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Dealing with a Relationship that has Become Toxic
My relationship which is an engagement has become toxic. He has become officially verbally and emotionally abusive and used gaslighting. I am a trauma survivor as well. I am also new to this group and a retired RN but there are so many red flags here beyond what I just mentioned especially during a pandemic and very unstable geo political situation. I have a plan already. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.Abuse is never the quote unquote victims fault . Yes I am also a survivor of domestic violence. My ACE score is 4.
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ehdog, what you are feeling is a real problem and your partner definitely crossed the line by diminishing your feelings. I have read what others wrote, and I agree with all of them. I am not excusing your partner but if they are like my husband and myself, in our mid-70's, we grew up with a "suck it up, buttercup" mindset. Especially over the past 10 years, society has been working hard to dismiss such a mindset. Having the courage to recognize what you are going through, talking it out with someone who can help you navigate it, that alone should give you the courage to try and explain to your partner that he hurt you and here is what you need from him/her now. I have to agree with the health professional and "F*** you" to your partner. I responded to someone yesterday who was not getting any answers from her doctor. I told her that she mattered, she was important and if her doctor can't see that or help her, find someone who can. The same is true for you. You are important and you matter. A partner that doesn't have any empathy for what you are experiencing is not worth keeping around. If you can't leave, your doctor may be able to offer some suggestions as to how to deal with your partner. Take care of yourself first.
Ever the contrarian...Why put stock in what other people think? Seeking validation in the opinions of others is a sure recipe for unhappiness. If you are proud of your achievement that should be enough. Your psychiatrist may tell you that at your next encounter, if they know what they are doing.
The solutions is easy; not seeking validation in others. But simple does not mean easy. I hope you find that strength over time.
Best always,
s!
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2 Reactions@scottij I hear what you’re saying given ehdog sounds like she would leave if she could and can’t but needs to continue living under the same roof.
Hard to understand from here why the partner is so callous, dismissive, unsupportive and degrading. Obnoxious.
Hopefully the psychiatrist will help with tools to let the barbs slide off but also to address them direct with the partner.
If things don’t change I don’t see how ehdog will improve her health living under the same roof.
Very difficult 😞
@isadora2021
Thank you. And the partner is not here to defend themselves, too. Always two sides and the rush to judgment is fraught with error. Sigh...
Best always,
s!
So I've been with my boyfriend for a while since I was in highschool
Since then we've had a very rocky relationship. I love him, but it's not perfect.
Since then he's done things to convince me or coerce me(?) into sexual acts.
He disrepects my boundaries, teases me and makes fun of me "as a joke" and I told him I don't like it. I would lash out at him when I felt unheard or angry. My boyfriend rarely yells but does things to make me feel unloved inore passive ways
Now we seem a bit better but he still teases me and disrepects my boundaries like touching my butt and pinching me. I tell him stop and he tells me I can say no but he does things without asking first. So I don't know. His friends, hearing me yell once, after he had come home from shopping (I can't leave the house) and didn't get me anything to eat. I called him considerate (wasn't yelling atp) and told him to leave me alone (my room my only safe place as I have bad agoraphobia so I couldn't leave my room) He wouldn't leave and wouldn't listen to me and so then I started yelling. His friends heard me and said I
was abusive.
Or this one time my dog got hurt so I put on what I could find and insisted we go to the vet and I was sobbing. He told me he wouldn't take me until I calm down and get dressed better. My dog is ok
Yesterday I was explaining something and he wasn't hearing me and I felt annoyed so I cursed at him
Or I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it and gets annoyed with me when I ask him and he still doesn't do it so I end up getting frustrated with him.
Or the time that I needed him to go to the mailroom
for a package Keep in mind I CANNOT GO INTO THE MAILROOM I'm literally not allowed. He goes for me and he does not look well. There's a pattern of him coming back and saying no package but there's like 5 in there. I got mad at him and lashed out and there truly wasn't a package. I felt awful and apologized.
I lash out because he doesn't take me seriously or takes my feelings lightly and it reminds me of when my abusers would do that to me
I just feel like I have to rely on him a lot and he doesn't put the effort to help me. I'm disabled and I need him but I feel like he doesn't care but I'm still scared I am abusive
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1 ReactionThis sounds like a really messy dynamic where both of you have ended up hurting each other, but there are some clear issues on his side that stand out.
He’s touching you after you’ve said no, teasing you after you’ve made it clear you don’t like it, and doing things like pinching or grabbing without asking. Even if he calls it “joking,” it isn’t okay once you’ve said stop. Ignoring that repeatedly is a consent issue.
The situation with your dog also wasn’t handled in a healthy way. Support shouldn’t be conditional like that, especially when you’re dependent on someone for help.
Your reactions, yelling, cursing, lashing out, seem to be coming from feeling ignored, frustrated, and powerless. That doesn’t make you “an abusive person,” but it does mean the dynamic between you is escalating in a way that isn’t good for either of you. It sounds like you’re reacting in moments where you feel unsafe, unheard, or stuck. That can still make conflict worse, but it doesn’t make you the problem here.
What actually matters more than labeling yourself is looking at things like:
Are your boundaries being respected consistently?
Do you feel safe saying no without consequences?
Is help being used as support, or as control?
Are conflicts building up because needs aren’t being addressed early?
This will not be fixed by blaming yourself.
You both likely need support, but the big non negotiable is that your boundaries need to be respected. You are NOT abusive. You are rightfully reactive.
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4 Reactions@ashlynnmae
Am I still reactive if I'm acting this way in situations that don't require it?
Id understand if he was actively crossing my boundaries but yesterday should have been a normal argument but I blew up
He's changed a lot for the better but I still lash out.
Yes, that’s still reactive. It means your emotional response is coming on fast and strongly in situations where the level of intensity doesn’t really match what’s happening.
It sounds like your system is interpreting normal disagreements as something more threatening because of what’s happened before, so it can shift quickly into anger, yelling, or snapping. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it does help explain why it happens.
Given his past of not listening, crossing boundaries, and making you feel stuck, it makes sense that your brain learned to stay on alert. Even if things are better now, your body can still react like it’s dealing with the old version of things.
That doesn’t make you abusive. It shows a stress response that’s running high and getting triggered easily.
It’s his responsibility to show you that those reactions aren’t needed anymore, and from what you’re describing, he doesn’t seem to be doing that, or at least not consistently.
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2 Reactions@ashlynnmae
He is trying. He's changed a lot of things. He's acknowledged basically what you said like why I responded was his fault but that's why I posted because he's been doing better.
Alot of this stuff is from months ago so I'm worried.
His change is actually real and not fake like in the past
@ehdog
I’m glad he’s changed and taking accountability, but that doesn’t make your reactions abusive. Your nervous system just hasn’t fully caught up yet, and that can take time.
It doesn’t make you abusive. It never will. You’re not abusive, and it’s better not to label yourself that way.
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2 Reactions