The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

I have been the only caregiver for my 86 yr old mother for the past year. Before moving in with us she needed very little assist...then she got sick when her chronic hyponatremia really bottomed out and her CHF exacerbated. Not to mention the AAA that surgical treatment for is not an option. We decided to bring in Hospice as she required so much equipment, medicine, and thought it would give me a break when they came. Now she is actually transitioning in the dying process and requires total care. Now I'm not only exhausted, but feel so bad for all the time I was tired and crabby when she could do but wouldn't. I'm doing the best I can, but still feel like I should be doing more. I have been unable to work since last October as she needed someone here 24/7. I cry in the shower, yell outside ( thankfully in the country ) and try to put on the brave face the rest of the time. My husband works out of town so it's me, her, 3 dogs, and a house with 10 acres to care for.
Thanks for a place to vent

@rasasarabis Your plate is so very full and likely somewhat lonely, too. So difficult to watch our loved ones fade away and really struggle as their health deteriorates. My husband is 85, dementia and CHF that is rapidly progressing. I, too, feel so much guilt and look back on the last dozen or so years and think that wasn't so bad. Even then though I was fustrated and complaining the entire time. Forgive yourself, accpt we cannot change the past and then move on. You are there for her now when she needs you the most.

@colleenyoung Yes. A great idea. I carry guilt from caring for my mom & sister. My mom fell & broke her hip, @ 91, on my watch. Every morning , about 6 am ,i got up to make coffee & start the day. As i came downstairs , i passed her room & knowing she was very light sleeper,i would say quietly, “its just me. Its very early. Dont get up yet. Ill be back about 40 minutes”. It wouldnt wake her at the volume i was speaking,so when she answered”okay” i knew she was already waking up. After i came back down to start the day,i found her on the floor! She had fell going to the rest room & broke her hip badly. She wasnt crying or hollering. She was very quiet & unnaturally unconcerned. She got an operation and all seemed well,but she wasnt hersef again. Its my belief she had a stroke & fell. She had,had a stoke a couple of years earlier & we recognized it & rushed her to the hospital. I dont think the doctors caught it, this trip. She was before the fall, able to converse, watch tv ,walk with no issues , & was nice to be around,but now after, she acted like she couldnt understand people, didn't talk much, couldnt folliw directions to do the nessasary things to heal from such an awful break. ,etc. She eventually passed 1 year later, in a residential hospital. She was 92. My guilt is great just because I was powerless to help my mom. I feel I should have gone in at 6am & made sure she didnt fall. I tell myself maybe then she’d still be with us. I go around & around in my head of what i could have done differently. Im crying just typing this.The guilt is real and it never lets up. Im caring now for my sister,who is 72. She has dementia so bad she sputters instead of speaking because she cannot find her words. She slams things when shes mad & sometimes hits me with an object if she gets frustrated. I have severe rheumatoid arthritis,my hands are crippled now. She gets agitated & frustrated if i cannot show her how things work. Occasionally,when she strikes me with something or pounds on the dashboard when im taking her somewhere in the car, I get irritated & raise my voice to her. She will pout,then apologize. I feel terrible i hollered. I understand and follow the fact that she means none of it. She is interacting the only way she can. I love my mother & my sister,very much. Im so afraid ill lose her. The Guilt is real.

@loopycann, I wish I could lift that guilt from your shoulders. You're carrying enough weight. We make the decisions with the information, energy and compassion we have at our disposal at the time. Of course, you could've gone into your mom's room that morning. But at the time, you were acting according to the information you had and with care. Your mom is a light sleeper so you wanted to signal to her that you were there, but also give her the time and space to either continue to sleep or slowly wake up. That was kind and caring.

The next sequence of events were not in your control or the cause of any action you did or didn't do. Your mom wouldn't want you to think that way. She wants you to be kind to yourself. ❤️

I worked for 50 years in a very high energy, high profile career. I loved it and didn't really have plans to retire because my work was so rewarding. Then, suddenly my wonderful husband became ill with Parkinson's. He may have had it for years as we noticed what docs called 'essential tremors' and some other minor things - but in 2025 it progressed rather suddenly and he needed me now. It has been 6 months since I retired. My guilt is about all the good years we missed together because of my stupid belief that my work was more important. Our 'someday we will travel' plans are now just piles of travel folders. My days are filled with helping my husband just get through a day in comfort - my heart aches for him and what should have been our golden retirement years. My advice to anyone who will listen - retire when you can and enjoy life - especially if you have a true love to enjoy it with you.

I so wish I had just taken a leave of absence to be with my mother, at her last. I really didn’t think she would go so soon. My reason was a little boy I had reached after having him for several years in special edu. class. Finally ! He was thrilled to be working, learning, and I just knew if I wasn’t there, it wouldn’t last. But, now I know it wouldn’t have made that much difference, and I should have been spending those days with my mother.

@dederickve I have that same guilt for my mother and she passed 15 years ago. A new software system was being implemented at work and I was a trainer. I regret to this day not taking leave. Agree it would not have made one bit of difference if I was not working. I also did not recognize her time left was so short. Gratefully my husband happened to be with her.