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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@kcw4smwdc Grief for things that have not happened yet is called anticipatory grief. Its a real thing. You can find info online about it and perhaps a therapist that works specifically with grief. There are a lot of counseling services specifically for seniors that are paid for by medicare. They can be in person or virtual. Are you comfortable with using a computer? Just google "senior counseling."
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2 ReactionsHi - I am new to this group. My mother passed away 6 years ago from Leukemia short time from diagnosis to her passing. My father and I took care of her at home with hospice during COVID. It was a horrible experience. My two siblings live in different states and did not come to help. Now my father 87 is diagnosed with what they think is Stage 4 prostate cancer - again I am the one dealing with appointments, tests, doctor visits and such. I am still working (I am self employed) the only child living in the state and cannot believe I am going through this again. I mean it's not that I don't want to - I just feel like everyone expects me to "handle" this. I am so frustrated then feel guilty.
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8 Reactions@kimne So sorry your father is now ill and everyone is depending on you to handle. I think your feelings are very normal. It is an emotional roller coaster for sure.
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4 Reactions@kimne For sure, have no guilt for your feelings !
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2 Reactions@kimne Really valid feelings there. You should not feel remotely guilty for having them.
Are there ways your siblings can support you and your father from distance? Can they send Amazon orders of supplies you need? Anything at all. Groceries from Whole Foods, first aid supplies for the elderly (like sensitive skin bandages, etc.), medical equipment Medicare doesn't cover, like commodes.
Better yet... Can they take time off to give you a break and fly in and care for your dad while you take a much-needed vacation? It can be a nice local hotel and a stack of good books for a long weekend. Just somewhere to decompress.
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4 ReactionsAs a part-time caregiver for my mom, step-dad, and daughter, I struggle with guilt because the bureaucrats in my state have set up elder and disability care to make sure you can't win a fight for a reasonable standard of care.
I keep thinking that obvious safety, health, and even neglect issues should be able to be addressed. There must be a way. I must just be phrasing my descriptions and requests poorly. I must not have the right combination of magic words. I must not be reporting neglect and harm to the right people.
But it's not me. I'm not doing anything "wrong." Maine has decimated the quality of care for elders and the intellectually disabled. I can't get better care because it doesn't exist.
But I still feel guilt that I can't fix that.
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3 ReactionsThe powerful vs. the common, ordinary.
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