When things just don't get better

Yes, I believe you need to take steps to get your needs met such as a sympathetic, supportive person to talk to. Someone who accepts you just the way you are. Not to pass judgment on people who suffer with the disease of alcoholism, but they normally expect people to take care of them rather than them supporting or understanding you. It is the nature of their disease. Waiting for them to change, if they have no desire, is like beating a dead horse. So it may be best to change your focus to find solace elsewhere. You can still have them in your life but you need to lower your expectations because they have their own issues. Remember, there is always hope for you. Glad you joined this forum. Take care.

@lacy2 @sundance6
I am with you guys. No one is asking that much. Maybe just to be listened to and commiserated with. I don't think that is too much to ask, and certainly not of family members, unless you've done something like pilfered their bank account or something 😉 I feel like I am so blessed to be mostly healthy at 68 and I give my wife all the slack she needs. I give her my ear, as well as my heart and concern for what she goes through. I agree that some folks need to experience pain and suffering and debilitating illness to then be able to form that compassion for others. For some reason I do not. I love my wife deeply and feel so much sorrow for how much she suffers, and I give to her as much as I have to give. I have to say, I like you guys, Lacy and Sundance. And I like many other people here on Connect. I think you are special people. I hope you are having a GOOD Sunday! (Though I know most of your days are a challenge.) Best, Hank

@sundance6 @lacy2 @suz55 We each and all of us, experience life differently, even as siblings growing up in the same household. Often I have referred to something growing up, and my siblings saw/experienced the same event quite a bit other than I had! So, it stands to reason that those closest to us bring shades of the past to the present. Sometimes, they don't want to conceive of the notion a partner/family member is ill, because it may bring feelings of panic or helplessness to them. Or they have no reference on how to offer support. For myself, it is a sanity-saver to consider my friends and family-of-choice as my sounding board, and support system.
Ginger

Thank You So Much!
Sundance(RB)

So nice to hear of you and your wife's relationship and I am sorry she is ill. (One of my problems too is tinnitus and it is relentless). My husband is 9 years younger than me and was in reasonable health (we each have survived cancer) but few years ago I took a nose-dive and he had been looking after me; then 8 weeks ago he had triple bypass surgery and I had to somehow take over while he was gone 3 weeks... and now we are propping each other up. He keeps his feelings to himself and I don't... but we are still there for each other, married 40 years (my second marriage). Being a caregiver can be a strain on a relationship, and being in the house a lot due to his recovery and Covid, its the "little things" that seem to bother us, especially being so cold outside and neither of us driving right now. This must be so hard on many people especially with health issues. However, "sympathy" costs nothing and yet some people just "cannot" feel it or express it for others.
Best wishes to you too Hank, and your wife...J.S. (Ontairo)

JS,,SUZZ, LACY, GINGER, HANK, Thank you all for allof your thought and encouragement! For some reason this morning conversation with my family it all hit me hard! As I have said being an only child you get used to being on your own and standing up for yourself!
I just this week recived the "Mayo Clinic, Guide to Fibromyalgia!" I'm about half way through and it gives so much information and guidance on both Fybromyalgia and Lyme Disease! (Both have many of the same similiar symptoms) If anyone out there is looking for a great description of how to life with either of these illneses I would suggest ordering it on line, I got mine on Google!(About $25 if I remember)
It also talks about how hard it is to accept, after 75 years, of being so active in so many activities to have those taken away because of illness!
Back to my point about being an only child, I have been truly blessed in 75 years to have had many Wonderful Mentors, Special Friends, both female and male, and have met so many Wonderful People people in my life! I guess it is just something that you have to learn as time slips by!
It just seems stange that it comes back to being on you own!
I've made many mistakes and correct decisions in my life, it seems stange to end up alone! But I'm also blessed with four Wonderful and Special Animals that are my Special Spirits!
Thanks and Love to all of you who take the time to read and offer help!
Have a Blessed weak!
Sundance(RB)

@lacy2
Hi J.S. I do so agree with you. Kindness costs absolutely nothing, and yet some people can't seem to express it. Weird if you ask me.
You guys and we are a bit similar, at least superficially. We have been married 42 years and I am 5 years younger than Linda. We always kidded each other about how that was perfect, as men tend to die approx. 5 years before their wives, so if I am 5 years younger maybe we'll both kick together 🤞😊. Fortunately (knocking on wood here) I am mostly healthy and able bodied and am able to provide for whatever she can not do for herself due to pain or lack of energy. That must have been extremely challenging for you to have to pick up the reins for your household while he was incapacitated. The situation surrounding his bypass surgery must have demanded a lot of trips to medical facilities. Did you have relatives that could help or were you relegated to taxis and Ubers/Lyfts? Are you near Vancouver or a more remote locale? It pains me so to think about those such as you guys, with so many problems and not adequate help. I wish society offered a way for ones who need some assistance to connect with those who would be willing to provide some fill-in help as needed, for people who want to (and mostly still can) live on their own but just need that extra help here and there. I'd sign up to do what I could. Heck, it seems like an online app could be created to do that somehow. I am glad you have found Connect JS, it has been a big help to both Linda and myself this past year. I have learned lot's of helpful things and met some truly wonderful people in the process. And as for BC, there is some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever seen, both in BC and in Alberta. Our trip through that area in 2001 was one of our fondest memories. Unfortunately 9/11 cut it short, as we were in Revelstoke on that day. My best to you, Hank

I can absolutely relate. I grew up the youngest of twelve. I didn't have much self-confidence or feeling of ability to relate to others. My father could be abusive in punishments. In my twenties I ended up with wife with family and mental health problems. I spent fifteen years spirally down trying to help her. I ended up a single dad. I spent another fifteen years being a single dad and ended up losing my health, job, and home. Always trying to make things better. But, always seem to run up against something else that seemed to negate any real improvements. That something I have been reaching for keeps being yanked just out of reach by something else. It has been somewhere else that I did to hurt myself. The economic changes over the years. Political influence on assistance and what was offered as help. And family fragmentation. I can't tell if I am growing or getting stronger because there always seems to be something more. I can't tell if the struggle is actually going down the road in life. Or am I just stuck in quicksand constantly flailing around.

@carlbradley42 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You say you are not sure if your struggle is a result of the road of life or if you are flailing around in the same spot. You seem to have insight to your problems as they have happened to you, and that is definitely good, even if it is looking backwards and understanding them more. I am curious if you have been able, in the course of things, tried therapy of any kind, or self-examination through journaling, to help coping with the negative events and how to rise above them?
Ginger

I am sorry you have had the struggles you have had. But look at you, you have made it this far. I try to look at the simple bright spots like a sunrise, birds singing, thinking of spring and new life. You are not alone, there is a greater power that rules our world. I try each day to be thankful for something even if I don’t feel it, I say it and you know what somehow it works. There is hope.