Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

Hi there, I totally get the having to do EVERYTHING and the loneliness due to a husband who is just not there mentally anymore, and now that he's not safe to drive - I'm planning everyday around getting him out so he won't feel stuck at home. We had 2 graduations and a funeral to go to in the last 3 weeks so I drove over 1800 miles and planned hotels, bathroom stops and food for each trip. I'm glad that at 79, I can still do all that I do but some days I can feel resentful and even angry about my circumstances. After 53 years of not the best relationship to begin with, this new "in charge" role feels so unfair. I do have a kind counselor who helps me to deal with my need to "fix" everything. With dementia, there is no fixing, only accepting, distracting, agreeing and in one sense relating to my husband as if he were a 5 year old. That is what makes me feel alone - treating an 80 year old man like a 5 year old is not only hard it is so very sad. In one way, we would have had a much better marriage had I treated him this way all along. ha ha. I am half Italian so I have a temper and I am use to speaking up when things aren't right - wow - this new role is making me cross eyed. Learning phrases like: I know you feel useless and that's hard or I know you want to drive and I would be sad about that too. It's all about acknowledging their feelings when you want to scream about how pissed off you are about how they are screwing up YOUR life! That might seem like a relief to say it but then I'd feel so guilty about upsetting him that it's not worth it and won't change a thing. At least he is docile for now, not aggressive or demanding. Life is better if I keep a peaceful attitude. I play instrumental music, talk about simple things without emotion, listen to his concerns and try to be the uninvolved helper as if I were visiting him as an employed caregiver. I'm taking one day at a time. Trying to enjoy the fact that he doses off a lot and his old needy self has mellowed over the years. There are some good things about this - he doesn't hold a grudge for weeks and if I do mess up with an outburst - he forgets it in a few hours! hurray for that one!! Bless all of us who are learning new behaviors in our older years in order to stay in our own homes and be as independent as possible. hugs ~

@oneputt This sounds a bit like our house - I'm the one with PD whose not runing on all cyllenders. My jusband I have been friends since we were 16, got marriedt 1t 22 (but after dating only 3.5 months, because of all those 6 years of being best buds kinda took the place of all the dating process. If there's anything we didn't know about each other by then, it couldn't have been anything important or it would have come up when neither of us were required to always present our best selves to the other. 😉 He is s o devoted and does more tham I wish he had t o. He worries so much that I may think I can do something but he's not sure so he'd rather be safe tnan sorry. We are also such distincly different personality types ( Ifyou know Myers Briggs Personality Assess/ment/test whatever they're call it these days, I am a hardcore ISTJ, (gotta get verything done now, can NOT stand it when somethingis uip in the sire for longer thn 7.3 nanoseconds. He is the opposite - ENFP, He can leave something up in the air until 2 ylears after tnere is no life on the planet, and it wouldn't other him a bit, so we were smart enough to take on the jobs as home that were more suited to each of us anyway, stay in our own lanes, help out each othr when we could, and call each other on ouf on BS.. Our son was clever enough to use this difference because if he had to learn the state capitols for a test tomorrow, he knew to ask me, because we would stay focused and get'er done! If he asked his dad, after about 15 minutes, he woudl get disctracted and tell him about someting we did as kids in Texas that made him thing of old friend/old times in college, etc. Nope! There was only one thing our kid was interested in about about Texas - he knew th capitol was Austin.NEXT State is.... If he needed help with somethign that required imagination, he'd go to his Dad.That said, my husband knows what I can do well and what I can't, and he's seen my memory become more of a memory itself than an actual memory. "I usta could make that cornbread with my eyes shut but now I might forget the baking soda or try to make it with freshmilk (or heaven forefend, Oat Milk. Then, when we were both hungry and mad and tired, it's not unreasonable fo him to wnat to keep me out of the kitchen becausd it's reallly his now and he's
put everythingwhere HE knows whwere it is and where it's logical to HIM (as well he should, because he needs to make things as easy on his 81 year-old self as he does the jobs of 3 people: 1. He grew up , for the most part, in a motherles home - his mother died when he was 6, he wenet to live with hi grandparents and his grandma died when he was 14 (I advise marrying such men because they know how to cook, wash, and clean, and are likely more tidy beuase they know what happens to messes w hen you dodno't clean them up soon and thoroughly. So he's doing a;; pf tje things he lused to do; and j-for him- those are the easy things. And he's doing my jobs, thngs that I did because an ISTJ is better at them and they were easier for me to do, plus I wouldn't have to nag him to do them. Worked out great. But now the jobs hes' taken on he has to learn how to do, and he has to adapt them to his style of doing stuff. Andthen theres a 3rd job---taking care of his 81 year old spouse who he has to watch like a hawk because it's alot easier for her to get into something she can't handl and will need his heelp to clean up the mess she made trying to save him somse work. and whilehe appreiates the thought, he hasn't very much energy left for do-overs and he smoetims feels lonely because both of usare missing some of the heings we cherished about our PrePD life but it is what it is; time is growing short, and our friends are dropping like flies, bringing home the message thaat we need to hear over andover - enjoy what you can when you can; and we need to be kind to one another because, while we are very, very close, there are still some parts of each of us that are lonely for "usta be" and it's nice to cherish thosse things, too, but sometimes it's harder to enjoy them to the fullest, because you have the "advantage" of being sufficientlu cognative to under stand what's happening and you get to know what that "ignorance is bliss " was all about. And the things that we would aim to do to healp eachother down the road are not the things that come to either of us naturally. But we still try, and we still have our son and his family (although our son is now beginning to eperience that empty nest thing -- the oldest iin the Army now, the middld one is starting college - thank god she's staying home while she does that because it's a great college and, since we live in Germany, it's tuition free. THe youngest is 14 and he's got his eyse on the door as well. When we went to our granddaughter's high school graduation, (which took 4 hours!) I somehow only managed to get one photo of her, as she marched up to the podium to get her diploma, and it struck me like a ton of bricks that her lovely back is what we'll be seeing more and more as she works t oward her goals in life so we'd better get used to it.

And yes, I’m so thankful to find a community of peers. I look forward to hearing from you & others on how you are dealing with your challenges. I no longer feel so alone in this. It’s had to see friends living their lives & having a fully functioning husband who remembers & they are able to communicate with. What I miss most is being able to reminisce. I also no longer know how much he tells me I can rely on. It’s like I have to be present for everything.

@tryingtimes10
My husband remembers past events, but recent experiences are the ones he forgets. I try to remember to not "jog his memory " because it only frustrates both of us. Recently it's become harder to understand his speech. If it isn't important, I let it go, rather than asking for repeats. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, by myself. I know that it's going to get only worse. His mother passed on from Alzheimer's. He's a patient at OHSU Alzheimer's and Aging Clinic in Portland.
I work out 6 days a week and have good, supportive friends. Prayer is also very helpful.

@tryingtimes10
My husband remembers past events, but recent experiences are the ones he forgets. I try to remember to not "jog his memory " because it only frustrates both of us. Recently it's become harder to understand his speech. If it isn't important, I let it go, rather than asking for repeats. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, by myself. I know that it's going to get only worse. His mother passed on from Alzheimer's. He's a patient at OHSU Alzheimer's and Aging Clinic in Portland.
I work out 6 days a week and have good, supportive friends. Prayer is also very helpful.

@tryingtimes10 We are just beginning this journey.I miss the man I married though.It can be very lonely and I just want to isolate myself.My husband is basically still functionally independent but I’m so sad to lose the emotional connection we always had.His memory is so poor that all of our conversations feel empty. He doesn’t remember anything I say to him and it’s so frustrating feel so disconnected now.

Hi. I am in the same boat except I moved us to Europe (his original home) 12 years ago for other reasons. I have not been able to learn the language & the support network I thought we would have here, is now non-existent At almost 70, I have some health issues, but think they have developed mostly from
stress.
I've already tried 4 different therapists including someone I found on the American embassy website who was not a good match. The others were ok, but not good enough to completely understand my American dialect.
I have a couple of dear friends here, but am embarrassed to constantly dwell on my situation. I'm also no longer in touch with my old friends from the US or my limited family members.
Exercise and loving on my pets helps a bit, but I know I'm isolating myself which is bad for my anxiety & depression... I'm not expecting any answers through this, it's just nice to vent to people who are going through a very similar situation!

Hi. I am in the same boat except I moved us to Europe (his original home) 12 years ago for other reasons. I have not been able to learn the language & the support network I thought we would have here, is now non-existent At almost 70, I have some health issues, but think they have developed mostly from
stress.
I've already tried 4 different therapists including someone I found on the American embassy website who was not a good match. The others were ok, but not good enough to completely understand my American dialect.
I have a couple of dear friends here, but am embarrassed to constantly dwell on my situation. I'm also no longer in touch with my old friends from the US or my limited family members.
Exercise and loving on my pets helps a bit, but I know I'm isolating myself which is bad for my anxiety & depression... I'm not expecting any answers through this, it's just nice to vent to people who are going through a very similar situation!