Placing a loved one in memory care and need help with the dialog

I’ve been meaning to reply to your questions about memory care. To be honest, I’ve been exhausted and did not get a chance to respond.
First of all, this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I had to. I have been the 24/7 caregiver since 2024 when he could no longer drive. I had someone one day a week and also he was on day care three days a week and all that was helpful, but he was up several times at night and his agitation was getting worse. Then bathroom issues and he started disrupting the day care.
He was diagnosed w Alzheimer’s and Lewy Body dementia which explained his symptoms.
I was exhausted but had hope he might move into our independent living apt ( I move in August) We couldn’t wait.
A MC room opened up and he was getting more threatening to me. I took it.
He just had his 79th birthday. We have been married 53 years in Dec. and I’ve never lived alone until now.
It was tricky making the transition. I actually had him help pick out his bed and lift chair. I’d say for your new place and sometimes mentioned memory care but he pretty much let that go in one ear and out the other. I had three weeks to get the room ready. It’s a large room and large private bathroom. I decorated it with his large dresser from home and new furniture and a large painting of a path of trees that hangs in his window ( his view was a rooftop).
He stayed in day care til the week before and the night before he moved there we went to our favorite place for dinner.
The next day, a Monday, I brought him up to the unit. He had toured it 4 times in the past two years but this was different. He was now a resident.
He loved the room but was confused about me leaving.
Some places ask that you leave them for a week or two to get acclimated, but because he does have some awareness they said I could check in for a short time daily. So for the first 5 days I did stop and see him.
It was tough. I tried a camera in his room but got no sleep because I would check it and get upset if he was up in the middle of the night and the nurse aid was not there. Finally I had to stop looking.
The weekend after he was admitted I went away by myself to a bed and breakfast a few hours away for 4 days.
He knew I went away but my kids snd grandkids visited.
The first week he pushed a nurse aid and the medicine had to be adjusted. He has since been aggressive w the staff if they did not use a skilled approach.
Now he has been there going on 3 months.
The staff are learning him and he is learning them and I am learning my role and it’s all an acclimation process.
I visit 5 days a week and stay an hour sometimes to half a day depending on the day.
Because I am considered a resident ( moving there) I participate in many activities in independent living and I can bring him to some.
I am told not to say good bye but to transition out when he is resting or has an activity or meal.
Every person is different and this will be something you figure out as you go along.
He is acclimating but it’s hard.
I don’t lie but I do say I need to go check on something, or have a meeting, or even just say I need to go to the bathroom and then I leave for the day.
Tears are a big part of my days but I’m also actually enjoying my sleep and I do get together with friends for dinner often.
Although I’m a gourmet cook I haven’t cooked a good meal for myself. I eat out or leftovers. I have come to find peace in the quiet.
And I’m busy with realty house showings and getting ready for my move.
I wish you well and anyone here going through the transition from home care to memory care.
I hope this helpful.
I’m sending a big virtual hug.

I’m back here to tell you he’s back at the psych unit and now the Memory Care Nursing directors are saying o may need to look for another place for my husband. I’m devastated. I get my key for my new apartment at the same community and I may be moving in and he may be moving out.
The aids are afraid of him.
The week before he was transferred he said “ I could beat the shit out of them” then he walked up to one of the aids and said it and then during lunch last Friday he took an aid and kept shaking her against a door.
He has never been in the correct medicine, the suds are not trained for him, and there is no good medical or psychiatric direction.
Now he has been in the psych unit a week without one incident. They don’t get it. His medicine was changed and much more appropriate.
I told the MC nurses they need to give him another chance on the new medicine regimen but they need training and I need to make sure the meds are appropriate throughout his stay and not relying on the psych unit docs to make the changes.
Also they are using his Lewey Body diagnosis as a good reason to find another memory care.
If he stays I will have to sit there more but I will be 1/2 Mile away.
I have lots to think about not to mention I’m in the middle of downsizing and a move.
I’m exhausted.
Anyone out there who have had to change memory care facilities? What would be best? He is progressing but with the right approach he does fine.

@edj1950 It is so sad. I’m sorry for you and me and everyone in our shoes and the shoes of our loved ones.
They are still trying to figure out the best medicine for my husband. They have had to give extra klonopin this week and he can barely walk but without it he pushes people and is totally inappropriate.
If the staff were better trained in deescalation and redirection they wouldn’t need as much medication but I guess that’s not reality.
He has been in the memory care three months now and has had one week in the psych unit in between.
Hang in there. It may take months for your wife to settle. I hope you are able to leave and let go a bit but this is so hard. My heart goes out to you❤️