2011panc, Hi again. Still going over what you say. Never to old to learn.
My little friend came over this morning at around 8 and she left just a bit ago. For some stupid reason when I meant to say Mary the name Paula came out and I said, "Where is Paula coming from?" Mezi said that I'd mentioned her before. Paula is my first wife. Never really wanted a second but what you gonna do?
I'm all right just a little foggy still. Mezi's husband left her last Oct. and she's still busted up about it but is hopeful they can get back together. She has lots of family here in Murphys as they are an old time family here, she has lot's of support but none with the identical situation. She's tough and cute and Joe is crazy, not Mezi. Prejudiced much, yes.
A few years ago Joe stopped by and told me he'd broken up with Mezi. I couldn't say much but I was thinking, "You're nuts, there's lots of guys who'd like to get together with her." They made up.
Thanks again panc.

@muppey I am glad you have found someone to talk to about your similar situations. I can only relate in that I was the one that physically left, however I felt then and still feel that he opted out of husbandry and fatherhood long before I gave up. I have always said that I was able to leave out of fear and disgust, as I said before, but also because I had attempted every avenue I knew of to make the marriage work. I marry for life, not just until it becomes unpleasant. Even though I was the one that moved out and filed for divorce, I felt like a loser. And the questions! Why? Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he respect me? Why was I not cherished? What is wrong with me? It took a lot of time and work to realize that those were the wrong questions and even longer to realize that I WAS enough and deserved to be respected and cherished. A large part of my healing has come from my current husband. We have been together since 1984. We have gone through some bad times, but it was with him that I learned to pray to be the best wife I could be and focus on improving myself rather than trying to change him. Turns out that he is fine just the way he is.
I am also glad for you that you have therapy through the VA and have found this community to heal. I mostly appreciate your openness to my "brutally honest" ways. I have few male friends, but those I do have are solid. I look forward to continuing our visits and experiencing your healing with you. Blessings.

@2011panc, I'm still listening to you panc. Just took a walk after spending an hour on the phone with my brother Phil, he says he's going to come up here.
Bet you'd like my yard, there are thousand of daffodils which bloomed early this year starting in January, now there mostly gone. My place is open because I knock down all the oaks and pines which sprout like weeds here, I like open, lot's of people here let the trees grow. I like it open so the people can see all the daffodils, mostly ladies slow down and look, plus it reduces fire danger.
One year a friend was getting married and they needed flowers so I said, take what you need, thousands of them. Deer don't eat them so the old timers planted here. My place was built in 1930, it's a Montgomery Wards kit house with an extension for a large bedroom.
"brutally honest" I certainly don't think honesty is brutal, may seem like it some times like, I have to stop smoking cigars because...I never intended it to become a habit, just a thing where I'd smoke at my other cabin up on Love Creek Rd., that's in the Arnold, CA, area. You can google to when you come to a fork and the cabin is right there. Hardware girl owns it now, she got a great deal on it, and she's a great hardware chick, knows the business.
I'll come back to your post, just feeling melancholy right now, but going to heat up some soup and get better.
Thanks, and going to read your post again, thick skull maybe. I don't know, stubborn?

@kathy4385, Just guessing here...You are sharing with us and even if we just 'love' your post and don't write doesn't mean you haven't reached us. Maybe you're being "useful and needed." right here for the moment. I like to quote some songs because whoever wrote them had some insight else where did it come from. "Time has a way of changing everything".
How long did it take for me to say, "I'm not drinking my whiskey anymore."? At least two years with the VA, Mary, and finally two AA guys came to my home and they thought I was a waste of time. They told me later. I called them over when I was drunk enough that I could hardly remember the evening. They stayed for a while and I know I argued with them. Just took time. Thankfully I was not a mean drunk as in yelling and screaming at my wife. Still mean but, you know! Wrong!
Take care!
Mark

@kathy4385, This was funny and not mean. I love Billy and he really likes me. Hi, My brother Martin has a special needs son with autism. Billy and I became buddy's over the years and he always remembers me and likes to visit. Some don't treat him right. One day up in the other cabin my brother asked me to watch Billy for the afternoon. Sure, no problem. Billy was grown, big and sometimes could be violent but never with me. He was playing war games down in the dirt, and I was watching him from the deck. I heard some glass breaking and went down there. Billy's love is food. I asked Billy what he was doing and he said, "Sorry Uncle Mark." I then told him that it is against the law to break windows and that if the Sheriff caught him he would go to jail and only get bread and water for a long time. That caught his attention and he promised he would never break glass again.
He's about 40 now and still in the same special needs home.

I really was being nice to Billy because there is only certain ways you can reach them. You should have seen his face when he visited our home and it needed a lot of work. Billy went right to our only kitchen cabinet and there was no food there. His face fell to the ground, poor guy. It was funny but I knew what he wanted so ran to town to get his favorite for that year.

Guess we all have special needs.

@kathy4385 "all of our 40 yrs of marriage," That's a long time! I can see why you're so lonely. I think it was panc2011? who said, something pertinent but I just lost it. Brain freeze. Oh well it was good anyway. Probably need more sleep.

Kathy, I'm happy for you that you spent forty years with your husband, and very sorry you lost him. "dying of a broken heart." I don't think many people really believe there is any such thing. The doctors went nuts at the hospital when they asked where it hurts and I covered my heart and this goofy pain along my lower spine which seemed to be connected to my eyelids as when I'd close them I'd get a shock. Lasted over 48 hours before I realized I should ask for help. One lady doctor waved her hand at me in dismissal, when I told her what's up, she got up and left the room. Oh really now! Kathy, your heart ache is real. People here know that pain is real so keep on talking about it. I know it helps. I don't understand why doctors don't understand this heart ache pain because it is real.

Getting long again but I looked this up a while ago..."The most common signs and symptoms of broken heart syndrome are angina (chest pain) and shortness of breath." American Heart Association. At least someone in the medical field knows. Google this if you're interested or just click here or copy and past... http://www.heart.org/.../More/.../Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp

I really don't know how long my parents were together but I was young when their friend's threw a big party for them at our house for their 25th anniversary. They were on honey moon in Hawaii on December 7, 1941, they had a beach house and Dad was an Army Captain. They were on the beach when Mom said, Jack I think those planes are shooting at each other. Dad saw the Japanese Zero on the wings and told Mom, "I better get back to base." Dad had a thirteen man company of infantry and was responsible for several miles of beach front. They had old rifles and one .30 caliber machine gun. The Japs could have taken the Island with no problem. It was the island of Oahu, Pearl Harbor and all that.

Don't know why I go on like this but it has to do with Mom. When she got Alzheimer's she'd often talk about Pearl Harbor. Dad died some years before Mom. She'd say, "I remember Pearl Harbor and Dad had to go to the base..." Schofield Barracks.

Sorry I forgot what panc said but maybe it'll come again. Maybe I'll copy panc2011, (I'm sure) anyway she said she was praying for me. I think it's ok to copy people, so I'll do that for you.
Take care!
Mark

I know also the pain is real, and some days are better, especially as spring comes, as I love being outside. I have experienced the anxiety, chest pains often thinking heart attack. But also know I have a very strong heart. I enjoy talking to people who are there and have been in my shoes.
thanks for the prayers
Kathy

Thanks

@muppey Thank you so much for sharing about your yard. I absolutely would love your yard! The fact that you live 'in the boonies' is also something I like. I love daffodils, but have not been able to get them to grow in my townie yard. I have spent hours planting bulbs with not even a shoot showing up. I have other plants that are doing well, so once in a while my husband buys me daffodils. We used to pull lots of volunteer elms. When we moved in the entire street had elms in their yard. It seems that when the houses were built there was a gas station that gave away an elm sapling for every fill. It was great until dutch elm disease hit our street. Then one yard after another lost their trees. We replaced ours with fast growing maples. I love the maple leaves when they turn in the fall.
I was raised on a dairy farm and now own part of the first 40 acres my great grandfather settled. I intended to build there until I realized that my husband just cannot make the transition to country living. That is okay, we have a wonderful home where we are and are quite comfortable.
I share your love of coffee, but do not take in that much caffeine. I put about 1/4 cup of coffee and top it off with hot water. I just like the taste but not the jitters I get from too much caffeine. No smoking around me, however. My father had bad lungs all his life and developed emphysema before he died. Watching him lose his freedom by being tied to an oxygen source was tough. Watching another friend waste away from lung cancer was just as hard.
Love Creek Rd, how appropriate that used to be for you and how ironic now! Have a blessed day and I hope you feel better.

@2011panc, On the oxygen thing. Just a funny serious thing. My brother Phil was visiting his friends Dad when dear old Dad grabbed a cigarette. Bob and Phil told him he shouldn't do that. He was stubborn and with the oxygen running he attempted to light the thing and the oxygen blew. They were funny guys and Phil and Bob couldn't stop laughing at the poor guy. He had a black ring around his face when he pulled the mask off.
Seriously, don't do that.