Hi, @kathy4385 -- saw one of your posts here today and was thinking of you. I'm wondering how you are doing and feeling with the loss of your dear husband.

Have you been able to get out of the house at all lately?

@2011panc,
Hi again! I missed you because I was, well, I went crazy. Hah! Didn't have to go there it came here. LOL.
Send a note from your recent post's and I'll try to catch up. I hired a female brain therapist and will meet her on Monday. I purposely hired a woman because I think she won't tell me to Man Up. I'll do that when I get my brain back. Need some energy too but my appointment with the dietician got canceled and moved to June 5. I told the lady I might blow away by then. I know it happens to a lot of people, loosing weight, but I don't want to go down to 137 again. I'm down to 150 now as of the last VA visit a week ago.
How's life on the Prairie? Hope springs' there for you! Things are blossoming around here and I love it because it's all green and beautiful.

@muppey Thanks for the check! I haven't been on much. I took a back fall about a month ago that really set me back (fell on one knee and ended up in ER, only soft tissue damage thankfully) and I've been sort of licking my wounds. I am in a good place now, except for feeling a little overwhelmed. My knee is good enough to walk again and I am cleared by my back surgeon for full activity and started rehab yesterday.

My week has been full. The HS baseball team had three games this week. They are off to a bad start, 1/2 of their team graduated last spring so they are basically starting over.

I finally met the latest baby in our circle, 9 weeks after birth! We kept missing each other. He is a honey and my position as baby whisperer is intact! lol My last nephew (nearly 3 now) and his momma stopped by for a few minutes this week on their way through town. He is the one that I went to stay with when his momma was getting ready to return to work. What a big boy he has gotten to be! We took a little walk and explored the neighbor's yards and delivered their mail that had been put in our mailbox. It was fun walking down the street with his little hand in mine and talking about how the neighborhood has changed since we moved here over 30 years ago.

I cooked an entire meal by myself all in one go. Something I have not been able to do for over 8 years. I made a vat of taco meat and have happily been eating tacos every day.

Our lawn, tulips and strawberries are greening up and the trees are budding out. The pines are dropping their cones and my husband has power raked (with his arms) all the lawns. By the end of May everything should be leafed out and starting to flower.

After at least a year of looking and negotiating, we bought a new car. We had been looking around and finally found something we both agreed on and liked. I'm smiling because it is the exact car I had wanted but didn't think he would agree to. He had been resisting by looking at almost everything else and suggesting numerous alternatives. He wanted full-sized but I wanted economy. I was willing to compromise on mid-size for the best of both worlds and the salesman (and car) finally convinced him that we don't really need a full size. lol

I took an alternative yoga class last week and discovered how much flexibility I have lost. PT also showed me how much stamina and flexibility I have lost. I have a good plan of action in place now, I just have to work it. Pray for me please. I know I will ache and really don't want to after being relieved of extreme back pain for such a long time. Weenie, I know.

Last night our in-laws invited us out for dinner and a play. It was good to get out and visit with them, but not my favorite restaurant or type of play. They loved it, so I didn't say anything I realize how picky I have become about certain things. Having limited stamina, I no longer feel the need to go to everything.

Now we are preparing for my next trip to Rochester, MN and a wedding near Albany, NY. That will fill my May. It is good to have some fun things to look forward to. I hope you find more hopefulness also.

I have seen so many nutritionists that I am a little jaded about them. At our age it can be tough to change a lifetime of eating habits, but I am sure once you start feeling better it will become easier. There was a while when I couldn't eat and had to use Boost, but I am gratefully past that now. I also lost a lot of weight at that time. My mother commented on it and when I had a lukewarm response she asked if I was not happy about it. I said I was happy to have lost the weight, but not how it came about. I have put some on and now struggle to keep it off. I am not happy that I have put some on over the last 2 months with the opioids, steroids and inactivity of recovery from spinal surgery and the fall that took my leg out. I am now renewed in determination to choose good food and raise my movement. Sounds like you need several months in your easy chair with donuts and ice cream. lol

Blessings and prayers continue for you. I am glad you have checked back in after being gone a while.

@2011panc
"Weenie, I know." Let them go through all that and see if they call you "weenie". I won't. Ticks my grits when people shrug and say that stupid saying..."Get over it!" OK, I'm all done thanks to you and your commanding ways! (Dork)

I'm tempted to move closer to my son Luke and my grandchildren but it'd break my heart to leave here. Luke lives in the CA Valley and it's flat. Some hills but, flat. Hot too! It's hot here but it seems bearable because I've got a swamp cooler with a small air conditioner as backup and it's a lot prettier here. Swamp cooler doesn't cost much to operate, more like burning an old time 100 watt bulb.

Just spent an hour cutting the field grass around my home. Still have about 10 hours to go. Wish Sarah was here!

I've got you and others on my prayer list by my bed. Pain Sucks and some people know that! I have one friend who's got prostrate cancer and he's only about 40 with a wife and two kids. He doesn't seem to be down about it but maybe he's a stoic so I don't bother trying to talk to him, he doesn't even seem to like it if I say "How you and yours doing.' He just says "Fine!" then moves away so I let it rest. I told him to call if he needed anything.

A girl brought up Job the other day. I told her I know Job and have often wondered how he put up with all that. Talk about pain and seemingly no solution, just acceptance and praise God who does no wrong. I don't blame God but I get a little testy and then think of King David who would get bummed out and go write a Psalm praising God. Wonders to me!

I guess it wasn't funny, but my brother Stephen was at the VA Hospital for the last time. Steve had already taken me out back at Mom's house and told me he was going to die in about 3 weeks and wanted me to have his Jeep, still have it. I took him there! After the Docs examined Steve they came out to me and were puzzled. "Is your brother a stoic or something?" I don't remember what I said but whatever Steve said or did confused them. I smile about it because Steve was more a philosopher and always out in the Stars somewhere. He was a great person to talk with, very patient and understanding, a rare commodity. Steve also told me he was fine with Jesus and wasn't worried.

Another funny. A lady friend was having some medical problems and was visiting her girlfriend where Murphys Creek runs through. She fell backwards into the creek and was floating down wondering how she was going to get out of this mess, she said her goodbye prayers when her husband dragged her out. She said it was really cold. It was only funny because the way she told the story and was able to laugh at it.

Wish I could find a real live person to talk with but I've had this problem since, oh...about forever. VA Therapist dragged it out of me and said, "Then you're a loner!" Not by choice originally but I had to accept it. It's OK if you're strong but I haven't recovered my strength. The X used to talk about 'energy thieves'...didn't know she was one.

You and Yours take care!
Nice to hear from you!
Mark

@muppey
Mark: What a great collection of stories. Interesting and full of meaning and personal tidbits.
Teresa

@kathy4385
"My friends and neighbors don't understand,"
That has to be the most frustrating thing to deal with! It seems people just dismiss you when you need an ear if nothing else, "Just hear me please." Weird, but they won't do that for you. I think I'll do a search and find someone who's written on this phenomenon. It's probably something like they don't want to because it is so far from them they just don't understand, or it frightens them. Guess that's why we have Therapists. At least they'll listen for a fee!

Take care and leave your pain hear and we'll try to help. Empathy or Anitpathy? I think your church is supposed to adhere to Empathy.
Mark

Yes, I agree, and at first they were, but I guess they think it should be time to get over it, and they moved on, when I still wasn't ready, so I have been left out.
So I just stay away'
Cant do therapists, as I have no insurance. and is hard for me to talk to strangers, at least face to face.
Thanks for your note.
Kathy

@kathy4385

I agree that the process is very much unique to each of us.

I never told anyone about the issues I was dealing with the first 55 years of my life. I was at such an incredibly dark place when I began seeing therapists that everything just flooded out over time. My first therapist wasn't my best, but when I started seeing a new one, I found it cathartic to talk through things. I started therapy in 2006, and basically saw a new one every year because of the turnover at the clinic.

I went for 18 months between therapists, until the current one came to town a year ago. I've told him things I'd never told anyone else.

It takes time to get used to a therapist, and I never thought I'd ever see one, but thanks to them, I'm alive today. I'm thankful for Medicare.

Jim

@kathy4385,
"hard for me to talk to strangers,". How strange are they? Just kidding. Bet you there are others here who find it hard to talk to strangers, including me, I fake it. However I've been meditating on this personal problem thing and to me it came down to this. "I'm sorry for the way things are in China! But more than anything else, I'm sorry for my self...". That's from John Denver.

I've been listening to old time music which I like. Anyway, all he's saying is he really doesn't care if there is threat of volcanic eruption, nuclear war or anything else. What matters is his pain. That's not being selfish it's being human and other humans, especially those close, are supposed to pick up and help you, me and the other's here.

I hope I'm not lecturing it's just I've been thinking about it and why I can't even get my own family to lend an ear. Whatever! I understand that they don't understand.

At one AA meeting I mentioned that eventually you'll find someone who really understands. A few weeks later a woman mentioned that she is dealing with a sociopath in her divorce process. It's a huge problem, they are very clever, conniving and all around impossible to deal with especially if you let them know you are on to them, they hate that, and will make you look crazy. AA discourages arranging meetings between the sexes because they do, so I didn't exactly have a match but I was able to talk with her a few minutes and at least tell her I understood and she reciprocated. At least one person understands.

Sorry you can't find someone to talk to or just listen, it's a healer. Try this! Become an alcoholic and then join AA, lot's of nice people there. Just kidding of course but something like that. Pain Sucks with a capital letter. Heartache is a real thing not just a nebulous song. AMA is just beginning to recognize it as a real thing which actually hurts but is not a real Heart Attack, but very long lasting and painful. No one understands that unless they've been truly hit by it. No medication for it either. Take an aspirin, is what they said.

I do some bit of praying and have a list by my bed, your names on it. Expect a helping hand one day. It happens. There are others who pray here so I bet you are on other lists somewhere. "I know your thoughts..." What? Interesting to me. Imagine that your thoughts are prayers. What's a prayer but a thought? Just a 'Man Thinking'. Book Title.

Empathy is a great word, even better when practiced.
Hope you feel better soon.
Mark

@muppey

I appreciate the way the AA is helping you. Not sure if our Members are aware of this, but there are meetings similar to AA that anyone can attend (even if they are not alcoholic). They are called ACoA groups. The ACoA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families (we can probably all relate to that one). It runs just like any other 12-Step Group. Here is a website where you can find out if any are located near you http://www.meetings.adultchildren.org/find-a-meeting1

According to their Mission Statement,
"The specific purpose for which this corporation is organized is to serve the Fellowship of Adult Children of Alcoholics [and otherwise Dysfunctional Families*].
It is in effect an agency created and now designated by that Fellowship to maintain services for those seeking, through Adult Children of Alcoholics [and otherwise Dysfunctional Families*], the means for arresting the emotional disease of family alcoholism.
This is done by sharing information and experiences with one another and by applying to their own lives, in whole or in part, the Twelve steps which constitute the recovery program upon which Alcoholics Anonymous is founded.
Excerpted from the Adult Children of Alcoholics Article of Incorporation, January 12, 1987.**"

Teresa