Placing a loved one in memory care and need help with the dialog

This is a difficult situation. I'm sorry you are having to face this.

One important thing I've learned is compassionate lying. When my Mom wasn't far in her disease, I told her that her dog died. Then, told her every day when she forgot. This caused her to experience grief over and over. It wasn't fair to her but at the time I was big on telling the truth. When my brother, her son, died, I didn't tell her. When she asks where her mom is, I say she's shopping or something even though she died ten years ago.

Visiting, it's different for everyone. How about try something and see how it works. You can always adjust, go more or less often. Remember that you need to also do what is best for you. There are some weeks I don't visit as often because my body and/or mind need more rest or a break. This is ok.

Guilt was an issue with me and I still struggle with it. Am I doing enough?

There are a lot of good books that offer suggestions. Another thing I learned is that when Mom is upset about something, validate her feelings first. She says she wants to go home, I say: "I understand this is scary." She feels heard and understood and this helped a lot instead of trying to fix it first. Then, I can divert - change the subject. I ask "What do you like best about home?" Turns out many people aren't thinking of their physical home, they are longing for the place they felt safe, secure, loved.

Glad you are here and hope you find helpful suggestions.
HUGS,
Traci

I’ve been meaning to reply to your questions about memory care. To be honest, I’ve been exhausted and did not get a chance to respond.
First of all, this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I had to. I have been the 24/7 caregiver since 2024 when he could no longer drive. I had someone one day a week and also he was on day care three days a week and all that was helpful, but he was up several times at night and his agitation was getting worse. Then bathroom issues and he started disrupting the day care.
He was diagnosed w Alzheimer’s and Lewy Body dementia which explained his symptoms.
I was exhausted but had hope he might move into our independent living apt ( I move in August) We couldn’t wait.
A MC room opened up and he was getting more threatening to me. I took it.
He just had his 79th birthday. We have been married 53 years in Dec. and I’ve never lived alone until now.
It was tricky making the transition. I actually had him help pick out his bed and lift chair. I’d say for your new place and sometimes mentioned memory care but he pretty much let that go in one ear and out the other. I had three weeks to get the room ready. It’s a large room and large private bathroom. I decorated it with his large dresser from home and new furniture and a large painting of a path of trees that hangs in his window ( his view was a rooftop).
He stayed in day care til the week before and the night before he moved there we went to our favorite place for dinner.
The next day, a Monday, I brought him up to the unit. He had toured it 4 times in the past two years but this was different. He was now a resident.
He loved the room but was confused about me leaving.
Some places ask that you leave them for a week or two to get acclimated, but because he does have some awareness they said I could check in for a short time daily. So for the first 5 days I did stop and see him.
It was tough. I tried a camera in his room but got no sleep because I would check it and get upset if he was up in the middle of the night and the nurse aid was not there. Finally I had to stop looking.
The weekend after he was admitted I went away by myself to a bed and breakfast a few hours away for 4 days.
He knew I went away but my kids snd grandkids visited.
The first week he pushed a nurse aid and the medicine had to be adjusted. He has since been aggressive w the staff if they did not use a skilled approach.
Now he has been there going on 3 months.
The staff are learning him and he is learning them and I am learning my role and it’s all an acclimation process.
I visit 5 days a week and stay an hour sometimes to half a day depending on the day.
Because I am considered a resident ( moving there) I participate in many activities in independent living and I can bring him to some.
I am told not to say good bye but to transition out when he is resting or has an activity or meal.
Every person is different and this will be something you figure out as you go along.
He is acclimating but it’s hard.
I don’t lie but I do say I need to go check on something, or have a meeting, or even just say I need to go to the bathroom and then I leave for the day.
Tears are a big part of my days but I’m also actually enjoying my sleep and I do get together with friends for dinner often.
Although I’m a gourmet cook I haven’t cooked a good meal for myself. I eat out or leftovers. I have come to find peace in the quiet.
And I’m busy with realty house showings and getting ready for my move.
I wish you well and anyone here going through the transition from home care to memory care.
I hope this helpful.
I’m sending a big virtual hug.

@maryvc
Wow, this is a LOT to deal with, and I'm sure you are mentally and physically exhausted.
Does your husband act like he enjoys your visits?
All the best to you during this difficult transition. 🫂 🌸

Yes it is a lot. And yes he does enjoy my visits but I have to really pay attention to his mood.
My visits can sometimes leave him agitated. I have learned the best way to transition. I never say Goodbye. I exit with grace and sometimes help😉

I just placed my wife of 67 in a memory care unit on June 15. She is very insistant on going home. They had to take her to the ER on Thursday for 4 days to calm her down. She knocked over a 99 yr old lady there and had a confrontation with an out side cleaning firm. That why they took her to ER. They suggest waiting several days for her to become accustomed to the new facility. She only wants to go home. But when I do visit it causes problems with the staff because she wants to get out and wants me to take her home. Iam 8 years older than she is and is getting difficult for me to care for her with her going on 5 years of Frontaltrmporal Dimencia diagnoses. It is a terrible disease and all cases are different they say. She is at the point that she had almost no comprehension of what you say to her. They would rather i did not visit her for a while until she get settled and use to the care center.

My wife has been in memory care for just a little over a week and 4 days of that she was in the hospital emergency room because of reaction that she had with one of the cleaning people at the facility and also knocking down a 99-year-old woman so she was in danger so they took her to the emergency room to get her meds under control. I am very disappointed with the psychologist that she had because the new psychologists that reviewed her records and meds said that they were giving her the wrong medicine for the type of frontal temporal dementia that she had they have changed her medicine and she's been doing much better for the last few days but of course don't want to come home. I have added a couple of photos of her in the Care Center she likes her iced coffee and she spend some time babysitting for a baby doll and don't really know whether she thinks it's real or not but keeps her content.

My husband is in the psych unit right now after another incident of him attacking a nurse aid.
He has Lewy body along w Alzheimer’s and his medicines all have to be managed to help him be able to live comfortably in memory care. This is so sad

@maryvc Mary- hang in there, so many changes happening, so many concerns with your hubby. Remind yourself the staff is very skilled and understanding of dementia-related behaviors. This is old news to them and to the medical staff of the psych unit- they’ll figure out a medication regimen, which will “hold” him, but not “snow” him. They’ll look carefully at what seems to trigger him and will come up with a plan. Meanwhile, you get settled in to your new space, go to the groups and club meetings, make those new friends. This will get better. The hard part is over- you both are there, in a good place, where you have needed help, supports, opportunities for interesting activities, AND your husband will have 24 hour (rested) supervision and help.

Thank you. I hope the hard part is over but I feel I still have a long way to go with this. I take every good, calm moment with a deep breath.
They are working on what meds will work best for him including rescue meds for when he gets agitated, which can happen.
I took a couple days away to visit my daughter in Chicago.
His best friend is a psychiatrist where my husband is being treated. His friend is visiting him both days I’m gone. It’s very reassuring.
Thank you again. I hope all goes okay.

@caseyharv, I hope you have seen the helpful replies to your discussion. How are you doing? Have you been able to talk to your husband about going into memory care? I'm sure it has involved more than one discussion. How is it going?