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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Oh by way I drove the Boys back home on the 25th turned around went back to Indy at 6:30 in morn of 26th and stayed till I attempted to come home day he died to get son for his cancer treatment & give him time with his dad before treatment on the 29th... I never made it out of Indy before Methodist called and told me his bp was 60/? and he was having difficulty breathing I have berated my self for leaving early but it was the so-called holiday week-end and Vice President Pence was to be in my hometown where I do all my shopping so in knew there would be chaos and delays and I wanted to get son food etc in house as I was planning to take him home on Friday 29th and then immediately turn back around early Sat. morn and return to Indy... I even drove may self home after he died at 6:03 p.m.... yeah I have laid things down, misplaced etc. but I have also had to think of what/where we need to be come winter so been cleaning, sorting, throwing and packing up as I go... living in Box heaven.... had to have the son back down to Indy on the 3rd or he would of been kicked out of the clinical study and that could not happen as I promised his dad... we are back on our 3 week schedule now except is it on a Monday instead of a Friday... 🙂
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2 Reactions@reibur1951 The process of picking up the pieces after the death of a loved one is difficult to say the least. I appreciate your sharing this all in our discussion group on Grief and Loss.
Teresa
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3 ReactionsNancy/shortshot) My husband of 67 years, 7 months died on May 4. It has really been hard for me not only for grieving, taking care of all the paper work) SS, union, and the variouse other things that seem to come out of the wood work since then. Also having one son create anger, mistrust and various other things, updating my will/trust that Bob & I had created 20 years ago. Have this son & wife hold a "family" meeting about "mom" without me and making decisions about me, without me, I felt like a "non-enity. He and his wife talked about my will and what was/is in it and I just told them both that it didn't matter because I am Still Alive. So most of this stuff has not be fun!. Nancy
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1 Reaction@shortshot Hi Nancy:
You are right about the burden of the paperwork that follows a death. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having problems with your family since Bob's passing. Family problems often enter into the situation as well and that is very unfortunate. Sometimes grief makes people act in unpredictable ways.
I hope that everyone will begin to settle down as time goes on, but please keep posting. We are here and we are ready to listen and support you.
Teresa
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3 ReactionsAwe Nancy so sorry for your loss. Kids what can I say? Kids I think you gave them both something to think about. Good answer! Stay strong n humble.
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2 ReactionsNancy/shortshot, Thank you Teresa, I have been composting a letter to my son & wife, Not sending it till I have my daughter look at it. Everything is still raw, emotional, teary and what ever....... I don't want to give the imdression that I "hate" or anything. I just want my feelings known and respected of who I am. I am not going to be treated the way (I think) that my son & wife are treating me. They have even talked about the will and what is in It. First "I'm not dead" the old will is not any good. I have already had to talk to a attorney with all this stuff. Hopefully this will all go away soon. Meanwhile I had blood work last Friday and a cat scan last Wednesday and will have my immune therapy on Thursday. I have been feeling pretty good since starting this type of "chemo". That's a plus!
My #2 Son's first wife died of skin cancer and his second wife has Lung cancer and Brain cancer. She isn't doing very good. Hasn't been eating much this last week. My #3 son has his bone marrow sending out too may red blood cells and is on Cancer medication. As a mom I try to do what I can for all my kids, but I can't help then. I have put them all on the prayer list at church. So with all this going on I have to take one day a time. I have to take time for me! Nancy
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1 ReactionNancy/shortsht)_ Thanks a bunch, I need to stay strong for myself with my cancer. I just can't let anybody disrupt my life with petty crap. I just hope that when they get the letter, maybe they will understand me! Nancy
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2 ReactionsHello Nancy, @shortshot
I so admire the methodical, appropriate way you are handling this situation!
Your contact with an attorney is also important. We all need legal help in times like this. To invest the time and money to consult a professional is so good (I have seen what happens when people leave their estates "up to chance" or hope that the family members will all be agreeable after their passing).
It sounds as if all of your children are dealing with their own health and personal issues and that is undoubtedly adding to their stress. You are insightful to see that and realize the impact it is having on them. Your dependence on outside resources (your church's prayer list) is a great way to "share the burden" of your problems - very important - as we can't carry it all alone.
I am so glad that your immunotherapy is working so well for you and I'll pray that your upcoming treatment will continue to help you.
You are doing a great job of taking care of yourself, Nancy. I look forward to hearing from you again. Will you keep me updated on how you are doing?
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1 ReactionNancy/shortshot) Yes I will keep you posted, this avenue of getting things off my chest and see the reports of people you read and comment on my post's is a way for me to help me stay human and on my toes. I also am the proud owner of a "medical alert" which will tell my daughter and one son and my pastor if I fall. I also have a "county caregiver that stops by every week to ten days to check on me. I am blessed to have people to help if I need something. More paper work today, so better get busy. Nancy
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4 ReactionsAugust 3/ shortshot nancy) Hello Teresa, I had my treatment yesterday, cat scan showed no growth, and Doc says I'm doing just fine on the immune therapy. Next session is on the 23rd. Received bad news last evening. #2 soon Randy, has had to take his wife Joy to the hospital, she has been there now for five days. The doc's can't help anymore, hospice to start soon. If possible he is trying to some how get Joy to her folks who live 500 miles away and to start hospice there. I called him this morning and told my son that I loved him and am so sorry this is happening for the second time. Also if there is anything I can do to help, that I wanted to do it. Doesn't make any difference what, just so I can do something helpful. I have her on the prayer list at church. I really think I ought to talk to pastor sometime in the next few days when he is able to visit. My daughter Bec, ordered me a "alert" to wear in case I fall or something. So am wearing it. More later nancy
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