Severe anxiety/depression. Need help.

Posted by Mimi @anoushey, Oct 22, 2018

Hey everyone,
Five months ago I had mental breakdown and wasn’t able to get out of bed, let alone work or even get out for a meal for days. I experienced severe depersonalisation/depression/anxiety and involuntary bouts of crying.
The doctor put me on venaflaxine which made me borderline suicidal. Was then gently moved to Zoloft but the side effects including suicial ideation, eye pain, blurred vision, seeing black spots, nausea etc didn’t leave me. I was switched for the 3rd time onto the lightest dose of Escitalopram 5mg 6th of last month with 100mg Pregabalin in the mornings and 100mg Pregabalin in the night.
I’ve taken off work because nothing in life interests me at this point and am barely living one day at a time. I know I’m not suicidal but the ideation doesn’t go, however if I try and stop the meds, the anxiety comes back with a vengeance. I also suffer from diurnal mood variation disorder, which means my mornings/afternoons are the worst and I only feel better by evening. I’m slowly trying to get off the pregabalin. And am going to increase dose of anti depressants. Anyone have any clue on this? Sorry for the lengthy message. Am desperate.

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stlouisgmajenn | @stlouisgmajenn | Oct 27, 2018

Many of us are weaning off effexor, venlafaxine. 100s of posts on this. You're not alone in your anxiety/depression.

rachalanne Shelley | @rachelanne | Oct 27, 2018

In reply to @littlepaw "This is the first time I've written about Mum and to have good feed is very..." + (show)

My Mother passed away 18 years ago tomorrow and I am celebrating her life by working on my book about coming back from my Stroke! I know she would be so proud of me for following my own dream; as she wrote her thesis on a subject near and dear to my heart! Tomorrow will be both difficult and grateful! I'm glad to be ALIVE and to carry on one of her important legacies; which was to take and learn from mistakes and to move forward!!!!!

Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Oct 27, 2018

In reply to @rachelanne "My Mother passed away 18 years ago tomorrow and I am celebrating her life by working..." + (show)

@rachelanne This is a good project for you! It is my experience that when a parent passes away, no matter how good or strained our relationship with them, we do remember them on the day of their passing. My mother passed away on Kentucky Derby Day 1996, so every 1st Saturday in May I recall that. My dad passed away 11/3/2012, and this year I will be participating in a charity event, which would be right up his alley (to give back to others).

rachalanne Shelley | @rachelanne | Oct 27, 2018

I have often felt the exact same way, in terms of Suicidal Ideation a Nervous Breakdown, Anxiety, Depression, and "GIVING UP COMPLETELY!" However, I know that my Mother, whose Yarzheit (Anniversary of her Death), is tomorrow wants me not only gto live, but to help others like myself; so I am hoping my response somehow makes you know you are definitely not alone! I believe, that we ALL have the power to tell our PHYSICIANS how our medications make us feel, and to ask for an EQUAL PARTNERSHIP in our own Healthcare! I'm still struggling with letting go of what happened to me, in terms of literally being "let go", from an entire Team of Physicians 4 years ago October 9, 2014!!!!! I have Epilepsy from a Major Stroke, Asthma, Memory Deficits, Anxiety, and many other serious Medical Conditions, which required Continuity of Care; however my best friend, is the one whom not only knew I would have the Stroke, because of being on 19 medications at the time of my Stroke, including the Birth Control Pill, but who found me my current Team of Providers! L know what you are going through, because I have lived in your shoes for so many years! I NEVER EVER thought, that I would be ALIVE today!!!!! I thought my FUTURE was OVER, when I kept being MISUNDERSTOOD by all those Physicians, whom all take an Oath "FIRST DO NO HARM!!!!!" I never expected to receive ANY HEALTHCARE PERIOD, let alone the BEST, most CARING INDIVIDUALS and PROFESSIONAL TEAM of PHYSICIANS! I am proud to be ALIVE and HAPPY! I want you to be happy and to feel better soon!

rachalanne Shelley | @rachelanne | Oct 27, 2018

In reply to @gingerw "@rachelanne This is a good project for you! It is my experience that when a parent..." + (show)

Thank you John! I am so grateful, to have people in my corner at this most difficult time of the year! That's why I am trying to finish and publish my book! It's called "Misunderstood and Resilient", and is dedicated first and foremost to my Mother! I miss her every single day of my life; but I have taken what she stood for, and exactly who she was to myself, and am dealing with tomorrow, by going out with some friends tomorrow, or going out and thoroughly enjoy the day by myself! Either way, I want to HONOR my Mom in the best way I know how today! She was not only my Mentor, but she was so HONEST, KIND, and BEAUTIFUL in so many ways! She always gave to others, regardless of who or, what they represented, etcetera!! I know how she would feel today and she is frankly in a better place! It doesn't take away the hurt, but just knowing others, have unfortunately had the same experience of honoring their loved ones, has definitely, helped me deal with my grief! I am just focusing on CELEBRATING HER LIFE and MY LIFE!

Mimi | @anoushey | Oct 28, 2018

In reply to @tina5 "I am sorry you are having to go through this. I am sorry I don't want..." + (show)

Yes, I do have ample family support thankfully but my anxiety is baddddd. I’m seeing the doctor again on the 1st and hoping for the best

Mimi | @anoushey | Oct 28, 2018

In reply to @littlepaw "You've had a huge meltdown which likely took a long time to manifest itself and will..." + (show)

@littlepaw

You've had a huge meltdown which likely took a long time to manifest itself and will more than likely take some time, step by step to mend. You will probably be a happier person as you heal because your long suffering is over, its out in the open. My mother had a breakdown like yours, but, she never pursued professional help and somehow she managed to pull through. My view is her recovery came by having oodles of loving kindness surrounding her. She also loved a whole lot. She has 50 grandchildren included in there her greats and add to that her own children, and we all kept her occupied. She herself was very witty and kind. At every occasion she gave generously without hesitation. This enabled her to maintain a measure of dignity and restore laughter during her recovery period. She juggled, and ducked and dived, robbed Peter to pay for Paul after all she had a huge field to play in, I mean all those children. She spoke of her trials often, regularly sharing gave us a lesson to learn. We all listened carefully even though at times it was done painstakingly. Eventually she was able to empty out and throw all the negatives to the wind, her past trauma's had passed. Her present care was where her mind wanted to be. The complexity of a breakdown is dynamic and hard to digest at best. She wanted a simple version of life now. One she could be content in. Her future, she didn't worry about. She remembered everyday to be grateful for what she had and tried not to mourn what she didn't have. She also believed in God. Striving after material gain could put her under compulsion so she avoided that in fact she avoided all kinds of pressure. When anxiety arose, she read, she created, painted...she rejuvenated herself someway. She was a creative soul so she'd find a way. When she broke her hip on a lip in the footpath she couldn't walk her anxiety away whilst picking flowers and branches on the way. She did need assistance with pain though. She brought Panadeine from the drug store nearly every week. She had huge varicose veins in both legs. Ouch. She had suffered more than anyone person should. I think she feared going to the doctor's because she was afraid to cry for fear she might not stop....not to mention dying from embarrassment.. Poor thing. At night she stood her legs under a cold tap for 10 minutes or so, so as to numb her legs in order to fall to sleep without the throbbing pain they caused her. She used a basin of ice, no problem for her to stick her feet in it. We all learnt from the local librarian how to use acupressure massage so we could bring relief of some sort to her. The foot was the patient. My goodness that was the bomb. It was so good that in the end we'd pay or bribe the grandchildren to do ours too. Father had Halcion for sleep back in their married years and now and then she'd indulge in one or two. But they were divorced now, after 35 years of marriage, the little blue melodies were sparse now. Mother's breakdown had much to do with fathers brutality and adultery. But something else came to her rescue, yes, it pleasantly surprised her. She discovered a thing called marijuana. She was 48 when she had her breakdown and soon her first whiff of marijuana wafted up her hungry nose. She was totally against this drug yet this one afternoon her daughter blew that smoke right next to her. She said she inhaled instant relief and so goes the story of why marijuana become her medicine. It also made her creative juices soar to a heavenly height. She died at 73, peacefully at home but to this day I'll always remember her telling me cannabis kept her sane.. it kept the stain of pain at bay. I think the moral of this story has to do with kindness and love. May you have that in abundance during your journey.

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Wow, your mothers my hero now. I’m going to take inspiration from her. Some days it’s just very hard

Mimi | @anoushey | Oct 28, 2018

In reply to @farabella "I’m so sorry you are going thru this. Maybe a higher dose of the Lexipro would..." + (show)

Thanks so much @farabella. Seeing the doctor on the first, meanwhile just dealing with my anxiety everyday

littlepaw | @littlepaw | Oct 28, 2018

In reply to @anoushey "Wow, your mothers my hero now. I’m going to take inspiration from her. Some days it’s..." + (show)

Thank you so much. My hope in writing this was that someone would get something out of Mum's experience. That's just great. Cheers

Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Oct 29, 2018

In reply to @anoushey "Yes, I do have ample family support thankfully but my anxiety is baddddd. I’m seeing the..." + (show)

@anoushey Family can be blood related, or not. That is one way to look at it, and remember, we are all family here around this cyber kitchen table! Know you can talk to us anytime, there is almost always someone online. Keep breathing, take it one hour at a time. We're all thinking of you and supporting you.
Ginger