriage because I agreed to live celibate with this man. Not by choice.

Physical intimacy with us is rare. Emotional intimacy is stable, I'd say. But I realized recently that this is not ok with me anymore.

I don't know what the fate of your marriage ended up being but can it survive? Sure. At what cost? I don't know.

Hi. I was diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia at age 20. Married at age 21. I was extremely fatigued and daily chemotherapy made intimacy impossible at times. My husband never complained if we couldn't have sex for months at a time. Regardless of our newlywed status, he took his vows wholeheartedly. After all. He married me knowing full well the outcome was bleak.

Ten years later, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sex became a real challenge. As we all know, there's a lot of movement going on. If you suffer with chronic pain, fatigue, or incontinence, your body simply shuts down and sex becomes a no go area. For him. He was always subconscious of 'what might happen' should he have an accident during sex. He would often crack a joke but I knew how much it bothered him. Going from a fit young man. Extremely athletic, to feeling trapped indoors like a frail old man.

*I apologise for the long post.*

Another ten years passed, with various treatments, and his health ping ponged. He had good days and bad days. Like myself, still taking chemotherapy, still fighting, right along side him. Sex was kinda like, "oops, that didn't go as planned... ABORT ABORT!! MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!" Sometimes we joked about it. More often than not, there were tears, apologies, more tears. Arguments. Gosh. I really hated those. He never shifted the blame. After all. He was sick.

Then we were tested again. He got sepsis and pneumonia. After being in a coma for 3 weeks in ICU, he woke up. He had lost 80% of his memories. He didn't know, recognise, people, places and it was a very hard time for him and our family.

Being told your husband is dying is extremely difficult to accept. I argued with the doctors and specialist. "He's my buddy. I won't give up on him. Hope. That's all I have."

When he came home that first night from the hospital, all I wanted was to make love to him. To reassure myself. I know that sounds kind a selfish, but we had always enjoyed sex. When I nearly died from an ectopic pregnancy, and over dosing of chemotherapy, we always reconnected deeply through sex. But I knew deep down he had been through a traumatic experience and it would be inappropriate to expect it.

Going forward another 5 years, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. (2021)

It's been a total of ten years without sex in our marriage. I think sex is a big part of being married but it's not a deal breaker. Do I miss it? Sure. Does he miss it? Absolutely. He has offered to take medication to try and fix his erectile dysfunction but I can't consciously ask him to. The risks, side effects, are simply too much to put him through for a few hours of pleasure.

Again. I apologise for the long post. I guess I talk too much.😂

Anglis, long posts are welcome, especially when they are so helpful. The anticipated health challenges and the unknown one yet to come have obviously been handled openly and honestly. As you know, without sex doesn't mean without intimacy and closeness. How would you define intimacy in a loving relationship?

Hi Colleen! It's nice to meet you. How would I define intimacy in a loving relationship? Hrmmm... Well. For us. We bathe each other. Help dress one another. Those are very intimate moments that never become a chore. With touch, smell, laughter, you remember when you could be closer. When illness wasn't an issue.

A normal day for us, sitting together on the sofa, holding hands while we watch a movie, or favourite tv show from the 80's. We talk all the time. And I do mean ALL the time.

(I encourage repetitive subjects, memories, for different reasons. Briefly, he lost 80% of his memory from lack of oxygen to his brain. He unknowingly had sepsis and pneumonia. I had to give CPR until the paramedics arrived.) 2015

We have a lot in common and I think friendship and unconditional love is paramount to couples that deal with illness or disability that limits, restricts, or sadly, stops sex altogether. Sex is extremely important. It keeps you healthy in mind and body. It releases stress and produces all those feel good chemicals in our brains. (I sound like an info commercial.)

Kissing. Hugging. Releases very important chemicals. Kissing on a regular basis helps reinforce the bond a couple has. I read this some where. Hugging reassures. It gives comfort and a sense of security. But you know. I don't want anyone reading this to think we are some super awesome couple. (Please don't throw fruit and veg at your screen. 😂) *I love to make people laugh.*

Simply beautiful, Anglis.
It sounds like laughter is also an important part of human connection for you too. Love it.

My wife and I have been married for 34 years and 13 years ago she has become ill and has lost all sexual desire. We have not had sex that entire time. We are deeply in love with each other still and the rest of our marriage is very good and I am as happy as I can be with the situation. I love my wife so much and don't know what to do. I don't think there is a solution to this problem and I would rather love without sex than leave her.

My wife and I have been married for 34 years and 13 years ago she has become ill and has lost all sexual desire. We have not had sex that entire time. We are deeply in love with each other still and the rest of our marriage is very good and I am as happy as I can be with the situation. I love my wife so much and don't know what to do. I don't think there is a solution to this problem and I would rather love without sex than leave her.