The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

Thank you for sharing your insights, Scott. I care for my husband who has been battling stage IV colon cancer gotlr six years, and my 95 year old mother who is 13 years into a vascular dementia diagnosis. To be fair, until very recently my husband has been doing well. I also cared for my Dad who passed six years ago. I struggle every day with feelings of guilt-wondering if there is more I can do or I could have done. It's really hard sometimes to deal with their mental and emotional issues while pushing mine aside. I tell myself not to be a drama queen and I tell myself to clear my head. That helps me.

Thank you for sharing your insights, Scott.

@babbsjoy
Thank you ❤️

@mkcc, welcome. I wonder if this discussion would be helpful for you:
- Dementia and hearing loss: Did hearing aids help? Tips?https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dementia-and-hearing-aids/

Has your husband's poor hearing or hearing loss been addressed? How are you doing?

This is to all who wrote to“the Caregivers Dumpster “. I just want to please be heard.
I am my husband’s only caregiver. He is still independent for most of his needs, but doesn’t really want to see to them. He doesn’t want to bathe, etc. He just wants to sit and watch every step I take, or sit and sleep. He won’t wear his hearing aids. Doesn’t offer to help himself, or me, in any way. I am the only one to take care of him, and everything else. I am having a hard time with a health problem of my own. No help. Only very brief stop bys, by family members, as they are on their way somewhere else . They take care of grands, so their kids can do things. They go on trips, even fairly extended ones, with friends. But, never “you take a day off, and go do something you’d like.” I am invisible, a nobody. But, very important to be here. Even the doctor, who we use, and have faith in, said, “I know it’s a challenge”. But where am I in all this ? And, when it’s “my turn”, there will be no one to take care of me.

@dederickve
I am so sorry. My story parallels yours in a number of ways. I too have health problems that have worsened with my caregiver role. I too, wonder, when is my turn? I am exhausted most of the time but his needs never end. I have been, in the last few days, angry. Do you get angry? Then I feel guilty for being angry. He can’t help what is happening to him. I hang on to the memories of our loving relationships and adventures in the past. It is the present and future that scare me.

@colleenyoung Thank you for pointing out the discussion on dementia and hearing aids. I will check it out.

N has had a couple of hearing tests and it is quite evident that hearing aids would be helpful. He is just stubborn about the situation. Part of it is admitting he is getting older (first test was done approx. 7 years ago, he is now 87), the expense although he can well afford the best quality, he worries that the size is so small he'd lose them (this is his latest excuse as he misplaces his glasses more frequently these days) and finally, the reason that bothers me the most) "I don't think I'm missing anything important." Oh, yes, you are! It has contributed to misunderstandings, confusion, frustrations for both of us. At his annual physical, his doctor complements him on his good physical condition which is true compared to many his age. I'm thinking of making an appt. for myself with his doctor to talk about N condition, hoping that the doctor will take my concerns more seriously and urge him to do something.
Thanks for asking and listening.

I have been the only caregiver for my 86 yr old mother for the past year. Before moving in with us she needed very little assist...then she got sick when her chronic hyponatremia really bottomed out and her CHF exacerbated. Not to mention the AAA that surgical treatment for is not an option. We decided to bring in Hospice as she required so much equipment, medicine, and thought it would give me a break when they came. Now she is actually transitioning in the dying process and requires total care. Now I'm not only exhausted, but feel so bad for all the time I was tired and crabby when she could do but wouldn't. I'm doing the best I can, but still feel like I should be doing more. I have been unable to work since last October as she needed someone here 24/7. I cry in the shower, yell outside ( thankfully in the country ) and try to put on the brave face the rest of the time. My husband works out of town so it's me, her, 3 dogs, and a house with 10 acres to care for.
Thanks for a place to vent

@shewhowatches1 Thanks for your kind and understanding words ! If we met, I bet we would both talk all day, in great relief to have such a one to confide in ! Yes, I sure do get angry ! At him, for not
being able to do better ! (But, how in the world did he get this way ?!). Angry at family for not “getting “ it ! Angry at myself for losing patience, lack of physical strength, and losing hold of my emotions, at times. Yes, ANGRY ! Not fair. (And, now, you see. . I am being unreasonable).

Anger, frustration, disappointment... all common threads for caregivers. Thanks to all who have shared here. I think we all experience a variety of emotions as well as the guilt that follows. Caregiving for someone with dementia is such a lonely life, even though there are millions like us around the globe.

My hubby has been gone just a year this month and the anger welled up in me today with a vengeance. This is not the life we planned yet this is what we got. I don't know to whom I can direct my anger and that just makes it ten times worse.

This site has kept me going for the past few years and continues to be my support system. Thank you so much!❤️