Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

A Very good response LB...my husband was extremely ill, for 15 year's of our 25 years ❤ together. He did not make it through Heart Transplant Surgery, at age 64! He was the Best Man Ever in my life! Much more in life than sex! Sex does not make a marriage, and it NEVER did! BE thankful it's not you, sick! You are Very Blessed if you have your health! 15 years later I still wish my sick husband was here, I'd give anything to see him and hear his laugh!

You are right Sex doesn’t make a marriage. My beautiful husband shared with me years ago, “Love must get past the bedroom.”

You’re an amazing example to help others understand this sharing your story about your beautiful husband.

Thank you!

We used to have a very normal sex life. But then I got a kidney transplant. For a good ten years after transplant I noticed it was a 50/50 chance of getting an erection because all the meds I was on were starting to affect my love life. Since then my sex life slowly disappeared. All of this related to all the meds I'm on. Me and my wife love each other enough to see through this but it was very difficult for me at first. You must find other ways to connect and keep love strong!

We used to have a very normal sex life. But then I got a kidney transplant. For a good ten years after transplant I noticed it was a 50/50 chance of getting an erection because all the meds I was on were starting to affect my love life. Since then my sex life slowly disappeared. All of this related to all the meds I'm on. Me and my wife love each other enough to see through this but it was very difficult for me at first. You must find other ways to connect and keep love strong!

@gbolson
Good point.
My Dad was paralyzed from the neck down but according to my Mom their non conventional sex life was great. I think it’s tragic how so many couples don’t live up to their wedding vows. While at the Spinal Cord Rehabilitation Center in Phoenix several wives left their paralyzed husbands. I still remember my Mom consoling the men. Very sad.
Jake

I am in a similar situation, my wife has a history of cystitis which now has progressed to a constant soreness of skin that means sex is impossible. The problem has been that she doesn't want any touching or intimacy "in case I want more" so there is just hugging (a bit)....we also have a toddler so we row a lot and the resentment surfaces often because I am not allowed to mention this situation. I feel constantly on the edge of rage and sometimes throw stuff around to vent it, which I am ashamed of, especially in front of my young son. However, there is no one to hear my side and, while I feel a lot of sympathy and try to help as best I can, she thinks I don't care and my anger is a sig of that uncaring attitude. Occasionally we've had mutual massages which calm us both down and feel good, but soon the situation crashes again, the nagging starts, the feeling of a life sentence for us both.
I would be happy (happier) with some kind of intimacy but can't see a way out of it. By the time anyone figures out what this condition is, I'll be too old (I'm over 50) and she'll be too sick of me. I'm pretty desperate most of the time. Cheating is out, I have no appetite for that. I would love someone to care though, that would be nice....
Anyway, good luck, if you can get the mutual massage once a week to stick I reckon that's the best way.

Hello @lonelyhusband1968 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Empathy for another person's situation is core to this community, so I am glad you've joined and shared your feelings and experience.

It is understandable she isn't able to have sex if it causes pain. What I am wondering if she is open to intimacy, outside of intercourse, or if she is no longer interested in general?

I am in a similar situation, my wife has a history of cystitis which now has progressed to a constant soreness of skin that means sex is impossible. The problem has been that she doesn't want any touching or intimacy "in case I want more" so there is just hugging (a bit)....we also have a toddler so we row a lot and the resentment surfaces often because I am not allowed to mention this situation. I feel constantly on the edge of rage and sometimes throw stuff around to vent it, which I am ashamed of, especially in front of my young son. However, there is no one to hear my side and, while I feel a lot of sympathy and try to help as best I can, she thinks I don't care and my anger is a sig of that uncaring attitude. Occasionally we've had mutual massages which calm us both down and feel good, but soon the situation crashes again, the nagging starts, the feeling of a life sentence for us both.
I would be happy (happier) with some kind of intimacy but can't see a way out of it. By the time anyone figures out what this condition is, I'll be too old (I'm over 50) and she'll be too sick of me. I'm pretty desperate most of the time. Cheating is out, I have no appetite for that. I would love someone to care though, that would be nice....
Anyway, good luck, if you can get the mutual massage once a week to stick I reckon that's the best way.