To move near family or stay put

I’m having the same issue, I have four children living in Georgia and I live in South Carolina about an hour and 15 minutes away, and they are begging me to move back closer to them, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it outside of a few factors, one being me having to change my healthcare set up and the other being that I’ve been living in South Carolina for eight years now and in the entire eight years that I’ve been here they’ve not been to visit me more than 10 times and I think that’s ridiculous!!! because I go back-and-forth to Georgia where they live usually around 2 sometimes three 3 times a month , so that makes me wonder if none of them seem to have time to drive an hour to see me at least once a month , how often will they visit if I’m 20 or 30 minutes away. I just kind of think it’s asinine that they would rather have me uproot my life and pay thousands of dollars to move me closer to them as opposed to just driving an hour every now and then to come and visit, Then whenever I ask them about a visit their excuse always has to do with their vehicles. Somethings always wrong with them, but those same vehicles take them every place else they wanna go. A a few weeks ago one of my daughters and her husband found out about a restaurant an hour away from the house that they wanted to try out and they went on a random Tuesday with no problem and no mention about the problems they were supposedly having with the Car. I’m starting to think maybe they don’t like me that much, they just want me closer in case something happens to me, they won’t have to be inconvenienced by driving the distance to come and deal with the situation. so actually the more I think about it, the less inclined I am to do it.

@mrskim

You don't mention whether they have children, jobs and other obligations.

You are there in Georgia so often that I wonder what their incentive might be to go to South Carolina more often.

It seems that you have an expectation or a desire that may or may not be realistic or desirable for them. You wonder if they don't like you but I wonder if you have all communicated your individual desires to one another. Expectations are another thing all together and if
yours and theirs don't match it can lead to frustration and sadness.

Can they set limits on visits without feeling that they have hurt you or that they are bad or wrong? I only ask because you seem to indicate that they make excuses for not coming more often rather than being straightforward about what they want and don't want. There is nothing wrong in feeling hurt or disappointed. It is how you handle it that counts.

@mrskim stay where you are! Good medical care is not easy to find! Also … is it that necessary for you to visit your kids two or three times a month, considering the price of gas these days? If I were in your shoes I would visit perhaps once in six weeks or so. In this technological era, you can just as easily “visit” them on FaceTime. Less wear and tear on you and your car!

Young people with families lead very busy lives, with work and kids’ extracurricular activities. It is unlikely you will see your family more often even if you moved closer.

@mrskim , you make good points. I agree with your reasoning, except about the family members motivation. It’s likely they like (love) you just fine. My theory is that adult children and grandchildren stay focused on their hectic schedules, activities, work, etc. Visiting just doesn’t become a priority for them. And, they put it on the back burner. Something they’ll do later……but later gets postponed from year to year.

As an adult child who does make visiting/caregiving a priority, I can report that based on my observations, even children who live in the same town might not make it by to visit that often. It’s extremely common. If fact, I see so little visiting/helping with senior parents in my community that I am amazed that anyone considers it a real option. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general I don’t see this happening anymore. And, I don’t think it has to do with a lack of love. Jmo

@celia16
What do you feel it has to do with?

@mrskim Priorities! My kids were raised to prioritize family (and we modeled it), and they continue to do it, no matter how busy they are. 4 hour drives to grandparents happened every month and more often when they needed us - jobs, school and sports notwithstanding. If your kids cannot make a 1 - 1.5 hour drive regularly, they won't do a 30 minute one either.

Have you held a family meeting to express your feelings? If not, I strongly suggest it. In order not to feel "outnumbered " you could ask a friend or sibling to be part of the meeting to keep your voice and feelings from being drowned out by theirs. This can be done on Zoom or a similar program if they are too busy to get together in person. Adolescent or older grandchildren should be included as well.

In preparation for this, you should make a list of pros and cons to such a move. Be sure to include the issue of forming new friendships and community connections. Do NOT minimize the difficulty of changing insurance plans between states and needing to create a new care team. The cost of moving and whether new housing is more expensive are another consideration.

This is a tough decision, and it should reflect your desires and needs, not your kids' comfort.

@taillie , I would just be speculating, but to me it seems that visiting opens the door to extra work. For example the senior parents need help lifting some boxes, getting items out of the attic, transportation to the bank, lawn work, etc. These tasks take time and the adult children’s schedules are already full. The lists can be long and can be overwhelming. So, the adult child avoids it since it makes them uncomfortable. They may have their own health issues.

Plus, often the adult child has their own adult children and young grandchildren. Free time is devoted to those visits.

And then there are unresolved issues that might stem from their childhood that lingers in their mind and causes them to choose avoidance at this stage of their life. Many families have dysfunction is some way. It might even be on an unconscious level…..

My parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, family friends, etc. have lamented on multiple occasions why oh why do their adult children (and grandchildren) not come to visit, let alone come to help with anything. I try to put a positive spin on it, but who knows? I don’t understand it myself.

@mrskim , you make good points. I agree with your reasoning, except about the family members motivation. It’s likely they like (love) you just fine. My theory is that adult children and grandchildren stay focused on their hectic schedules, activities, work, etc. Visiting just doesn’t become a priority for them. And, they put it on the back burner. Something they’ll do later……but later gets postponed from year to year.

As an adult child who does make visiting/caregiving a priority, I can report that based on my observations, even children who live in the same town might not make it by to visit that often. It’s extremely common. If fact, I see so little visiting/helping with senior parents in my community that I am amazed that anyone considers it a real option. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general I don’t see this happening anymore. And, I don’t think it has to do with a lack of love. Jmo

@taillie , I would just be speculating, but to me it seems that visiting opens the door to extra work. For example the senior parents need help lifting some boxes, getting items out of the attic, transportation to the bank, lawn work, etc. These tasks take time and the adult children’s schedules are already full. The lists can be long and can be overwhelming. So, the adult child avoids it since it makes them uncomfortable. They may have their own health issues.

Plus, often the adult child has their own adult children and young grandchildren. Free time is devoted to those visits.

And then there are unresolved issues that might stem from their childhood that lingers in their mind and causes them to choose avoidance at this stage of their life. Many families have dysfunction is some way. It might even be on an unconscious level…..

My parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, family friends, etc. have lamented on multiple occasions why oh why do their adult children (and grandchildren) not come to visit, let alone come to help with anything. I try to put a positive spin on it, but who knows? I don’t understand it myself.

@celia16
Very true statements. The world has changed so much over the decades I have been alive. As a child I remember visiting my grandparents almost weekly up until got married and had a family of my own. Then we visited our parents and occasionally the grandparents. As our life got busier and we moved away we still tried to get together with our parents weather permitting once every month or two. Then as our children grew it wasn’t even that often because they (the kids)had things to do
My point being life has become busier for everyone as the world evolves. Back in the old days families stayed closer together, there wasn’t a push to keep your kids in sports, dance, etc. you let them play and enjoy life.
Now families move miles even countries apart for jobs and kids are being shuttled from one thing to another so that they are always busy. No time for family and the kids now only know that way of living and are raising future generations the same way. Point - less well knit families and family time. Take what you can get and enjoy the time they spend with you