Some Good News to Report

@judimahoney

I so agree. H knows my stance on this. but it is HIS daughter. He wants her there, I do not and he knows the reasons. I would hate to have a her or me showdown, but that is what it will come to. I know, I should be the bigger person because he is having surgery, but there is something about her that gives me the creeps. No, it is not because she is a step...H has 2 others and I have no problems with them.

@ocdogmom

I so agree that he will be their problem for the ice packs, the getting up and down in the middle of the night, etc. I NEED a good night's sleep for starters.

@judimahoney

Thanks. I think we now may have solved this problem. Today we did all his pre-op stuff so he is okay to go.

I nicely told him that I could handle things alone, I have done it before. I told him that I couldn't count on her for anything. Reminded him of how when he had his first heart surgery, she was suppose to drive me to the hospital BEFORE he went down for it. She never showed and when I FINALLY did get ahold of her the excuse was that she was busy cleaning her house!!
The fact that she did that to him and me before seems to have solved the problem for now.

@judimahoney

So by that alone you can see what a piece of work she is.

@kartwk I know it is so frustrating to have to deal with someone who only wants stuff from you and your husband. The stolen jewelry is awful. Lock that and any other valuable stuff up. I agree with an another post that you have to set boundaries. You can control visits to your own home for starters. As to changing his will, I am wondering if he changes his will now if it would even be considered valid considering his dementia. My estate attorney told me when I saw her recently to change my will that we could not make any changes to our trust because of my husband's dementia. My husband is not capable of understanding what he would be asked to sign. I can only change things that require just my signature. So if your husband has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment then you could tell his daughter that any changes to his will now would be considered invalid. Maybe that will dissuade her from continuing to try to get him to change it. Keep posting here to vent and get some moral support. Good luck to you and your husband with the surgery.

Here is an update. Well, we are 3 days before surgery and H had decided that the pre-op exercises hurt him too much, so he has stopped doing them. No sense in trying to convince him otherwise or to do the exercises that do not hurt, like foot paddles, etc. I am keeping on him about the breathing exercises.

His constant, and I mean constant moaning and groaning is far too much for me to continue to take, but I keep saying it is only for a few more days. I hope I don't sound terrible, but then if he moans and groans it will be in the nursing home and I will at least be able to get a good night's sleep.

So far his daughter is in control. I have stated NO, I do not need her. I have told you a few things she has pulled, but I left out that when I confronted her about the jewelry she stole, I got it back, but she broke it first! The darling was so upset that someone confronted her on her actions that she told H. she wanted nothing to do with me any more. Fine with me. She is untrustworthy, unreliable and a liar.

When he brought her up again yesterday, I reminded him that she, herself, has stated to him she wants nothing to do with me and I am respecting her wishes. End of issue.

I am nervous and scared because surgery is always a risk, but am trying to hold it together. I can tell H is too but he would never admit it.

Hanging in....

@kartwk
Here's hoping for the best possible outcome.
Kudos to you for keeping negativity from your life as much as possible (regarding his daughter).
Big hugs and hope you have some great reading material for the waiting room. Please keep updating us about the surgery.
All the best. 🌟

Well, the surgery was successful BUT H refused to go for rehab even though he stayed overnight in the hospital and they were processing things. So, after telling the Doc et al that he felt fine, was doing good etc, and that he wanted t come home. I really tried to get him to change his mind, even though I made it clear to the case worker etc. that I with my own disability problems, could not help him he was persistent. That he was good enough to be able to "take care of himself". To an extent that is true as he can dress himself, could walk from the bed to the room door, etc. And course he was praised that he was doing so well. That is what therapists and helpers do, encourage you so you keep trying.

So he is back home and I am running ragged, fetching meds, helping him mauver, much less running out for bagged ice for the much-needed ice packs. Watching him as he tries to get out of the recliner and needs a boost (his knees are bad). Claims he feels no pain, but I doubt all the painkillers have cleared his system so that is irrational.

He was told to get up and walk around every hour. Is he doing that? NO!

The folk at the hospital were fine until after I left. Then it became necessary for him to call me every 30 minutes +- about something being wrong. I.e., no one came in to help him to bathroom. I asked him if he buzzed for someone, well, no, but no one is helping him he would be better off at home. I told him if it was that bad, I was coming back to see what was going on and straighten it out. H did not want that. Once thing H. said to me is that they were not giving him his correct pills for cholesterol etc.

I called nurses desk and he was giving them a hard time with the meds because they were not the same pills he normally takes BUT they were the same medication! He could not understand that!

So much for a much needed respite. Right now he is sitting in his recliner, telling me that I have to fix the ice bag with ice because he cannot get it out of the freezer!!!

@kartwk
Will insurance cover a palliative care or rehab person to come for a few hours a day? At least you'd get a wee break. 🫂

@kartwk
I am glad that your husband's surgery went well. Sorry that you are not getting the break you so deserve. His refusal for rehab may reflect his fear of the unknown-strange people, strange bed, strange food and of not having you around as you likely represent safety and security to him.
My suggestion is to contact his surgeon and request IN HOME post-op physical therapy at least twice a week. Hopefully there are PT agencies that do in home in your area. Pull out the dementia card if needed saying that your husband needs in home PT because of his fear of new, strange places.
Having it in home will allow you to leave for that time and just get away from it all. Medicare and my supplemental insurance covered this for me. If approved, I would tell your husband that the surgeon has ordered this PT as part of what HE feels is necessary for a complete recovery and to minimize the length of time he will experience post surgical pain that he now has. That way he can be annoyed at the surgeon, not you, though he may still complain and say it is not necessary. I would just ignore that and schedule a session as he may go along with it once the therapist is at your house. My husband often says no to things that he will later do if put in front of him.
Be sure to give him his prescribed pain medication at least half an our before the PT session. The new hip should not cause any pain, but the surgery will have stretched the muscles over the hip joint, not to mention the surgical incision and that is what will hurt. Best of luck with that. Remember "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" and as my husband used to say pre dementia "Is this a hill you want to die on" Probably not. Just try your best and don't have an expectation for a specific outcome. That's all we can do.
We only have control over ourselves not others.