The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

@dederickve Continued, it wasn’t all dependent on me ! These are just a couple of decisions in life, that I look at, and regret. But, I believe, being human, we are prone to some poor decisions.

@dederickve

Please try not to live in the regret. I know that the culture I was raised in for “my time”, was to work yourself silly. Devote all your energy and time and that meant you were a responsible and “worthy” person. It just becomes a muscle memory type response and lifestyle. Be kind to yourself and know that your loved ones who have passed hold no grudges.

To babsjoy. Thanks for your kind words. I was raised from babyhood to be responsible and no “sluffing off”. It is just a part of me, but I am trying more and more, to ease up, and the older I become, the easier it is !

I’m so thankful for this place to discuss my guilt!!! I had been the main caregiver for my dad for the last couple of years of his life . He mainly needed help to dr, someone to help him with my mom and to stay with him while he was in the hospital then to care for him at home with hospice. The day of my dad’s funeral, my quadriplegic brother that I helped with as much as I could had a major medical emergency and was placed in ICU. I then immediately had to leave my home to stay with my mom and help her with everything. My brother never made it out of the hospital. He died 2 months to the day my dad’s funeral died . Half way between that 2 months, I found out I had a recurrence of breast cancer. I had to put off surgery, radiation, chemo until after my brother passed. Going on 3 years later, I am still in treatment.
My mom has stage 4 (some call it end stage? COPD. At first, she wasn’t too clingy and was just a little anxious when I would go anywhere without her. She is safe to leave alone for short periods but she doesn’t think so.) as time progressed and her COPD has as well, she is no longer willing for me to go anywhere without her. She has refused for me to hire sitters to stay with her so I can take a break. She has currently been in the hospital for over a week. I have been at her bedside the entire time up until today. I have postponed my own very necessary medical care to stay with her, sleeping on a broken couch then on a broken recliner2-3 hours per night. I have reached the end of my physical limitations and told her a sitter was coming so I could go to rest at a local relatives home or I was going to pass out. She finally agreed but I felt guilty because I wasn’t asking her
for her approval, I was telling her if I don’t get some rest, I literally will be going to the er. Things went fine with the sitter, but my guilt of what felt like me ‘abandoning her’ kept me from resting except for 3 hours. The benefit of that rest earlier today has already worn off. How do you meet your own needs without making your loved one feel like a burden or abandoned when you are trying to stay as well as you can so you can continue caring for your loved one?

@lorrainepink I don’t have any answer for you, but I can identify with some of it. But, if you get down, you won’t be able to help any of them, anyway.

@dederickve
Thank you. I know you are right. I’m sorry that you can identify with some of it but I appreciate knowing you understand how it is.

life's too short to feel guilt. Don't we all try to do the best we can at that moment. We need to take care of ourselves in order to care for those around us.

My friend, now in her mid 70's, basically gave up her life to care for her children and after that her mother. My friend didn't work much because of caretaking. Now at her age, she has barely any income and is basically homeless as well because her significant other unexpectedly passed away a couple years ago. What a sad situation to be in. I tell this so those that have guilt over their jobs will realize that taking care of oneself or others by working can be a great contribution.

Thanks @IndianaScott for the great offering to vent feelings of guilt. I am wondering if anyone is dealing with/has suggestions for guilt vibes coming from spouse. I am primary caregiver for 99 year old father and 95 year old mother. They are in independent living apartment with much support. Mother entered hospice for CKD 2 months ago. I have no siblings nearby - one has Alzheimer's and other is 10 hour drive away. There are times I feel like grieving for the losses which are on the horizon. The response from spouse is listing all the things I am doing which they perceive as being "dumped on" by others. The spouse seems to resent time I am spending with parents and pressing guilt on me for all I do for them. I then feel guilty for thinking forward to a time when I will not have to do so much for my parents (post mortem). Not a fun place to be.

@kcw4smwdc . . . suggestions for guilt vibes coming from spouse . . .
As you know, life is unfair in the responsibilities and tragedies trust upon us. In a well balanced world, we all take our turns to carry the burden: my husband cared for his mother and aunt, my sisters were main care for our mother but neither of them helped with their spouses parents, I am caregiver to our younger disabled sister. I have to say, none of this happened without some resentments and guilt shaming all around.

I empathize with you for the situation you are in. And I feel, and have felt, the feelings you mentioned.

Would it bring some relief to you, and your spouse, if you just tell her you agree with her?
Because you probably do -even though you don’t have a choice in the needs your parents have and who is going to provide that.
It is a lot! It takes your time, which it would be so nice to be able to have the freedom to choose what you want to do with it instead of more responsibilities.
Being “dumped on” is an unfortunate choice of words with an implication that the dumped on person isn’t strong enough to push back. But I don’t see it that way. When someone uses “dumped on” my guess is that person is afraid, powerless, scared -because they don’t see the strength it takes to do the right thing. They see things as if the person who pushes hardest gets what they want (and yes that is too often true). But not all of us can be pushed.

I did get frustrated with the time and emotional toil it took when my husband provided are for his aunt. But I married him because I needed and wanted the exact type man who would take on caring for others.

You’ll probably get other, better suggestions than mine, but maybe just saying, yes, you’re right! This is an unbalanced unfair burden! It might take the fight out of the words.
It takes strength, not weakness, to do what you’re doing. It really is the ebb and flow of human life that these responsibilities come and go.

@triciaot -- thanks