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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@muppey Thank you so much for sharing about your yard. I absolutely would love your yard! The fact that you live 'in the boonies' is also something I like. I love daffodils, but have not been able to get them to grow in my townie yard. I have spent hours planting bulbs with not even a shoot showing up. I have other plants that are doing well, so once in a while my husband buys me daffodils. We used to pull lots of volunteer elms. When we moved in the entire street had elms in their yard. It seems that when the houses were built there was a gas station that gave away an elm sapling for every fill. It was great until dutch elm disease hit our street. Then one yard after another lost their trees. We replaced ours with fast growing maples. I love the maple leaves when they turn in the fall.
I was raised on a dairy farm and now own part of the first 40 acres my great grandfather settled. I intended to build there until I realized that my husband just cannot make the transition to country living. That is okay, we have a wonderful home where we are and are quite comfortable.
I share your love of coffee, but do not take in that much caffeine. I put about 1/4 cup of coffee and top it off with hot water. I just like the taste but not the jitters I get from too much caffeine. No smoking around me, however. My father had bad lungs all his life and developed emphysema before he died. Watching him lose his freedom by being tied to an oxygen source was tough. Watching another friend waste away from lung cancer was just as hard.
Love Creek Rd, how appropriate that used to be for you and how ironic now! Have a blessed day and I hope you feel better.
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2 Reactions@kdawn32, You said, "I could use prayers..." I did and will. I've mentioned on this thread that sometimes, seems all the time, I upset people and find myself wondering what did I do this time. I also used to tell my wife that I'm not that strong, but I believe that in due time I'll get that strength, happened before and it'll happen again.
Grief in your case will last a long time and I know that. If you think I was dismissing your grief or anyone's grief I apologize a lot. I am happy and sad at the same time because a real live person decided to visit me. Sorry for myself, (sounds like John Denver's song) for losing my wife, but as another person said here, "you can't control other people."
When Mezi was here I started using my first wife's name, Paula, instead of my current x wife's name which is Mary. Caught myself after a time or two. Where'd that come from?
Little Mezi was putting up a strong front when I met her at the store. Then she came by my place and started talking and I knew she was hurting. She made a statement "Maybe he just doesn't like me!" I told her that she is very likeable, and she said "Really!" Yes Mezi.
Kim, you can go to the county and get a copy of your Dad's will. I did that many years ago. Can't remember if there is a copy fee or not. I think it's the county clerk, but if not they will direct you. Snooping and or removing documents is another disturbing thing which I don't appreciate.
This morning I hesitated in going to a site which delivers a daily brief for people. This is part of what the man wrote..."Have you felt deserted by God? Is your heartache more than you can bear? We may feel that God has dealt harshly with us, that He has allowed more than we can bear to come upon us. Life brings pain and discouragement to us all.
Cheer up! Rejoice!..(then) Let your heartache be eased by His outstretched arm of compassion."
That outstretched arm comes from other people if you and I keep our eyes open. It really doesn't matter if you are Christian or not. I've watched videos on tv where people have done incredible feats of kindness and courage as they risk their lives to save a person trapped by raging floods, burning cars and other stuff. No one asked them dumb questions as to their belief's, they saw a need and did it. It's a human thing.
The people here are great and I appreciate them because they allowed me to "vent my spleen" which is very cathartic for me, you, and everyone here.
Part of being strong for me is deciding I am, with help, but right now I feel very week physically, but I'm trying to get up. Like you said everyone is different. May be that you are all alone and that can be a problem but, what can I say. I told my therapist that I'm not interested in suicide. I want to get my strength back. I always go to long. May be that I am faking it!
I pray for you!
Mark
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1 Reaction@2011panc, On the oxygen thing. Just a funny serious thing. My brother Phil was visiting his friends Dad when dear old Dad grabbed a cigarette. Bob and Phil told him he shouldn't do that. He was stubborn and with the oxygen running he attempted to light the thing and the oxygen blew. They were funny guys and Phil and Bob couldn't stop laughing at the poor guy. He had a black ring around his face when he pulled the mask off.
Seriously, don't do that.
@2011panc
Hi again! Funny how we are so different. I shiver to think that I'd have to live in the city again. I consider the whole SF Peninsula a big city. From Silicon Valley to the Golden Gate.
Here in Murphys is fine with me. Not much work up here for me now that I'm no longer a contractor, that got real slow after all the carpenters got laid off in 2007. August of 2007 I came home and told Mary, "Honey, I think we're in a depression." So many trucks stopped going past my house. And so many contractors doing anything to make a buck. I had a good niche going because the other contractors would not look at a small job, then, all gone. Other things but that's to long.
I had some money back then so weathered it until about last May when I was trying to figure out, do I spend here or there. Oh well.
I kind of think that was one reason Mary left. Hard times come and whatever...!
I cheated on my mowing this year by using a lot of round up. I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it all. I was able to cut some paths so Jon and Mary could reach the rear door without getting their wet feet carrying her furniture out. Mower is still where I stopped.
I grew some daffodils in Montara, CA where I lived for about 15 years. Small place on the coast just north of Half Moon Bay, CA. One day I went to look at them and someone had helped themselves. All gone!
Mark
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1 Reaction@gman007, I've got some cigars left but not enough to get to payday. Gonna be a toughie.
@littleonefmohio
Hi littleone, You said, "I heard she made sure her grand children were ok and then was swept away..." I re-read a lot of post's and notice something new each time. Pretty good memory of a hero grandmom, I think anyway.
No one wants to lose a good friend but she can always be a hero in your mind. Bet she is already their.
@2011panc, Way back I wanted to study horticulture at the College of San Mateo. To late! Had two sons, and the study was 5 years solid. CSM was one of the highest rated horticulture studies in the nation. Did you have gophers? I like gladiolas too. One day I was looking at them and they started going down. What the heck? I walked over there and it was a gopher munching away. Oh well!
Good thing creatures don't like daffodils. Guess that wasn't your growing problem. Wonder what it was? To wet? They'll rot with standing water or to much water. Don't think they need much water other than natural rain and good drainage. Have you tried potting them? They do good that way.
Getting off subject here, I'm supposed to be depressed and I'm talking flowers.
Hah Hah, to bad I'm feeling a little better every day. Still hurts a lot but what can I do?
Take care and a little prayer.
Mark
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1 Reaction@muppey I am in the Midwest, so when I say town I mean 10,000 to 50,000 people. The town we live in used to be 5 miles across. It has grown some so my guess now would be that it is 7 to 10 miles across. Not densely populated either, so manageable for me. More manageable for me here than for my husband in the country. Too bad about the daffodils at your other place. One of my meditation points is a hillside full of daffodils. That is always a happy place for me. Seriously though, enough with the cigars! You quit alcohol, you can quit cigars too. I promise your body will start healing itself within one day and you will feel better after a while. My husband quit both after we got together. For me it seemed harder for him to quit smoking, but he says they were both hard. The first time he tried to quit I bought him an entire paper grocery bag full of gum, mints and hard candies as an incentive. I did what I could to encourage him, but ultimately he is the one that did it. Just as you are the one that is going to have to kick your cigars. One tip a friend told me from a cessation class is to remove all evidence of smoking (even clean out the ash tray in the vehicle) and make it more difficult to smoke by intentionally changing your patterns. Such as, don't allow yourself to relax in the same chair where you used to sit and smoke whenever anyone called you; take your morning coffee outside and contemplate your unmown grass rather than sit at the table smoking while you have your coffee. Maybe these ideas will help you get started on quitting. I say that because I have seen how hard it is and most people are not able to quit and stay done the first time.
A trip of a thousand miles begins with the first step. So to every new thing we try. Good luck and Blessings.
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1 Reaction@muppey no gophers here in town. We have had a couple moles. Little buggers! We also seem to have a wild warren of rabbits
somewhere in the neighborhood. I don't have to worry too much about them eating my plants, our cat loves to hunt them down and devour them! lol
We think we lost the daffodils because of a combination of large trees and their roots casting shade and sucking up moisture; hard winter freezes; and dry prairie atmosphere. The soil in our yard is not very good either. I call it gumbo, it is rather clay-like. So, as I said, we have other plants that do well in our "prairie" environment. Our house has awnings on all sun-facing windows and our windows were manufactured to reduce the amount of damaging rays from the sun entering our home. So, I cannot grow flowering plants or cacti without a grow light. I have pruned back my indoor plants since my transplant and only have one peace lily now.
You were depressed, but no one says you have to stay that way. Each day is 24 hours more away from the trauma, so it is right that the pain and memory should begin to fade a little for you. I am glad I distracted you with flowers! lol
Blessings.
@20011panc,
Can we post pictures here? I'm probably getting away from things but I really like flowers and my lilac bushes out front. One lady stopped and told me she used to come into the yard before people moved in, she'd cut some lilac. Now she drives by and admires the beauty. The grass grows tall and wet, but the lilac smells good and pretty. Should have told her to pick some.
We got a place not far from here in Amador County and the place is called Daffodil Hill. I'm going to attempt a picture here.
OK! Now I'm remembering I used to pick flowers for Mary and one day she told me "Those smell!" End of flowers. What's that all about? Sweet perfume instead of cigar smoke???
https://www.suttercreek.org/graphics/daffodil-hill-amador-county-sutter-creek.jpgGuess no picture but I think this link will take you there. I'll try something else if this doesn't work.