1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Is yelling and over-talking a part of dementia?

Posted by maryflorida @maryflorida, Dec 23, 2020

His doctor said he has early onset dementia. Normally he is very pleasant, but about once a month, he answers a my question (not an angry one) with a tirade of "explanation" which is loud and overtalking me, lasting for maybe 10 min. Sometimes I leave, but I can't always if it is late at night. This last time I got angry back, which is scary and not part of my personality. We live far from our children so I have no one nearby. My question is: is yelling and overtalking a part of dementia?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Larry | @larryh123 | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @teacher502 "That shoulder surgery is quote painful. I have wondered how we would function if I have..." + (show)
@teacher502

That shoulder surgery is quote painful. I have wondered how we would function if I have to have any type of medical procedure....but you sound like superwoman with a compassionate brain! Great idea getting him to help you. My sweet hubby stands around a lot now but he used to instinctively know what to do without prompting. I guess I had not thought of specifically asking him to help with things I know he can do. Thanks for sharing!

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As one that is living with this stuff first hand - I can say that we (patients) also fret about what would happen of my caregiver has medical issues. I do. I dont drive so I couldn’t take my lovely wife and dedicated caregiver to appointments or even to the hospital.
We think about how we are going to help with things if this might occur.
Lots of things cross our minds.
Your mention of your hubby standing around a lot - I do the same. Sometimes I want to jump in and do something - but know that it isn’t really something I should be doing. Other times I am ready to jump in - just need a little prodding. When my wife feels mine “lurking” (our word) she will ask if I want to help and remind me how we used to do this or how i used to enjoy this.
These are just a few thoughts from “in here”.

Caregivers are in many ways - super women and supermen - superhero’s in our minds. And n the minds of those watching. - and there will be plenty.

So do something nice for yourself today. Take a walk - talk to an old friend, g to the beach, have a good stiff drink, read a book - just do smoreting for yourself. We need you to do that.
In our minds - we know we can be a burden. My wife used to wake up and wonder which Larry she is going to get today.
The waning between good and not so good days is a roller coaster for you and us.
We’d rather be able to stop the ride and get off - but we cant.

Thank you for all that you do for us.

Peace
Larry H

REPLY
2 replies
amesmassage | @amesmassage | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @colleenyoung "I often draw parallels between approaches with children with caring for someone with dementia and understand..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

I often draw parallels between approaches with children with caring for someone with dementia and understand your effort to "be as patient as I used to be in my classroom." The difference, as we all know, is that with children we can look forward to progression, but dementia forces us to face and accept regression. I acknowledge this reality only to offer permission for people to cut themselves some slack when patience might be in short supply. We're human, not perfect, but human.

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PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our DISEASE, & OFTEN can COMPREHEND what is GOING on, even tho we may not be able to communicate completely or undetstandably!
It is VERY HARD for our brains to do 2 thibgs at once which is what talking takes: speak8ng AND thinking about what words to say!

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3 replies
tamarab | @tamarab | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @becsbuddy "@tamarab How have things been going for you? I imagine it IS hard to remain quiet..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@tamarab How have things been going for you? I imagine it IS hard to remain quiet when words are spoken in anger.

https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/619985/ Have you seen this new discussion by @larryh123 ?

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Becky, I have tried with degrees of success-failure to keep mum. He has new reasons for upset so a bit harder. Right now we are okay --as long as I allow him to school me on how to talk and what to say.🥰😇

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Larry | @larryh123 | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @amesmassage "PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our..." + (show)
@amesmassage

PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our DISEASE, & OFTEN can COMPREHEND what is GOING on, even tho we may not be able to communicate completely or undetstandably!
It is VERY HARD for our brains to do 2 thibgs at once which is what talking takes: speak8ng AND thinking about what words to say!

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Well stated my friend. It’s great to have another patient - LBD here - for perspective.
When I first read the post I was taken back by the word children as well.

I really hope you will jump in and comment often to help others understand from our perspective.

I do know Colleen and know she would not try to demean any of us with a dementia.
With that said - totally agree with you on the multitasking, The idea of we comprehend what is going on. When you mentioned that even if we cannot communicate it we know - I say that a lot.

I do see this an example of the tension that can exist between patients and caregivers on the subject of communication.

I guess the moral of the story is - communicate. It may not look like it did before all of this - for us and our caregivers. We have found a couple of days to help understand each other better.
Make sure you have the other persons attention. Make sure they can see your face (to see expressions). We can see our expressions and kind of tell when the other is ready to turn over the talking stick. It can be a bit awkward - but it can work.

Be creative - ask us how it might be easier to explain things. Like you mentioned about multitasking. When one of my sons calls for some advice when doing some electrical work ( was an electrician for many years) I cant follow the conversation anymore. Too many steps to keep track of. Then some times I will be doing something and another shiny object goes by and what i was doing is out of mind.

Peace
Larry H

REPLY
Teri | @tsc | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @larryh123 "As one that is living with this stuff first hand - I can say that we..." + (show)
@larryh123

As one that is living with this stuff first hand - I can say that we (patients) also fret about what would happen of my caregiver has medical issues. I do. I dont drive so I couldn’t take my lovely wife and dedicated caregiver to appointments or even to the hospital.
We think about how we are going to help with things if this might occur.
Lots of things cross our minds.
Your mention of your hubby standing around a lot - I do the same. Sometimes I want to jump in and do something - but know that it isn’t really something I should be doing. Other times I am ready to jump in - just need a little prodding. When my wife feels mine “lurking” (our word) she will ask if I want to help and remind me how we used to do this or how i used to enjoy this.
These are just a few thoughts from “in here”.

Caregivers are in many ways - super women and supermen - superhero’s in our minds. And n the minds of those watching. - and there will be plenty.

So do something nice for yourself today. Take a walk - talk to an old friend, g to the beach, have a good stiff drink, read a book - just do smoreting for yourself. We need you to do that.
In our minds - we know we can be a burden. My wife used to wake up and wonder which Larry she is going to get today.
The waning between good and not so good days is a roller coaster for you and us.
We’d rather be able to stop the ride and get off - but we cant.

Thank you for all that you do for us.

Peace
Larry H

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Larry, I learn a lot from your posts. You're always so upbeat and thoughtful. Thank you!

REPLY
Teri | @tsc | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @amesmassage "PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our..." + (show)
@amesmassage

PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our DISEASE, & OFTEN can COMPREHEND what is GOING on, even tho we may not be able to communicate completely or undetstandably!
It is VERY HARD for our brains to do 2 thibgs at once which is what talking takes: speak8ng AND thinking about what words to say!

Jump to this post

Thanks, @amesmassage. I realized I was aggravating my husband and throwing him off when I interrupted him in the middle of some task he was performing to raise something new. So, I have to control my impulses, step back, and let him do one thing at a time. Also, I accomplish more and have better focus when I do not multitask. Wishing you the best, @tsc

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Aug 3, 2021
In reply to @amesmassage "PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our..." + (show)
@amesmassage

PLEASE remember tho, that WE are NOT children--we LIVED FULL LIVES, met MANY responsibilities BEFORE our DISEASE, & OFTEN can COMPREHEND what is GOING on, even tho we may not be able to communicate completely or undetstandably!
It is VERY HARD for our brains to do 2 thibgs at once which is what talking takes: speak8ng AND thinking about what words to say!

Jump to this post

Oh my gosh @amesmassage and @larryh123, I am so sorry. I see how my message would get completely misinterpreted and be offensive. I was trying to convey - and not very well - that patience is so important and to remember that everyone is trying their best.

Truly, I have been schooled here and I thank you for drawing me up to task. My word choices were wrong.

REPLY
1 reply
amesmassage | @amesmassage | Aug 4, 2021
In reply to @colleenyoung "Oh my gosh @amesmassage and @larryh123, I am so sorry. I see how my message would..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Oh my gosh @amesmassage and @larryh123, I am so sorry. I see how my message would get completely misinterpreted and be offensive. I was trying to convey - and not very well - that patience is so important and to remember that everyone is trying their best.

Truly, I have been schooled here and I thank you for drawing me up to task. My word choices were wrong.

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Well, you may have misinterpreted my words also. I was just reminding everyone that we are not children....

REPLY
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Aug 4, 2021
In reply to @larryh123 "As one that is living with this stuff first hand - I can say that we..." + (show)
@larryh123

As one that is living with this stuff first hand - I can say that we (patients) also fret about what would happen of my caregiver has medical issues. I do. I dont drive so I couldn’t take my lovely wife and dedicated caregiver to appointments or even to the hospital.
We think about how we are going to help with things if this might occur.
Lots of things cross our minds.
Your mention of your hubby standing around a lot - I do the same. Sometimes I want to jump in and do something - but know that it isn’t really something I should be doing. Other times I am ready to jump in - just need a little prodding. When my wife feels mine “lurking” (our word) she will ask if I want to help and remind me how we used to do this or how i used to enjoy this.
These are just a few thoughts from “in here”.

Caregivers are in many ways - super women and supermen - superhero’s in our minds. And n the minds of those watching. - and there will be plenty.

So do something nice for yourself today. Take a walk - talk to an old friend, g to the beach, have a good stiff drink, read a book - just do smoreting for yourself. We need you to do that.
In our minds - we know we can be a burden. My wife used to wake up and wonder which Larry she is going to get today.
The waning between good and not so good days is a roller coaster for you and us.
We’d rather be able to stop the ride and get off - but we cant.

Thank you for all that you do for us.

Peace
Larry H

Jump to this post

@larryh123 and @teacher502 i, too, have thought about all the ‘what if’s’. I’m trying to use this time to research and figure out what is available in the community. Sure, i can ask the neighbors, but not on a regular basis and we don’t have family near by.
I found the following programs that have offices in every state. Might be worthwhile investigating. Do you think any would be helpful?
REPLY
2 replies
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Aug 4, 2021
In reply to @becsbuddy "@larryh123 and @teacher502 i, too, have thought about all the ‘what if’s’. I’m trying to use..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@larryh123 and @teacher502 i, too, have thought about all the ‘what if’s’. I’m trying to use this time to research and figure out what is available in the community. Sure, i can ask the neighbors, but not on a regular basis and we don’t have family near by.
I found the following programs that have offices in every state. Might be worthwhile investigating. Do you think any would be helpful?

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These are some other resources i found here on Connect.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/325998/

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